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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH had a secret female friend for years

125 replies

Usernameless16 · 16/04/2023 13:44

Not sure what to think. I recently found out DH has had a secret female friend for the last 9 years that I knew nothing about. They used to work together.

He has been meeting her for coffee/lunch (just the two of them) whenever he was in her home town, whilst telling me he was meeting another(male) former work friend. He says this was just for work advice/gossip. However, they now work in entirely different industries, so that doesn’t make sense.

He was private messaging her on a couple of social media platforms, but deleted the whole conversation on Watsapp. The ones he showed me on the other were him arranging to meet, chat on the phone or asking how she was etc. Nothing sexual, but there were obvious gaps in the conversation where things had been deleted. Most of the messages are really late at night and weekends.

He also deleted all the messages on Watsapp and yet he says there was nothing to hide!

He doesn’t have a history of cheating, or do I have form for being jealous. Had he told me about the friendship I would not feel like this.

Does this sound like he was having an emotional affair or am I being ridiculous here?

OP posts:
PrincessofWellies · 16/04/2023 13:47

Why not be transparent about who you are meeting, and why lie about who you are meeting?

DangerPigeon · 16/04/2023 13:50

It does sound fishy, did he say why he lied?

Lampzade · 16/04/2023 13:52

Very strange. If there is nothing to hide why is he hiding the friendship?

GoodChat · 16/04/2023 13:52

It's a very long time to continue the lie for

Ginger1982 · 16/04/2023 13:53

9 years? They've been shagging.

Original poster
Usernameless16 · 16/04/2023 13:53

That’s what I thought - people who have nothing to hide, don’t hide things 😞

He says he lied because he thought I would be mad. But he didn’t realise I would be this upset apparently!

OP posts:
StopStartStop · 16/04/2023 13:54

'Emotional' affair might be understating it. I wouldn't trust a man who'd had a secret woman as a 'friend' for nine years.

Highdaysandholidays1 · 16/04/2023 13:54

Why would he delete parts of the messages then if they are all just friendly banter/chat? That's a looong friendship. Doesn't mean he's having an affair with her but there's certainly an attachment there. I don't know where this takes you. I have male friends, including some long friendships, but I'm completely open and never write anything I wouldn't be happy for their partner to read.

theWarOnPeace · 16/04/2023 13:55

I don’t know, but I ended what thought was a friendship with a man when I realised I was a secret from his partner.

It makes no sense to have a platonic friendship that’s a secret, whichever way you look at it and from whoever’s perspective. I gave my friend an ultimatum, be honest or we can’t be friends, and he chose to not tell the partner. So we are now not friends.

Original poster
Usernameless16 · 16/04/2023 13:55

It’s the way he acted when I asked to see the Watsapp messages. Never seen him that way. He looked very stressed. Went along with me looking for the messages in Watsapp before finally admitting he deleted them all.

He offered to contact her to get a copy of the messages, but if they’re both married and saying inappropriate things, of course she’s not going to send the incriminating stuff!

OP posts:
Fillmyheartwithsong · 16/04/2023 13:56

Why couldn't he be honest with you if he had nothing tp hide?
I would actually try and contact this friend because otherwise you won't ever know. Don't tell your husband because he will forewarn her.

Original poster
Usernameless16 · 16/04/2023 13:57

If the boot was on the other foot, and I was meeting a man behind his back and sending messages all hours and sinking emojis he would hit the roof!

Total double standards.

OP posts:
Original poster
Usernameless16 · 16/04/2023 13:58

Winking emoji laugh, not sinking

OP posts:
Dad234 · 16/04/2023 13:59

Get him to restore his whatsapps from an old back-up.

Original poster
Usernameless16 · 16/04/2023 14:00

theWarOnPeace · 16/04/2023 13:55

I don’t know, but I ended what thought was a friendship with a man when I realised I was a secret from his partner.

It makes no sense to have a platonic friendship that’s a secret, whichever way you look at it and from whoever’s perspective. I gave my friend an ultimatum, be honest or we can’t be friends, and he chose to not tell the partner. So we are now not friends.

He probably wanted something more with you, hence the secrecy. He knew his intentions were bad.

This is what I fear with my DH.

OP posts:
FL0 · 16/04/2023 14:00

If he has nothing to hide then why has he lied to you repeatedly for 9 years?

you can’t ever trust him again.

ArcticSkewer · 16/04/2023 14:01

I'm sorry.
You do know exactly what to think of this, but maybe just aren't ready to accept it. That's okay. Let it sink in.
How did you find out? And did he admit it was a nine year 'friendship'?

CheesusWept · 16/04/2023 14:01

How did you find out?

Gazelda · 16/04/2023 14:02

He's lied to you. Betrayed you. What doesn't he get about that? Even if there's no affair or emotional affair, it's the 9 year lie that would torpedo any relationship.

Original poster
Usernameless16 · 16/04/2023 14:02

He was messaging late at night on the sofa, and I saw a message pop up from a woman. It all came out then.

OP posts:
Original poster
Usernameless16 · 16/04/2023 14:03

I’m glad I’m not being ridiculous here. The way he reacted was like I was reading far too much into it all.

OP posts:
Original poster
Usernameless16 · 16/04/2023 14:05

How do I get him to be honest about it all? I feel like I’m losing my mind. He says it was all just about work, but he has numerous other friends he can talk to about “work”. Ones he didn’t feel the need to hide his interactions from me.

OP posts:
YellowAndGreenToBeSeen · 16/04/2023 14:08

Hmmmm. I’ve got a male friend who pops round for coffee once a month or so. We message regularly too - politics, jokes, celeb gossip etc. He’s married and I know his wife doesn’t know.

We’ve never slept together, have know each other 30 odd years.

He doesn’t tell his wife because she wouldn’t like it but there’s nothing ‘not to like’.

Appreciate your situation is different but just suggesting it’s not necessarily a sexual or emotional relationship. Could just be friends.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 16/04/2023 14:09

I'd have lost the ability to trust him, and wouldn't have any respect for him now for lying so long.

It'd be enough to make me plan an exit route.

princessconsuelabanahammock · 16/04/2023 14:10

I had a friend who had always held a candle for me and I didn’t feel the same but kept him as a friend as he was a good friend. This was all fine when I was single.

When I met DP he understandably wasn’t comfortable with the friendship. I wasn’t comfortable even messaging this friend as I’d feel I was being sneaky and it was absolutely not worth risking my relationship for even though on my side it was platonic.

My point is, you don’t hide stuff from your partner or engage in things that might make them feel you’re up to something dodgy.

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