DH had a secret female friend for years

[Usernameless16]

Not sure what to think. I recently found out DH has had a secret female friend for the last 9 years that I knew nothing about. They used to work together.

He has been meeting her for coffee/lunch (just the two of them) whenever he was in her home town, whilst telling me he was meeting another(male) former work friend. He says this was just for work advice/gossip. However, they now work in entirely different industries, so that doesn’t make sense.

He was private messaging her on a couple of social media platforms, but deleted the whole conversation on Watsapp. The ones he showed me on the other were him arranging to meet, chat on the phone or asking how she was etc. Nothing sexual, but there were obvious gaps in the conversation where things had been deleted. Most of the messages are really late at night and weekends.

He also deleted all the messages on Watsapp and yet he says there was nothing to hide!

He doesn’t have a history of cheating, or do I have form for being jealous. Had he told me about the friendship I would not feel like this.

Does this sound like he was having an emotional affair or am I being ridiculous here?

I have never cheated, but I would delete all of my emails and text messages before I would present them to a spouse, partner, or anyone else to prove that I am not doing something that I am not doing.

My response to reassuring my spouse would be to suggest that they seek counseling to deal with the insecurity , and I would be fully supportive of that activity.

I guess if I were cheating and had been doing so for 9 years, I am not certain how I would respond.

I guess because I am not inclined to cheat that would not be my first thought about my spouse's behavior. I could also imagine that my spouse has friends with whom I am not acquainted. I have never inquired about. the gender of his friends, so there has been no need to lie.

The situation is obviously causing pain for the OP, and she should take steps to mitigate or remove the pain
even if It means ending the relationship because it does not matter whether he was or was not cheating. She no longer trust him.

What on earth makes you assume a secret relationship where he’s met up and lied about it for years is platonic? Why wouldn’t you just assume he’s been sleeping with her? It’s the most rational explanation. If he can’t restore the messages you need an std check and I think you need to ask him to move out. He’s still being a gaslighting twat trying to convince you that YOURE the one overreacting. Suggest you say ok how about I tell everyone? Let’s call your brother and tell him. Your aunt. Sarah Diane and Alice, our child’s best friends parents who we see a lot. Let’s see if they think I’m overreacting or if actually every rational person out there assumes you’ve been cheating on me for years and now just think I should get over it. He will know that they won’t think you should just get over it.
I think you need to ask him to move out. He doesn’t seem to think there should be any consequences from this.

@Mari9999
I a truly healthy relationship there is an understanding of the difference between privacy and secrecy. Loving adults can respect each other' s right to some self determined levels of privacy without thinking that they are keeping secrets. They can respect the fact that there are some things that I for reasons of my own may not wish to share.

While I agree with this, it does not apply to the OP's situation as it wasn't a matter of him simply not sharing - he has outright lied to her at times about who he was meeting.

Also, I don't agree that a right to privacy includes keeping relationships with other people private. What legitimate reason would there be to want privacy from your partner regarding who your friends are? There isn't one unless something inappropriate is going on. And as I said, if someone's reason for trying to keep an external friendship private is that their partner wouldn't like it, then they are not in the right relationship. No excuse for lying.

In healthy relationships, an adult should not have to lie about with whom they are having lunch. They should be able to say that I am having lunch with my friend Henry, Mary or Sue, and there should be no response related to the friends gender. In a healthy relationship men and women should be allowed to have friends of both genders without any judgement being passed.

Well if you're fine with that in your relationship because that's what a healthy relationship looks like to you, then good for you but it's not for everyone. A healthy relationship is where both parties can communicate and be respectful of each other, which often will include one or both making compromises along the way. One person unilaterally deciding they're going to do whatever they want with no regard for the other person shouldn't be in a relationship because that's not how a healthy relationship works. You don't get to basically date another person under the guise of it being a 'friendship' and just expect your partner to put up with it. The extent to which friendships taking place with members of the opposite sex absolutely do need to be discussed with your partner IMO. Often times the lines are crossed and it becomes inappropriate. Not always but often enough that this situation does not fall under a right to privacy 🙄

*I have never cheated, but I would delete all of my emails and text messages before I would present them to a spouse, partner, or anyone else to prove that I am not doing something that I am not doing.

My response to reassuring my spouse would be to suggest that they seek counseling to deal with the insecurity , and I would be fully supportive of that activity.*

This doesn't have any relevance to the OP. He has lied to her and provided reason for her to not trust him. Implying that she is insecure and needs counseling is gaslighting. He absolutely 💯 should be willing to prove himself innocent by showing her whatever she needs to see and not delete anything. He created the mess and now he should clean it up with complete transparency. If he wants his marriage to tank, then by all means, he can continue what he is doing. Bit if he IS innocent then that course of action is utterly stupid.

It could just as easily be the other way around. She wants more but he doesn't. Why would you be so certain of the direction of affection?

Again, why are you so certain of the direction of the affection. Everything you have said could be reversed so it is she who wants an affair but he doesn't. Or neither of them do. 9 years... either they are having an affair and it's a very long time for an affair or they are never having one and they just are very fond if each other but know their partners wouldn't be happy. The right thing would be to stop messaging but I suspect they like each other but know they are happy in their respective relationships so they have a fondness relationship

Sometimes if you delete the app & reinstall it brings back old messages… worth a try!

That’s a bit weird, why hide it? One of DH’s closest friends is a woman but he never hides anything from me. Hilariously it’s a full on cliche and they did drunkenly sleep together once years before I met him 😂

Agree with @mybeautifuloak also the PP with a male friend for 30 years. Me too... all my family, husband etc know about him, he just feels his wife would be bothered by it maybe, so no mention of me to her.

Do not think I am important enough to mention tbh...he has lots of friends from all walks of life.

Just my friend who happens to be male🙂

But, OP, if you are upset then you are upset. I would stay calm about it.

Here's one for you...how about, instead of lying like weak cowardly school boys scared of a telling off, men who think their wives are unreasonable simply say so, and openly and honestly live their lives? It would be then up to their wife to decide whether she wanted to continue in the relationship on those terms or not. Surely that's less 'hassle' than sneaking around, hiding in dark pub corners like a fool when you're only out for an innocent drink?

Check his whatsapp archive.

I think he was having an affair or trying to, now something has happened and he is telling you snippets now to cover his ass.

there is more to come. I wouldn’t believe him.

My (now ex) H had a secret ‘special friend’ too. I found and read all their messages. It was all ‘I can’t wait to see you again xxx’ and blushing emojis. CLEARLY an emotional affair, she was stroking his ego and fawning over him. When I confronted him his reaction was to tell me what a terrible person I was for going through his phone and how could I do that, he would never do such a thing.

Reader, I divorced him. There was lots of other stuff going on too, he was completely useless as a partner and I have since realised also sexually coercive. But it was the messages that made that switch in my mind. He still maintains he has no idea why I left him and that he didn’t have an affair. BS.

Any update OP?

Regardless of whether or not anything is going on, he's still a liar. He lied about meeting up with a male friend when it was a female friend. And he managed to lie about it for NINE years. Makes you wonder what else he is lying about.

Unfortunately if he's being this evasive now, you've got no chance of getting him to be honest. You need to make a judgement call. I wouldn't be able to be in a relationship with someone who lied about something like this.

9 years of lying by omission…9 years where he should have been spending time with you and your family but his mind was elsewhere…. Unforgivable imho. 😔

Why not take your misogyny somewhere else? Such absolute bollocks.

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Any update @Usernameless16?

Hope you're ok xx

I discussed this with a man who has past form for cheating He said that a secret relationship for 9 years says it all really without any need to even consider deleted messages etc. Okay maybe your DH thought you wouldn't understand his special secret platonic attachment over nearly a decade with a woman he never mentioned but he really did think you would understand only too well those deleted messages. I think I'd be most annoyed about him thinking I'd be such a fool as to believe him.

Hey OP, Hope you are doing OK now.

Lying and secrets are the death of a relationship.

The ridiculous argument, "I was seeing her and didn't tell you because I thought you'd go mad." is ridiculous and lame and shows a total lack of respect. 🙄

And anyone who engages in this as the secret "friend" is also a ridiculous person.

My ex had a female friend. Who he crossed boundaries with. It ended our relationship. I knew about her however he didn't tell me when they would facetime late at night etc until I saw it for myself on his phone when he was trying to show me something else..... he knew he was breaking my boundaries with her i explained it time and time again.....he kept things from me. He kept secrets. This is what your dh did...kept a secret...met someone numerous times and lied to you...to your face. He's fucked the trust.

Regardless of it it was sex or no sex it doesn't matter at this point this man has proved he can lie to you and keep secrets...the evidence is right infront of you... the trust is destroyed and he's a dickhead. So is she.

Zombie thread.

My own experience is men only have 'secret' female friends if they fancy them or there's something in it for them career wise

Some messages were deleted because they were incriminating.

Selective, deliberate deletion in this context has no innocent explanation.