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Original poster

DH had a secret female friend for years

125 replies

Usernameless16 · 16/04/2023 13:44

Not sure what to think. I recently found out DH has had a secret female friend for the last 9 years that I knew nothing about. They used to work together.

He has been meeting her for coffee/lunch (just the two of them) whenever he was in her home town, whilst telling me he was meeting another(male) former work friend. He says this was just for work advice/gossip. However, they now work in entirely different industries, so that doesn’t make sense.

He was private messaging her on a couple of social media platforms, but deleted the whole conversation on Watsapp. The ones he showed me on the other were him arranging to meet, chat on the phone or asking how she was etc. Nothing sexual, but there were obvious gaps in the conversation where things had been deleted. Most of the messages are really late at night and weekends.

He also deleted all the messages on Watsapp and yet he says there was nothing to hide!

He doesn’t have a history of cheating, or do I have form for being jealous. Had he told me about the friendship I would not feel like this.

Does this sound like he was having an emotional affair or am I being ridiculous here?

OP posts:
StopMindlesslyScrolling · 16/04/2023 16:01

Have you considered asking to speak to the woman and then get her husband on the phone to check what he knows, if he can see the deleted messages and how he feels about the situation.

He could for example say "my wife and I have an open relationship, I know she's been shagging your H for years."

Or he might say "I've know about the meet ups all along, there's nothing fishy and I've seen the messages and they're just friends."

If your H isn't keen on you speaking to her husband to clarify things, I'd want to know why.

Prairemumm · 16/04/2023 16:03

It's the deceit that's the issue here. What person in their right mind who is doing nothing wrong lies about who they're meeting?! For nine years! Surely he thought at some point the truth would come out?
If he thought you wouldn't be happy about him meeting her, he should have spoken to you about it. Because he's lied for so long, I would (like you, OP) be wondering all sorts. He's really created a massive problem for himself, for you, for your mental health, and for your relationship.
You need full disclosure now.

mischlerischler · 16/04/2023 16:04

Sounds like he is hiding something. Otherwise he wouldn't delete them. I would try to get him to restore them - you should be able to do it on WhatsApp.

Either way, I am not sure if you will be able to trust him after this.

Cosycover · 16/04/2023 16:07

I'd be asking him to restore the messages to put my mind at ease.
If he doesn't then you know there's something he is hiding.

It doesn't sound good, I am so sorry. I hope you get to the bottom of it.

Prairemumm · 16/04/2023 16:18

Another thing that would worry me greatly, to put it mildly, would be his ability to keep this secret for nine years.
Just think of all those days during those nine years that OP would have been getting on with her life, not thinking for one moment that her partner might be secretly messaging someone. There are so many implications for this. I'd be thinking, what about those nights when I went to bed early tired and he said he was going to stay up and watch something on TV, but now I know that he probably was messaging her.
I'd be thinking, what about all those conversations we had about when he was meeting up with his mate, did he ever relate any of those conversations, when he said he was someplace, he was actually someplace else, what was I doing at that time, I'd be looking through my diary or my phone trying to figure it all out.
Basically, I wouldn't feel 'safe' anymore. I'd be suspicious and feel like I could never again know what was true about my life. I think it could easily drive someone to the brink of a nervous breakdown. Nine years.

Mari9999 · 16/04/2023 16:25

@Mom2K
I a truly healthy relationship there is an understanding of the difference between privacy and secrecy. Loving adults can respect each other' s right to some self determined levels of privacy without thinking that they are keeping secrets. They can respect the fact that there are some things that I for reasons of my own may not wish to share.

In healthy relationships, an adult should not have to lie about with whom they are having lunch. They should be able to say that I am having lunch with my friend Henry, Mary or Sue, and there should be no response related to the friends gender. In a healthy relationship men and women should be allowed to have friends of both genders without any judgement being passed.

In a healthy relationship, people do not cheat and should have no reason to feel compelled to lie.

This relationship sounds unhealthy, but cheating is only one of the several possible reasons for which it could be unhealthy.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 16/04/2023 16:31

Nine years!

Not sure how you could ever trust him again.

Deleted messages - massive red flag.

You'll never know the truth of it OP

CleaningOutMyCloset · 16/04/2023 16:33

He's lied to you for 9 years! Just let that sink in... does it matter if he's had a full blown affair, or an emotional affair or he just chose to lie? 9 years he chose his own selfish reasons and lied to you.

This would be a deal breaker for me.

Even if he was worried about your reaction, he should have asked himself why he was worried, was it because he was worried you'd put a stop to it, because you were jealous or because he knew he shouldn't be doing it. Either way, is a huge selfish act on his part.

He's also continuing to lie, he's only admitting to what you can prove. Which means he's continuing to put his own selfish needs and wants above your feelings. How are you supposed to make a decision about the relationship if he's only giving you half the puzzle to solve. Just another show if his selfishness

Choconut · 16/04/2023 16:48

So he thought this friendship would make you angry but he did it anyway. He lied about it for 9 years and can't see why that would be a problem. He has some of the messages but for some reason has deleted other messages. It doesn't sound great does it. To be honest I don't know any man that would put that much effort into a friendship for that long if they didn't want/get something more from it than a chant about work. Even with the best intentions genuine friendships often start to drift when one person moves away.

What does your gut say OP? Does this friendship seem different to others he has? I'm guessing so and I'd trust your gut, I wish I had.

EasterBreak · 16/04/2023 16:53

He's been having an affair for sure. Sorry op.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 16/04/2023 16:54

What does he say were his reasons for deleting the messages where there are gaps in the conversation? I mean, he can reason his way out of deleting entire conversations, but deleting selected messages? How on earth is he talking his way out of that?

supersop60 · 16/04/2023 17:14

If you are doing something that you feel you need to lie about, then maybe you shouldn't be doing it.
There's more to this than just friendship.

Legselevens · 16/04/2023 17:16

i Would find this level of deceit heartbreaking. Your gut is telling you it’s off. Because it is. You don’t delete work colleagues messages like that or parts of messages. Guilty as hell. I’m sorry OP but he sounds like he is up to no good. Please read ‘the script’. More will come out.

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 16/04/2023 17:23

And I bet she isn't Betty who is 57 from accounts.....

Do you have her number, put it into WhatsApp as see her picture or find her on FB

5128gap · 16/04/2023 17:27

If he's lied to you for 9 years, the only thing you can be certain of is that you can be certain of nothing. In the same way as 'meeting a man' really meant meeting a woman, 'lunch, drinks and shop talk' could mean two hours having sex at the Premier Inn. Unfortunately unless you can get him to confess to an affair, you're never going to know what really happened. So the only question is, can you live with that?

CombatBarbie · 16/04/2023 17:48

YellowAndGreenToBeSeen · 16/04/2023 14:08

Hmmmm. I’ve got a male friend who pops round for coffee once a month or so. We message regularly too - politics, jokes, celeb gossip etc. He’s married and I know his wife doesn’t know.

We’ve never slept together, have know each other 30 odd years.

He doesn’t tell his wife because she wouldn’t like it but there’s nothing ‘not to like’.

Appreciate your situation is different but just suggesting it’s not necessarily a sexual or emotional relationship. Could just be friends.

I think this is a rare example of a platonic relationship.

Op his phone will have backed up the WhatsApp, just restore it. Or check archive

Dery · 16/04/2023 18:03

“If he's lied to you for 9 years, the only thing you can be certain of is that you can be certain of nothing. In the same way as 'meeting a man' really meant meeting a woman, 'lunch, drinks and shop talk' could mean two hours having sex at the Premier Inn. Unfortunately unless you can get him to confess to an affair, you're never going to know what really happened. So the only question is, can you live with that?”

This.

Gall10 · 16/04/2023 18:09

They’re at it!

YellowAndGreenToBeSeen · 16/04/2023 18:31

@GBoucher its a good point. I’ve no idea as we never discuss their marriage. I doubt he deletes as no reason but I’ve never asked.

@Nanny0gg not quite - she knows we’re friends as part of a wider group. There’s a good few of us who’ve known each other since our teens. I’ve no real idea if she knows we catch up (only really became good friends in the last 10 years) as, as said above, we don’t discuss their marriage.

justanotherdrama · 16/04/2023 18:33

Ginger1982 · 16/04/2023 13:53

9 years? They've been shagging.

This is my thoughts too unfortunately

You need to speak To him and ask him to be honest with you then get your ducks in a row and leave

AnotherEmma · 16/04/2023 18:44

Someone might have suggested this already (I've read all the OP's posts but not all the replies) but in case not: you should get a full STI check-up. Unlikely you'll have anything but you never know.

QueenCamilla · 16/04/2023 19:31

Divebar2021 · 16/04/2023 15:00

I work in a male dominated organisation and have male friends that I meet…. I’m pretty sure they don’t go home and announce that they’ve met me for coffee / whatever or if they do they’re vague and imply there’s a group. It doesn’t mean there’s anything going on it just means they don’t want to get into it about who I am. I stayed with 2 of them in an air b nb with another female friend and I have non idea what they said about that. We’ve been friends 5 / 6 years now but I don’t know if their wives even know my name - no idea.

And you can't see how different this is from the OP's situation? You must be a very young adult.

Do you have a husband? Are you lying to him about your over-night whereabouts?
Is there a particular colleague you secretly text on the evenings and at night?
Is there someone you're "chasing" outside of your relationship by initiating all dates?

caringcarer · 16/04/2023 19:37

Sadly too many men think with their penises. Of course you are going to be upset with a 9 year old lie, while he took her to lunch and told you he was with a male friend. He is obviously attached to this woman or he would not have done it knowing you would be very upset. The fact he has deleted messages would make me more suspicious and I'd not be able to forgive him.

Sarahbumdaa · 16/04/2023 19:52

Emmamoo89 · 16/04/2023 15:18

🙄

Show quote history

Is this mansplaining?

KillerSandy · 16/04/2023 20:08

You are never going to know for a fact what has been said. he has been lying to you deliberately for NINE years. For me that would be unforgivable. Do you have children @Usernameless16 ?

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