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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH had a secret female friend for years

125 replies

Usernameless16 · 16/04/2023 13:44

Not sure what to think. I recently found out DH has had a secret female friend for the last 9 years that I knew nothing about. They used to work together.

He has been meeting her for coffee/lunch (just the two of them) whenever he was in her home town, whilst telling me he was meeting another(male) former work friend. He says this was just for work advice/gossip. However, they now work in entirely different industries, so that doesn’t make sense.

He was private messaging her on a couple of social media platforms, but deleted the whole conversation on Watsapp. The ones he showed me on the other were him arranging to meet, chat on the phone or asking how she was etc. Nothing sexual, but there were obvious gaps in the conversation where things had been deleted. Most of the messages are really late at night and weekends.

He also deleted all the messages on Watsapp and yet he says there was nothing to hide!

He doesn’t have a history of cheating, or do I have form for being jealous. Had he told me about the friendship I would not feel like this.

Does this sound like he was having an emotional affair or am I being ridiculous here?

OP posts:
FL0 · 16/04/2023 14:11

Usernameless16 · 16/04/2023 14:05

How do I get him to be honest about it all? I feel like I’m losing my mind. He says it was all just about work, but he has numerous other friends he can talk to about “work”. Ones he didn’t feel the need to hide his interactions from me.

You can’t make him be honest, he is a liar. You can’t change who he is.he has betrayed your trust. There will be other big lies in your marriage, you’ve just not found them yet.

sorry

Flossyhair · 16/04/2023 14:13

If the friendship and the messages were innocent then firstly he would have told you and secondly, he would not have felt the need to delete them.

Ask him how he would feel if you had done the same thing and if he would like it.

I absolutely hate it when one partner does stuff like this but wouldn't like you doing the same.

I would personally find it very hard to forgive and forget this and there doesn't seem to be anything innocent about it.

LumpySpaceGoddess · 16/04/2023 14:13

If my husband or myself did anything this I can’t imagine our marriage would survive it, I couldn’t be with someone who could betray me like that.
There would be no trust left, if he had absolutely nothing to hide he certainly wouldn’t be deleting messages.

Original poster
Usernameless16 · 16/04/2023 14:13

FL0 · 16/04/2023 14:11

You can’t make him be honest, he is a liar. You can’t change who he is.he has betrayed your trust. There will be other big lies in your marriage, you’ve just not found them yet.

sorry

Show quote history

That’s my fear. Seems he will only admit to what he cannot lie his way out of to me.

Now I’m left wondering what else has been going on.

OP posts:
doozledog · 16/04/2023 14:14

If you didn't know she existed and hes deleting msgs then you have a cheat on your hands. Ive been where you are, at least a years worth of msgs, i let it go! Wish i didn't 3yrs later he has another affair!

Irritateandunreasonable · 16/04/2023 14:15

He’s very obviously been having an affair. Sorry OP ♥️

forthisinamechange · 16/04/2023 14:18

Wouldn't matter if they've slept together or not. His behaviour is unacceptable.

Psuedoshoes · 16/04/2023 14:18

I had this with my ex husband. Found out he had a secret friend, he said nothing untoward was going on. He minimised every stage, each time I found out something more incriminating he'd say 'that's it; you know everything now', until something worse would transpire. It got to the point I felt I was losing my mind. In the end I found out they'd been sexting, that was the end for me. I hope this isn't the case with your husband, but I would imagine at the very least he'll be minimising.

TheKobayashiMaru · 16/04/2023 14:19

Usernameless16 · 16/04/2023 14:05

How do I get him to be honest about it all? I feel like I’m losing my mind. He says it was all just about work, but he has numerous other friends he can talk to about “work”. Ones he didn’t feel the need to hide his interactions from me.

You can't. He'll only admit as much as he needs to to get you to back off. If she was just a friend, why the 9 year lie?

Riverlee · 16/04/2023 14:21

The messages aren’t so bad if they’re friendly chat. I can see how that happens - you chatted for work and just kept up that communication, and men can have platonic female friends etc etc.

However, it’s the meeting up for coffee and lying that would get me. Especially the lying, secrecy and deceit.

Crikeyalmighty · 16/04/2023 14:22

It's incredibly disrespectful at minimum- i had this happen too- but found out a long time after it was happening. In my case he said it was 'a crush' but all on his side- I can't prove that was the case either. thing is I stayed but have never 100% felt the same. It totally knocked the wind out my sails.

Mari9999 · 16/04/2023 14:23

Obviously, no one of us can know the extent of this friendship. Even those stating with absolute certainty do not know if this is true. Many of those making that statement cannot say with absolute certainty that their own partners are faithful, Certainly, prior to making this discovery, you would have attested to his fidelity.

What you know with certainty is that he had a friendship with someone about whom you knew nothing. Not everything that is not shared is s secret. Sometimes people don't tell you things because they don't want to experience your reaction. Sometimes people don't tell you simply because they want to own some aspects of their life as their own. Sometimes they don't tell you because they are cheating. Sometimes they have reasons that we may never know.

Obviously, you are upset. The question for you is do you wish to remain in the relationship.? Are your feelings if doubt and mistrust so strong that you want to end the relationship?

If the answer is yes, then you take the steps necessary to end the marriage. If the answer is no, then perhaps the 2 of you might seek counseling to impose your communication skills.

Have you been unhappy durIng these 9:years? Would you have objected to this relationship had you known it was with a female? It did not seem to bother you when you thought it was with a male.

What do you want to be the outcome of this discovery? The answer to that question should determine your next dteps.

GBoucher · 16/04/2023 14:24

YellowAndGreenToBeSeen · 16/04/2023 14:08

Hmmmm. I’ve got a male friend who pops round for coffee once a month or so. We message regularly too - politics, jokes, celeb gossip etc. He’s married and I know his wife doesn’t know.

We’ve never slept together, have know each other 30 odd years.

He doesn’t tell his wife because she wouldn’t like it but there’s nothing ‘not to like’.

Appreciate your situation is different but just suggesting it’s not necessarily a sexual or emotional relationship. Could just be friends.

But would he delete parts of your chat history if his wife asked to see the messages? I think that's the crux of the matter here.

monsteramunch · 16/04/2023 14:24

Usernameless16 · 16/04/2023 13:57

If the boot was on the other foot, and I was meeting a man behind his back and sending messages all hours and sinking emojis he would hit the roof!

Total double standards.

Have you said this to him? If so what was his response?

Oh and as for this:

He says he lied because he thought I would be mad. But he didn’t realise I would be this upset apparently!

Loving partners don't just do something secretly if they think it would make their partner 'mad'. They talk about it like an adult.

And he's bullshitting.

He thought you'd be so 'mad' about it that he has hidden a friendship for an entire decade... but simultaneously claims to be surprised you're upset? Well which is it...

teneastereggs · 16/04/2023 14:29

My first thought is he fancies the woman and that's why he's not told you. Perhaps in his mind it's a back up plan kinda thing. I'd suspect she doesn't feel the same otherwise they'd already have had an affair and he'd have left. But it does make him look suspicious.

Original poster
Usernameless16 · 16/04/2023 14:33

teneastereggs · 16/04/2023 14:29

My first thought is he fancies the woman and that's why he's not told you. Perhaps in his mind it's a back up plan kinda thing. I'd suspect she doesn't feel the same otherwise they'd already have had an affair and he'd have left. But it does make him look suspicious.

Yes, this crossed my mind. The conversations I saw, it was all him asking how she was and asking to meet. Although she appears to be responding back saying how nice it will be to see him again.

OP posts:
samestyle · 16/04/2023 14:36

Deleting out the parts that suggest it's more than friendship, it can't be completely one sided if this has been going on for years, it wouldn't be secret if nothing to hide. She wouldn't put up with years of him fancying her if she didn't, at very least she enjoys the attention.

TennisWithDeborah · 16/04/2023 14:45

To be completely honest….if they have not had a sexual relationship, it’s not for want of trying on his part. He’s either cheating or smitten. A genuinely platonic friendship would be in the open.

I am really sorry, OP. I know you were hoping for different responses.

teneastereggs · 16/04/2023 14:45

She might just enjoy having an admirer. You could try contacting her directly and asking her what's happened- you'd be entitled to do that I think.

violetskypurple · 16/04/2023 14:46

Nothing sexual, but there were obvious gaps in the conversation where things had been deleted. Most of the messages are really late at night and weekends

I don't believe it was a friendship

SophiaElizabethGrace · 16/04/2023 14:49

How often has he been meeting up with her?

I guess you are never really going to find out all of the details. He's lied and will no doubt continue lying, he'll just find better ways to hide it all. He sounds awful.

Do you have children with him?

Seaitoverthere · 16/04/2023 14:50

violetskypurple · 16/04/2023 14:46

Nothing sexual, but there were obvious gaps in the conversation where things had been deleted. Most of the messages are really late at night and weekends

I don't believe it was a friendship

I don’t believe it was just a friendship either.

herlightmaterials · 16/04/2023 14:51

I can't think this is innocent.

HappyMe6 · 16/04/2023 14:52

Red flags! He’s deleted some of the convo why is this! Obvious to me. He didn’t want you to know of these secret liaisons, lied! I’d be planning an exit route, so sorry this is happening5o you

shutthewindownow · 16/04/2023 14:52

At best this is an emotional affair but 9 years I'd be really surprised if this hasn't been physical. Deleted messages tell you all you need to know