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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Did anyone leave their kid(s) with their dad?

76 replies

reddwarfgeek · 12/04/2023 11:30

Feel free to search my other threads. My relationship is awful. Has been for years . Partner never pulls his weight, we don't like each other, separate beds, he's selfish and always goes abroad to see friends or gets drunk at the football. I do all of childcare and house work. Counselling hasn't worked. He won't leave the house and I've been thinking of leaving with Dd.
DD and I were very close but lately she has started saying she hates me and wishes it was just her and her dad. I've fallen into trap of me doing the donkey work and being the disciplinarian and he swans in , gives her some cuddles for half an hour and he's flavour of the month.
She's been really nasty to me the last couple of days saying she hates me.
I'm wondering now if I should leave her with her dad, at least in the short term? I'm absolutely sick of the pair of them. She doesn't sleep well even at 5, is spoilt and possibly on the ADHD spectrum.
I've not slept well and am off for Easter holidays so judgement may be clouded. I may be being irrational but at this moment I'd happily be free of the pair of them. If he's so great let her see what it feels like?

OP posts:
Amantissima · 12/04/2023 11:32

She's FIVE. Don't make a small child into a tool to punish your useless partner with.

Annonymiss123 · 12/04/2023 11:35

If he's so great let her see what it feels like?

Your daughter is 5 years old... a baby!! Leave your useless DH and give your daughter (& yourself) a happy life.

Opentooffers · 12/04/2023 11:43

Perhaps take a weekend away, just for you. Make it clear you will be back, to your DD. She will doubtless come to realise day to day how useless her Dad is and appreciate you more without being traumatised by your abandonment - which is hopefully just your kneejerk reaction to what she said.
Time away for yourself may help you to see things more clearly, space to breathe and plan for a better future.

ThisIsaNiceDress · 12/04/2023 11:48

Opentooffers · 12/04/2023 11:43

Perhaps take a weekend away, just for you. Make it clear you will be back, to your DD. She will doubtless come to realise day to day how useless her Dad is and appreciate you more without being traumatised by your abandonment - which is hopefully just your kneejerk reaction to what she said.
Time away for yourself may help you to see things more clearly, space to breathe and plan for a better future.

This

ThisIsaNiceDress · 12/04/2023 11:49

And also don’t underestimate how much he might have manipulated her into behaving in such an awful way to you.

SeulementUneFois · 12/04/2023 11:50

Opentooffers · 12/04/2023 11:43

Perhaps take a weekend away, just for you. Make it clear you will be back, to your DD. She will doubtless come to realise day to day how useless her Dad is and appreciate you more without being traumatised by your abandonment - which is hopefully just your kneejerk reaction to what she said.
Time away for yourself may help you to see things more clearly, space to breathe and plan for a better future.

Also agree with this.
Take (at least) a weekend away.

elm26 · 12/04/2023 11:51

If he's so great let her see what it feels like?*
*
She's 5? It's not her fault you're in a shit marriage and haven't left. She's a child, she loves her parents. Poor girl.

creaamontop · 12/04/2023 11:51

I understand where you're coming from but your daughter isn't the problem here. You're right, it's good cop, bad cop and it's damaging your mental health and your relationship with dd. The problem here is the bad cop and he's what needs to go. Get rid of him, he'll need to actually parent his child when he has her on his own, and you can spend all the extra energy you gain from not having this lead weight round your neck on building you and dd back up to the point you can appreciate her again. Her behaviour towards you will no doubt improve without this shitty dynamic she's being pulled into. I'm in exactly the same situation with a 12 year old, we're separated a year, it would have been so much easier to navigate when she was 5 and I sorely regret not leaving sooner.

ComeTheFuckOnBridgett · 12/04/2023 11:53

She's 5 years old not an awful teenager.
She loves her mum and dad.
Take some time away but don't just dump her.

Fcuk38 · 12/04/2023 11:56

Well you’ve not painted any parent in the best of lights have you. Start parenting and if you want out of your marriage then do so but that shouldn’t mean out of parenthood.

PermanentTemporary · 12/04/2023 11:58

Everyone has bad moments and it is horrible hearing your child say they hate you. Ds still has 'mummy is a poo' scored into his bedroom door. It was not a good day when he wrote that.

But no, don't leave her. You're still close, it's just that relationships have ups and downs. Get legal advice about your options.

Pencilsaremylife · 12/04/2023 11:59

If she were a teen it might be tempting but she’s only 5. She doesn’t have any capacity to understand parental dynamics, of course she will favour the Disney parent or whoever gave her chocolate last. Do you really want her to be neglected by leaving her with your partner full time just to teach her a lesson, cause that is how it’s coming across. You need to put aside your feelings and put her welfare first, even if she doesn’t thank you for it now she will appreciate it when she is older.

Coffeellama · 12/04/2023 12:00

She’s 5 and being raised by parents who hate each other, she doesn’t hate you, she’s scared and uncertain about her life, she’s unhappy because you both are. This situation is 100% yours and her dads fault, not hers, so no you don’t walk away from her. If he isn’t abusive then move out if you want and have 50/50 custody, but if he’s drunk and never does anything of course you don’t leave her there with him. Take control of this situation think of her first.

Ilovetea42 · 12/04/2023 12:02

It's easy to be the fun happy parent when you're taking on zero responsibility. Your dd is only 5 she is way too young to understand the dynamics of your relationship and the impact its having on you or how much you do for her. It's completely reasonable to be angry at your partner and blame him for not stepping up, it is wholly unreasonable to be angry at a 5 year old who doesn't understand why mummy is stressed and cross all the time. Can you make time to go out with dd alone and do some nice things to rebuild that connection?

Channellingsophistication · 12/04/2023 12:05

Dont leave her - she’s only 5.

The weekend away advice is great. It gives you time to think about how you can leave the relationship with your DD. Your DD will miss you and be glad to see you back may noticed how rubbish her dad is. He may well be berating you to your DD to make her say those things so it’s not her fault. Shes so young.

PJRules · 12/04/2023 12:09

I can see why you'd feel that way. Just because he's a shit husband doesn't mean he's a shit dad - but is he? Would he care for her? What if he said he didn't want her?

If you split up presumably your dd will spend a significant amount of time in the sole care of her dad by way of access arrangements, that's sufficient for her to see if he's a crap dad and him to realise he needs to get his act together.

Original poster
reddwarfgeek · 12/04/2023 12:10

Thanks everyone.

Yes, he does berate me to her by saying,mummy is always so stressed out, mummy is neurotic etc. I'm that way as he barely lifts a finger! But obviously I can't say that to her.

We spend loads of time together, I'm always taking her to parties, softplays, to parks, I take her to her hobbies etc. But she prefers dad still.

OP posts:
Coffeellama · 12/04/2023 12:12

She won’t forever though OP, she’s so small right now. One day she will see him for who he is, and be greatful for who you are (assuming you don’t leave her obviously). You are her stability and comfort, she needs you so stick with her and ditch him.

Whydoievenbother · 12/04/2023 12:14

Gosh, as tired as I am I could never leave my child under any circumstances

TheLurpackYears · 12/04/2023 12:15

Could she be voicing, in the best way that a 5 year old can that she knows you aren't keeping her safe from her father's negative impact on herself? I'm currently exiting a similar relationship, I understand how massively hard it is to mother well under such pressure, and I understand the urge to just flee.

Gwdihooooo · 12/04/2023 12:21

My mum did. With my brother. I was all grown up and had left home. My brother was 7. BUT!!!…. His dad was great! My mum was too, but my brother and his dad had so much more in common, spent all their free time together anyway. It just made sense! Unfortunately my brother’s dad died when he was 19, so he ended up living on his own in their house. My mum was only ever up the road and they have always had and still do have a close relationship.

mummymeister · 12/04/2023 12:21

she doesnt prefer her dad. she is just trying to keep the peace between the two of you and really this is not a position that you should both have put her in and certainly need to end it before there really is long term damage to her. People think kids dont know whats going on but 100% they do. she is on eggshells. She is your priority at the moment, not you and certainly not him. end the relationship and then look at shared care etc but dont just walk out on her because of something she has done at 5 for goodness sake.

Honeycomb22 · 12/04/2023 12:31

When I started reading your post I assumed a 14/15 year old. She’s just a baby and needs her mum!

Thinkitsrainingagain · 12/04/2023 12:57

ExH was like this. I left him 3 years ago and took DC with me. They would have said at the time they preferred their Dad as he was the fun parent.

He is still a Disney Dad when he sees them every other weekend however, my relationship with DC has strengthened. ExH is not there to undermine me. DC know the rules and the boundaries and are better behaved as a result of it. It only took a few weekends of no rules for the novelty to wear off.

There have been a few occasions (usually when riles are being enforced or I have said no to something) that I have been threatened with 'I'm going to go and live with Dad'. The response has been a firm 'that's fine. The door is there but you don't get to come back' (DC are teens). They haven't gone.

Leave and take DD with you. I wish I had left years before. You may have a bit of her saying she prefers Dad but honestly it will pass.

Skybluepinky · 12/04/2023 13:06

My male friend has his kids, mum left and kids don’t want to see her, they are 16 and 17.
Most of the mums friends turned against her, she tried bad mouthing him and everyone knew she was lying.