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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Did anyone leave their kid(s) with their dad?

76 replies

reddwarfgeek · 12/04/2023 11:30

Feel free to search my other threads. My relationship is awful. Has been for years . Partner never pulls his weight, we don't like each other, separate beds, he's selfish and always goes abroad to see friends or gets drunk at the football. I do all of childcare and house work. Counselling hasn't worked. He won't leave the house and I've been thinking of leaving with Dd.
DD and I were very close but lately she has started saying she hates me and wishes it was just her and her dad. I've fallen into trap of me doing the donkey work and being the disciplinarian and he swans in , gives her some cuddles for half an hour and he's flavour of the month.
She's been really nasty to me the last couple of days saying she hates me.
I'm wondering now if I should leave her with her dad, at least in the short term? I'm absolutely sick of the pair of them. She doesn't sleep well even at 5, is spoilt and possibly on the ADHD spectrum.
I've not slept well and am off for Easter holidays so judgement may be clouded. I may be being irrational but at this moment I'd happily be free of the pair of them. If he's so great let her see what it feels like?

OP posts:
Thesharkradar · 12/04/2023 13:15

But she prefers dad still
So did my daughter at that age, now she's an adult she hasn't spoken to him for years and she sees him for the despicable person that he is.

Original poster
reddwarfgeek · 12/04/2023 13:24

Thanks everyone. I guess it's hard at the minute as I'm doing playdates with her friends etc and her dad gets to go out for tea, to the cinema etc by himself. Today he went out at 12 and said he'll be back at 8:30. When you give you so much for your child it's hard to hear they don't like you.
Maybe it won't be this way forever.

OP posts:
Thesharkradar · 12/04/2023 13:34

reddwarfgeek · 12/04/2023 13:24

Thanks everyone. I guess it's hard at the minute as I'm doing playdates with her friends etc and her dad gets to go out for tea, to the cinema etc by himself. Today he went out at 12 and said he'll be back at 8:30. When you give you so much for your child it's hard to hear they don't like you.
Maybe it won't be this way forever.

One other way to look at it is that she trusts you enough to tell you how she is feeling, I remember an incidenct when my daughter was about 6/7, I had split from her father, she was with me and crying because she missed her daddy. I remember thinking to myself well that's a bit much crying about him when you're with me, but I didn't show it, I was kind and I comforted her.
I later realised that had she been with him and missing me there was no way she would have been able to show her feelings because he would have punished her for her disloyalty to him. Obviously at that age this isn't something that she could process or put into words, she just instinctively wouldn't have been able to express her feelings about me in his presence.
I expect your daughter still trusts you and turns to you for comfort when she needs it, of course she can't resist the lure of Disney daddy... because she's a small child! It's very easy for him to manipulate her... it's like 'taking candy from a baby'

Eggseggseverywhere · 12/04/2023 13:43

I moved out with the idea we would share 50/50 dc. Irl I fought hard for 4 years for every hour I got with my dc. Tbh our relationship never recovered.. Mine were 3.5 and 6. Exh told them I left because I didn't want to be their dm anymore..

Original poster
reddwarfgeek · 12/04/2023 14:10

@Eggseggseverywhere Sorry to hear that. How old are they now? It sounds so difficult.

OP posts:
creaamontop · 12/04/2023 14:11

Maybe it won't be this way forever? You say that line you've no control over it and no intention to do anything about it. I guarantee there is no maybe about it. If you stay it WILL be like this forever, in fact, worse. If you leave it WILL NOT be like this forever. You can't control what he does, only what you do.

Original poster
reddwarfgeek · 12/04/2023 14:26

@creaamontop Sorry, I know it sounds defeatist. I mean my daughter will grow up and maybe appreciate what I do for her more.

OP posts:
AutumnCrow · 12/04/2023 14:41

One thing I do know is that you sound exhausted, OP, and in need of a break. I agree with pp that you might tell them you are having a few days away and will then be back to assess the situation.

Have a rest and a think, and some sleep; and see how you feel then. You can't continue on an empty tank.

ilovewispas · 12/04/2023 14:41

She is 5. OF COURSE she doesn't appreciate what you do.

You are an appalling mother if you leave her with your husband to teach her some sort of lesson, she is 5. You are the parent.

Both of my sons have times they prefer my husband or me. It's part of them growing up. You can't take it personally.

QueenBee1234 · 12/04/2023 14:43

How much appreciation do you expect from a five year old? What exactly do you feel she should be doing to show her appreciation?
She shouldn't have to shower you with gratitude for her existence, that isn't what parenting is about.

Bamboux · 12/04/2023 14:50

I thought you were going to say she was 14. And even then...

ffs she's FIVE.

SchoolTripDrama · 12/04/2023 14:52

Whydoievenbother · 12/04/2023 12:14

Gosh, as tired as I am I could never leave my child under any circumstances

Yeah that's a really helpful thing to say to a seemingly depressed mother who's potentially in crisis and is simply having irrational thoughts. How about being understanding and supporting her to gain some perspective???

jannier · 12/04/2023 14:57

All 5 year olds hate you at some point they don't understand and she loves you .....if you walk out on her that could cause real damage.

Ponderingwindow · 12/04/2023 14:58

5yos act out with the parent they feel safest with. Your daughter is letting you know something is wrong. She likely doesn’t have the ability to be specific or to articulate the source of her stress, so she directs her anguish towards the person she knows will love her and accept her no matter what she does. Most likely, she is picking up on the stress of your household. Leaving her with a father who doesn’t actively parent isn’t going to help her. You are her safe person.

Theunamedcat · 12/04/2023 15:05

Take a short holiday make sure the days your away are not catered and have activities that you usually take her too and she enjoys he will either step up and you can say fantastic daddy's job now or he will blow it

But she will still blame you

thecatsarecrazy · 12/04/2023 15:36

If she was 15 I could understand where your coming from, but 5 is harsh. My youngest Is 6 and he's still only little and says things I'm sure he doesn't really mean.

HappinesDependsOnYou · 12/04/2023 19:59

She is probably getting a positive reaction off him when she says things like that. She is searching for attention from him and you are the safety and security she knows won't let her down. How do you react when she says things like that?

Mischance · 12/04/2023 20:08

I'm absolutely sick of the pair of them. - no, just no. By all means be exasperated by the situation, but you are a parent; you cannot choose to be sick of a small child and wash your hands of her. She is looking to you to behave like the adult you are and help her.

Of course she says she hates you - she has been fed negative information by your OH. She does not know that living with just him would be hell as he is not capable of being a good parent and meeting her needs - she is not old enough to recognise or articulate her needs - she is just a confused child caught up as pawn in her parents' games.

Try and separate your feelings about the situation between the two of you, stand back, be objective and be a proper parent. She needs you to put her first - never mind your feelings. They matter of course, but hers matter more at the moment.

It is hard but you must get a grip for your child's sake. You need out of that situation with your DD.

I was that child pawn - it is hell. YOU are her only rescue route.

Original poster
reddwarfgeek · 13/04/2023 11:22

Morning everyone. Thank you for your replies.
Today I've had all morning, I hate mummy, stupid mummy from DD and partner joined in too!
I know she is only a child but it's very hard not to feel upset. Especially as I have to take her out on my own all day and tomorrow.
I feel she would be happier just with her dad?

OP posts:
PermanentTemporary · 13/04/2023 11:35

No. She wouldn't.

You've got to stop this. Hes got to stop this.

The relationship between you and your partner sounds awful. You need to be grown ups and sort it out. Get yourselves on a parenting course, together. Book it today, or at the very least contact your health visitor about it.

In the meantime, just laugh. 'Yes I'm cruel hard hearted mum who is the worst! Now I'm going to make you do the washing up, oh no!' Fill the sink with bubbles abd plates and play with her.

Carrotsandsuede · 13/04/2023 11:38

i Think you should leave for a weekend.

if money is tight then a premier inn for £30ish a night. Do at least 2-3 days.

I do not understand the posters bashing you for this post but not your DP. He swans off and leaves his DD all the time. But the OP is ‘abandoning’ her DD and it’s ‘unfathomable’ she has these thoughts? Sounds like double standards?

You need a break OP and then leave him but with 50/50 custody. Then reevaluate when that’s in place.

However for the time being I do think you need to go away for a few days. Sooner rather than later. Or you will reach breaking point and just walk out. Better you take this break now to be clear headed than break down and flip out and walk away.

sending you hugs OP. It’s not easy and your DD does love you. However you need to take care of yourself too so that you can take care of her in a healthy way.

coloursquare · 13/04/2023 11:41

You both need to learn how to be parents.

A 5 year old is not there to carry either of your emotional loads.

It's meant to be the other way around.

Sprogonthetyne · 13/04/2023 11:41

She's awful to you because she knows deep down your love is unconditional, so she feels safe to let her emotions out. Whereas she knows that if she's not sweet and lovely with her dad he won't bother at all, so although he gets the cuddles, it comes from insecurity not love.

Don't make a 5 year old live an unsecured life with an inadequate parent. The childhood you would be leaving her to live would emotionally damage her for life. How could you even think that was an appropriate punishment/ revenge(?) for a young child acting out when overwhelmed by developing emotions.

GoodChat · 13/04/2023 11:44

He's not capable of caring for a child. He's using her against you.

Separate from him and take her with you.

SeulementUneFois · 13/04/2023 11:58

Carrotsandsuede · 13/04/2023 11:38

i Think you should leave for a weekend.

if money is tight then a premier inn for £30ish a night. Do at least 2-3 days.

I do not understand the posters bashing you for this post but not your DP. He swans off and leaves his DD all the time. But the OP is ‘abandoning’ her DD and it’s ‘unfathomable’ she has these thoughts? Sounds like double standards?

You need a break OP and then leave him but with 50/50 custody. Then reevaluate when that’s in place.

However for the time being I do think you need to go away for a few days. Sooner rather than later. Or you will reach breaking point and just walk out. Better you take this break now to be clear headed than break down and flip out and walk away.

sending you hugs OP. It’s not easy and your DD does love you. However you need to take care of yourself too so that you can take care of her in a healthy way.

@reddwarfgeek
This OP.
Please do this.
Even the crappiest hotel is better than hearing how she hates you. At least you'll have a break from that.
Just get up at the weekend, leave the house and only text him to tell him after you left. Definitely don't tell him in advance as he'll leave instead to prevent it.