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Original poster

Did anyone leave their kid(s) with their dad?

76 replies

reddwarfgeek · 12/04/2023 11:30

Feel free to search my other threads. My relationship is awful. Has been for years . Partner never pulls his weight, we don't like each other, separate beds, he's selfish and always goes abroad to see friends or gets drunk at the football. I do all of childcare and house work. Counselling hasn't worked. He won't leave the house and I've been thinking of leaving with Dd.
DD and I were very close but lately she has started saying she hates me and wishes it was just her and her dad. I've fallen into trap of me doing the donkey work and being the disciplinarian and he swans in , gives her some cuddles for half an hour and he's flavour of the month.
She's been really nasty to me the last couple of days saying she hates me.
I'm wondering now if I should leave her with her dad, at least in the short term? I'm absolutely sick of the pair of them. She doesn't sleep well even at 5, is spoilt and possibly on the ADHD spectrum.
I've not slept well and am off for Easter holidays so judgement may be clouded. I may be being irrational but at this moment I'd happily be free of the pair of them. If he's so great let her see what it feels like?

OP posts:
thymewaster · 13/04/2023 12:33

I did. I'm embarrassed. I left one of my dc with their dad. We separated we had one child each out of my stupidity and wanting to work but not able to do school run because I got my idea
full time job offer... I lived separately from my child for about a year but myself & dp were seeing each other still. Only maybe separated for 4 months or something. I regret doing this as that child doesn't bond with me as well as the other even though we all live together now and have done for some time. When I was not living with my child I would still them 3 days a week and talk on phone too but it's not the same.

Eggseggseverywhere · 13/04/2023 12:43

Dc are now 19,21and 22. Older one was his df's sounding board and our relationship never recovered.. Despite that dc telling me he knew df hated me more than he loved him.
A big mess for years and years.
Don't do it op. Just don't.

RubiesAndRaindrops · 13/04/2023 12:49

Clearly you need a break and its an awful situation to be in. I strongly suspect that your DD talks that way because of her dad. It's not you, or her, he's being a malign influence. Whilst a weekend away would be good for you personally I'd be worried that your partner would use it as a weapon against you & tell DD that mummy abandoned them or some other nonsense. I also don't think that at 5, a weekend is long enough for DD to notice that he's crap. If he doesn't make her lunch or enforce bedtimes, say, she either won't notice or think great I can stay up late. Hard as it is, either he needs to go or the two of you need to leave. Sympathies OP, it's really difficult.

Quartz2208 · 13/04/2023 12:52

You need to take a deep breathe and a step back and look at exactly what he parenting and neglect is doing to her. To the point where she is both desperate for his attention (does he give her much) and echoing what he says (as a means to gain approval and attention)

and get you both out. Children lash out and say hurtful things

Motnight · 13/04/2023 13:00

Quartz2208 · 13/04/2023 12:52

You need to take a deep breathe and a step back and look at exactly what he parenting and neglect is doing to her. To the point where she is both desperate for his attention (does he give her much) and echoing what he says (as a means to gain approval and attention)

and get you both out. Children lash out and say hurtful things

This. Your dd is a victim of her father. You need to leave him.

SunnySaturdayMorning · 13/04/2023 13:04

she knows deep down your love is unconditional

Except that it isn’t, is it? Because OP wants to abandon a small child as a punishment because she isn’t behaving the way she wants and isn’t grateful for what she does for her.

Original poster
reddwarfgeek · 13/04/2023 13:08

@SunnySaturdayMorning Of course I don't want to leave her. I do love her unconditionally. I'm just very upset and considering all options. This would be a last resort.

OP posts:
Bluebells1970 · 13/04/2023 13:19

Time to leave before any more damage is done. Kids need boundaries and discipline just as much as they need love, and you can both start afresh with each other away from his constant negativity and disney parenting. He may demand 50/50 but that'll soon change when he gets 50% of the grunt work.

Kids are hard work at the best of times - but she's lashing out for a reason and only you can change that.

herlightmaterials · 13/04/2023 13:23

You shouldn't automatically be the main carer if you split up, no. But your attitude is lousy just now and I understand why.

Try to take some time away and recoup but don't let yourself be elbowed out of your relationship with your DD because this man has soured your attitude to life.

SunnySaturdayMorning · 13/04/2023 13:34

reddwarfgeek · 13/04/2023 13:08

@SunnySaturdayMorning Of course I don't want to leave her. I do love her unconditionally. I'm just very upset and considering all options. This would be a last resort.

You don’t love her unconditionally if abandoning her is even an option you’re exploring.

Stressfordays · 13/04/2023 13:45

I know exactly how you are feeling. It is a valid emotion and do not beat yourself up about it. When I was going through .y divorce I was furious I was doing all the drudge work and he got to play Disney dad. I often wanted to just leave them with him and get on with my life. My head was all over the place. My ex was abusive in so many ways, he once kept the kids and refused to give them back to me. That day was the day I realised my maternal instincts were way stronger then my anger at doing all the boring stuff. I fought like a tiger and got my kids back within 24 hours. Id rather do everything by myself forever then feel that way ever again. Leave and take your daughter, do not look back.

Starlightstarbright1 · 13/04/2023 14:59

There are so many people who have never lived this life .

you absolutely shouldn’t go away for the weekend - you will come home and have a pile of washing, dishes and cleaning - also a weekend of dad bad mouthing you saying mummy doesn’t care , gone to get away from you etc etc.

you need legal advice - start documenting incidents, challenge these thoughts - there is always a difference between not badmouthing the other parent but also challenging the bullshit given . Remind Dd - kind words, of course I am not stupid , laugh lazy would love the chance to be . Don’t start hearing the messages as real . I hate you Mum - well I love you D’s to the moon an back .

lastly potential Adhd are you on pathway - see Gp, school it’s a long road.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 13/04/2023 15:01

Just make plans to split. You’re showing her a really bad model, which she is obviously picking up on already.

your ‘DH’ is a loser

Sprogonthetyne · 14/04/2023 07:54

SunnySaturdayMorning · 13/04/2023 13:04

she knows deep down your love is unconditional

Except that it isn’t, is it? Because OP wants to abandon a small child as a punishment because she isn’t behaving the way she wants and isn’t grateful for what she does for her.

Op's words on the Internet that the DD will never read and which are more likely venting, say she is considering the possibility (not wants to). Her actions, which have been to give almost all love and care for the last 5 years say differently.

Op's not a service robot, she has her own emotions and can be hurt. I know I've said things I didn't mean about my kids when venting to friends.

Alexya · 14/04/2023 10:19

it would be ideal to leave her with someone else you trust and not with him! he s not picking up the slack for caring for her while your are there i do not expect him to do so now... u can take a few hours each day to run errands and let him with her, gradually.. she s a bit youngg to understand punishments, but you could try, you need to educate her, it is your job , you need to tell her that the way she treats people that she needs to do favours.. and tell her yes mommy is stupid coz she is taking you to your play date.. let mommy be smart by not taking you... start teaching her , bad behaviour is punishable( talking bad has repercussions), YOU NEED A BREAK, that is for sure, but make sure how u take that break won't damage your kid even more, and for sure BREAK UP WITH THE DUDE THATS SUPOSED TO BE A PARTNER AND A COPARENT...he should know to care for your daughter just as you do.

PussInBin20 · 14/04/2023 10:43

When your DD says she hates you or calls you stupid, do you pull her up on this and question her to why she thinks like that? I would ask her and then point out all the good/nice things that you do together so that she (hopefully) realises that what she says isn’t actually true. I think if you don’t correct her, she will just think that Dad is right.

I know it’s tricky as she’s so young and your H is an arse, filling her head with rubbish but I definitely wouldn’t let her continue to think that about you. I would also say to her that it’s unkind to say these things.

I am sure she doesn’t really think these things, it’s just what she’s being told.

You do need to separate from him, as it won’t improve.

MaxTalk · 14/04/2023 15:16

No kid wants to see a stressed parent so of course they will gravitate to the one perceived to be more fun.

Mischance · 14/04/2023 19:34

When your DD says she hates you, tell her you love her and you will always be there for her.

YRGAM · 14/04/2023 19:59

I was genuinely shocked when I read the age of the child in the OP. You really have to be the adult in this situation and ride it out. Every time she says she hates you, tell her it's not nice to say that and that you love her. Don't use her to make a point

Naunet · 15/04/2023 09:42

SunnySaturdayMorning · 13/04/2023 13:04

she knows deep down your love is unconditional

Except that it isn’t, is it? Because OP wants to abandon a small child as a punishment because she isn’t behaving the way she wants and isn’t grateful for what she does for her.

Nowhere has she said she wants to abandon her daughter for god sake, she’d just leave him to be the resident parent. No one blinks when men do this and leave their kids with the mother. Well fathers are equal parents, it’s no worse for a man to be resident parent and for the mother to do weekends etc.
Such double standards.

Singapore4 · 15/04/2023 09:46

Defo clouded judgement and kids copy.

Have you got means to leave? Do you have a job OP?

QueenofLouisiana · 15/04/2023 09:56

I actually read the title and came on the thread to say that I did leave DS with his dad during our trial separation (we are back together and working through the issues, with success).

But…he’s in yr13 and needed to be at home where all his school stuff is. He needed access to internet which I didn’t have (at least not at great speed). I told him that I would be very happy for him to come, but understood if that didn’t work. He made the final decision and knew his dad and I supported that choice.

In this situation, I’d say it’s normal for a parent to be in favour/ out of favour with young children. It changes regularly and children will be very blunt about it. They also mimic what they hear without understanding the full consequences of their words. Because they are children. Being the least favoured parent hurts, it really does.

I wouldn’t leave her in this situation. I would be preparing to live your own life away from this man. Look into the weekend break, making sure she knows you’ll be back.

I had a Disney dad. I’m sure I showered him with love which wasn’t kind to my mum. I grew up. Speak to my dad once a week, constantly chatting/ texting/ arranging silly things with my mum. Your DD will do the same.

Moredrama · 15/04/2023 11:17

I lived with my DF, and also have a couple of friends who did, but we were older and the circumstances were different.

With your DD being just 5 I would say you’re best taking her with you. If your DH is constantly belittling you to her, it will only get worse if you leave her with him and not only will it affect your DD’s mental health but you will struggle to have a relationship with her.

Be prepared that your DD will get upset at being away from her DF, so you need to build some resilience to cope with that as she will be saying she hates you and misses him. In time she will settle down though.

I initially thought having a weekend away or a few days here and there to get her used to dad not being “all about fun” was a good idea, but having seen that he belittles you to her I really think he will just ramp up his behaviour and it will make the whole situation harder

perfectcolourfound · 16/04/2023 07:55

Why are you considering the last resort without trying what should be the first resort - take your DD and leave your abusive husband?

That would be best for you and for her. The longer you stay with him, the more it will damage you, her, and her relationship with you.

Daffodilsandtuplips · 01/07/2023 16:35

I thought you were referring to a teenager. But she’s five! Five! Yes leave him by all means but don’t leave her with him, she’s subconsciously picking up on his negativity towards you and she’s scared he’s going to turn on her too. Deep down She knows she can rely on you, you’ll always be there for her but him? He’s another kettle of fish, she’s not so sure of him.