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Original poster

Advice on dating this man

87 replies

ToBeOrNotToBee · 11/04/2023 19:48

I'm 33, single for 2 years, no kids. Have been OLD for a few months, just wanted casual then decided that I was ready for someolthing a bit more.

Then shortly after matched with 'David' (not his real name). We've been speaking for a while and finally met. He's genuinely lovely. Makes me smile and laugh a plenty. Got butterflies. Helps that he's very handsome. Polite. Respectful. Seems like a genuine all round good guy.
He's 35, in the army and seems to be a good egg. I'd like to see him again, the feeling is apparently mutual.

During a talk after we met, he said he had something to tell me. He said that he is a dad to 2, kids aged 13 and 5 with an ex he divorced a few years back. I'm OK with him having kids and an ex wife, perfectly fine for people to have past loves, I do too.

Now here's where I'm concerned. He said when he was deployed, she just up and left, taking the kids with her. He hasn't seen her and the kids since before he went, 3 years ago. They were divorced a few months before he went. He said he pays child maintenance etc and all.

Now, I don't know her, I don't know him (really), only 2 people ever truly know what happens in a marriage but would a woman really up and leave, go fully NC unless there was a really good reason.

I have a very good bullshit detector, can usually spy a walking red flag from 10 miles away, and nothing about this man is screaming walk away. But I can't help but wonder why she left.

If things progress I'm going to do a Claires Law request in case of DV just in case, is there anything else you ladies can think of?

OP posts:
Aaaaandbreathe · 11/04/2023 19:55

I don't have any other suggestions but just wanted to say you sound like you have your head screwed on...but the not seeing his kids is a massive red flag to me even if nothing is screaming at you right now to leave.

What reasons has he given for it? What has he done to remain in contact (court?) Sometimes one parent will maliciously stop contact, but in those circumstances the other parent will move hell and earth to get a contact order in place if they genuinely loved their children.

Crazykefir · 11/04/2023 20:02

Your right to be concerned op. Tread carefully. Id ask some questions about the marriage and divorce over the phone see what he says.

Aaaaandbreathe · 11/04/2023 20:03

Also you need to bear in mind that being a single parent is hard work so I wouldn't take it lightly she has cut him off. Plausible if she left to 'set up home' with someone else because she was cheating but you'd need to be really horrible to deny your children a much loved Dad, plus it still doesn't answer the question of why he's not gone to court (and if he has, why doesn't he see them?)

I'm a parent so perhaps I'm sensitive on the subject but this would be an absolute no from me.

Original poster
ToBeOrNotToBee · 11/04/2023 20:06

Aaaaandbreathe · 11/04/2023 19:55

I don't have any other suggestions but just wanted to say you sound like you have your head screwed on...but the not seeing his kids is a massive red flag to me even if nothing is screaming at you right now to leave.

What reasons has he given for it? What has he done to remain in contact (court?) Sometimes one parent will maliciously stop contact, but in those circumstances the other parent will move hell and earth to get a contact order in place if they genuinely loved their children.

I haven't pried too much as I could tell he was quite emotional, apparently he didn't even know she had gone. A friend in their town noticed the house looking empty and told him whilst he was on deployment. He had to wait until he came back months later.

He said he has no idea where the kids are, and losing them sent him into depression where he very nearly lost himself (this i believe because he mentioned this in our first few messages).

His belief is that she met another man.

During our talk, he never bad mouthed her, or called her crazy which would be an immediate wtf for me.

I just feel there's something that obviously happened between the two, I'd like to know what.

I guess I'll just have to ask him.

OP posts:
Aaaaandbreathe · 11/04/2023 20:11

Sorry, didn't realise they were already divorced.

Definitely ask him but it just seems strange after being together for so long and married that there wasn't any family or friend that knew where they were. Hope everything turns out ok for you x

Leopardlives · 11/04/2023 20:50

I’m sorry OP, this sounds really wrong.

Mycathatesmecuddling · 11/04/2023 20:53

It aways seems to be men who lose contact with children because of something that's the woman's fault

Why on earth did he not go to the police, or social services, or hire an investigator etc

AgrathaChristie · 11/04/2023 20:57

My DH was ex army, long before I met him but from what he said there was quite a lot of wives/ girlfriends leaving, The constant moving and losing friendships ,husbands away in often dangerous places, upheaval to children’s friendships and schooling I think were the main reasons.

I would add that a friend of mine was scammed by a man she “met” OLD, claimed to be in the army, deployed somewhere dangerous. She got so enmeshed even before she’d met up with him, crying that he could be killed any minute, she’d give anything to see him and make sure he was safe 🙄 He strung her along for months. It was total bullshit, all of it.
please tread very carefully.

Zanatdy · 11/04/2023 20:59

I was dating someone recently whose wife did the same, and left the kids with him (youngest being under a year old). I did wonder what went on, why she left. I never found out as didn’t want to pry. I guess relationships end for all kinds of reasons and it wouldn’t necessarily put me straight off

Aquamarine1029 · 11/04/2023 21:00

You should be running like your arse is on fire. Don't bring this mess into your life. Why on earth would you want to invite all of this baggage and bullshit into your world?

OutDamnedSpot · 11/04/2023 21:03

Run. He doesn’t know where they are? Either this is absolute bullshit or he’s a douche who’s not tried to find his kids…

Aaaaandbreathe · 11/04/2023 21:05

My DH was ex army, long before I met him but from what he said there was quite a lot of wives/ girlfriends leaving, The constant moving and losing friendships ,husbands away in often dangerous places, upheaval to children’s friendships and schooling I think were the main reasons.

Understandable to leave a relationship under those circumstances but not cut contact between the Dad and his children. As I said up thread, I think it's strange after being in a marriage that there wasn't one person able to tell the man where his children were. Also agree about people pretending they are in the armed forces, sadly heard a few stories where someone has been duped!

Stratocumulus · 11/04/2023 21:09

I would have thought that the Army Welfare section might have been helpful to him & got him home on compassionate leave to sort out his domestic circumstances? Somebody, somewhere, knows where his children are.
It does sound a bit strange OP so as others have advised, be careful, very very careful of this one. He might build up your trust for months and then suddenly he’ll need money from you or something else you’d loath to refuse.
I do hope it works out though. I really do.

MissConductUS · 11/04/2023 21:14

AgrathaChristie · 11/04/2023 20:57

My DH was ex army, long before I met him but from what he said there was quite a lot of wives/ girlfriends leaving, The constant moving and losing friendships ,husbands away in often dangerous places, upheaval to children’s friendships and schooling I think were the main reasons.

I would add that a friend of mine was scammed by a man she “met” OLD, claimed to be in the army, deployed somewhere dangerous. She got so enmeshed even before she’d met up with him, crying that he could be killed any minute, she’d give anything to see him and make sure he was safe 🙄 He strung her along for months. It was total bullshit, all of it.
please tread very carefully.

It's so bad that the US Army has a webpage about it.

Online Romance Scam Information

The scammer will plead that he needs money to pay for all sorts of things that the Army pays for, like transportation home, leave time, etc.

Online romance scams

Information regarding online romance scams

https://www.cid.army.mil/romancescam.html

Ooolaaaala · 11/04/2023 21:19

ToBeOrNotToBee · 11/04/2023 20:06

I haven't pried too much as I could tell he was quite emotional, apparently he didn't even know she had gone. A friend in their town noticed the house looking empty and told him whilst he was on deployment. He had to wait until he came back months later.

He said he has no idea where the kids are, and losing them sent him into depression where he very nearly lost himself (this i believe because he mentioned this in our first few messages).

His belief is that she met another man.

During our talk, he never bad mouthed her, or called her crazy which would be an immediate wtf for me.

I just feel there's something that obviously happened between the two, I'd like to know what.

I guess I'll just have to ask him.

Show quote history

*I haven't pried too much as I could tell he was quite emotional, apparently he didn't even know she had gone. A friend in their town noticed the house looking empty and told him whilst he was on deployment. He had to wait until he came back months later.

He said he has no idea where the kids are, and losing them sent him into depression*

This is such a crock of shit.

Why hasn’t he filed a missing persons / child abduction report to the police?

Was he not in contact with his DCs by phone / text / email whilst deployed?

This is drivel.

Ruuuuuuunnnnn

LividHouse · 11/04/2023 21:22

Can you imagine not seeing your children for three years and just accepting that??????

Fuck no.

Don’t go any further with this one.

Greenfree · 11/04/2023 21:30

The police would find his children if his ex took them and just disappeared as it's child abduction. The only time they wouldn't is if it wasn't safe for them to be found

Aquamarine1029 · 11/04/2023 21:36

It's alarming you plan to even speak to him again.

newwings · 11/04/2023 21:36

Ex army wife here, soldiers are extremely loving and attentive but they can be very very hard work. Frankly being an army wife isn't that glamorous once you get past the uniform and pomp even moving about abroad. They are often very intense people especially the older ones. They can be very rigid and strict with kids and rules and standards. They require lots of attention and don't seem to have close attachments to friends or family, so in my experience you are glued to each other and I felt smothered. However as you don't have kids together the dynamics could be fine. They can have mood swings, but won't acknowledge mental health issues as it's a "weakness". I am making sweeping generalisations but I'm going off my 10 years experience and also many family members who are ex forces and mostly separated now. Take it slow please.

Liorae · 11/04/2023 21:41

It is probably bullshit. However, sad to say I've known a couple of women who decided daddy was disposable when they met a new man.
How does he pay child support if he doesn't know where they live though?

newwings · 11/04/2023 21:48

Just to add yes loads pretend to be military as it gives them a handy bull crap cover for any lie or fantasy they want to tell, some are plain mean and play games and tricks for shits and giggles to out do their pals, I knew of one girl who literally handed her house back, notified her kids school of his departure. Turned up at the alter and was stood up!! She did contact his superiors as money had been given to him too, I hope she got her money back. Who does that to someone?!

katieg03 · 11/04/2023 21:59

Odd that they divorced prior to her running away from the house? Don't think all this adds up. Wise to do a claires law though.

AnyMucca · 11/04/2023 22:03

If he's paying maintenance, can't he trace where they are?

tailinthejam · 11/04/2023 22:14

How does he pay child support if he doesn't know where they live though?

You can pay money into someone's bank account without knowing their address.

SpringIntoChaos · 11/04/2023 22:17

OP...retune your Bullshit Detector! This is such a crock of shit...red flags all over the place with this one!!