Advice on dating this man

[ToBeOrNotToBee]

I'm 33, single for 2 years, no kids. Have been OLD for a few months, just wanted casual then decided that I was ready for someolthing a bit more.

Then shortly after matched with 'David' (not his real name). We've been speaking for a while and finally met. He's genuinely lovely. Makes me smile and laugh a plenty. Got butterflies. Helps that he's very handsome. Polite. Respectful. Seems like a genuine all round good guy.
He's 35, in the army and seems to be a good egg. I'd like to see him again, the feeling is apparently mutual.

During a talk after we met, he said he had something to tell me. He said that he is a dad to 2, kids aged 13 and 5 with an ex he divorced a few years back. I'm OK with him having kids and an ex wife, perfectly fine for people to have past loves, I do too.

Now here's where I'm concerned. He said when he was deployed, she just up and left, taking the kids with her. He hasn't seen her and the kids since before he went, 3 years ago. They were divorced a few months before he went. He said he pays child maintenance etc and all.

Now, I don't know her, I don't know him (really), only 2 people ever truly know what happens in a marriage but would a woman really up and leave, go fully NC unless there was a really good reason.

I have a very good bullshit detector, can usually spy a walking red flag from 10 miles away, and nothing about this man is screaming walk away. But I can't help but wonder why she left.

If things progress I'm going to do a Claires Law request in case of DV just in case, is there anything else you ladies can think of?

How can you have such low standards? A man who doesn't see his children (by his own choice because you must be seriously of low intelligence to believe he couldn't have found them) is a rubbish man, end of. I despair of women like you.

Shit isn't it! Literally gave up everything to live in a dead town with Tesco as my big day out

He was with her for at least 13 years & mrrued & two kids together, but he couldn't go to any of her family members and ask them where she'd taken his kids??

So her whole family is an absolute pack of bastards who'd see kids taken away and hidden from their Dad with no good reason and not help him or intercede?!

Hmm.

Likewise, in the unlikely scenario above, a poster has outlined the process through which he could gain court ordered access. You'd imagine he'd have managed to at least start that process within three years.

This doesn't add up at all.

As someone said, it can be hard to grasp the feeling before you have kids, but when you do - if you're a normal, remotely decent parent, you gave a visceral need to see them.

He's either an unbelievably shit parent (and if you were to ever have kids by him, he'll be the same) or he's been stopped from seeing them for good reasons.

The depression thing is a related line too.

They know they can't look happy/chilled that they never see their kids to a woman they're trying to schmooze; so they always say they're down about it, depressed etc, it's so hard on them (ah, their noble, masculine suffering!).

He'd have court ordered access long before now - and no doubt the army has family/welfare/legal staff he could have used for advice - if he tried (and if he wasn't denied access).

Look… the biggest red flag is that this kind of stuff came up very early on during messaging.

You’re saying he didn’t ‘badmouth’ his ex. He might not have called her crazy or whatever, but he spun you a story about this awful woman who disappeared with his kids while he was off being a hero (but still takes his money). Telling you how awfully the ex treated them is ‘badmouthing’.

Be wary of any man painting himself as a victim like this.

Also in general;
A lot of men in the army are players - particularly easy when you move around, when, you sometimes live in barracks while your wife & family lives elsewhere, when the culture is rather cavalier about cheating, when women like a man in uniform who seems active, masculine, heroic etc.

That's x 100 if they're good looking.

Many of the attached men are cheaters and many of the single (sometimes rather fuzzy if they actually are) are players.

This is a good point - the very scenario he's painted is actually the ultimate bad mouthing of his ex.

And it's unlikely it's true/the full story.

Op, he's looking for a woman who's stupid enough not to question how he hasn't established contact with his kids through the authorities (which is a strange scenario in the first place) within 3 years.

He's looking for a woman stupid enough to swallow this story.

You are thankfully not it.

If he's even after more than a few fling, he's a risk for any kind of serious relationship and especially for anything with kids involved.

For an update...

I've decided not to continue things with 'David'. Not for any particular reason, mostly because I can't tolerate the distance between my home and where he's currently posted.

I'd like to clear something up for the many on here thinking him mentioning depression was part of him grooming me into a sob story. It wasn't. It was actually me who raised Mental Health initially in our conversation as he wanted to meet on a weekend when my father was being cremated, and I decided to open up a little and admit I was struggling. He was actually being incredibly supportive and even suggested where I could speak to someone.

Christ, the way some of you were jumping to conclusions, and one in particular wondering what kind of childhood trauma had happened for me to be so gullible. Absolutely despicable. Have a word with yourselves.

Unfortunately on MN you will always get some responses where people post unpleasant or abusive things that are not really related to your situation but purely to fit their own narrative. One post above was particularly disgraceful. Good luck in making the best decision and hoping that you got something productive from this thread.

If he can sort a divorce, he can sort contact.