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Original poster

Advice on dating this man

87 replies

ToBeOrNotToBee · 11/04/2023 19:48

I'm 33, single for 2 years, no kids. Have been OLD for a few months, just wanted casual then decided that I was ready for someolthing a bit more.

Then shortly after matched with 'David' (not his real name). We've been speaking for a while and finally met. He's genuinely lovely. Makes me smile and laugh a plenty. Got butterflies. Helps that he's very handsome. Polite. Respectful. Seems like a genuine all round good guy.
He's 35, in the army and seems to be a good egg. I'd like to see him again, the feeling is apparently mutual.

During a talk after we met, he said he had something to tell me. He said that he is a dad to 2, kids aged 13 and 5 with an ex he divorced a few years back. I'm OK with him having kids and an ex wife, perfectly fine for people to have past loves, I do too.

Now here's where I'm concerned. He said when he was deployed, she just up and left, taking the kids with her. He hasn't seen her and the kids since before he went, 3 years ago. They were divorced a few months before he went. He said he pays child maintenance etc and all.

Now, I don't know her, I don't know him (really), only 2 people ever truly know what happens in a marriage but would a woman really up and leave, go fully NC unless there was a really good reason.

I have a very good bullshit detector, can usually spy a walking red flag from 10 miles away, and nothing about this man is screaming walk away. But I can't help but wonder why she left.

If things progress I'm going to do a Claires Law request in case of DV just in case, is there anything else you ladies can think of?

OP posts:
CheekyHobson · 13/04/2023 06:51

If my ex had up and left and suddenly for no reason refused to let me know where my kids were or give me contact, I would not fucking rest until I had exhausted every possible legal avenue to find them and gain court-ordered contact (and failing that, I would probably explore illegal avenues too).

You said you don't have kids, OP, so maybe you don't recognise how utterly visceral your love for them would be.

The only reasons I can imagine for not pursuing contact with your kids to the ends of the earth would be that you just don't care about them that much or you know you don't deserve contact.

Neither would be a quality I would accept in a partner.

perfectcolourfound · 13/04/2023 07:26

Yeah I agree he's a poor father, and it sounds like he was a poor husband too.

At the very least he should be spending all his spare moments tracking down his children. He doesn't care enough.

VillefrancheSurMere · 13/04/2023 07:39

A squaddie would be instant turn off for me but that's personal preference. I'd be thinking ahead to the lifestyle which as others have said is tough.

Not desperately trying to find his kids sounds odd. I wondered about a restraining order.

Ooolaaaala · 13/04/2023 08:29

ToBeOrNotToBee · 12/04/2023 07:58

I'm not sure why some many posters think he's lying about the military.

For christ sake I'm not stupid, the man facetimed me from his quarters the 1st time we spoke on the phone. I live in a military town, I know a squaddie when I see one.

Someone hit the nail on the head earlier, either he's done something shit or he's a shit dad.

I'm not going to write him off just yet, but I am going to do a bit more digging and take things slowly.

*Someone hit the nail on the head earlier, either he's done something shit or he's a shit dad.

I'm not going to write him off just yet, but I am going to do a bit more digging and take things slowly.*

It’s really very sad and concerning that you can conclude that someone has either done something shit or is a shit dad and that this is good enough for you.

What happened in your childhood that made this an acceptable character trait?

pictoosh · 13/04/2023 08:41

My bullshit klaxon would be going off here too.

She just disappeared into the ether and he's never seen his kids since, even though he pays child support.
No. That's possible sure but let's be frank, it is extremely unlikely. He is lying.

HidingFromDD · 13/04/2023 08:43

I actually know three men (not romantically) who lost contact with kids for up to 4 years. In each case there was a period of depression while they tried to reestablish contact, and in each case they now have regular contact. In two cases kids moved in with them as teenagers. To balance this I know twice as many shit dads who miss contact and ignore kids, but just wanted to say it can happen. It’s a red flag though so keep alert

Ooolaaaala · 13/04/2023 08:46

HidingFromDD · 13/04/2023 08:43

I actually know three men (not romantically) who lost contact with kids for up to 4 years. In each case there was a period of depression while they tried to reestablish contact, and in each case they now have regular contact. In two cases kids moved in with them as teenagers. To balance this I know twice as many shit dads who miss contact and ignore kids, but just wanted to say it can happen. It’s a red flag though so keep alert

How did they ‘lose contact’ though? Did they not know where they were? Did they disappear off the face of the planet? Or did they know where they were but contact was blocked. Two very different situations and the former is what the OP is saying happened.

Aquamarine1029 · 13/04/2023 08:54

He has no idea where his children are but he still pays child support? Come on, now. The biggest fucking red flag in the history of red flags and you're still going to continue to see him. The mind boggles.

curtaintwitcher23 · 13/04/2023 09:22

I agree with pp it's sad that despite acknowledging he must have done something shit or be a shit Dad you are still willing to give him a chance.

Based on kids ages I'm guessing he was married for at least 12 years, does he not have contact with a single member of his ex's family or friends?

It just can't be true but if it was sadly even then aside from the Dad bit he would be seriously messed up with massive trust issues and probably have developed a bit of a bad attitude about women.

The longer you stay the more invested you get, you are playing with fire here.

savethatkitty · 13/04/2023 09:28

As a long suffering Army wife myself, it's actually very common. They get sick of their men being away on exercise/deployed overseas/at the army's beck & call all the time. You are very much a single parent as a military wife & alot of wives have enough of it after awhile.

RestingMurderousFace · 13/04/2023 09:28

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

MrsMullerBecameABaby · 13/04/2023 09:31

Aaaaandbreathe · 11/04/2023 19:55

I don't have any other suggestions but just wanted to say you sound like you have your head screwed on...but the not seeing his kids is a massive red flag to me even if nothing is screaming at you right now to leave.

What reasons has he given for it? What has he done to remain in contact (court?) Sometimes one parent will maliciously stop contact, but in those circumstances the other parent will move hell and earth to get a contact order in place if they genuinely loved their children.

This.

I was seeing a man with a toddler from a previous relationship when I was 21. I had no particular interest in his child or having children of my own back then. Six months into the relationship I went to study abroad for 3 months and he turned up a week in telling me he'd "burnt his bridges" regarding contact with his child because his ex wouldn't let him see the child again now he'd left. I just went completely cold and he became immediately completely unattractive. Although I'd never given absent parents any thought before that it just put me off him utterly, instinctively.

There's something deeply wrong with a person who doesn't fight with everything they have to stay in contact with their own minor age children.

PollyAmour · 13/04/2023 09:34

Is he really in the military?

Mangooo · 13/04/2023 09:45

savethatkitty · 13/04/2023 09:28

As a long suffering Army wife myself, it's actually very common. They get sick of their men being away on exercise/deployed overseas/at the army's beck & call all the time. You are very much a single parent as a military wife & alot of wives have enough of it after awhile.

Yeah but we're not talking about just your average divorce here we're talking she took the kids and he hasn't seen them. That's not normal marriage breakdown. That's something a mother would do when there are serious issues.

pictoosh · 13/04/2023 10:00

Mangooo · 13/04/2023 09:45

Yeah but we're not talking about just your average divorce here we're talking she took the kids and he hasn't seen them. That's not normal marriage breakdown. That's something a mother would do when there are serious issues.

Show quote history

I agree. I can well imagine military wives having their fill of the army life but this is something different.
Two obvious scenarios come to mind. She has cleared off never to be seen for a good reason OR he hasn't bothered his arse to keep up with his kids after the split.
Neither might apply of course but experience tells me that one or the other is by far the most likely. Neither are good.

Dig.

Ooolaaaala · 13/04/2023 10:26

pictoosh · 13/04/2023 10:00

I agree. I can well imagine military wives having their fill of the army life but this is something different.
Two obvious scenarios come to mind. She has cleared off never to be seen for a good reason OR he hasn't bothered his arse to keep up with his kids after the split.
Neither might apply of course but experience tells me that one or the other is by far the most likely. Neither are good.

Dig.

Show quote history

Or a third - there is a non mol order in place

Pinkbonbon · 13/04/2023 10:40

Surely mentioning depression 'in his first few messages' is a big red flag too op. Didn't you catch that one?

I mean, it's a red flag to mention it early on
And its a red flag that he recently went through it...all be it for fair enough reasons I suppose. But still, would be far too much baggage for me.

Sounds like a set up for him treating you like shit and you having to excuse it because 'it's his depression, he didn't mean it'

Also, sorry but, being in the army is also potentially a red flag imo. Some of them are lovely blokes (maybe with hero complexes xD) but they still joined a job that may one day involve killing people and either didn't think about that for some reason...or did, and don't care (or worse ' it's why they joined). Too big if a risk imo.

Also...if my partner fucked off to some wartorn country, I'd maybe leave him too. I'd think 'he doesn't love me or the kids or he would never put us through this. Worrying every night if he is alive it dead. It's no life for me or the children'.

But yeah...it does seem odd she stopped all contact with his kids. Even now he is back. That may imply she feels he is dangerous.

B0g · 13/04/2023 10:50

The absolute bare minimum this man should be doing, obviously, is spending his every waking moment striving to locate his kids and be a parent. The fact that he hasn’t bothered and is out spinning bullshit tales to find a new sex partner is viscerally disgusting. You shouldn’t date until your standards, self esteem, and red flag detector are all functioning, there’s no need to give deadbeats a chance.

pinkyredrose · 13/04/2023 11:25

Why did they divorce? Had she already moved out of married quarters at the time of her disappearance? Why didn't he call the police?

You definitely don't know the whole story. How hard has he tried to find them? If you have their names you could check out social media.

pictoosh · 13/04/2023 13:46

Ooolaaaala · 13/04/2023 10:26

Or a third - there is a non mol order in place

Show quote history

Well yes, that would fall under scenario 1 for me. But aye...that sort of an idea. You don't just accept a man doesn't see his kids unless you're desperate. If you're discerning you want to know exactly why.

StrongerThanYouTh1nk · 13/04/2023 20:08

I think you are right to be concerned. I'd also think about what is important for you in a relationship. I don't think guys in the army are good long term relationship material.

blackbeardsballsack · 13/04/2023 20:47

It really is as easy as him just making a court application when she 'disappeared with the kids' or reporting her and the kids missing. Contact would have been re-established within a couple of weeks as a result of a court application. The court would have got her address through CMS or a DWP search.

So he's talking shit about not being able to find them, see them, and being depressed about it. He's talking shit about his ex doing a flirt for no reason too. I cannot believe you're 'not writing him off yet' - remember this when he's made your life a misery in the near future. You have all of the information that you need to make a reasonable choice, and you're not using it.

blackbeardsballsack · 13/04/2023 20:48

*flit

ChrisTrepidation · 14/04/2023 08:25

Everything @blackbeardsballsack said.

The very fact that he mentioned his depression almost as soon as you met him should have been enough to have you running for the hills. He was setting up his life story as the poor depressed abandoned father for you from the off!

Throw his back. There's plenty of men our there. What's so special about this one that you would want to get involved in this shit show?

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 14/04/2023 10:39

Everything about this should be screaming walk away

Do yourself a favour OP

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