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Original poster

Advice on dating this man

87 replies

ToBeOrNotToBee · 11/04/2023 19:48

I'm 33, single for 2 years, no kids. Have been OLD for a few months, just wanted casual then decided that I was ready for someolthing a bit more.

Then shortly after matched with 'David' (not his real name). We've been speaking for a while and finally met. He's genuinely lovely. Makes me smile and laugh a plenty. Got butterflies. Helps that he's very handsome. Polite. Respectful. Seems like a genuine all round good guy.
He's 35, in the army and seems to be a good egg. I'd like to see him again, the feeling is apparently mutual.

During a talk after we met, he said he had something to tell me. He said that he is a dad to 2, kids aged 13 and 5 with an ex he divorced a few years back. I'm OK with him having kids and an ex wife, perfectly fine for people to have past loves, I do too.

Now here's where I'm concerned. He said when he was deployed, she just up and left, taking the kids with her. He hasn't seen her and the kids since before he went, 3 years ago. They were divorced a few months before he went. He said he pays child maintenance etc and all.

Now, I don't know her, I don't know him (really), only 2 people ever truly know what happens in a marriage but would a woman really up and leave, go fully NC unless there was a really good reason.

I have a very good bullshit detector, can usually spy a walking red flag from 10 miles away, and nothing about this man is screaming walk away. But I can't help but wonder why she left.

If things progress I'm going to do a Claires Law request in case of DV just in case, is there anything else you ladies can think of?

OP posts:
Smokingonthestairs · 11/04/2023 22:19

Isn’t this a fairly well known dating scam?

Axahooxa · 11/04/2023 22:21

Don’t risk it.

Lampan · 11/04/2023 22:22

Assuming what he told you is true (which you have no way of knowing), a man who doesn’t see his kids is a huge red flag. I don’t want kids, however I’ve run for the hills in the past when a man was trying to justify to me why he doesn’t see his kids.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 11/04/2023 23:14

Im afraid to say this would niggle at me too

i had an ex with this and i grew frustrated that he didn’t seek legal action and it really troubled me
Jesus there is NO WAY that I’d like my ex take my kids away . Just no

so it’s a worrying as could mean he’s a shit dad , or he was abusive ?

HappyValerie · 11/04/2023 23:28

Ask him his service number. Any hesitation & he’s a liar.

MyStarBoy · 11/04/2023 23:29

Very possible she did a moonlight flit and wanted to erase him from her and their DCs lives out of spite.

I have known this to happen - no abuse involved, but there was an another man, whom she later married.

BUT why hasn't he seen his kids or tried to see/find his kids by now. That's the highly unusual bit.

I would not write him off yet, but I would be very wary.

Sailingaround · 11/04/2023 23:34

So I suppose he’s now devoted his life to finding his children? Because surely a caring father wouldn’t just carry on as normal!

I’m guessing not so - run for your life! Whatever this is, it’s chaos.

This is why I as a child free woman do not date men with ex wives and children.

QueenCamilla · 11/04/2023 23:52

I went on a couple of dates with a tall, handsome ex-army man who had a hostile ex, thousands spent on Court fees to try and get to see his children, the ex-wife was abroad... But at some point he just started to sound a tad grandiose and... I decided to do some digging.
Many hours of sleuthing later:

He had never had children
He had never been married
He was from a very wealthy family but thoroughly alienated
He had at least two bankruptcies behind him overseas and many more dissolved companies locally
He lived in a rented room or house share in a very down-market town, not the posh one he kept mentioning
He seemed to be a privileged man - turned - failure and a grifter/scammer of some sort.

I'm still not sure what his Scam would have been and how inventing children & Ex would benefit the story 🤷
I refused the next date.

Identifyingasadolphin · 11/04/2023 23:54

Miliary wives do frequently leave their original hometowns with wider family support to live in military married quarters, often in remote locations.
It’s problematic then when husbands then get deployed/detached out of area and often young wives are left isolated without friends, support and no family nearby. It’s common in these situations for wives to move back to be closer to family support.

If he is divorced, he will not be living in a married quarter, rather back in single accommodation. So ask about his living arrangements, his regiment, along with a list of his postings and deployments…

Theseboobsweremadeforwalking · 11/04/2023 23:57

Best case scenario is that he can't be arsed to find his kids...

Original poster
ToBeOrNotToBee · 12/04/2023 07:58

I'm not sure why some many posters think he's lying about the military.

For christ sake I'm not stupid, the man facetimed me from his quarters the 1st time we spoke on the phone. I live in a military town, I know a squaddie when I see one.

Someone hit the nail on the head earlier, either he's done something shit or he's a shit dad.

I'm not going to write him off just yet, but I am going to do a bit more digging and take things slowly.

OP posts:
Ooolaaaala · 12/04/2023 08:01

Surely something shit or being a shit dad just means you are a shit person?

He’s also a liar - on what planet does a man not know where his DCs are?

Hop27 · 12/04/2023 09:45

Are you sure he's not still married OP?

Ooolaaaala · 12/04/2023 09:57

Maybe you should report his xwife and DCs as missing persons to the police - they may have been the victims of a serial killer, or are locked in a basement, or have been abducted by aliens - it’s absolutely shocking that a woman and two children can disappear just like that off the face of the earth!!

TomHanksIsFuckingAmazing · 12/04/2023 10:09

I'd want iron clad proof that's he's actually a soldier.

I have a friend who is an ex paratrooper and is now training for his pilot's license. I told him I feel sorry for him if he ever joins online dating - nobody with half a brain will believe him! 🤣

Naunet · 12/04/2023 10:35

He hasn’t bothered to find his kids in 3 YEARS?!! He’s an absolutely terrible father at a minimum.

Original poster
ToBeOrNotToBee · 12/04/2023 10:36

TomHanksIsFuckingAmazing · 12/04/2023 10:09

I'd want iron clad proof that's he's actually a soldier.

I have a friend who is an ex paratrooper and is now training for his pilot's license. I told him I feel sorry for him if he ever joins online dating - nobody with half a brain will believe him! 🤣

I can imagine this.

Instant nope, poor bloke will get no matches.

OP posts:
Pseudonamed · 12/04/2023 10:48

I highly doubt he is paying child support if he has not seen the kids. I mean surely you would want to know where the money is going or something?

Can you do a claires law on just anyone? Im in Ireland so we can't either way but if you can do it then I would.

Naunet · 12/04/2023 10:49

Maybe he’s not allowed to see the kids, that’s the other possibility

Opentooffers · 12/04/2023 11:19

I'd stop at being in the army, instant ick for me - true or not. Not seen his DC's for 3 years causing depression - doubtful someone who felt that sad about their loss wouldn't of tried and succeeded to find them, unless there is a restraining order on them, bingo!
It leaves 2 options of either restraining order, or total BS. Neither of which make him BF material.
If you would like DC's yourself in future, especially run.

GatoradeMeBitch · 12/04/2023 12:59

I would bail if I were you. He's given you the sob story of "my children were taken from me" but if he is paying maintenance they haven't disappeared from the face of the earth.

If you're interested, ask him what he has done to find them, ask what his lawyer's advice was, did he contact the police. If they were divorced and civil why would she need to run away just because she met another man?

burnoutbabe · 12/04/2023 13:05

I know maintenance does not mean access but surely one would stop payments to force mum out of hiding to get some details to start negotiating access?

Mangooo · 12/04/2023 22:25

I think your BS detector needs battery replacement or a polish as it's seriously off. Of course it's a massive red flag!!! You probably just fancy him too much to see.

JenniferBooth · 12/04/2023 22:34

@burnoutbabe To quote another Mner from years ago Its not pay per view

burnoutbabe · 12/04/2023 22:41

JenniferBooth · 12/04/2023 22:34

@burnoutbabe To quote another Mner from years ago Its not pay per view

Well no. But if my ex and kids had disappeared and I really had no way of context or tracking them down I'd try and do something to get a response. (And save the cash to pass over when re-established)

I mean they could be dead! (Though I don't believe it's not possible to get some details via family or friends and I'd assume if no details were being shared with the poster's potential boyfriend it's as he is some sort of danger)

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