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Original poster

Save me from Death by OLD

60 replies

almostmatched · 11/04/2023 12:35

For context, I'm in my late 30s, black female, good natured, educated, professional, tall, present properly, active, fit and healthy, self aware, kind and not unattractive by any measure.
I date anyone that's kind to me and with whom there's attraction and shared values regardless of race and age difference within reason- so I'm open.

I've been trying online dating for years but no joy. I've paid premiums on tinder, hinge and bumble but those didn't make a difference to my prospects.

Sometime ago, a match on bumble told me that black women are at the bottom of the preference list and that's just what the statistics are so he never was sure whether his black matches liked him or whether they would just go for anyone who cares to give them the time of the day. He never heard from me again.
But shame as I actually do think I'm a catch and someone would be lucky to have me eventually (haha).

Anyway, I've been on a mental break from OLD but would like to return as I'm not just going to give up on my desire to have a partner.
I'm thinking of paying for match.com. Does anyone know if this app is any better? Are there any other apps I should look into? Also, what can I do to increase my prospects in OLD? I've taken a few nicer photos, for example. Any strategies on how to do OLD successfully?

Please give me OLD advice. I do real life activities but haven't met anyone through those channels e.g., book club, running club, debate club, volunteering etc.
Thanks

OP posts:
Minikievs · 11/04/2023 13:05

I have tried the payment sites (well, one. I tried match) as I thought I might get a better selection 🙄😂
It was awful. The same men are on the free sites as well as the payment ones. And the thing I hated about match was that ANYONE could message me, so I was inundated by messages from awful men that I wouldn't look twice at.
At least with tinder/bumble they couldn't message unless I'd matched with them.
Ultimately, it's just a numbers game, and unless you're very very lucky (one friend married her very first ever OLD, she was his first ever OLD too) it just takes time, patience, and a never say die attitude!

Beeebeee · 11/04/2023 14:33

Minikievs · 11/04/2023 13:05

I have tried the payment sites (well, one. I tried match) as I thought I might get a better selection 🙄😂
It was awful. The same men are on the free sites as well as the payment ones. And the thing I hated about match was that ANYONE could message me, so I was inundated by messages from awful men that I wouldn't look twice at.
At least with tinder/bumble they couldn't message unless I'd matched with them.
Ultimately, it's just a numbers game, and unless you're very very lucky (one friend married her very first ever OLD, she was his first ever OLD too) it just takes time, patience, and a never say die attitude!

Thank you for your response @Minikievs
Useful insight. Maybe I won't bother after all. I'll just do the free subscriptions till luck strikes :)

Henbags · 11/04/2023 14:53

I met my fiancé and father of my child almost 5 years ago to the day on Plenty of Fish. It used to be free back then, I think you have to pay now if you want to send more than one message but I could be wrong.

I had been on and off OLD for a number of years and yes there are a few odd bods, but it was worth it in the end for me.

Summerhillsquare · 11/04/2023 15:02

I've never been convinced that paid for versions are better than free. Remember there are far more men than women on them. It's a numbers game.

Watchkeys · 11/04/2023 15:33

I date anyone that's kind to me and with whom there's attraction and shared values

Drop this. Only date people who blow your socks off. You'll have fewer dates but they'll be infinitely better and more worthwhile. Dismiss all others without a second thought, and save yourself a bunch of heartache. Do you really want to be with someone because when you first encountered him he was 'nice' to you?

Original poster
almostmatched · 11/04/2023 15:35

Henbags · 11/04/2023 14:53

I met my fiancé and father of my child almost 5 years ago to the day on Plenty of Fish. It used to be free back then, I think you have to pay now if you want to send more than one message but I could be wrong.

I had been on and off OLD for a number of years and yes there are a few odd bods, but it was worth it in the end for me.

Lucky you.
Your story's encouraged me to keep trying and hoping. ☺️

OP posts:
Newyearnewhome · 11/04/2023 15:43

@Watchkeys agree with your point.

Have gone on repeated dates with perfectly nice guys, hoping there might eventually be a spark. But it never happens. Usually I’ve suspected I won’t fancy them from the profile.

on the other hand, I think it’s very difficult to tell if someone is attractive ( to you) from their online profile. I think it takes a meeting.

so maybe best strategy is to have first date quickly before making a decision?

sorry that’s more of a musing than any advice!

ThisIsaNiceDress · 11/04/2023 15:44

I’ve been actively avoiding using the site I paid a lot of money for a few months ago as it’s been so bloody dreadful… until one day it wasn’t. Just saying…

Ifailed · 11/04/2023 15:47

This is a rather insensitive title, you do know that some women have been killed after meeting people via OLD?

AbsoIutelyLovely · 11/04/2023 15:49

Ifailed · 11/04/2023 15:47

This is a rather insensitive title, you do know that some women have been killed after meeting people via OLD?

🙄

QueenAstrid · 11/04/2023 15:50

I agree with others that OLD is a numbers game. I had the most success with Bumble and Facebook Dating, and liked with Bumble that men couldn’t message me until I’d messaged them first.
I found Match to be a waste of money as I was forking out to receive messages from all sorts of random weirdos from all over the country.
My advice would be to be strict on the criteria you want in a man, eg minimum education level, good grammar, location, no dead fish pics etc and only arrange dates with those that tick your boxes.
I’ve done it for 3 years (with the occasional break when it all got a bit much) and met some really decent blokes. I met my current bf on Bumble, we’ve been together nearly a year now and I’m really happy so I think it’s worth persevering. Good luck OP!

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 11/04/2023 15:51

Tried Match.com a few years ago. Not impressed. And it had a weird way of implying people who were interested in you, when they weren't, to generate traffic. I can't remember the finer points of it now, but it was quite manipulative and annoying as a 'feature'.

QueenAstrid · 11/04/2023 15:51

Ifailed · 11/04/2023 15:47

This is a rather insensitive title, you do know that some women have been killed after meeting people via OLD?

Ffs 🤣

AbsoIutelyLovely · 11/04/2023 15:51

OP, it’s a numbers game, you sound fabulous, I find it really awful that that fella said that to you.

Agree with everybody about only dating people you really want to. It only takes one!

I met my husband through Match.

Watchkeys · 11/04/2023 15:52

Ifailed · 11/04/2023 15:47

This is a rather insensitive title, you do know that some women have been killed after meeting people via OLD?

I suspect that the vast majority of people will understand the humour in the phrase.

AbsoIutelyLovely · 11/04/2023 15:52

PS I was really strict.
Needed postgraduate degree et etc. I wasn’t willing to waste even a date in just anybody. Do that.

ThisIsaNiceDress · 11/04/2023 15:57

Ifailed · 11/04/2023 15:47

This is a rather insensitive title, you do know that some women have been killed after meeting people via OLD?

Oh please…

Godwindar · 11/04/2023 15:57

I'd join a couple of free sites. Set up your profile as best you can - there are some stats around what sort of photos are best (selfies aren't popular) and also that funny bios are better (I think). Send out a few likes a day if you can as it really is a numbers game. And if you match and the messaging is good, try and set up the date and meet within the week to ensure you don't get too invested before you have met, to check there is chemistry and to make sure you only meet people who at least want to go on a date. I definitely found there were busier times. Lots of people go on, on a Saturday morning to start setting up connections that they could build on during the week and then hopefully get the dates for the following end of week/weekend.

Ofcourseshecan · 11/04/2023 16:05

OP, I married before OLD existed so can only wish you luck, not offer advice. But this may be helpful, a long-running thread on the subject :
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4773501-dating-thread-240-early-summer-lovin

Lots of people sharing experiences and offering support to each other. I hope it works out for you.

Dating Thread 240 - Early Summer Lovin | Mumsnet

Mumsnet makes parents' lives easier by pooling knowledge, advice and support on everything from conception to childbirth, from babies to teenagers.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4773501-dating-thread-240-early-summer-lovin

Opentooffers · 11/04/2023 16:17

Lol just joined a paid for site and it's worse than the free ones so far as I can tell, so won't be wasting my money again.
Perhaps Elite might be one for you to consider as a successful professional.

YaWeeFurryBastard · 11/04/2023 16:26

First of all I’m sorry that absolute prick said that to you! I’d bet my bottom dollar it’s not true whatsoever. Some men are just absolute wankers and like to put women down, if it wasn’t that it would be something else I’m sure.

I met my DH on bumble, which IME seemed to have the highest calibre of men. I don’t think the paid sites help at all really, it’s all the same men on them!

ohyouknowwhatshername · 11/04/2023 16:27

I met my DH on Match.com about 12 years ago. We are very happy. I was on OLD for about 2 years before I met him though, and I did meet some weird ones (and one who turned out to be married 😣) I was determined not to give up, and it paid off in the end. Good luck OP.

beAsensible1 · 11/04/2023 16:36

the men on match are dire :(

It can also depend on area e.g much better matches when in the city for work rather than at home in the burbs etc

Also have you tried the friend of a friend network? Going out a little bit more? Biting the bullet and introducing yourself rather than waiting to be spoken to etc.

its spring perfect time to be outside and give it a proper go. you can even use OLD at these to see if it catches people at the events

Henbags · 11/04/2023 19:10

almostmatched · 11/04/2023 15:35

Lucky you.
Your story's encouraged me to keep trying and hoping. ☺️

Show quote history

Glad to hear it 😊

RocketIceLollie · 11/04/2023 19:22

Don't go for the top tier guys. They are the players. Lower your tickbox requirements. You're never gonna meet the perfect guy anyway let's be honest.