Save me from Death by OLD

[almostmatched]

For context, I'm in my late 30s, black female, good natured, educated, professional, tall, present properly, active, fit and healthy, self aware, kind and not unattractive by any measure.
I date anyone that's kind to me and with whom there's attraction and shared values regardless of race and age difference within reason- so I'm open.

I've been trying online dating for years but no joy. I've paid premiums on tinder, hinge and bumble but those didn't make a difference to my prospects.

Sometime ago, a match on bumble told me that black women are at the bottom of the preference list and that's just what the statistics are so he never was sure whether his black matches liked him or whether they would just go for anyone who cares to give them the time of the day. He never heard from me again.
But shame as I actually do think I'm a catch and someone would be lucky to have me eventually (haha).

Anyway, I've been on a mental break from OLD but would like to return as I'm not just going to give up on my desire to have a partner.
I'm thinking of paying for match.com. Does anyone know if this app is any better? Are there any other apps I should look into? Also, what can I do to increase my prospects in OLD? I've taken a few nicer photos, for example. Any strategies on how to do OLD successfully?

Please give me OLD advice. I do real life activities but haven't met anyone through those channels e.g., book club, running club, debate club, volunteering etc.
Thanks

My experience of match is that there weren’t many men on there, at least not in comparison to tinder and plenty of fish. It seems a bit sedate, I certainly wouldn’t pay for it.

That bloke you mention was trying to undermine you as a power play, that type does the same to anyone unfortunate enough to correspond with them.

That bloke you mention was trying to undermine you as a power play, that type does the same to anyone unfortunate enough to correspond with them

I agree with this. And most won’t be as blunt as this but you’ll get some men who might not have dared to approach a white woman of similar attractiveness, targeting a POC thinking women from certain demographics are going to be more desperate and treat you accordingly . anyway sorry about the casual racism you encountered.

I used match and have to say as a woman of colour I’m extremely picky when dating especially when it’s outside my race because I know there’s great potential for these kind of encounters when it comes to OLD.

I had one conventionally attractive finance professional (white English guy) ask for my whatsapp straight away and when I said no I’d prefer to chat here initially he said something about if we begin with WhatsApp he “might” invite me out for a coffee later. 😂 perhaps he was just a dick but I did wonder if he would said that to a white woman. Like he was acting as if I should be hanging on desperately for the promise of a coffee date?! I suspect he was just going to send me a dick pic.

I found a lot of Eastern European or Mediterranean men were quite serious about things though and (in my experience) on Match were respectful and seemed more open to respectfully dating a non-white woman. Key word is respectfully.

overall I didn’t find it great so I deleted my account but I was getting asked out on 1-2 dates a week by OK/decent men I matched with who were mainly from a similar educational background to me. I don’t know how tinder etc work but I do like that not just anyone can message you on Match. I’m very much a quality over quantity kind of woman!

oh and you obviously have a lot of hobbies but I’d also suggest going on solo trips abroad! You might meet men organically or you can even use on the dating apps. When I used to travel as a single solo I’d get asked out on a a date at least once in each place I visited.

my friend is similar to you btw, tall, black professional in her 30s living in London with a busy life but she gets a LOT of dates via tinder and hinge. Personally I don’t know how she has the energy for dating 3 guys over a weekend 😂 but yeah if you want more dates that might be one answer!

Is it realistic to consider "nice" and "wanting sex early" as mutually exclusive?

If indeed the proportion of "nice" men is low then the proportion of "nice" men who do not want sex early and are in your area and single will be extremely low.

One option is to consider that it is possible to be nice and want sex early. However, if your definition of nice includes not wanting sex early then you are stuck with a much smaller pool of potential dates.

then you are stuck with a much smaller pool of potential dates

This is good news if OP is looking for a long term relationship. Ideally the pool will be 1 man, who is the right man. No point going on a bunch of dates with people who aren't right for you, unless you're looking to do it for fun/a hobby.

I don't understand why people want lots to choose from. The fact is, most people aren't compatible with most people, so if there's 10 dates or 100 dates, it's unlikely that you'll get a greater number of actually viable partners. The right person stands out a mile, and widening our search to include things you don't really want just muddies the waters.

Set your search terms, say what you want and need, and prep yourself for ignoring a lot of messages. Someone will stand out eventually, and if you get fed up waiting, search elsewhere, but don't start 'being less fussy' before you've even met them. It's a protocol that won't help you in the long run. We see a lot of pots on here saying 'Is it me?' when there's a relationship problem. 'Am I controlling?', 'Do I need to change?' type posts. This is all symptomatic of the fact that many of us don't think it's ok to want what we want, need what we need, and to assert those things in our lives.

I've heard that there are still professional dating agencies where you can pay to be set up with potential matches? There must surely be such a service in a city like London? Maybe that's something that can be an option?

OP there are a couple of POC large group events that might be a good shout. Theres a skiing group that i'm planning on doing myself this year, some hiking and a camping one.

I'll have to find the names and get back to you. everyone is on the go here sometimes so it can be hard to pin people down.

there are some really good over 25 day parties this summer as well. I'd also recommend joining third space if its in budget and your friendly enough to strike up chat at the gym

You won’t meet men doing Pilates. Try bouldering https://londonclimbingcentres.co.uk/. Or just the normal gym

https://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/1999835174/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_search_asin_title?ie=UTF8&psc=1

This is a really entertaining book by a man (Ben Arogundade) who dated online for a few years in central London, his experiences are both universal (lots of crap dates, lots of good advice) and specific to him (as he's black and talks a lot about dating as a black person). He has advice on dating for black women in particular, noting how awful dating sites are. It's a fun read, but also quite sobering.

I also have a doctorate and found it seemed to put men off. I have dated both guys with a similar level of education and guys who started working straight from school. What I find matters more than the education level is values around education - if he values education, sees it as important, we'll get on. If he's a 'university of life' type, we won't.

The same applies to other factors such as social class, background etc - to me they're less important than the values.

That said, after my last few experiences, I am tending to think I'd probably find it easier with someone from a similar background to me - but they don't seem to be on OLD sites.