Save me from Death by OLD

[almostmatched]

For context, I'm in my late 30s, black female, good natured, educated, professional, tall, present properly, active, fit and healthy, self aware, kind and not unattractive by any measure.
I date anyone that's kind to me and with whom there's attraction and shared values regardless of race and age difference within reason- so I'm open.

I've been trying online dating for years but no joy. I've paid premiums on tinder, hinge and bumble but those didn't make a difference to my prospects.

Sometime ago, a match on bumble told me that black women are at the bottom of the preference list and that's just what the statistics are so he never was sure whether his black matches liked him or whether they would just go for anyone who cares to give them the time of the day. He never heard from me again.
But shame as I actually do think I'm a catch and someone would be lucky to have me eventually (haha).

Anyway, I've been on a mental break from OLD but would like to return as I'm not just going to give up on my desire to have a partner.
I'm thinking of paying for match.com. Does anyone know if this app is any better? Are there any other apps I should look into? Also, what can I do to increase my prospects in OLD? I've taken a few nicer photos, for example. Any strategies on how to do OLD successfully?

Please give me OLD advice. I do real life activities but haven't met anyone through those channels e.g., book club, running club, debate club, volunteering etc.
Thanks

Met my partner on match too within a short time of joining. I was very lucky and deem it to be serious right place right time so I'd spread myself thinner over the free sites as Mr perfect is out there somewhere, you just need to be there at the right time!

My friend meets lots of (quite respectable) men through her cycling group. They're always off to great locations and there are always meals, drinks, socialising in the evenings. She does triathlons and it always looks like a lot of fun - the socialising aspect that is.

I'd try something like that because the whole OLD thing is just the pits if you're not feeling it.

If you do carry on with it (in addition to other avenues) get some great pics. Really high definition, taken by a professional if you can - although they shouldn't look overly professional. Really show yourself off.

Thanks for the advice, although I worry that if I'm any more picky than I currently am, I won't stand a chance. My current date rate is one per quarter so things are quite slow here 😊
But jokes aside, you're right. I've been on some underwhelming dates recently and I always had that gut feeling that they weren't right for me or I just didn't feel excited from the jump.

Very helpful advice too. One of my last matches on bumble kept me chatting for hours only to stall on going on an actual date so lesson learned. Thanks!

Thanks for the advice. Very kind.

It was the death of me too!

I remember reading an article that black men are the least likely to message black women online. This was in USA. So, go for the white guys. If they're not too ugly AND BORING AND WEIRD.

God, sorry, haven't got over the years wasted yet.

I met one I thought was normal and he turned out to be a voyeur. I can laugh now.

I value myself more since I gave up. I ended up meeting a younger man at work but he drank too much so I had to end it.

I believe you that you are a catch. 🍷

I hope you meet somebody sane, solvent, decent and clean in real life 😅

This is interesting advice. I have a doctorate and I've realised that it puts men off when they find out. I've been on dates with 3 university professors and the experience wasn't different. Not really sure what men want quite frankly.

Hey OP I too am currently on all the dating sites and I can honestly say it’s just not like it once was. I don’t believe it has anything to do with your colour and anyone who insinuates it does is an AH.
i find that most men on these sites so far want to put very little effort in but get full rewards. Or when messaging they bring up sex very early on and I get the ick.
keep trying your Prince is out there good luck xx

@almostmatched , you sound lovely and I suspect it's just a matter of time before you find someone. I've heard good reports on EHarmony. I don't know if it's a free one.

Do you know what OP, I've seen this exact thing amongst several friends. It just seems there are far more educated, intelligent, prosperous women who have their shit together and are attractive than there are equivalent men. Available men seem to be just wanting sex, or are threatened by successful women or are narcissists. I mean, there must be nice, eligible men out there but the experiences I hear of from friends just mirror yours. I don't have any answers for you OP, but good luck. And if possible I think meeting people organically is less soul destroying than online - any new hobbies you could take up?

So I used to only match with men with post graduate degrees, like me.

But on tinder this sort of selection wasn't really possible, so ended up matching with a guy who had zero University education. He's worked his way up through his industry, very intelligent and we have so many shared interests and passions. Met last year, its been a wonderful 12 months since.

I'm not saying don't be picky, but perhaps work out what you need from someone, and what are maybe less important or only proxies for what you are looking for.

@Ifailed apologies you find the title offensive. It's clearly not my intention.

@AbsoIutelyLovely Thanks!

@Godwindar Very useful strategy. I could start timing my search effectively and see what difference it makes.

@Ofcourseshecan Thanks for the link.

@beAsensible1 I now live in the heart of London following years of locking down in the countryside, but I haven't met more matches. The city is overpopulated yet so lonely. The irony is I went on more dates when I lived in the burbs. I have made some really lovely friends recently whilst hiking here and there and most of them met their partners on tinder. I guess I can begin telling my friends to recommend me to their networks. Haha.
And yes, it's spring time and I've lost 30 pounds recently. It would be nice to go on some nice dates.

@samantha0709 I'm in a cycling group too. I do a lot of activities - running, painting, photography, reading, debate, speaking etc but I never get approached even when I engage in friendly conversations. I guess I can work on how I sell myself.

@Fuerza Thank you. And oh yes, I date all sorts of men regardless of race. Some of the most exciting and compatible men I've met recently have been White so I'm not sure why you caveat it that way. But I've I'm sorry about your experience with OLD. Don't give up. The next one might just be the right one.

@Washingforweeks Thanks for the reassurance. It's taken a lot of self work to not allow OLD destroy my confidence.

@DalmatianCalledStripe It's comforting to know I'm not alone. I can't take up anymore hobbies without feeling spread thin. My typical week involves work and fitting in these outdoor activities - volunteering, pilates, swimming, gym, sauna, cycling, theatre, running, lunch/ dinner out alone or with a girlfriend, and house chores.
I think the task for me will be to find a way to better exploit these for socialisation.
Is there a particular hobby you think I should explore?

Have you tried speed dating events OP? I think you can get ones that specialise in professionals etc.

I really do feel for you. OLD can be utterly soul destroying 😩

I did 9 years (on and off). All sites, free, paid. All of them and they were all much of a muchness.

I really do recommend joining the MN thread suggested up thread. It really does help develop a thicker skin and appreciate that some of the characters online are, unfortunately very common and definitely no reflection on you!

I have finally met someone... we're just about to complete on our first house together but it was a bloody hard slog. My mum, on the other hand, met her now husband in 2 weeks of dating. Either way, there is hope...

Good luck!

🙄

I’ve found this one of the most depressing truths about men…

Intelligence doesn’t rank as highly for men looking for a partner. For me, a bloke has to be intelligent for there to be any attraction.

I have quite a few male (platonic) friends who are very intelligent. Have known them for years and always thought they’d go for an intellectual equal. So disappointed by the number who’ve gone for really quite thick ( but slim, attractive) women.

intelligent female friends are all with clever men.

Obviously, there are exceptions and some guys love a clever women, but it’s definitely less of a priority for guys.

You sound cool OP. I'm the same age as you.

I don't have any advice I'm afraid - I came off OLD after I realise that I wasn't really physically attracted to a single guy on there. There were men who were average at best but no one that didn't like like a Del Boy, greasy geezer, gym maniac/racer boy type.

I was on Hinge, and even on there, there were men who were just weird. One man had a photo that was taken of him at a restaurant. It had a romantic dinner type vibes around it. Then I spotted he had forgotten to edit out the fact that the was holding what was definitely a man's hand across the table. I've seen profiles from men saying they like to be bum fucked by their woman, like their ass eaten.

I think part of the reason why is that a) Some men want to feel like they have the upper hand on their women, so it just doesn't work for them to be with an intelligent partner, and b) A lot of men seem to like to find their partner cute, because they associate it with femininity and vulnerability. They don't mind going 'Aww...she said a dumb thing' because they either find it cute or it gives them the opprotunity tho demonstate their intellectual superiority, or to pontificate to an audience. Women though, don't really look for that type of cuteness in men, and if they do, it tends to only be in very small amounts otherwise it's a turn-off.

Well, then they aren't going to be reading this clearly humorous title, so I think we're all good.

@Newyearnewhome I think many women assume that because they happen to be on the same intelligence level at their male partner, because they have things in common and because their partner seems to like this, these attributes must be incredibly important for their male partners as it is for them. They are important to an extent, but I think for men they are much more of a happy coincidence rather than something they feel strongly about.

That is why some relationship go downhill once the woman has a baby and puts on a teeny-tiny bit of weight - the man is fustrated or angry that his partner is not holding up her end of the bargain to be 100% physically attractive to him, her main benefit, when she never realised (often understandably) that this mainly the reason why she was chosen in the first place.

No advice but I've also seen this quoted about black women being on the bottom of the dating pile. It's often quoted by incels/white neo-nazi men online - so maybe a lucky escape from the guy who felt it would be nice to tell you that great piece of information.

My sister is an intelligent, confident, successful and very beautiful woman. She has had very little interest from sensible men who are her counterparts in terms of finances/education/aspirations. I've also had very little interest from men over the years despite being attractive and intelligent (married however so not looking!) We're both mixed race.

No advice, just solidarity and well wishes for your dating journey.

You sound lovely OP.

I'm single and so are so many of my gorgeous, funny and clever friends, and I just despair of it sometimes. The world could be such a happy place if more men made more of an effort. Good on you for putting yourself out there.

@EarthSight I totally agree - guys with clever partners have almost always gone for something else. ( one very clever friend has the most amazing legs I’ve seen- her partner definitely went for the legs first!)

It’s rarely something that guys say they’re looking for. Some say they want women who are funny ( which I think is a sign of intelligence) but sadly, studies show that when men say a GSOH they really want women who laugh at their jokes.

women, on the other hand, want to meet someone who makes them laugh.

To be honest it’s way easier dating as a late 40/ single mum
I’m looking for fun and escape rather than a compatible
life partner right now

so some of the things that might be a deal breaker for you , are less for for me

however maybe widening your range could lead to some fun and learning what’s out there and learning about you ? If you have very strict criteria it’s going to be harder and limits maybe

in your situation id also look at hobbies , singles holidays - I took up a new hobby last year (mainly women) but it’s a confidence boost

ironically a guy has posted something similar and there is some quite good advice

im not saying to lower standards
but maybe try different experiences as an experiment 🧪

I’ve seen you have hobbies ! Disregard !

ok - have one sexy photo on profile 😂🥴