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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My abusive tendencies have ruined my marriage

118 replies

hidadsoup · 09/04/2023 22:37

I’ve been with my husband for 5 years, married for almost 2. We have a 2yo DS and I am about 10 weeks pregnant with number 2.

DH and I have a fair amount of arguments. Unfortunately we repeat a pattern where I will tell him I’m upset because of something he has done or not done and then he will deflect it all back on me, refuse to listen and basically say,’you can’t be upset about this because you also do or don’t do this other thing’.

I’ve tried to bring his attention to it many times but he doesn’t seem able to see it or fix it. It makes me feel invalidated.

for my part I hurt him in other ways. I have called him mean names when things have been heated and yesterday I threw his shoe which was left by the door after asking many many times for him to please not leave shoes where they can be tripped over. I have thrown other things probably 3 times including once where I actually threw keys at his leg.

I know I have issues and I’ve had individual therapy and couples therapy. I guess I know what I need to do to stop my behaviour (mindfulness, catch the anger before it comes out) but I haven’t been capable of really committing to change so far.

dh and I don’t have sex, except to conceive recently we just don’t do it, it’s been an issue for me for about 3 and a half of the years we’ve been together (it’s him who won’t touch me). He does hug me and we will have a peck on the lips but that’s about it.

with all of this bullshit we somehow sort of muddle through most of the time. But dh has just let out a big revelation/confession, where he’s basically said I treat him like shit, he feels pathetic and feminine, he is scared of me. This is heartbreaking to hear, obviously I am aware that I have outbursts of abusive behaviour but he laid it all out like this and it all made sense.

the reason he won’t sleep with me, isn’t very warm, doesn’t like me to share his food or doesn’t offer me a cup of tea when he makes one , all the things that I get upset about, are all
because he holds huge contempt towards me for treating him poorly, which is of course fair enough.

we have had big make or break talks over our troubles and always end up with, we love each other, want to make it work, and perhaps most of all neither of us wants to be away from our son for any time.

but after tonight I feel it’s been a revelation and that it’s not serving either of us to keep going with this. I have just been in bits because for the first time I imagined him moving on with someone else and I actually felt happy and that that would be the right thing and what he deserves. It shocked me and I think I’ve just spent some time genuinely processing what it would mean to split.

not really sure why I’m posting other than to get it all out in one place. I know most people reading this will just say, what a shitshow, why bring another kid into this mess, which is a very good fucking question!

OP posts:
monsteramunch · 09/04/2023 22:51

I know most people reading this will just say, what a shitshow, why bring another kid into this mess, which is a very good fucking question!

Without meaning to sound like a dick OP, what is the answer to this question?

I can't think of a possible reason to have made that decision and bring another child into this?

Cinpple · 09/04/2023 22:56

Well you do still have options about the pregnancy.

I think you have to decide whether to stay and try and work this out (likely with a lot of therapy) or go. I would probably go in your shoes and DEFINITELY in his.

piedbeauty · 09/04/2023 23:02

But why on EARTH did you think it would be a good idea to bring another child into this shit-show of a marriage??? It's insane.

I'd terminate, divorce, have some counselling then rebuild my life, focusing on my Dc.

FatFilledTrottyPuss · 09/04/2023 23:07

He feels feminine?! WTF is that meant to mean? Does he think there’s something distasteful about females?
He sounds like a misogynist from what you’ve written here and like he treats you with contempt.
He expects you to put up and shut up while he does whatever he wants and you’re the abusive one for asking him not to leave his shoes lying around? He’s gaslighting you op. He sounds vile.

Starlitestarbright · 09/04/2023 23:08

This is not a healthy relationship

Suzi9989 · 09/04/2023 23:12

Are you happy being pregnant?
How did your DH react when you shared the news?
Married life is tough! Toddler and baby on the way will not be easy.
BOTH you and DH need to share the same goal. Your post sounds like you have already checked out!?

Original poster
hidadsoup · 09/04/2023 23:13

No it’s not a healthy relationship. It’s a strange thing to come to terms with the extent of our fucked-upness but since being on mumsnet I have had more insight into how ‘normal’ relationships work.

termination is not something I or he would consider.

@FatFilledTrottyPuss i did question him on the feminine comment, he deflected as usual, I have considered that he may be gaslighting sometimes but then I am confronted with my own abusive ways and it just looks like we are as bad as each other really

OP posts:
Original poster
hidadsoup · 09/04/2023 23:16

@Suzi9989 happy being pregnant, we both wanted another DC and always ideally wanted 3 ha! However we have repeated the pattern of doom that broke up his own parents where we only have sex to conceive. Since conception of DS and before this recent conception I could probably count the amount of times we have had sex on one hand.

OP posts:
Irritateandunreasonable · 09/04/2023 23:16

FatFilledTrottyPuss · 09/04/2023 23:07

He feels feminine?! WTF is that meant to mean? Does he think there’s something distasteful about females?
He sounds like a misogynist from what you’ve written here and like he treats you with contempt.
He expects you to put up and shut up while he does whatever he wants and you’re the abusive one for asking him not to leave his shoes lying around? He’s gaslighting you op. He sounds vile.

Can you explain how you’ve come to all of those conclusions from what OP wrote?

Original poster
hidadsoup · 09/04/2023 23:18

I do feel part way checked out just because we’ve been on the cusp of break up/divorce so many times. It’s a very turbulent relationship and that’s probably due mostly to me and my own insecurities however during therapy I also noticed a pattern where when he was being attentive, helping more round the house etc there were more periods of stability

OP posts:
Ialalaaaa · 09/04/2023 23:18

I cannot believe what PP are saying. OP there is no need whatsoever to terminate your baby over this. For what it's worth I see it as a very strong point that your DH has revealed these feelings to you. It means he saw a reason to do this- which means he has not given up on your marriage. He is inviting you to understand his perspective and work on your side of the issue - which it sounds like you are open to doing (and already starting by posting this here). To me it sounds as though you will be able to work through this together by having several more heart to hearts and slowly trying to change things together over time. You could end up in a much stronger place for having worked through something like this and being genuinely self-reflective.

Choccyeggs20 · 09/04/2023 23:18

I’d maybe go for marriage counselling in first instance then separate if it doesn’t improve.

Dont blame yourself. He sounds like a real creep. He’s not interested in you in the bedroom, blames you and also continually ignores everything you ask of him. He sounds very childish.

What do you actually get out of this relationship?

Isheabastard · 09/04/2023 23:21

I feel very sad for you reading this.

Your second paragraph really resonated with me. My STBXH behaved like this for most of the marriage. When they won’t listen to you, wont hear what you are trying to say, won’t give validation to your complaint or feelings, and turn it back on you, it’s difficult to not grow resentful.

Its not good to resort to name calling or throwing things, but I understand your frustration. I did start private therapy and it really opened my eyes. We are now divorcing and I have literally stopped believing most of the shit my husband throws at me.

Only you can know how genuine these things your husband says are/could be.

Your marriage dynamics seem to be chicken and egg. You feel hurt he won’t make you a cup of tea etc, etc, you say, do something, he’s annoyed so he doesn’t make you a cup of tea.

You are taking blame and accepting ownership of your poor behaviour, does he accept blame for any of his?

Id suggest start keeping a journal. Write down everything. All the times he upsets you, what you both say and do, any spats you have.

Perhaps after a while you may see more clearly what both your faults are. It may help remind you to keep your cool, and stop throwing things etc. My husband would change facts so convincingly to suit his own agenda, having it written down helped me see his game.

I genuinely was scared of my husbands bad temper and withering insults (there was no physical violence) but I can’t ever imagine saying outright to him that he treated me like shit, that I only felt contempt for him, and I was scared of him. You see because I was scared of him, I could/would never have had the nerve to say those things.

Underwaterlife · 09/04/2023 23:22

I could have written this post 8 years ago. We are divorced now and I am sooo much happier. This is not how it should be. You dont respect or desire him. For me, there was no coming back from that. There's better out there .

IcedBananas · 09/04/2023 23:23

to me it sounds like the issues are 50% with him and 50% with you. You both sound willing to work on them and work them out. I’d give that a try and see if you can both change things bit by bit. It’s clear that things must change. Or you can separate if 1 or both of you don’t want to change.

WallaceinAnderland · 09/04/2023 23:24

Why are you choosing to stay with a man who will only have sex when he has to in order to get the baby he wants? It's insane.

maddy68 · 09/04/2023 23:26

piedbeauty · 09/04/2023 23:02

But why on EARTH did you think it would be a good idea to bring another child into this shit-show of a marriage??? It's insane.

I'd terminate, divorce, have some counselling then rebuild my life, focusing on my Dc.

This is what I would do too.
It's an unhealthy envió to bring a child into.

Original poster
hidadsoup · 09/04/2023 23:35

Thanks all for your comments, it’s tricky to reply to each individually but I appreciate you all taking the time to reply.

journaling sounds like a great idea and a good thing to do after the revelation tonight. I am sleeping on the sofa and think I may do for the foreseeable future while we sort this out. DH is going away for a long weekend this weekend so we will also have a bit of much needed space. He’s going on a lads weekend after cancelling not one, not two but three holidays we had planned over the last year due to being far too busy….

OP posts:
Original poster
hidadsoup · 09/04/2023 23:37

Yes it’s not a healthy environment for a child, however I see going ahead with the pregnancy and separating in the mean time as a viable option. We both want DC and though rationally it would probably make sense to terminate I just couldn’t do it

OP posts:
WalkingThroughTreacle · 09/04/2023 23:44

This has all the hallmarks of an abusive relationship. However, I'm not convinced it's clear from, what you've told us, who is the abuser and who is the victim. It could very easily be you, it could be him or it could even be both of you. Whatever, if counselling is considered, it should be on an individual basis, not couple therapy. Seeing as you posted, and not him, my advice would be to look after yourself and let him worry about himself. If you think counselling is worth a try then go on your own.

Original poster
hidadsoup · 09/04/2023 23:45

IcedBananas · 09/04/2023 23:23

to me it sounds like the issues are 50% with him and 50% with you. You both sound willing to work on them and work them out. I’d give that a try and see if you can both change things bit by bit. It’s clear that things must change. Or you can separate if 1 or both of you don’t want to change.

In terms of wanting to/ being able
to change, while I did admit I haven’t fully committed to changing in the OP, the truth is that I also feel our problems are just too deep. In his ‘speech’ earlier DH compared me to his dad, his dad abused him very harshly, physically and mentally, and to hear that he sees me in the same light is disturbing to say the least. I’ve never laid a finger on him save the key throwing , and I have raised my voice and lost control and called him an effing twat when I’ve been triggered, but to hear he equates this with the man who beat him for years makes me feel I’ve no hope of escaping this narrative in his mind.

sorry if this would all be considered drip feeding

OP posts:
KittyAlfred · 09/04/2023 23:47

Do you not feel slightly guilty exposing a child to this toxic nightmare, and planning to expose another child to it? Are you not concerned you may cause them lasting damage?

whynotwhatknot · 09/04/2023 23:47

he sounds uninrested in you except t be baby carrier-maybe you are absuive i dont know but he doesnt sound great either

Original poster
hidadsoup · 09/04/2023 23:52

@KittyAlfred yes I do worry, but maybe not as much as you might think I should. To be fair we don’t argue in front of our son, he’s a happy well-adjusted kid and the worst he would experience is having to shuttle between houses if we divorce, which I know from DH is trauma in and of itself but is unfortunately reality for lots of children

OP posts:
Mariposista · 09/04/2023 23:53

Those poor poor children. I hope they have other people looking out for them…