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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My abusive tendencies have ruined my marriage

118 replies

hidadsoup · 09/04/2023 22:37

I’ve been with my husband for 5 years, married for almost 2. We have a 2yo DS and I am about 10 weeks pregnant with number 2.

DH and I have a fair amount of arguments. Unfortunately we repeat a pattern where I will tell him I’m upset because of something he has done or not done and then he will deflect it all back on me, refuse to listen and basically say,’you can’t be upset about this because you also do or don’t do this other thing’.

I’ve tried to bring his attention to it many times but he doesn’t seem able to see it or fix it. It makes me feel invalidated.

for my part I hurt him in other ways. I have called him mean names when things have been heated and yesterday I threw his shoe which was left by the door after asking many many times for him to please not leave shoes where they can be tripped over. I have thrown other things probably 3 times including once where I actually threw keys at his leg.

I know I have issues and I’ve had individual therapy and couples therapy. I guess I know what I need to do to stop my behaviour (mindfulness, catch the anger before it comes out) but I haven’t been capable of really committing to change so far.

dh and I don’t have sex, except to conceive recently we just don’t do it, it’s been an issue for me for about 3 and a half of the years we’ve been together (it’s him who won’t touch me). He does hug me and we will have a peck on the lips but that’s about it.

with all of this bullshit we somehow sort of muddle through most of the time. But dh has just let out a big revelation/confession, where he’s basically said I treat him like shit, he feels pathetic and feminine, he is scared of me. This is heartbreaking to hear, obviously I am aware that I have outbursts of abusive behaviour but he laid it all out like this and it all made sense.

the reason he won’t sleep with me, isn’t very warm, doesn’t like me to share his food or doesn’t offer me a cup of tea when he makes one , all the things that I get upset about, are all
because he holds huge contempt towards me for treating him poorly, which is of course fair enough.

we have had big make or break talks over our troubles and always end up with, we love each other, want to make it work, and perhaps most of all neither of us wants to be away from our son for any time.

but after tonight I feel it’s been a revelation and that it’s not serving either of us to keep going with this. I have just been in bits because for the first time I imagined him moving on with someone else and I actually felt happy and that that would be the right thing and what he deserves. It shocked me and I think I’ve just spent some time genuinely processing what it would mean to split.

not really sure why I’m posting other than to get it all out in one place. I know most people reading this will just say, what a shitshow, why bring another kid into this mess, which is a very good fucking question!

OP posts:
HeartBrokenWife · 10/04/2023 08:59

Your partner is a covert narcissist. Look up DARVO as suggested by a PP.

Cloverforever · 10/04/2023 09:22

Also look up reactive abuse OP, and see if it rings any bells.

Tarantullah · 10/04/2023 09:29

It sounds like you'd probably both be better off alone, it sounds like there's lots of toxicity from both sides, you deserve better as does he and of course your children.

PaintedEgg · 10/04/2023 09:31

sorry, but how are you guys seeing this ma being a "covert narcissist" and abuser when he is the one getting stuff thrown at him? Being annoying is not a reason to get assaulted or have your stuff thrown around, if he was the one throwing things at her the excuse "she is dismissing meeeee" would never fly

Mumma212 · 10/04/2023 09:32

Some of the comments you've received here OP I find really harsh and definitely unhelpful.

It actually sounds like you have a lot of insight about yourself and your behaviour which means you've a better chance than many of turning it around and hopefully being happier with a better relationship.

I think first you both need to really decide if you want to be together and work at it.
If you both really do then I'm sure you have it in you, don't know enough about your partner though but obviously you do.

As for people telling you to terminate your pregnancy....I find that disgusting of them and not because I'm anti-abortion at all but because you never implied in any way that you didn't want your baby.

Best of luck to you.
I hope it all works out however is best for you all.
Xxx

EmilyGilmoresSass · 10/04/2023 09:40

monsteramunch · 09/04/2023 22:51

I know most people reading this will just say, what a shitshow, why bring another kid into this mess, which is a very good fucking question!

Without meaning to sound like a dick OP, what is the answer to this question?

I can't think of a possible reason to have made that decision and bring another child into this?

This. You slept together PURELY to conceive, so its not even an unplanned child. Poor kids.

Sometimeswinning · 10/04/2023 09:42

hidadsoup · 10/04/2023 07:58

Floralsquirrel have you got anything constructive to add or are you just here to rub it in? I’ve acknowledged and regret that I’m abusive, I am thinking of my child which is why I’m heading for divorce. I don’t understand posters like you, you’re free to think whatever you want when you read my post but why the need to comment if it’s only to demonstrate your own superiority, don’t forget there’s a real person on the other side of the screen

Show quote history

I don't think you do fully take responsibility if I'm honest. There is always an underlying reason you do things. Throwing a shoe because he kept leaving his shoes in the way. Going to a Councillor (dropping in they sided with you!) I do actually think you are pretty disingenuous. Not just on this thread but you provably are with yourself.

On another note I think your marriage is not going to get any better. Your children will be affected by it soon. They'll hear the shouting, name calling etc. You may not know it now but your dc probably already has heard or seen stuff.

RJnomore1 · 10/04/2023 09:53

I actually think the problem is him.

Yoir behaviour is bad. You are self aware of that, and want to change. And you absolutely can. Don’t give up on you. But it sounds like he isn’t even acknowledging anything he may not be getting right and closing down your feelings. That’s incredibly selfish.

He needs to deal with his daddy issues and you need to get out and be the person you can be.

Tarantullah · 10/04/2023 09:58

RJnomore1 · 10/04/2023 09:53

I actually think the problem is him.

Yoir behaviour is bad. You are self aware of that, and want to change. And you absolutely can. Don’t give up on you. But it sounds like he isn’t even acknowledging anything he may not be getting right and closing down your feelings. That’s incredibly selfish.

He needs to deal with his daddy issues and you need to get out and be the person you can be.

I don't think it's all OPs fault, but generally if any of my friends (male of female) said their partner had thrown things and often shouted abusive things ie twat regardless of if they were goaded or frustrated the advice would be to leave. I don't know any of my female friends who if their husbands did this there'd be a suggestion perhaps it was their fault or that they should try and work on things, it would be to get out.

HazelBite · 10/04/2023 10:01

Op does it bother you that you have no intimacy in your marriage. My first marriage was virtually sexless, it did my head in I felt so unattractive and gross. What was it like for you prior to your marriage?

OriGanOver · 10/04/2023 10:05

OP - are you actually happy? You don't sound it. I think the dysfunction in your relationship is too embeded and it would be better to use the weekend he is away to make a plan of creating a better life for you and dc.

I don't condone your behaviour but I can see how it's happened.

People don't really change. We are who we are. Counselling is not going to change either of you. You only get one life and this relationship is making you miserable and act in ways you don't like.

Notsuchaniceguy · 10/04/2023 10:05

This thread rings a lot of bells for me. Your relationship may well contain abusive acts from both sides. Mine does. You sound like you have insight into what you do, which is a good start. But insight only gets you so far. You have to use it to make behavioural change, which may require specialist help and not necessarily in couples therapy. Couples therapy for us was not helpful.

If you and your partner both have insight, both can commit to changing behaviour (with help) and actually want to be together then it's maybe worth a shot. If any of those questions are a 'no' for either of you, I think you'd do best to separate, especially as you have children.

Even if it is all 'yeses' there are no guarantees here. Change means you become someone who does things and thinks and feels things differently. You may discover that the non abusive changed you is not attractive to him or vice versa. For example the person who is attracted to damaged people to try to save them to plaster over some wound in themselves. If that would is healed then the romantic attraction to the damaged may be lessened or dispelled.

If you do separate, then still do the work on 'you'.

You might try reading Why Does He Do That by Bancroft. Look beyond the gender in the title and ask yourself if aspects of you as well as him are described in the book. It was an eye opener for me about both myself and my wife.

Good luck OP.

namens · 10/04/2023 10:07

You should leave op. I grew up with a mother who was emotionally and physically abusive to both my father and me and it was dreadful. Throwing things were right up her street because she was hitting my father without actually laying her hands on him. It really is awful for children to watch and has massively shaped my adult life.

I used to have a tendency to deny and attack etc. It was learned behaviour that's why you need to break the cycle otherwise your children will do it.

Imnotachap · 10/04/2023 10:17

For what it's worth, i don't think you're abusive. I think he is, but that blaming you ensures he never has to reflect on his own behaviour and instead it's you running around like a headless chicken thinking you're the problem.

ThisIsNotAmerican · 10/04/2023 11:39

Id leave op, find yourself someone who can make you happy x

That would be making the same mistake again. Op needs to work on herself and take responsibility for her own emotions.

We all should be capable of making ourselves happy and removing the toxicity that leads to us feeling unhappy. We do not need anyone else to do that.

gonkk · 10/04/2023 11:44

FatFilledTrottyPuss · 09/04/2023 23:07

He feels feminine?! WTF is that meant to mean? Does he think there’s something distasteful about females?
He sounds like a misogynist from what you’ve written here and like he treats you with contempt.
He expects you to put up and shut up while he does whatever he wants and you’re the abusive one for asking him not to leave his shoes lying around? He’s gaslighting you op. He sounds vile.

Do you enjoy feeling masculine?

Softoprider · 10/04/2023 11:51

But you both are intentionally and deliberately unkind to each other OP ! What kind of teaching is this to your children ???

I bet he is gay

AgentJohnson · 10/04/2023 12:39

Op, throwing things and calling your H names is a choice, just as staying in a relationship that clearly isn’t working is.

Trying harder, counselling and handwringing hasn’t worked for the sake of your children it’s time to call time on this cycle of toxicity.

RJnomore1 · 10/04/2023 13:00

Tarantullah · 10/04/2023 09:58

I don't think it's all OPs fault, but generally if any of my friends (male of female) said their partner had thrown things and often shouted abusive things ie twat regardless of if they were goaded or frustrated the advice would be to leave. I don't know any of my female friends who if their husbands did this there'd be a suggestion perhaps it was their fault or that they should try and work on things, it would be to get out.

Show quote history

I do agree with you. But also he’s at fault - it doesn’t make the ops behaviour any better but he isn’t even acknowledging that he might need to work on himself. I think the op taking the entire responsibility for the breakdown of the relationship is wrong.

The entire responsibility for her own behaviour absolutely.

Nanny0gg · 10/04/2023 16:18

hidadsoup · 09/04/2023 23:35

Thanks all for your comments, it’s tricky to reply to each individually but I appreciate you all taking the time to reply.

journaling sounds like a great idea and a good thing to do after the revelation tonight. I am sleeping on the sofa and think I may do for the foreseeable future while we sort this out. DH is going away for a long weekend this weekend so we will also have a bit of much needed space. He’s going on a lads weekend after cancelling not one, not two but three holidays we had planned over the last year due to being far too busy….

Why is the person who is pregnant sleeping on the sofa?

I'm not dismissing your treatment of him but on a day-to=day basis I think he's treating you very, very badly and you don't seem to see it

Nanny0gg · 10/04/2023 16:19

Choccyeggs20 · 09/04/2023 23:18

I’d maybe go for marriage counselling in first instance then separate if it doesn’t improve.

Dont blame yourself. He sounds like a real creep. He’s not interested in you in the bedroom, blames you and also continually ignores everything you ask of him. He sounds very childish.

What do you actually get out of this relationship?

No! There's too much abuse, They both need to go but I'm not entirely sure the OP's husband will be open to it

Nanny0gg · 10/04/2023 16:19

hidadsoup · 09/04/2023 23:37

Yes it’s not a healthy environment for a child, however I see going ahead with the pregnancy and separating in the mean time as a viable option. We both want DC and though rationally it would probably make sense to terminate I just couldn’t do it

Then separate. Soon

Skybluepinky · 10/04/2023 16:22

Sounds like a terrible relationship to bring another child into.

mathanxiety · 10/04/2023 17:30

Isheabastard · 09/04/2023 23:21

I feel very sad for you reading this.

Your second paragraph really resonated with me. My STBXH behaved like this for most of the marriage. When they won’t listen to you, wont hear what you are trying to say, won’t give validation to your complaint or feelings, and turn it back on you, it’s difficult to not grow resentful.

Its not good to resort to name calling or throwing things, but I understand your frustration. I did start private therapy and it really opened my eyes. We are now divorcing and I have literally stopped believing most of the shit my husband throws at me.

Only you can know how genuine these things your husband says are/could be.

Your marriage dynamics seem to be chicken and egg. You feel hurt he won’t make you a cup of tea etc, etc, you say, do something, he’s annoyed so he doesn’t make you a cup of tea.

You are taking blame and accepting ownership of your poor behaviour, does he accept blame for any of his?

Id suggest start keeping a journal. Write down everything. All the times he upsets you, what you both say and do, any spats you have.

Perhaps after a while you may see more clearly what both your faults are. It may help remind you to keep your cool, and stop throwing things etc. My husband would change facts so convincingly to suit his own agenda, having it written down helped me see his game.

I genuinely was scared of my husbands bad temper and withering insults (there was no physical violence) but I can’t ever imagine saying outright to him that he treated me like shit, that I only felt contempt for him, and I was scared of him. You see because I was scared of him, I could/would never have had the nerve to say those things.

THIS!

Your husband is gaslighting you, OP.

He has withdrawn affection and sex and is playing the victim card.

Keep a journal exactly as Isheabastard suggests. It will be an eye opener for you.

Go to therapy yourself. Ask for help dealing with a covert narcissist.

mathanxiety · 10/04/2023 17:32

YYY to @twolilacs DARVO comment.

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