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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My abusive tendencies have ruined my marriage

118 replies

hidadsoup · 09/04/2023 22:37

I’ve been with my husband for 5 years, married for almost 2. We have a 2yo DS and I am about 10 weeks pregnant with number 2.

DH and I have a fair amount of arguments. Unfortunately we repeat a pattern where I will tell him I’m upset because of something he has done or not done and then he will deflect it all back on me, refuse to listen and basically say,’you can’t be upset about this because you also do or don’t do this other thing’.

I’ve tried to bring his attention to it many times but he doesn’t seem able to see it or fix it. It makes me feel invalidated.

for my part I hurt him in other ways. I have called him mean names when things have been heated and yesterday I threw his shoe which was left by the door after asking many many times for him to please not leave shoes where they can be tripped over. I have thrown other things probably 3 times including once where I actually threw keys at his leg.

I know I have issues and I’ve had individual therapy and couples therapy. I guess I know what I need to do to stop my behaviour (mindfulness, catch the anger before it comes out) but I haven’t been capable of really committing to change so far.

dh and I don’t have sex, except to conceive recently we just don’t do it, it’s been an issue for me for about 3 and a half of the years we’ve been together (it’s him who won’t touch me). He does hug me and we will have a peck on the lips but that’s about it.

with all of this bullshit we somehow sort of muddle through most of the time. But dh has just let out a big revelation/confession, where he’s basically said I treat him like shit, he feels pathetic and feminine, he is scared of me. This is heartbreaking to hear, obviously I am aware that I have outbursts of abusive behaviour but he laid it all out like this and it all made sense.

the reason he won’t sleep with me, isn’t very warm, doesn’t like me to share his food or doesn’t offer me a cup of tea when he makes one , all the things that I get upset about, are all
because he holds huge contempt towards me for treating him poorly, which is of course fair enough.

we have had big make or break talks over our troubles and always end up with, we love each other, want to make it work, and perhaps most of all neither of us wants to be away from our son for any time.

but after tonight I feel it’s been a revelation and that it’s not serving either of us to keep going with this. I have just been in bits because for the first time I imagined him moving on with someone else and I actually felt happy and that that would be the right thing and what he deserves. It shocked me and I think I’ve just spent some time genuinely processing what it would mean to split.

not really sure why I’m posting other than to get it all out in one place. I know most people reading this will just say, what a shitshow, why bring another kid into this mess, which is a very good fucking question!

OP posts:
Original poster
hidadsoup · 10/04/2023 00:48

creaamontop · 10/04/2023 00:46

Sounds like he's gaslighting you to me, and you're reacting in a not so nice way. Either way, it's toxic, you bring out the worst in each-other and need to go your separate ways. I reacted to my ex like this and went to counselling and apologised while he made me out to be the monster. 18 months post separation and 8 months into a new relationship, I realise it wasn't me, I am capable of a healthy half of a wonderful relationship, and that he was not my lobster, and your husband isn't yours.

It’s deeply sad to realise we bring out the worst in each other. There was a time years ago when we told each other the opposite

OP posts:
twolilacs · 10/04/2023 00:49

hidadsoup · 10/04/2023 00:18

Regarding therapy, we have seen two different couples therapists together. We didn’t really achieve anything and actually DH felt ganged up on, both were female therapists and both sort of ‘sided’ with me at various points. Both therapists commented on our ability to talk things through, which we can do well occasionally, so I think for us it was just a bit of a waste of money really. I am aware we may have had more luck with a different therapist.
my experience of individual therapy was similar though, £100/hour for not very much other than reiterating how I have the power to control my emotions by practicing mindfulness, which is valid but didn’t really help me understand why I behave the way I do

Has it occurred to you that perhaps the reason both therapists 'sided' with you at various points was not because they were also female and ganging up with you against your DH (as he thought), but because they could see what was really going on, and they were actually right?

But instead of accepting their point of view and acknowledging that perhaps he was in the wrong on some points, he has turned it around (as he is apt to do) so that once again he is the blameless one.

Bobbybobbins · 10/04/2023 00:56

You are in a toxic relationship and really it needs to end for all your benefit but particularly your children.

Original poster
hidadsoup · 10/04/2023 00:56

twolilacs · 10/04/2023 00:49

Has it occurred to you that perhaps the reason both therapists 'sided' with you at various points was not because they were also female and ganging up with you against your DH (as he thought), but because they could see what was really going on, and they were actually right?

But instead of accepting their point of view and acknowledging that perhaps he was in the wrong on some points, he has turned it around (as he is apt to do) so that once again he is the blameless one.

Show quote history

Yes it has occurred, and thank you for seeing it. I can understand a lot of posters picking up on my behaviours, as they are more blatant and are without doubt toxic, but equally as important I think is his inability to take responsibility for his mistakes. It’s happened so many times where I bring something up and only after a lot of back and forth and blaming, and frustration and tears from me, can he maybe start to see that he’s done wrong. Ironically he criticises his brother for exactly this stubbornness but just will not see it in himself. He has convinced himself, and nearly me too, that it’s just because I’m a nagging wife with the highest expectations that could never possibly be met

OP posts:
saltwater1985 · 10/04/2023 00:58

FatFilledTrottyPuss · 09/04/2023 23:07

He feels feminine?! WTF is that meant to mean? Does he think there’s something distasteful about females?
He sounds like a misogynist from what you’ve written here and like he treats you with contempt.
He expects you to put up and shut up while he does whatever he wants and you’re the abusive one for asking him not to leave his shoes lying around? He’s gaslighting you op. He sounds vile.

My first thought too.
What a horrid way to describe his feelings! Yuck

JudgeRudy · 10/04/2023 01:18

Glad there's no alcohol problems. It's all very sad. I'm sure you don't repulse him/are repulsive but this behaviour is....from both of you. It sounds like groundhog day when you realise you're both doing it again. You've tried counselling and that's not helped...not really. The only way to get off this mad merry go round is to jump. You might graze a knee but the fear of jumping is worse than the reality. You'll dust yourself down and start afresh hopefully co parenting your children.
I suspect you're not quite ready to let go yet and are convincing yourself you'll take one more spin and it'll be different. Who knows but I won't be betting on it.

Thelifeofawife · 10/04/2023 01:25

hidadsoup · 10/04/2023 00:56

Yes it has occurred, and thank you for seeing it. I can understand a lot of posters picking up on my behaviours, as they are more blatant and are without doubt toxic, but equally as important I think is his inability to take responsibility for his mistakes. It’s happened so many times where I bring something up and only after a lot of back and forth and blaming, and frustration and tears from me, can he maybe start to see that he’s done wrong. Ironically he criticises his brother for exactly this stubbornness but just will not see it in himself. He has convinced himself, and nearly me too, that it’s just because I’m a nagging wife with the highest expectations that could never possibly be met

Show quote history

OP I feel for your situation. It’s understandable that you’ve grown frustrated from never being heard and having your feelings dismissed all of the time just because he can’t self reflect or accept he’s at fault for anything.
My DH is the same and it’s very difficult to deal with. It grinds you down.

Everyone knows you shouldn’t be name calling and throwing things, but is this what you’ve always been like or is this a result of the way he deals with things?

Also, I find it coincidental that your DH has opened up with all these negative feelings he’s got about you, right before he’s due to go on a weekend away with the lads (and as you say, he’s not made time for your trips away) - I just hope that it’s not so he can behave inappropriately whilst he’s away and then try to blame you because you made him feel so bad!

You know that your behaviour needs to change, but please do consider why you’re reacting like this, and be a little kinder on yourself. If you were all bad you wouldn’t be posting on here, you’d be acting like your husband and refusing to see your part in it.

Congratulations on your pregnancy. It’s a blessing despite the difficult circumstances so try to focus on that and enjoy it

LemonPeonies · 10/04/2023 02:28

Why are pp's convinced OP can't possibly be the abuser, because she's a woman?! Ridiculous. OP- from what you've said you can't control your anger, whether or not your reasons for being annoyed in the first place are valid doesn't matter. You would both need a lot of relationship counselling to sort out the toxicity. I must say, when with my abusive exH I didn't much fancy intimate time with him either, try and see it from his point of view.

Checkmeowt22 · 10/04/2023 07:08

If you can OP, try and imagine your life in 5 years time. My sister did this for me just weeks after my 2nd had been born. Little did I know, that this laid a path for getting me out of an abusive situation very similar to yours. She wrote it on a piece of paper that I would glimpse every once in a while, reminding me what I truly desired. For this I am so grateful.

I ummed and ahhed about the impact on my kids and I won't lie, it was tough. They adjusted well and know they are deeply loved. Once he was off my back and out of my headspace, I was able to reclaim myself and become the best damned mother and version of myself.

I've gone on to find an amazing partner who adores my kids, treats me with respect and loves me unconditionally. We're getting married in 2 weeks and I pinch myself that this is my life.

He on the other hand has a failed relationship under his belt which involved the police coming to my front door as she too reported him for abuse.

The truth? He will never change.

Set yourself free. Don't doubt yourself.

I hope my story gives you pause for thought. Give your kids will get the best version of you.
You can do this!!!

PaintedEgg · 10/04/2023 07:24

Apologies if I've missed a post that has answered it- Is he right that you do things like leaving stuff around? if he is, then the deflection makes sense - you do it and it's fine, he does it and gets things thrown out or at him.

mamnotmum · 10/04/2023 07:38

Bringing another child into this isn't a good idea - you are abusive towards eachother and there are heated rows. Which your children are going to witness.

You don't seem to love/care about each other - I don't understand the relationship. Are there family days out, meals together and good times?

I can never understand the sex issue. Do neither of you want/initiate sex? I can't comprehend my husband not wanting sex - if he suddenly stopped trying I'd worry something was wrong. How does it just suddenly stop if both people don't want it to?

mamnotmum · 10/04/2023 07:43

hidadsoup · 09/04/2023 23:52

@KittyAlfred yes I do worry, but maybe not as much as you might think I should. To be fair we don’t argue in front of our son, he’s a happy well-adjusted kid and the worst he would experience is having to shuttle between houses if we divorce, which I know from DH is trauma in and of itself but is unfortunately reality for lots of children

How long do you think it's possible for though?

You think your children are not going to question why you are sleeping on the sofa? Why you don't have family holidays? Or tell you they woke up and you were shouting?

My parents still say 'the kids never heard us argue'. It's rubbish. Us kids mostly certainly did hear. Many many times. We were never asked if we heard, no attempts made not to shout just our parents didn't want to believe we could hear because they know that's terrible parenting.

If arguing is happening in the house they are in the kids will absolutely know. They'll hear it or sense it. I'm certain of that.

Floralsquirrel · 10/04/2023 07:51

OnaBegonia · 10/04/2023 00:20

Yet again a thread where if roles were reversed everyone would be screaming LTB, but let's overlook OP name calling, throwing things and hitting her DH with them, because women are always victims here. You both sound pretty horrible and to choose to get pregnant again is the height of idiocy.

Indeed. OP you are abusive and from what you've said he doesn't sound great either. Please think of your child and the baby you're dragging into this mess.

Original poster
hidadsoup · 10/04/2023 07:58

Floralsquirrel · 10/04/2023 07:51

Indeed. OP you are abusive and from what you've said he doesn't sound great either. Please think of your child and the baby you're dragging into this mess.

Show quote history

Floralsquirrel have you got anything constructive to add or are you just here to rub it in? I’ve acknowledged and regret that I’m abusive, I am thinking of my child which is why I’m heading for divorce. I don’t understand posters like you, you’re free to think whatever you want when you read my post but why the need to comment if it’s only to demonstrate your own superiority, don’t forget there’s a real person on the other side of the screen

OP posts:
hattie43 · 10/04/2023 08:01

piedbeauty · 09/04/2023 23:02

But why on EARTH did you think it would be a good idea to bring another child into this shit-show of a marriage??? It's insane.

I'd terminate, divorce, have some counselling then rebuild my life, focusing on my Dc.

Absolutely this

Floralsquirrel · 10/04/2023 08:03

hidadsoup · 10/04/2023 07:58

Floralsquirrel have you got anything constructive to add or are you just here to rub it in? I’ve acknowledged and regret that I’m abusive, I am thinking of my child which is why I’m heading for divorce. I don’t understand posters like you, you’re free to think whatever you want when you read my post but why the need to comment if it’s only to demonstrate your own superiority, don’t forget there’s a real person on the other side of the screen

Show quote history

Good glad to hear you're being realistic and considering divorce.

idontlikementhols · 10/04/2023 08:05

I feel very sad for your children. Why are you surprised that someone who shouts abuse and throws things at him reminds him of his abusive parent? Your children could be saying the same in years to come.

DelphiniumBlue · 10/04/2023 08:16

He lets his pregnant wife sleep on the sofa and stays in the bed himself.
That tells me he is not a nice man.
Everything you have said points to him being totally selfish and he frames you questioning this as abusive. Well, it works for him, doesn't it?

Urghfedup · 10/04/2023 08:19

My midwife told I was abusive as I ended up losing it with my partner and shouted at him. He refused to do anything in my second pregnancy and used to throw packets once he eaten his crisp/nuts etc onto the floor for me to pick up, I had really bad SPD and one day I got down and couldn’t get back up. I lost it and shouted at him. It’s only more recently through a domestic abuse charity that I’ve managed to recognise that I was abused. You maybe could do with specialist counselling.

User135644 · 10/04/2023 08:22

hidadsoup · 09/04/2023 23:13

No it’s not a healthy relationship. It’s a strange thing to come to terms with the extent of our fucked-upness but since being on mumsnet I have had more insight into how ‘normal’ relationships work.

termination is not something I or he would consider.

@FatFilledTrottyPuss i did question him on the feminine comment, he deflected as usual, I have considered that he may be gaslighting sometimes but then I am confronted with my own abusive ways and it just looks like we are as bad as each other really

Yeah, you both have similar behaviour, but like usually attracts like.

At least you recognise your behaviour, but it's a shit show of a marriage/relationship.

IAmJob84 · 10/04/2023 08:25

Floralsquirrel · 10/04/2023 08:03

Good glad to hear you're being realistic and considering divorce.

Show quote history

' you're glad to hear'

F off and take your roasting with you

ArmchairAnarchist2 · 10/04/2023 08:26

If he was throwing things at you the consensus would be to LTB. You say you can't control it but that's not true, I'm assuming you don't throw keys at DS or your boss. Taking what you've said about his background of being abused it's likely your actions are triggering and seen as abusive but that doesn't mean he isn't doing the same to you.
This will only get worse if you don't both agree to change, get help and work on your marriage. Splitting will have a far bigger affect on you DCs than them simply being shuttled from house to house, that's a very naive way of looking at divorce. At five years in you should still be in the honeymoon phase. If it's salvageable you must both act now.
Imagine how awful it will be in twenty years if you stay together and don't both change your behaviours. You can't just fumble along, DC know, you can't hide what's going on from them. Children aren't stupid.

knittingaddict · 10/04/2023 08:53

twolilacs · 10/04/2023 00:08

@hidadsoup Have you ever heard of something called DARVO? Because I can't help wondering whether this is what he is doing to you.
It stands for Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. Please look it up and see whether anything resonates with you.

I was thinking the same thing.

I'm not convinced that the op is solely responsible for the situation. In fact I'm sure she's not. That's not just because of the sex of the op and her husband.

It would be clearer if the op made a list of what her husband does, how she reacts to that and what she does in the relationship.

Alarchbach · 10/04/2023 08:57

I’ve been in a relationship like this op. Things would build up and I’d lose my shit to the point where looking back we were just weren’t compatible at all. Luckily we were together under 2 years, never married or had kids.

Ive been married now for 11 and half years to the most amazing man. We have the occasional disagreement but it’s just completely different.

Id leave op, find yourself someone who can make you happy x

Alarchbach · 10/04/2023 08:58

Just to add that everything would be turned back on me to the point where I’d start believing it and questioning my sanity!
I don’t think it’s all you op x

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