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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My abusive tendencies have ruined my marriage

118 replies

hidadsoup · 09/04/2023 22:37

I’ve been with my husband for 5 years, married for almost 2. We have a 2yo DS and I am about 10 weeks pregnant with number 2.

DH and I have a fair amount of arguments. Unfortunately we repeat a pattern where I will tell him I’m upset because of something he has done or not done and then he will deflect it all back on me, refuse to listen and basically say,’you can’t be upset about this because you also do or don’t do this other thing’.

I’ve tried to bring his attention to it many times but he doesn’t seem able to see it or fix it. It makes me feel invalidated.

for my part I hurt him in other ways. I have called him mean names when things have been heated and yesterday I threw his shoe which was left by the door after asking many many times for him to please not leave shoes where they can be tripped over. I have thrown other things probably 3 times including once where I actually threw keys at his leg.

I know I have issues and I’ve had individual therapy and couples therapy. I guess I know what I need to do to stop my behaviour (mindfulness, catch the anger before it comes out) but I haven’t been capable of really committing to change so far.

dh and I don’t have sex, except to conceive recently we just don’t do it, it’s been an issue for me for about 3 and a half of the years we’ve been together (it’s him who won’t touch me). He does hug me and we will have a peck on the lips but that’s about it.

with all of this bullshit we somehow sort of muddle through most of the time. But dh has just let out a big revelation/confession, where he’s basically said I treat him like shit, he feels pathetic and feminine, he is scared of me. This is heartbreaking to hear, obviously I am aware that I have outbursts of abusive behaviour but he laid it all out like this and it all made sense.

the reason he won’t sleep with me, isn’t very warm, doesn’t like me to share his food or doesn’t offer me a cup of tea when he makes one , all the things that I get upset about, are all
because he holds huge contempt towards me for treating him poorly, which is of course fair enough.

we have had big make or break talks over our troubles and always end up with, we love each other, want to make it work, and perhaps most of all neither of us wants to be away from our son for any time.

but after tonight I feel it’s been a revelation and that it’s not serving either of us to keep going with this. I have just been in bits because for the first time I imagined him moving on with someone else and I actually felt happy and that that would be the right thing and what he deserves. It shocked me and I think I’ve just spent some time genuinely processing what it would mean to split.

not really sure why I’m posting other than to get it all out in one place. I know most people reading this will just say, what a shitshow, why bring another kid into this mess, which is a very good fucking question!

OP posts:
Rainbows89 · 09/04/2023 23:56

some of these replies are not helpful!!!

what Was your marriage counselling like OP? Did it help?

this sounds like a very turbulent relationship but its both of you - it’s not just you.

have you read any of the Gottman relationship stuff? They have books and there are blogs and podcasts too.

Opine · 09/04/2023 23:56

It’s disgusting that anyone would come along and breezily tell you to terminate your planned, wanted baby. I very much doubt any one of these posters would be so brazen were they not behind a keyboard.
Congratulations on your pregnancy and don’t let yourself feel that you have already failed this child by not having a perfect marriage. Shit happens and you are trying your best.

ThisIsNotAmerican · 09/04/2023 23:57

hidadsoup · 09/04/2023 23:45

In terms of wanting to/ being able
to change, while I did admit I haven’t fully committed to changing in the OP, the truth is that I also feel our problems are just too deep. In his ‘speech’ earlier DH compared me to his dad, his dad abused him very harshly, physically and mentally, and to hear that he sees me in the same light is disturbing to say the least. I’ve never laid a finger on him save the key throwing , and I have raised my voice and lost control and called him an effing twat when I’ve been triggered, but to hear he equates this with the man who beat him for years makes me feel I’ve no hope of escaping this narrative in his mind.

sorry if this would all be considered drip feeding

Show quote history

I do think in this day and age there is an increasing emphasis on emotional abuse. It is extremely damaging.

You are not compatible. He isn’t with you because he wants another baby. He is with you because he had a baby with you. He will love both his children and want them to be in his life as much as you want them in yours.

But you need to give each other space and accept that whatever counselling you receive (and I do agree it’s separate not couples counselling you need), may confirm you should remain apart.

But if you really want to break the chains of abuse, both of you should put your children first. You can create great relationships with them even when living apart. A good starting place is respect.

SunflowerTed · 09/04/2023 23:58

FatFilledTrottyPuss · 09/04/2023 23:07

He feels feminine?! WTF is that meant to mean? Does he think there’s something distasteful about females?
He sounds like a misogynist from what you’ve written here and like he treats you with contempt.
He expects you to put up and shut up while he does whatever he wants and you’re the abusive one for asking him not to leave his shoes lying around? He’s gaslighting you op. He sounds vile.

If you were a bloke would you want
to feel emasculated? Get a
grip!!!!!

Rainbows89 · 10/04/2023 00:00

I would get back into decent couples therapy asap and try and work on things because whatever happens you are going to be in each others lives for a good while yet.

he sounds fairly emotionally unavailable which is making you feel crazy.

if are unhappy about something you are supposed to bring it up and talk about it. I think the gottman couple published ‘fair fighting rules’. Some of these are things like being up one thing at a time to talk about. He can’t just stir his complaints in with yours.

SunflowerTed · 10/04/2023 00:00

Irritateandunreasonable · 09/04/2023 23:16

Can you explain how you’ve come to all of those conclusions from what OP wrote?

Show quote history

My thoughts exactly!

GlorianaCervixia · 10/04/2023 00:01

Of course living with a partner who calls him names, throws objects at him, and shouts would remind him of his abusive father. Why wouldn't it?

You said you know what you need to do to stop behaving like this, but you haven't committed. Why? Even if you think your relationship is doomed, you should still be doing the work to stop this abusive behaviour. Do you think he deserves to be treated like this on some level?

You have to address these tendencies in yourself so you don't bring them into another relationship or expose your children to them.

ThisIsNotAmerican · 10/04/2023 00:03

Yes, exactly.

VintageBlossomHill · 10/04/2023 00:06

I’m getting shades of this too. He sounds quite mean - shoes, tea etc. you’re not innocent but he doesn’t sound great either

twolilacs · 10/04/2023 00:08

@hidadsoup Have you ever heard of something called DARVO? Because I can't help wondering whether this is what he is doing to you.
It stands for Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. Please look it up and see whether anything resonates with you.

Original poster
hidadsoup · 10/04/2023 00:10

Thanks again for your comments, it’s very helpful getting some unbiased views.

respect is crucial indeed, now you’ve said it I think all our issues boil down to this, we’ve hurt each other so much that we’ve just lost respect for each other. I do think that the only next step to repair must be to acknowledge our problems and respectfully part ways.

when I feel like this I also question whether it’s a cop out on my part, and that I’m not big enough as a person to really embrace my capacity to change, but after all the shit we’ve been through I really just feel exhausted

OP posts:
dodobookends · 10/04/2023 00:10

Rainbows89 · 10/04/2023 00:00

I would get back into decent couples therapy asap and try and work on things because whatever happens you are going to be in each others lives for a good while yet.

he sounds fairly emotionally unavailable which is making you feel crazy.

if are unhappy about something you are supposed to bring it up and talk about it. I think the gottman couple published ‘fair fighting rules’. Some of these are things like being up one thing at a time to talk about. He can’t just stir his complaints in with yours.

I disagree I'm afraid. When there is any hint of abuse in a relationship, couples therapy is a really bad idea. Individual therapy yes, but not together.

Original poster
hidadsoup · 10/04/2023 00:11

@VintageBlossomHill the fact is that both of us are very flawed people, however he doesn’t treat me the way I sometimes treat him

OP posts:
CrapBucket · 10/04/2023 00:14

You don’t sound very well suited. I have a suspicion that he is gay and doesn’t know how to tell you. Take care of yourself, it is hard being pregnant in a bad marriage - wishing you luck and a better future.

ThisIsNotAmerican · 10/04/2023 00:15

@hidadsoup Off course you are big enough to change. And change you must. But you have to do it in your time at your speed given your immediate position. You will work your way through, but the two of you need to work positively on your split. Separations do not have to be messy. They can be sad, scary, difficult, but are sometimes the start of the healing process. Don’t think for one moment separating has to be dramatic. If you both put your children first you will lead fulfilling separate lives.

Original poster
hidadsoup · 10/04/2023 00:18

Regarding therapy, we have seen two different couples therapists together. We didn’t really achieve anything and actually DH felt ganged up on, both were female therapists and both sort of ‘sided’ with me at various points. Both therapists commented on our ability to talk things through, which we can do well occasionally, so I think for us it was just a bit of a waste of money really. I am aware we may have had more luck with a different therapist.
my experience of individual therapy was similar though, £100/hour for not very much other than reiterating how I have the power to control my emotions by practicing mindfulness, which is valid but didn’t really help me understand why I behave the way I do

OP posts:
Original poster
hidadsoup · 10/04/2023 00:20

ThisIsNotAmerican · 10/04/2023 00:15

@hidadsoup Off course you are big enough to change. And change you must. But you have to do it in your time at your speed given your immediate position. You will work your way through, but the two of you need to work positively on your split. Separations do not have to be messy. They can be sad, scary, difficult, but are sometimes the start of the healing process. Don’t think for one moment separating has to be dramatic. If you both put your children first you will lead fulfilling separate lives.

Thank you for your comment, it has made me feel hopeful and positive that separation can be the best next step for all of our family

OP posts:
OnaBegonia · 10/04/2023 00:20

Yet again a thread where if roles were reversed everyone would be screaming LTB, but let's overlook OP name calling, throwing things and hitting her DH with them, because women are always victims here. You both sound pretty horrible and to choose to get pregnant again is the height of idiocy.

ThisIsNotAmerican · 10/04/2023 00:23

I think men can feel ‘ganged up’ on with a female therapist per se, but he will reflect on some of the things she said. I think you will get more out of a GP referral to an NHS therapist but you may need to wait a little while. It’s not because it’s free, but in my experience with deep-rooted issues they have the better results.

Original poster
hidadsoup · 10/04/2023 00:28

twolilacs · 10/04/2023 00:08

@hidadsoup Have you ever heard of something called DARVO? Because I can't help wondering whether this is what he is doing to you.
It stands for Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. Please look it up and see whether anything resonates with you.

I had seen the acronym floating around, very interesting as that’s exactly how it feels when I come to DH with a problem.

it’s like he has an automatic defence system when it comes to his shortcomings, the second any problem I have relates to him he shuts down and deflects, but when I have an issue with something totally unrelated to him he is able to listen and sympathise. It’s such a shame

OP posts:
ThisIsNotAmerican · 10/04/2023 00:33

OnaBegonia · 10/04/2023 00:20

Yet again a thread where if roles were reversed everyone would be screaming LTB, but let's overlook OP name calling, throwing things and hitting her DH with them, because women are always victims here. You both sound pretty horrible and to choose to get pregnant again is the height of idiocy.

I think OP is probably a victim here, but it’s roots are in her past, well before meeting her DH and having children.

I don’t detect many people letting OP off. I believe she knows what she has done, is capable of doing, and wants to make changes. Her DH also needs to change, but I suspect it’s only a subtle message he needs to receive to unlock that. Quite simply, it’s ok to separate and still have a relationship with his children and a great life. It doesn’t all come in the conformed style he has been told it should be.

JudgeRudy · 10/04/2023 00:35

Irritateandunreasonable · 09/04/2023 23:16

Can you explain how you’ve come to all of those conclusions from what OP wrote?

Show quote history

I didn't come to those conclusions either. Im pretty sure he means emasculated. I'm female so not something I have experience of but it must feel pretty bad. I would hate to feel like I'd been stripped of my womanhood.

JudgeRudy · 10/04/2023 00:39

Are either of you big drinkers? You sound like a couple of alcoholics on our street when I was a teen. She used to screech and belt him. He would cower and she would follow him like George & Mildred

creaamontop · 10/04/2023 00:46

Sounds like he's gaslighting you to me, and you're reacting in a not so nice way. Either way, it's toxic, you bring out the worst in each-other and need to go your separate ways. I reacted to my ex like this and went to counselling and apologised while he made me out to be the monster. 18 months post separation and 8 months into a new relationship, I realise it wasn't me, I am capable of a healthy half of a wonderful relationship, and that he was not my lobster, and your husband isn't yours.

Original poster
hidadsoup · 10/04/2023 00:46

@JudgeRudy yes, emasculated. I’m sure it’s awful for him, I could really sense his pain when he told me. And of course it’s awful for our marriage because it results in him being basically repulsed by me.

re alcohol DH has a beer or two most nights. I’ve never really been much of a drinker

OP posts: