New Man - feel weird and awkward after last night.

[EasterEggs22]

Morning all. I’ve been following the relationships board for a while now and have seen some great advice given to others, so I’m hoping you can all help me too. Hopefully this makes sense..

I recently started seeing/meeting up with a man that I met off tinder around a month ago. Very early days I know. For context, I’m 26 and he’s 32, no kids and both work full time. We’ve met around 9-10 times at various locations for walks, food and coffee dates (last night was the first time at my house) as we live over an hour away from each other, but both of us drive so it’s not really an issue. We get on very well, have lots in common, he makes me laugh, seems really kind and sweet (last night he turned up with a bunch of flowers and an Easter egg in hand). I do like him and have enjoyed spending time with him over the last few weeks.

Last night didn’t go to plan at all and I’ve woken up this morning feeling really disappointed about it. He was working until 1pm and then decided to go and play golf with a friend for a few hours afterwards. He didn’t actually get to my house until 8pm. I’d gone out to the shops and bought us some bits to have for tea, so I was just waiting around for him. By the time he arrived it was too late to actually do anything other than have food and watch a film. I wrongly presumed that he was staying the night as he didn’t arrive until late, had a long drive back and also brought a bag filled with clothes. We went up to bed around 10 and had sex for the first time. For context, I’m not on any contraceptives at the minute as I’ve been single for 3 years and haven’t had sex in over a year, so I bought some condoms yesterday just in case.

I explained this to him before we started having sex and he put a condom on. We got a bit carried away and (sorry, TMI) he took the condom off in between us having sex so I could give him a blowjob but we stupidly forgot/didn’t put the condom back on to have sex again. He pulled out to ejaculate, but I know that there is pre ejaculation to consider. He was in a panic straight afterwards, saying he was worried I might get pregnant, he’s not ready for kids yet. I told him I would buy the morning after pill (ordered it online in front of him) and said try not to worry. He told me that he’d dated/slept with women in the past who lied and said they were pregnant just to keep the relationship going, so he was worried it might happen again (I won’t lie, this comment pissed me off because it felt like he was accusing me of doing something like that). For context, I don’t want kids yet either. I actually became pregnant when I was 15 with my first boyfriend and suffered a miscarriage at 12 weeks. It changed my life and I’ve always said I don’t want kids until I’ve met the right person/been with them a long time. Even though this is very personal to me and I don’t talk about it very often, if ever, I told him as I thought it might reassure him that I don’t want children yet and that I’m not out to trap him with a baby or whatever he was thinking. This wasn’t good enough though as he just kept going on about it all night, even though I’d done everything I could (ordering the pill) in that moment.

Anyway, the rest of the night was so bloody awkward. We just lay in bed watching tv, barely spoke a word to each other, other than him asking me about when the shop would be open again so I could pick up the pill. He didn’t even touch me/cuddle me after sex, and then announced at 11 that he was going home as he needed to be up early the next morning to visit his cousin. I told him he could stay over and just get up earlier if that was easier but he said he didn’t want to wake me up really early. I think that was an excuse though just so he could get out. I’ve woken up this morning to an email from the doctor at Superdrug authorising the order but it won’t be available until Tuesday to collect. I naively thought it would be ready by tomorrow, and I’m due to go away tomorrow night for work and won’t be back until late Tuesday evening, so I have sent a message to the doctor explaining all of this. The only thing I can do is go in there tomorrow to see if I can speak to someone, and maybe try Boots as well.

I’ve told him all of this, and we have been speaking as normal today but it still feels really awkward. It’s not the way I thought the night would go, especially since it was our first time having sex. But I do understand his worries. I wonder if he feels awkward too. I’m also concerned that every time we’ve met up it’s always been during the evening for a few hours. Not that I think he’s after me for just sex, because we’ve spent time doing other things too, but he always goes out with his friends after work and then meets me in the evening for a few hours. Today he’s gone out with his friend, and tomorrow he’s decided to take an extra shift at work, and didn’t bother to ask me what I was doing/or if I wanted to do anything with him. I’ve only just noticed this because I normally work until 5pm, so meeting up at night has worked really well for us so far, but I’ve been off work this week and it’s been the same thing. I’m worried it will be like this on weekends, and I don’t want a relationship where we just see each other for a few hours at night. I want to go out and do things together during the day as well. He has been really trying this morning to keep the conversation going, but I’m worried he’s just doing that until I get the pill and then he’s going to end things. Should I get in there first and let him know I don’t think it’s going to work out, but will obviously let him know when I’ve collected and taken the tablet? I do really like him, and feel so disappointed it’s ended up like this.

Sorry, this thread is a lot longer than I expected but I didn’t want to drip feed and there are a few issues to think about.

TIA

A surprising number of "only hoooors have sex for fun" attitudes on here. My Irish granny would be so proud.

@KettrickenSmiled You know grown ups can choose to have caring, trusting, respectful sex with each other, without falling in love

Maybe some can, but I've never met any of them.🙄

I went to an archaeological museum before reading this thread and some of the replies made me wonder for a minute if a Roman statue had followed me out and started pontificating about sex from 4BC.

Of course two consenting adults can have sex outside of a relationship, with no love involved, that is still mutually enjoyable and respectful. It’s very demeaning to women to suggest we have no agency in how we want to conduct ourselves sexually and casual sex is always bad for us even when it’s our choice.

@KettrickenSmiled It's sad that you think an adult, mutually satisfying, predominantly sexual relationship precludes care, trust or respect & must always be objectifying.

And it's sad that you need to be so patronising to someone whose opinions are different to yours.

Having sex mutually desired sex with a person doesn't objectify them.

No. But engaging in sex without an emotional basis does. It treats others as a collection of body parts for sexual gratification.
Sexual contact produces the bonding hormone called oxytocin that leads to emotional bonding/connection, but "sealed-off", impersonal, detached sex works against that. When emotional connection is missing, partners become overwhelmed with feelings of insecurity, rejection, isolation, and deprivation. This shuts the door to eroticism. If 'sealed off sex' has become the norm in a relationship, desire will wane, boredom will creep in and it is time for the participants to question the lack of emotional connection.

You've never met anyone capable of having sex without either falling in love at one or horribly objectifying the other person?

Because there's an incredible number of possibilities that fall into a spectrum between the two.

It's perfectly possible to have sex with somebody you (not literally you, but 'one' obviously) respect, trust and value without wanting to have a long term relationship with them.

Absolutely bizarre you don't think people can have sex without either falling in love or horribly objectifying each other.

@monsteramunch Absolutely bizarre you don't think people can have sex without either falling in love or horribly objectifying each other.

Men are very good at the above. Women not so much.

Please see my previous post about oxytocin.

But not everyone wants to have emotional bonding connecting sex every time. Sometimes people just want to fuck. For themselves, not for a relationship or a future or love. Just for the O.

This is another rather patronising post in response to another point of view and it is also factually incorrect..

In 4 BC in Ancient Rome, women had no rights and were regarded lesser people. Rome did not regard women as equal to men before the law. They received only a basic education, if any at all, and were subject to the authority of a man. Traditionally, this was their father before marriage. At that point, authority switched to their husband, who also had the legal rights over their children.
Not much information exists about Roman women in the first century. Women were not allowed to be active in politics, so nobody wrote about them. Neither were they taught how to write, so they could not tell their own stories.

It’s very demeaning to women to suggest we have no agency in how we want to conduct ourselves sexually and casual sex is always bad for us even when it’s our choice.

I don't think I actually postulated that ^, I just pointed out the pitfalls of such activity.

Q. How many threads do we see on MN from females with the complaint that they had sex with a man and then never heard from him again?
A. Dozens.

So there are a lot of women out there who can't deal with this scenario.

Did you manage to get your pills OP? Have you heard anymore from the guy?

Most of us are well aware of it the release of oxytocin as part of sex. Nobody has denied the biological consequences of sex and orgasms.

But you claimed you have 'never met' any adults who 'can choose to have caring, trusting, respectful sex with each other, without falling in love'.

That is what I said is utterly bizarre and what others also find it difficult to believe.

You've never met a single adult who can choose to have caring, trusting, respectful sex without falling in love? Goodness. Seems a bit unlikely to me.

@monsteramunch You've never met a single adult who can choose to have caring, trusting, respectful sex without falling in love? Goodness. Seems a bit unlikely to me.

No I haven't.

I was single for 15 years in between divorcing (D)H 1 and marrying DH2.

In that time I was friendly with many women. Some of them had affairs with married man. Some had FWB. Some dated. Some had casual sex, some didn't.

In all cases, if sex was involved, as the associations went on they ended up falling in love with the guys, even if that wasn't the primary intention. (Apart from the one-night-stands because no-one stuck around long enough to explore those !)

So I spent 15 years seeing a trail of broken hearts.

Those that faired the best emotionally, were those women who evaluated the guys as a long term partner before sleeping with them. They made it clear from the get-go that they wanted a long-term relationship with love, care, trust and respect. Guys that weren't on the same page soon scarpered.

How bizarre.

I know plenty of people who ‘can choose to have caring, trusting, respectful sex with each other, without falling in love'

As someone who has been part lf the swinging scene for many years probably more than most, but even among friends and family it’s not uncommon.

@ilikeyarn Right on.

Is it a joke, or do you seriously believe that women should vet every man they choose to shag for marriage? If so - why? Are you aware that not every woman wants marriage? Or that some women just want a nice easy FWB?

I don't think that usually tends to end well, at least the 'FWB' (aka someone is usually using someone for sex in a bad way) thing. (I know this from many experiences.)

And if people don't want to marry it's usually due to unpleasant past experiences one way or another.

You can think it 'bizarre' if you want.

I can only speak from my own experience.

If you choose not to believe that, that's up to you.🙄

That's very unusual indeed.

🤷🏻‍♀️

@monsteramunch That's very unusual indeed.

Maybe to you.

But if you were part of the 'swinging scene' then you are operating within different parameters.
What you see as 'normal' may not be what other people see as 'normal'.

So please stop making out that people who have different ideas, viewpoints/boundaries to yourself as being odd/unusual/wrong/stuffy etc.

I haven't read the full thread but you are both responsible for 'forgetting' to put on another condom. He is obviously worried because getting and taking the MAP is out of his control. It sounds like getting hold of it has been a real faff for you but it's your fault as well.

I don't think he's unreasonable for having friends and a social life outside of your very new relationship.

If you want things to progress I would speak honestly about how things have been a bit awkward and you'll have to be more careful next time if there is a next time. But I'm failing to see how he's the bad guy in all this.

I can only speak from my own experience.

Well, quite.
PP have tried to get you to accept that your experience is far from univesral, but you seemed so trapped by your world view that you cannot see how narrow it is.

And it's sad that you need to be so patronising to someone whose opinions are different to yours.

You have the sauce to level a hypocritcal "patronising" accusation at someone, while maintaining a stance that you know what's best for half the population, & that women are unable to have autonomous, mutually satisfying sexual relationships without falling helplessly in love?

Pull the other one.

That's very unusual indeed.

@monsteramunch To say most of people who date/have extra-marital sex's love life is depressing? Not really. After all, the more that people date, usually the more break-ups they're going to have.

Every relationship ends in separation or death.

All of this plus OP needs to calm down on the drama!!!!

You don't think it's very unusual to have never met an adult "able to choose to have caring, trusting, respectful sex without falling in love"?

Oh and not all sex ends in a relationship because that's not always the goal!

Sexual contact produces the bonding hormone called oxytocin that leads to emotional bonding/connection, but "sealed-off", impersonal, detached sex works against that.
😂No it doesn't. Oxytocin is produced by sexual excitement. Also by exercise. So it's hardly 'love'-specific. Show me a single study that proves otherwise.

When emotional connection is missing, partners become overwhelmed with feelings of insecurity, rejection, isolation, and deprivation.
Er yeah.
Tell it to a billion people who've enjoyed no-strings sex, & not looked back.

This shuts the door to eroticism.
Is that a fact?

If 'sealed off sex' has become the norm in a relationship, desire will wane, boredom will creep in and it is time for the participants to question the lack of emotional connection.
Some people find eroticism in new partners, or the mutual lack of requirement to commit. Some couples continue to find each other sexy, some don't. Hence the multiple threads on here "He's a good man, I love him, but I just don't fancy having sex with him any more."
Loving somebody doesn't guarantee good sex.
Any more than having no-strings sex makes for bad sex.

You seem to have no understanding of the nuances of human sexual & romantic behaviour. Whatever floats your boat is fine for you & your husband/partner. But you just don't have the experience to be setting yourself up to lecture PP. You claim to have never even met a woman who doesn't think as you do, which is a ridiculously parochial mindset. And other viewpoints alarm you so much you have to deny they exist.