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Original poster

Could my husband be gay?

84 replies

Jbj8988 · 05/04/2023 12:11

This is something I've been wondering about ...me and my husband have never had a great sex life. I always thought he was a bit shy at first and would maybe 'warm up' as time went on but he never did really. Obviously there are lots of other positives which led to us getting married and having children.

Reasons I think he could be:

  • Never seemed interested in sex ...quite mechanical and detached during sex, no eye contact, no passion, acts like he could take it or leave it. As soon as we have sex he wants to shower and admits he says he feels ashamed but he doesn't know why
  • He admitted to me that he sometimes watches porn of men masturbating (he had had a lot to drink when he told me this!)...he said it's not because he fancies the men but more he imagines himself being them
  • He admitted he's interested in using sex toys on himself during masturbating (as in prostate stimulators) but would never allow me to do this with him
  • He has a hobby which is almost exclusively played by men and spends a lot of time lately with a young man 20 years younger than him....this man has a girlfriend but my first impression was that he was gay...they've been away on weekends together to play this game and I just have a weird feeling about it. When I've seem them together I almost detect a giggly awkardness...it's hard to explain.

Counter to the above he does seem to be obsessed with boobs so who knows! I just feel like something isn't quite right.

OP posts:
ToBeOrNotToBee · 05/04/2023 12:16

Most likely bicurious and good possibility of being bisexual. Could be gay but this is something you'd only know if he told you.

You could explore prostate orgasms, massagers with him if you're comfortable.

The friendship with the younger team mate would concern me, and would be something I'd be keeping my eye on, could be nothing, but there's a reason it's got your back up.

LaundryAllDay · 05/04/2023 12:23

Have you sat down and asked him?

Original poster
Jbj8988 · 05/04/2023 12:24

I haven't asked him but probably need to...we have two young children and I feel like this conversation could be the beginning of the end I suppose and not sure I'm ready for that yet.

OP posts:
MeMyBooksAndMyCats · 05/04/2023 12:27

Just come out and ask him, you may not be ready for the end but it's not fair to keep a gay man in a straight relationship.

TriggeredByGravy · 05/04/2023 12:28

Sounds like Brokeback Mountain to me op - but like others have said you need to ask him

TriggeredByGravy · 05/04/2023 12:29

@MeMyBooksAndMyCats

sounds like he's keeping HIMSELF in a straight marriage

Colourfingers2 · 05/04/2023 12:30

Did he go to a Catholic school and was he educated by Nuns because if the answer to either of those two is yes his problem is not gayness it is guilt, sexually repressed guilt and he needs therapy to get rid of it.

Choconut · 05/04/2023 12:31

MeMyBooksAndMyCats · 05/04/2023 12:27

Just come out and ask him, you may not be ready for the end but it's not fair to keep a gay man in a straight relationship.

Not fair to keep him in a straight relationship? Are you for real?

Poor man obviously can't possibly be expected to take any responsibility for himself.

BevMarsh · 05/04/2023 12:40

The watching men masturbating just screams to me that he's gay.

This young hobby guy and the giggly awkwardness makes me feel that if he's not already experimenting with him then he soon will be.

Original poster
Jbj8988 · 05/04/2023 12:40

Another thing is he just seems to be extremely uncomfortable even talking about sex...when we first got together I worked away a lot so we only saw each other every other weekend and I would try to send him photos or talk about missing sex etc and he just would send embarrassed face emojis and act like I was sex mad or something....the sort of thing which has been normal in other relationships especially at the start. I suppose he could be repressed rather than gay...no catholic upbringing or anything but he did live with a very overbearing mum and sister. I wondered if being the only male / having little privacy made him clam up.

OP posts:
Sarvanga38 · 05/04/2023 12:43

MeMyBooksAndMyCats · 05/04/2023 12:27

Just come out and ask him, you may not be ready for the end but it's not fair to keep a gay man in a straight relationship.

😂😂😂

God, this place is mad.

Southeastdweller · 05/04/2023 12:44

Straight men don't watch gay porn.

It'll be a tough conversation to have, but the more you delay it the more the not knowing will eat you up and affect your wellbeing.

BabyDogs · 05/04/2023 12:48

yeah he could be gay

memyselfi · 05/04/2023 12:57

Based on what you've said I'd think , yes , probably.

liveforsummer · 05/04/2023 13:19

Southeastdweller · 05/04/2023 12:44

Straight men don't watch gay porn.

It'll be a tough conversation to have, but the more you delay it the more the not knowing will eat you up and affect your wellbeing.

Why? Plenty straight women do. I think the the suppressed guilt angle is possible too although the friendship is the little spanner in the works there. One to keep an eye on

JenniferBooth · 05/04/2023 13:28

@MeMyBooksAndMyCats its wrong for someone to deceive someone else which is what the OPs DH has done to her if he is gay. OP deserves a decent love life with someone who is wild about her and she is not getting that here.

Ive been on MN for twelve years and one or two posts do tend to stick in the mind and one i remember from the feminism board was someone posting that gay men have come further in 50 years than women have in 150 years.

defi · 05/04/2023 13:31

The signs are there

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 05/04/2023 13:32

Never seemed interested in sex ...quite mechanical and detached during sex, no eye contact, no passion, acts like he could take it or leave it. As soon as we have sex he wants to shower and admits he says he feels ashamed but he doesn't know why

This to me says more likely sexual trauma of some sort.

MrsJackWhicher · 05/04/2023 13:37

I wonder the same about my bf for similar reasons. I have asked him outright and he says he isn't. He is obsessed with having what he considers to be a small penis so I do think his lack of sexual experience is due to him being aftraid of rejection. Before me he only had sex with his ex wife who was also a virgin and after the second child told him she was asexual.
He is very fastidious and clean and only really touches me intimately when he has had a lot to drink and is embarrassed talking about sex otherwise. No oral though he likes to receive it. Rarely orgasms with me and rarely initiates penetration. He loves me touching his prostate (he has never had that before with anyone and I do wonder if now he will experiment with toys on his own.)
Writing this down makes me wonder why I. stay...

.

AmandaHoldensLips · 05/04/2023 13:44

Lots of gay men deny their sexuality. Some of them probably don't even realise (or cannot admit to themselves) that they are gay.

I have two such men in my extended family. Both married with kids. Both definitely gay.

It's more common than people might think.

dottiedodah · 05/04/2023 13:45

He could be ,or just curious I suppose .The thing is you seem scared to ask him outright in case you dont like his answer! As he has always been this way ,it seems strange that he would knowingly marry a woman.He will probably deny it ,but the fact of going for WE with a younger male seems odd to say the least!

TheShellBeach · 05/04/2023 13:50

Well, my first husband turned out to be gay and we had two children before splitting up.
From what you've said it sounds highly likely that your husband is gay.
You need to ask him, OP.
I'd also put money on him having had sex with the younger man.

Tradeup · 05/04/2023 13:51

@Colourfingers2 the days of children being educated by nuns in Western countries is long past. I don’t know if you have noticed but the amount of Catholic women choosing to be nuns these days is minuscule and the average age of nuns in the West is late 70s & 80s. You are about 50 years out of date.

Tradeup · 05/04/2023 13:54

@Jbj8988 I am amazed you decided to marry to a man who is “detached” during sex with “no passion or eye contact”. It seems like the pair of you have been in deep denial.

Antiquiteas · 05/04/2023 14:11

Southeastdweller · 05/04/2023 12:44

Straight men don't watch gay porn.

It'll be a tough conversation to have, but the more you delay it the more the not knowing will eat you up and affect your wellbeing.

I really think this is true. A straight man has no desire at all to see another man jerking off.

He may be gay, he may be bi. Trust your gut. If he’s cheating on you with this other man, that is very much not ok. But you need to talk to him.