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Original poster

Could my husband be gay?

84 replies

Jbj8988 · 05/04/2023 12:11

This is something I've been wondering about ...me and my husband have never had a great sex life. I always thought he was a bit shy at first and would maybe 'warm up' as time went on but he never did really. Obviously there are lots of other positives which led to us getting married and having children.

Reasons I think he could be:

  • Never seemed interested in sex ...quite mechanical and detached during sex, no eye contact, no passion, acts like he could take it or leave it. As soon as we have sex he wants to shower and admits he says he feels ashamed but he doesn't know why
  • He admitted to me that he sometimes watches porn of men masturbating (he had had a lot to drink when he told me this!)...he said it's not because he fancies the men but more he imagines himself being them
  • He admitted he's interested in using sex toys on himself during masturbating (as in prostate stimulators) but would never allow me to do this with him
  • He has a hobby which is almost exclusively played by men and spends a lot of time lately with a young man 20 years younger than him....this man has a girlfriend but my first impression was that he was gay...they've been away on weekends together to play this game and I just have a weird feeling about it. When I've seem them together I almost detect a giggly awkardness...it's hard to explain.

Counter to the above he does seem to be obsessed with boobs so who knows! I just feel like something isn't quite right.

OP posts:
Moser85 · 05/04/2023 22:55

Link3 · 05/04/2023 21:18

This research and data is totally flawed because the men self identify as straight even though they're not. It's all PC nonsense.

I think the official term is 'men who have sex with men'.

I'm also quietly amused at the posters suggesting the problem can be easily resolved by the OP simply asking her partner. A cheater is a cheater. Gay or straight.

And a gay man who has chosen to marry a heterosexual woman is as likely to want to stay married to that heterosexual woman as not

OP, you are asking the question, so you probably already have the answer. I'm sorry.

Yes it is! I think that term is fine in some contexts, but problematic in others so I don't personally use it, and I definitely don't use it to provide proof or evidence that straight men can have still enjoy some gay sex from time to time 😅which it unfortunately is often used for which is just ridiculous.

Totally agree that OP is unlikely to get an honest answer if he is in fact cheating!

FionaBeee · 06/04/2023 15:05

purpleblossom2021 · 05/04/2023 15:09

@Jbj8988 Sadly, I could have written this OP. Married for 24 years, two kids but sex dwindled quickly and he never used to look me in eyes etc. I often joked and asked if he was gay but he denied it.
At the end of the 24 years he came out as a transvestite. He'd hidden this all our marriage and admitted that he secretly used anal toys (he never wanted this with me during our love making).
We are divorced and even his mother made a passing comment that she thought he was gay.

Jeez! this was me exactly! even down to the timeframe of the marriage!

goodf · 16/04/2023 17:09

I agree with @TheShellBeach, there are a few red flags and i strongly suspect he has already had sex with the younger male friend.

Obviously OP what you do next is up to you. I suggest getting yourself regularly STI tested as a precaution if you decide to stay with him xX

Onestep1 · 17/04/2023 16:44

If you are writing it down and are considering that he may be I would ask him . Life is too short . But have a respectful conversation as another person noted there could be more to this but if you think he is cheating on you - m/f it doesn’t matter you need to ask him .

take care

Speedweed · 17/04/2023 16:53

Op, what do you want to do? You could stay in the marriage if he's a nice man and you're good friends and happy otherwise, even on a platonic basis.

The question of whether your marriage is working for you is separate really to whether he's gay or not - you might split up and then discover he's got into another relationship with a woman. Some people just don't want to come out.

What I would say is to trust your instinct- if you think he is, he probably is, whatever label anyone puts on it.

Borntobeamum · 17/04/2023 17:25

Sound more gay than straight to me.

FannyPhart · 17/04/2023 19:02

He likes watching videos of men wanking because he imagines himself being them? Yeah that's what mirrors are for. I'm calling bs on that one I'm afraid

KnittingDiva · 17/04/2023 20:51

FannyPhart · 17/04/2023 19:02

He likes watching videos of men wanking because he imagines himself being them? Yeah that's what mirrors are for. I'm calling bs on that one I'm afraid

Sorry that made me LOL.
Sounds gay to me although wouldn't be sure about the affair, sounds like they're in the flirty stage. Just ask him straight out, he might be relieved.

piedbeauty · 17/04/2023 20:54

MeMyBooksAndMyCats · 05/04/2023 12:27

Just come out and ask him, you may not be ready for the end but it's not fair to keep a gay man in a straight relationship.

What?? Surely it's not down to OP? If her h is gay, it's up to him to tell her and deal with things like an adult.

Unbelievable 🙄

Kissedbyfire1 · 17/04/2023 20:55

Tradeup · 05/04/2023 13:51

@Colourfingers2 the days of children being educated by nuns in Western countries is long past. I don’t know if you have noticed but the amount of Catholic women choosing to be nuns these days is minuscule and the average age of nuns in the West is late 70s & 80s. You are about 50 years out of date.

Eh? I’m convent educated as are loads of people I know. The nuns ran our school into the 90s.

Irritateandunreasonable · 17/04/2023 20:57

Colourfingers2 · 05/04/2023 12:30

Did he go to a Catholic school and was he educated by Nuns because if the answer to either of those two is yes his problem is not gayness it is guilt, sexually repressed guilt and he needs therapy to get rid of it.

But of a reach.

FuckNuggets · 17/04/2023 21:06

Tradeup · 05/04/2023 13:51

@Colourfingers2 the days of children being educated by nuns in Western countries is long past. I don’t know if you have noticed but the amount of Catholic women choosing to be nuns these days is minuscule and the average age of nuns in the West is late 70s & 80s. You are about 50 years out of date.

@Tradeup I was educated by nuns in my Catholic school. I'm not THAT old, I'm only 44. Today the school is still run by and most of the teachers are still nuns.

Toohardtofindaproperusername · 17/04/2023 21:17

How do YOU feel in,this relationship ? What are you,getting from it? What do you want?
He can hide or deny,his sexuality from himself and others ..and if he is doing rhat, asking him won't necessarily give you the answer unless you are extremely close and safe with each other in other ways. But let him do whatever he eats in that respect. Juts ask yourself whether you want a partner who cuts off from you when he has sex with you and who you think may be gay. You donr have to know any more .... you know enough.

Toohardtofindaproperusername · 17/04/2023 21:18

But in answer to your question yes he could be gay.

brunettemic · 17/04/2023 22:51

Th only thing there that points to him potentially being gay is the gay porn thing. The others? I don’t see them as indicators he’s gay. You do need to talk to him though and it sounds like it will be a difficult one, he may not know himself, especially if he’s been repressed about sex for some reason.

Pebstk · 17/04/2023 22:54

MeMyBooksAndMyCats · 05/04/2023 12:27

Just come out and ask him, you may not be ready for the end but it's not fair to keep a gay man in a straight relationship.

It’s hardly fair for a gay man to pretend to be straight and marry a woman!!!

OscarsAmmonite · 17/04/2023 23:03

IAmJob84 · 05/04/2023 20:08

I'm 38 and was educated during my primary and secondary years in a catholic school ran by nuns. I also think it has passed on ' Catholic gulit' around sex and intimacy.

Show quote history

I must be the only nun educated Catholic with no guilt around sex then 😁

OscarsAmmonite · 17/04/2023 23:04

OP trust your gut feeling. I'm so sorry for what you are going through 💐

Joewessex · 18/04/2023 13:45

There is a lot of naivety in the replies OP.

I would just ask him and explain what you have to us. Doesn’t matter what anyone replies, only your husband can answer your questions.

For the record and as a man, I find celebrities and make models attractive but it doesn’t make me want to have sex with them. Growing up I’ve felt that I wanted to be x or y.

Your husband might have a kink or interest but it might not mean he is gay. We are all on a spectrum that can change over the years and he could just be a bit more fluid with some elements of his sexuality. Still doesn’t make him gay.

cockblocktoys · 07/06/2023 15:25

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Whataretalkingabout · 07/06/2023 16:55

@Pebstk "It's hardly fair for a gay man to pretend to be straight and marry a woman. "
What is fair in life?? I personally know three women who had been married over 20 years with children when their husbands came out gay.

They maybe didn't know they were when younger? Never learned the details to tell the truth.

Whatliesbeneath707 · 07/06/2023 20:09

There is lots of research that says people watch the porn that doesn't align to their preferences. Straight women watch lesbian porn & straight men watch other men. I don't think this is a good indicator in your situation.

I would say you need to sensitively but directly ask him.

CreationNat1on · 07/06/2023 20:25

I m veering on he is gay, and this young friends giggly, grayish nature is liberating for him to be around and the youthful openness to multiple sexual categorisations is appealing to him. I m going to guess he ll be coming out shortly.

Cataholicartist75 · 09/09/2023 08:35

OP have you an update on what you have decided to do and did you learn any more from your husband. I am interested because I am in a similar situation.

Gwenhwyfar · 09/09/2023 08:43

AmandaHoldensLips · 05/04/2023 13:44

Lots of gay men deny their sexuality. Some of them probably don't even realise (or cannot admit to themselves) that they are gay.

I have two such men in my extended family. Both married with kids. Both definitely gay.

It's more common than people might think.

I don't think it's common for them not to even realise they're gay. Men tend to know from a young age - seems different for women. Not admitting it is a different matter.

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