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Original poster

Could my husband be gay?

84 replies

Jbj8988 · 05/04/2023 12:11

This is something I've been wondering about ...me and my husband have never had a great sex life. I always thought he was a bit shy at first and would maybe 'warm up' as time went on but he never did really. Obviously there are lots of other positives which led to us getting married and having children.

Reasons I think he could be:

  • Never seemed interested in sex ...quite mechanical and detached during sex, no eye contact, no passion, acts like he could take it or leave it. As soon as we have sex he wants to shower and admits he says he feels ashamed but he doesn't know why
  • He admitted to me that he sometimes watches porn of men masturbating (he had had a lot to drink when he told me this!)...he said it's not because he fancies the men but more he imagines himself being them
  • He admitted he's interested in using sex toys on himself during masturbating (as in prostate stimulators) but would never allow me to do this with him
  • He has a hobby which is almost exclusively played by men and spends a lot of time lately with a young man 20 years younger than him....this man has a girlfriend but my first impression was that he was gay...they've been away on weekends together to play this game and I just have a weird feeling about it. When I've seem them together I almost detect a giggly awkardness...it's hard to explain.

Counter to the above he does seem to be obsessed with boobs so who knows! I just feel like something isn't quite right.

OP posts:
Newnamenewname109870 · 05/04/2023 14:14

Southeastdweller · 05/04/2023 12:44

Straight men don't watch gay porn.

It'll be a tough conversation to have, but the more you delay it the more the not knowing will eat you up and affect your wellbeing.

What, because straight women don’t watch lesbian porn? I think you’ll be surprised how many people are actually bicurious in reality.

The issue is the shame. You can talk about this more openly and get him to feel like these feelings are ok and how you feel about them. How would you feel if he was bi?

Wha · 05/04/2023 14:41

Southeastdweller · 05/04/2023 12:44

Straight men don't watch gay porn.

It'll be a tough conversation to have, but the more you delay it the more the not knowing will eat you up and affect your wellbeing.

But, they do though. Read an article by a psychologist a while back that mentioned this, it’s surprisingly common for straight men to explore gay porn.

Anyway. OP we can’t tell you if he is gay/bi. But, what is definitely clear from your post is that he is into sex toys / prostate play but not letting his wife be involved in his sexual play. That ain’t cool. I suspect he’s just extremely uptight, or has a Madonna-whore complex and thinks he should only have boring sex with his wife. Try producing a sex toy during sex and see if you can get him interested. If he doesn’t wanna play with it, do so yourself.

If he has no interest in his wife playing with sex toys then yep probably gay.

If he reacts angrily to you teying to introduce tigs then ask him to go to couples counselling with you (or alone) to explore why he won’t let his wife fully into his sex life.

Wha · 05/04/2023 14:42

(Introduce toys. Not ‘tigs’.) 🤣

PippaF2 · 05/04/2023 14:46

It's all a bit Brokeback mountain for my liking!

Peckhaminn · 05/04/2023 14:59

Sorry OP, but he could potentially be bi-curious or gay. Lots of people are. If he's been 'straight' all his life, it's likely that he would be too ashamed to come out gay, especially depending on parents and family relationships etc.

Spending lots of time with younger men isn't too strange, but watching male porn isn't 'normal' for straight men. Majority of straight men I know wouldn't dare watch gay porn.

Women are more bi-curious than men simply because we are much more closer and affectionate with each other. You need to have a chat with him. Let him explore other ways if he feels he needs to and you can find someone else to suit your sexual needs.

purpleblossom2021 · 05/04/2023 15:09

@Jbj8988 Sadly, I could have written this OP. Married for 24 years, two kids but sex dwindled quickly and he never used to look me in eyes etc. I often joked and asked if he was gay but he denied it.
At the end of the 24 years he came out as a transvestite. He'd hidden this all our marriage and admitted that he secretly used anal toys (he never wanted this with me during our love making).
We are divorced and even his mother made a passing comment that she thought he was gay.

Southeastdweller · 05/04/2023 15:15

But, they do though. Read an article by a psychologist a while back that mentioned this, it’s surprisingly common for straight men to explore gay porn.

I don’t accept that at all. Have you got the link to the article?

thegrain · 05/04/2023 15:16

Yes or no. You'll have to ask him really

2023Hope · 05/04/2023 15:31

Sarvanga38 · 05/04/2023 12:43

😂😂😂

God, this place is mad.

Show quote history

Isn’t it just 😱😂

JKTrolling · 05/04/2023 15:54

Not many gay me are obsessed with boobs.

JKTrolling · 05/04/2023 15:55

purpleblossom2021 · 05/04/2023 15:09

@Jbj8988 Sadly, I could have written this OP. Married for 24 years, two kids but sex dwindled quickly and he never used to look me in eyes etc. I often joked and asked if he was gay but he denied it.
At the end of the 24 years he came out as a transvestite. He'd hidden this all our marriage and admitted that he secretly used anal toys (he never wanted this with me during our love making).
We are divorced and even his mother made a passing comment that she thought he was gay.

Is he gay or trans?

drpet49 · 05/04/2023 15:58

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 05/04/2023 13:32

Never seemed interested in sex ...quite mechanical and detached during sex, no eye contact, no passion, acts like he could take it or leave it. As soon as we have sex he wants to shower and admits he says he feels ashamed but he doesn't know why

This to me says more likely sexual trauma of some sort.

I agree

Passerillage · 05/04/2023 16:00

Feeling shame after (straight) sex doesn't scream gay to me though, it suggests (as someone above mentioned) that there might have been trauma or abuse in his past. The masturbating to videos of men masturbating could be related to that as well, in some roundabout way.

I wouldn't write off your marriage without gently guiding him towards therapy for whatever it is that is causing him to feel guilt and shame after sex with his wife.

mybeautifuloak · 05/04/2023 17:10

MeMyBooksAndMyCats · 05/04/2023 12:27

Just come out and ask him, you may not be ready for the end but it's not fair to keep a gay man in a straight relationship.

It's even less fair for a gay man to keep a straight woman in a relationship through deceit

Moser85 · 05/04/2023 17:25

Wha · 05/04/2023 14:41

But, they do though. Read an article by a psychologist a while back that mentioned this, it’s surprisingly common for straight men to explore gay porn.

Anyway. OP we can’t tell you if he is gay/bi. But, what is definitely clear from your post is that he is into sex toys / prostate play but not letting his wife be involved in his sexual play. That ain’t cool. I suspect he’s just extremely uptight, or has a Madonna-whore complex and thinks he should only have boring sex with his wife. Try producing a sex toy during sex and see if you can get him interested. If he doesn’t wanna play with it, do so yourself.

If he has no interest in his wife playing with sex toys then yep probably gay.

If he reacts angrily to you teying to introduce tigs then ask him to go to couples counselling with you (or alone) to explore why he won’t let his wife fully into his sex life.

Show quote history

They don't.
This research and data is totally flawed because the men self identify as straight even though they're not. It's all PC nonsense.

I'm a woman and I'm only attracted to men and my only sexual partners were men. I could self-identify as a lesbian but that doesn't mean I am one 😅

Crazykatie · 05/04/2023 17:25

As he’s been hanging around with a man 20yrs younger I would say he’s gay, if it was me I would be making preparation for a separation, if I suspected he’s screwing a man I wouldn’t be sleeping with him.

sunshinesupermum · 05/04/2023 17:39

it's not fair to keep a gay man in a straight relationship is the WRONG way round! It's not fair to keep a straight woman in a marriage where the husband is gay and she is his beard. MeMyBooksAndMyCats

IAmJob84 · 05/04/2023 20:08

Tradeup · 05/04/2023 13:51

@Colourfingers2 the days of children being educated by nuns in Western countries is long past. I don’t know if you have noticed but the amount of Catholic women choosing to be nuns these days is minuscule and the average age of nuns in the West is late 70s & 80s. You are about 50 years out of date.

I'm 38 and was educated during my primary and secondary years in a catholic school ran by nuns. I also think it has passed on ' Catholic gulit' around sex and intimacy.

JenniferBooth · 05/04/2023 20:29

Which reminds me of another old post that has stuck. The one about the woman who stayed in her unhappy marriage to keep her religious mother happy. She finally left him the day after her mothers funeral. She was in her early 70s when she finally left him.

Link3 · 05/04/2023 21:18

This research and data is totally flawed because the men self identify as straight even though they're not. It's all PC nonsense.

I think the official term is 'men who have sex with men'.

I'm also quietly amused at the posters suggesting the problem can be easily resolved by the OP simply asking her partner. A cheater is a cheater. Gay or straight.

And a gay man who has chosen to marry a heterosexual woman is as likely to want to stay married to that heterosexual woman as not

OP, you are asking the question, so you probably already have the answer. I'm sorry.

Theaxiomofequality · 05/04/2023 21:25
jake gyllenhaal films GIF

Deep down OP you know the answer.

greenel · 05/04/2023 22:28

Hmmm I would assume gay or bisexual. The real giveaway is the weird feeling you get seeing him with his younger friend - trust your intuition. Particularly if he seems gigglier, flirtier, lighter, happier around him than with you....The porn one is weird too because watching just a man masturbate feels a lot more intimate than watching two men (or a group or whatever) have sex. I can't imagine a straight man being this interested or turned on by a penis.

It might be the beginning of the end of a the lie you've had to live, and the beginning of you living a more, authentic life full of hope, true intimacy (and sex!).

greenel · 05/04/2023 22:30

And not to be grim - but I would suggest STI tests if you think there's even a small chance he's cheated on you with this friend.

Spottycarousel · 05/04/2023 22:31

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 05/04/2023 13:32

Never seemed interested in sex ...quite mechanical and detached during sex, no eye contact, no passion, acts like he could take it or leave it. As soon as we have sex he wants to shower and admits he says he feels ashamed but he doesn't know why

This to me says more likely sexual trauma of some sort.

I thought the same. He might benefit from therapy...if he would go of course.

Kanaloa · 05/04/2023 22:31

So he watches gay porn, wants to put sex toys up his bum, does not like sex with women, and is forming close flirtatious relationships with young men? Gosh, what on earth could have made you think he might be gay?

Use your common sense.

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