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Original poster

Do some men not like PIV?

128 replies

TheBlueMouse90 · 04/04/2023 10:59

Been with DH for 5 years, have a young DD together. For the past year or so our sex life has really dwindled. We very rarely have piv and our sex life mainly consists of me giving him oral. I personally enjoy giving oral sex (don't like receiving), but for my own pleasure I enjoy PIV. I've spoke to him before about the lack of PIV and things change for a short while but then fall into a rut again. There's always excuses not to do it, he's tired, sore back etc. The last time we spoke about it he admitted he just can't be bothered much of the time. The sheer selfishness around it has really began to get to me so I spoke to him again last night. When I asked directly why he didn't want sex he admitted that he doesn't really enjoy piv and never really has with exs either. He said at times he'll fancy it but mostly doesn't. He admits he has a libido (will masturbate a few times a week) bur doesn't particularly enjoy vaginal sex. Incidentally the porn he watches is nearly all lesbian or blowjobs. Very rarely would he watch heterosexual sex. He's definitely not gay/not having an affair. He says he does still fancy me and thinks I'm attractive but just doesn't want sex. He was quite taken aback at how much the lack of sex bothers me and think he now realises it may become a dealbreaker. He said he will make an effort and did intiate this morning (but of course I came on my period 🙄). I realise there is a bigger issue in regards to the selfishness/lack of consideration etc. But my question is, are there men who genuinely don't like PIV? Or do you think he's trying to spare my feelings and doesn't fancy me? To add when we do have sex, I don't take long to climax so it's not like he's spending hours trying to get the job done. He used to climax during piv but hasn't in the past year or so, we normally finish with oral. Before people chime in about death grip I'm not convinced that's an issue either

OP posts:
Original poster
TheBlueMouse90 · 04/04/2023 11:54

I'm nearly 100% sure he's not gay. Obviously I can't be completely sure but I highly doubt it, although tbh if he was, I would take it much less personally than feeling unattractive. He doesn't particularly enjoy anal, we've tried a few times over the years and although he found it ok, he wasn't a massive fan. He would watch lesbians have anal sex though, not heterosexual couples. We used to have sex between 2-3 times a week but it gradually tailed off. No major changes/stessors around that time. I've maintained the same weight from when we first met and although I'm not stunning, I still get a fair bit of attention from other men.

OP posts:
DoctorQuack · 04/04/2023 11:56

does he not even want you on top where he can lay back? If he's lazy he'll love you on top riding him.

ArcticSkewer · 04/04/2023 11:59

People can just get bored. You could still be stunning but he could be bored. Or maybe he is just lazy.

You get better orgasms by yourself, he only likes bjs, you get off on giving them, it doesn't sound a great sex life to me but you actually sound quite well matched for each other apart from the lack of 2 minutes of piv, which really seems to be about a lot more (emotional connection).

Would a different expression of emotional connection outside of the bedroom compensate?

Snowontheblow · 04/04/2023 11:59

I do think piv requires a firmer erection than receiving oral sex, and I think this could be a reason why some men prefer the oral - whether due to stress, getting older or whatever

Laurdo · 04/04/2023 12:00

If he truly doesn't enjoy PIV then why don't you suggest he uses a dildo on you? Would you be happy for him to use his hands to get you off? If he's not up for it then that probably confirms that he's just lazy and not interested in your needs and not liking PIV is just an excuse

Never known a man not to like PIV. Whenever DH and I have had to avoid PIV for contraceptive reasons etc. As much as he loves BJs he's always wishing we could do PIV. But everyone's different.

PoorOldHorse · 04/04/2023 12:03

Maybe he's just got an aversion to your genitals?

Original poster
TheBlueMouse90 · 04/04/2023 12:10

I dont think he hates piv, but it's certainly not his favourite thing to do. At times he will randomly initiate it and seem to enjoy it. But he hasn't climaxed from piv in the past year. I asked him why he used to enjoy it and do it frequently and he states he can't ever remember doing it that frequently (we did). He did go through a period of not being able to climax through piv about 4 years ago so it may be some subconscious issue from that, similar to what @fdgdfgdfgdfg experienced.

OP posts:
Botw1 · 04/04/2023 12:10

@G58

Thanks

ArcticSkewer · 04/04/2023 12:14

PoorOldHorse · 04/04/2023 12:03

Maybe he's just got an aversion to your genitals?

Is it connected to childbirth? Some men are really traumatised by witnessing childbirth, and the timings seem to match. Or possibly he never liked piv but wanted children. Now it isn't necessary.

C1N1C · 04/04/2023 12:17

Why is it selfish if a man doesn't like PIV, but when a man says his wife isn't putting out he's slammed???

It's rape/coersion if you're forcing him to do it and he's not keen.

Imagine a man coming here and saying his wife is being g selfish for not sucking him off regularly or giving him sex because she prefers kissing/massage...

Mylittlefanny · 04/04/2023 12:20

Sometimes behaviour and relationship patterns in the bedroom mirror other parts of the relationship. Does he help equally around the house, mental load etc?

Antiquiteas · 04/04/2023 12:21

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 04/04/2023 11:53

Ah yes, because gay men are famous for only watching lesbian porn

Show quote history

It was a slightly facetious remark in response to suggestions by others that he was gay…

Laurdo · 04/04/2023 12:22

C1N1C · 04/04/2023 12:17

Why is it selfish if a man doesn't like PIV, but when a man says his wife isn't putting out he's slammed???

It's rape/coersion if you're forcing him to do it and he's not keen.

Imagine a man coming here and saying his wife is being g selfish for not sucking him off regularly or giving him sex because she prefers kissing/massage...

It's not selfish if he doesn't like PIV but it is of he's not making any other effort to get her off but is expecting her to get him off.

Thesharkradar · 04/04/2023 12:27

I would be taking a lover... a very well hung fit young stud

Original poster
TheBlueMouse90 · 04/04/2023 12:28

@ArcticSkewer no I don't think it's related to childbirth, he stayed away from that end when I was giving birth! Plus we had frequent sex after DD was born. It's only the past year it's really went downhill. Very gradually at first. I do think he puts himself under a lot of pressure to "perform" with piv

OP posts:
DoctorQuack · 04/04/2023 12:29

Is he scared you'd get pregnant? was the previous children unplanned?

Botw1 · 04/04/2023 12:31

@C1N1C

Putting out?

What are you 12?

He doesn't owe her sex. She doesn't owe him blow jobs

AubadeIsIt · 04/04/2023 12:31

That's exactly what I was going to say, is it a mental blockage related to birth control?

Original poster
TheBlueMouse90 · 04/04/2023 12:34

@DoctorQuack and @AubadeIsIt I had thought that too, but he's adamant it's not that. I believe him as he could havectakeh the easy way out and said it was fear of pregnancy. It was definitely harder for him to admit he doesn't massively enjoy sex. I've the contraceptive implant it. DD was planned. I've also suggested to him he can finish elsewhere if he wants to double down on contraception

OP posts:
PARunnerGirl · 04/04/2023 12:40

Your OP and a lot of the replies make sex sound a bit selfish and transactional! I think the problem here is that “sex” with your partner doesn’t seem to be about being together as a couple and making each other feel good because that, in turn, makes you feel good. It’s so focussed on what the individual gets out of it.

My experience in a healthy relationship is that neither of you are doing anything you don’t really enjoy because that just wouldn’t turn you on. And similarly, you only really do things you know you both like because that’s what creates the best experience and makes you feel closer to each other.

Of course things can mess with this balance; health and stress are the obvious ones. But if there is open communication and things are still not balanced even after someone sharing their concerns or unhappiness (especially numerous times) then I think there might be bigger relationship problems that are manifesting themselves in your sex life. This is harder for anyone outside of the relationship to get to the bottom of quickly.

SmileyClare · 04/04/2023 12:47

In general I think selfish lovers are selfish in most other areas of their life. That in itself would be a massive turn off.

How Will this (no PIV) work if you want more dc?

Original poster
TheBlueMouse90 · 04/04/2023 13:00

@SmileyClare good point. I personally don't want anymore DC. He doesn't want any for the foreseeable but isn't ruing them out completely. Tbh the lack of sex/consideration for my happiness is one of the main reasons I don't want more children with him

OP posts:
LlynTegid · 04/04/2023 13:02

How old is he? Men get slower to finish as they get older.

Thesharkradar · 04/04/2023 13:03

AubadeIsIt · 04/04/2023 12:31

That's exactly what I was going to say, is it a mental blockage related to birth control?

Really? So he's not a selfish lazy man using his partner as a masturbation device....

housemaus · 04/04/2023 13:05

My DH would pick oral over PIV any day, tbh. But for both of us - not just him. He wouldn't be happy with a sex life where I wasn't getting what I wanted out of it - that's your issue here, not the specific act itself.

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