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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would you accept this in a relationship?

117 replies

Wouldyouaccept · 04/04/2023 07:55

If you know your partner had suffered severe childhood abuse and trauma - would you accept aspects of their personality that were shaped due to this and are negative traits ?

Therapy is ongoing and there’s full awareness of everything and an huge effort is being made but it’s not ideal. Is this a case where the person who has been abused should not be in a relationship until they are ‘better’ (what if that never full happens ?)

The issues are :
Attachment issues / fear of abandonment (leading to jealousy)
control issues

OP posts:
Number24Bus · 04/04/2023 07:58

No, sorry, I wouldn't. I would feel loads of sadness and empathy for them, but I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who is jealous and controlling, even if they had really good reason to be. That's just not the relationship I want for myself.

EVHead · 04/04/2023 08:01

That would be too much for me to deal with, so I wouldn’t get involved with that person. I have my own “stuff” going on, and I would worry that all of my energies would go into supporting the other person.

Original poster
Wouldyouaccept · 04/04/2023 08:03

It’s a very difficult situation

OP posts:
Fairislefandango · 04/04/2023 08:06

No, absolutely not. As soon as I recognised these problems I would end the relationship. Nobody owes a relationship to anyone, and a relationship should make your life better, otherwise what's the point of being in one? TbhI am very often astonished by what people wil tolerate in relationships.

GreyCarpet · 04/04/2023 08:07

No. And I speak as someone with trauma from childhood abuse.

In a nutshell, I still have some of those feelings at times but I deal with them myself. I recognise that it is my problem. It's very distressing to experience but better that than reacting from jealousy or trying to control someone else.

I practice self talk, I distract myself, I use 'logic', but I never put it onto my partner. I know sometimes I can only respond to it by being quiet. I've spoken him about this and said it's my way of dealing with my feelings and he's not to respond as though I'm passive aggressively trying to control him because I'm not. I'm self regulating. And I don't want him to do anything differently.

If someone is reacting with jealousy and trying to control you, you should never accept it. It will destroy you.

Original poster
Wouldyouaccept · 04/04/2023 08:09

Fairislefandango · 04/04/2023 08:06

No, absolutely not. As soon as I recognised these problems I would end the relationship. Nobody owes a relationship to anyone, and a relationship should make your life better, otherwise what's the point of being in one? TbhI am very often astonished by what people wil tolerate in relationships.

It’s a very long term relationship. I think as there was therapy happening at the beginning there was an expectation that things would get better…. But it hasn’t. Children involved. It seems to be a choice of either stay and make the best of it and affect one side more or split a whole family up and will that cause more emotional harm to the other partner plus children. As I said it’s so difficult but I don’t think either thought things would still be this bad and that therapy clearly can’t heal the trauma of childhood abuse

OP posts:
SoCunningYouCanStickATailOnItAndCallItAFox · 04/04/2023 08:09

Hmmmm.
Tricky one.
Some people's emotional scar tissue doesn't ever truly heal, should they never be in a relationship?
On the other hand if their coping strategies/knee jerk reactions, borne of the trauma, are damaging to you and the relationship- that isn't ok and probably not sustainable realistically either.

I think if they are a wonderful person, though damaged, recognise their own trauma and the unacceptable reactions it causes and are working on it I'd give them some grace, but there would need to be a plan, probably supported by the therapist.
So if you going out caused huge fear of abandonment but you both agree imposing that on you is not reasonable, can a strategy be put in place to relieve those feelings without detriment to you - like you make a video of you reassuring them you're only going out and you'll be back, then they have a way to relieve the distress but not by putting restrictions on you.

It could only work if the traumatised person recognised they can't really control everything and shouldn't try (will need help to achieve this in practice), and if the partner of the traumatised person recognised these feelings were real and ghastly and helped them navigate them as they occurred in a healthy way (but aren't expected to abandon all normal life things to avoid triggers).

Ultimately you want a situation where traumatised person isnt being invalidated or deliberately triggered, and partner isn't being bent out of shape by submitting to all the requirements of the trauma reaction.

Not simple though and it would need to be a special person to make it worth it. Some people might not be able to be in a romantic relationship when so badly damaged because they might not be able to work on things or won't see they need to.

Original poster
Wouldyouaccept · 04/04/2023 08:11

GreyCarpet · 04/04/2023 08:07

No. And I speak as someone with trauma from childhood abuse.

In a nutshell, I still have some of those feelings at times but I deal with them myself. I recognise that it is my problem. It's very distressing to experience but better that than reacting from jealousy or trying to control someone else.

I practice self talk, I distract myself, I use 'logic', but I never put it onto my partner. I know sometimes I can only respond to it by being quiet. I've spoken him about this and said it's my way of dealing with my feelings and he's not to respond as though I'm passive aggressively trying to control him because I'm not. I'm self regulating. And I don't want him to do anything differently.

If someone is reacting with jealousy and trying to control you, you should never accept it. It will destroy you.

But there’s huge guilt there 😞 seeing someone try so hard and knowing the things that happened . Equally at the outset feeling like ‘therapy will work so things will be getting better’ but here we are a long time on from that and it’s clear those mental scars have triggered long term issues with how they’ve developed ? Almost as if being a child in a high stress environment has wired their brain up incorrectly and made them hyper aware of ‘threats ‘

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 04/04/2023 08:12

Some people's emotional scar tissue doesn't ever truly heal, should they never be in a relationship?

Not if it is harming other people, no.

No one is owed a relationship.

Lockedinforwinter · 04/04/2023 08:13

If you stay together and their are children involved then you are just going to end up repeating the cycle with the next generation, so no. I would not stick around.

SoCunningYouCanStickATailOnItAndCallItAFox · 04/04/2023 08:14

@GreyCarpet - your approach is fantastic, so sorry you're left coping with this legacy as no one should have to, but I'm full of admiration for the way you are handling yourself.

GreyCarpet · 04/04/2023 08:15

Wouldyouaccept · 04/04/2023 08:11

But there’s huge guilt there 😞 seeing someone try so hard and knowing the things that happened . Equally at the outset feeling like ‘therapy will work so things will be getting better’ but here we are a long time on from that and it’s clear those mental scars have triggered long term issues with how they’ve developed ? Almost as if being a child in a high stress environment has wired their brain up incorrectly and made them hyper aware of ‘threats ‘

Show quote history

My ex husband used to say this about my abuser.

You know that if you walk into a lion's den, it will eat you. You know it's not personal. It's reacting on instinct. It can't help it. And you understand all that.

Would you still walk into the lion's den? No, of course you wouldn't. Because understanding it won't change its behaviour nor lessen the impact on you of being eaten.

LeafHunter · 04/04/2023 08:16

It took me ten years of therapy to be in the right place for a relationship. It definitely can, and does work but it takes a huge amount of time and work. I definitely wouldn’t have been a good person to be in relationship with until a lot of the work was done.

Tryphenia · 04/04/2023 08:17

No. Another person is not my rescue project. Like a pp, I had a significant childhood trauma that causes ongoing issues, despite years of therapy and significant work, but I recognise this is my issue and my responsibility, and that I can’t allow anyone else to be impacted by it. Nobody ‘owes’ me a relationship.

Original poster
Wouldyouaccept · 04/04/2023 08:20

Tryphenia · 04/04/2023 08:17

No. Another person is not my rescue project. Like a pp, I had a significant childhood trauma that causes ongoing issues, despite years of therapy and significant work, but I recognise this is my issue and my responsibility, and that I can’t allow anyone else to be impacted by it. Nobody ‘owes’ me a relationship.

But if you entered the relationship fully accepting the issues but expecting them to get better then should you stay ? This is what I’m not sure about. I can see the effort made and the frustration of wanting to not behave a certain way. This is why it’s so hard

OP posts:
TourmalineGiraffe · 04/04/2023 08:21

No.
I spent 20 years excusing in this sort of relationship.
A lot of sympathy for the person but sympathy can be manipulated.
No one should be in a relationship where sympathy is a big component.
Strangely enough it gives the abused person huge power and the other person no boundaries.
Not a good dynamic or basis for a relationship which should be an equal positive for both.

Original poster
Wouldyouaccept · 04/04/2023 08:21

Lockedinforwinter · 04/04/2023 08:13

If you stay together and their are children involved then you are just going to end up repeating the cycle with the next generation, so no. I would not stick around.

Children are absolutely fine. There’s huge self awareness around things and a 100% effort to make sure the children are not in any way subjected to emotional abuse indirectly

OP posts:
Original poster
Wouldyouaccept · 04/04/2023 08:23

Is there any way to salvage this ?

more therapy ? (It’s been trauma counselling and separate CBT) maybe couples therapy ?

Or is this only going to fail at some point

OP posts:
Broadbeachshallow · 04/04/2023 08:24

Are you in therapy, OP?

You do not owe anyone a relationship. Not a person you've dated for a month nor a person you've been married to for decades.

You are approaching all of this from what your partner is entitled to, how your partner will feel, the impact on your partner.

You are equally important. You need to centre yourself in this. And your dc.

DC do not benefit from being raised in a jealous, controlling relationship with a miserable parent who is sacrificing themselves to keep the relationship together.

Is this relationship something you would want for your dc?

Broadbeachshallow · 04/04/2023 08:28

But if you entered the relationship fully accepting the issues but expecting them to get better then should you stay ?

No.

You made one decision then. Now, in new circumstances and with the benefit of experience, you are entitled to make another.

Original poster
Wouldyouaccept · 04/04/2023 08:28

Broadbeachshallow · 04/04/2023 08:24

Are you in therapy, OP?

You do not owe anyone a relationship. Not a person you've dated for a month nor a person you've been married to for decades.

You are approaching all of this from what your partner is entitled to, how your partner will feel, the impact on your partner.

You are equally important. You need to centre yourself in this. And your dc.

DC do not benefit from being raised in a jealous, controlling relationship with a miserable parent who is sacrificing themselves to keep the relationship together.

Is this relationship something you would want for your dc?

No I’ve not had therapy. But I wondering would couples therapy help as a last attempt

I have so much guilt as I knew from years before the relationship even began what had happened as we were friends . I initiated it and over and over again was pushed away and I persisted promising I could deal with the personality issues as I knew what had happened . It’s just now , a long time down the like that I’m getting tired of it . Nothing has got hugely worse my tolerance has just got less

OP posts:
ComtesseDeSpair · 04/04/2023 08:30

Wouldyouaccept · 04/04/2023 08:21

Children are absolutely fine. There’s huge self awareness around things and a 100% effort to make sure the children are not in any way subjected to emotional abuse indirectly

Show quote history

If it’s really true that there’s self awareness of the behaviour and the behaviour can be 100% controlled so that the children are completely unaffected by and unaware of it, then that would make me even more determined to leave tbh. If this person can control their behaviour, reactions and moods, their behaviour towards their partner is simply abusive.

Original poster
Wouldyouaccept · 04/04/2023 08:32

ComtesseDeSpair · 04/04/2023 08:30

If it’s really true that there’s self awareness of the behaviour and the behaviour can be 100% controlled so that the children are completely unaffected by and unaware of it, then that would make me even more determined to leave tbh. If this person can control their behaviour, reactions and moods, their behaviour towards their partner is simply abusive.

Show quote history

I did think that but I’ve realised it is more like (I think) when someone holds it all together then it’s all just comes out once they are in their safe space?
I don’t want to split up I really don’t but I’m tired of it all, if there was a way to make things better in an instant and carry on in the relationship I would as the positives outweigh the negatives but the negatives are just now getting to me

OP posts:
OriGanOver · 04/04/2023 08:33

I think relationships are where people can heal. Someone accepting and loving you, flaws and all can help someone love and accept themselves.

But if you have those type of childhood wounds, then you need a partner who is solid, reliable, and honest. If you are with someone who has the same childhood wounds (as often both are attracted to each other and it becomes us against the world and toxic) then you'll be constantly triggered into fight/flight anxiety mode.

If there's a solid person in the relationship, who can roll their eyes at the other ones quirks and still do what they want to do and not let themselves be controlled by the other persons childhood wounds then it can work. I, controversially perhaps, think when it's the man who has these wounds, it's a lot worse than when the woman does. Actually it's not even think - men with bpd murder their partners in higher rates than those without and bdp often stems from childhood trauma. Women with bpd have higher success rates in relationships when the other partner is stable.

I've been with a man with the same childhood wounds as me. It was an absolute tragic and toxic mess. None of my other relationships have been so toxic and I'm on good terms with exes and exes families. His shit triggered me back to childhood/teenage years. I'm sure it's taken years off my life with the stress I went through. I was also a nightmare to him because I didn't feel safe. The only difference I think between me and someone who had grown up safe and loved is that I clung on and used unhealthy teenage coping strategies until I broke down, whereas someone else would have gone - fuck this shit and left. I wasn't able to do that.

Original poster
Wouldyouaccept · 04/04/2023 08:34

I don’t want to give an ultimatum and cause distress but I don’t want to split. Maybe said in a certain way an ultimatum could be motivating to change rather than to induce immediate panic and fear of being abandoned

OP posts: