Would you accept this in a relationship?

[Wouldyouaccept]

If you know your partner had suffered severe childhood abuse and trauma - would you accept aspects of their personality that were shaped due to this and are negative traits ?

Therapy is ongoing and there’s full awareness of everything and an huge effort is being made but it’s not ideal. Is this a case where the person who has been abused should not be in a relationship until they are ‘better’ (what if that never full happens ?)

The issues are :
Attachment issues / fear of abandonment (leading to jealousy)
control issues

I lived with a man with serious emotional issues and a personality disorder. I spent years putting him first and accepting his abuse because of his mental health.

It doesn’t matter why a man is abusive. The fact is that abuse is abuse. You don’t keep petting a dog that bites you because you know that it has had a bad time. You keep away until it has learned not to bite.

Yes.

And other people should not accept abuse. For the victim it doesn’t matter why that abuse is happening.

@Moser85 I agree that talking therapies can be useless. Or even counterproductive with some people.

People can be so stuck, or have such wonky thinking, that any kind of therapy is not accessible. The person has to be willing and able.

Unfortunately trauma really affects the ability to be willing and able.

You can't set your self on fire to keep other people warm.

I like this💕

I want to give it one last try I’ll do as advised and seek counselling for myself first. I feel as well that I’ve got so much less tolerance lately for very minor things which also isn’t healthy. I think I’ll try my meat then seek couples counselling and see where we are in 6-9 months

Myself ….. not my meat (although interesting autocorrect 😂)

Different situation but similar in many ways, incl the guilt and knowing the person is trying their best.

Have counselling on your own.
Learn to put yourself and your well-being first.
Learn your self worth and your boundaries.
Appreciate that you can be compassionate AND still hold your boundaries AND look after yourself. Just now you are only doing the compassion for others/your partner.

I feel as well that I’ve got so much less tolerance lately for very minor things which also isn’t healthy

Your thinking is upside down.

Not feeling tolerant toward behaviour that upsets & disturbs you IS healthy.
It's the choosing to stay with it, despite no proof of improvement, that is unhealthy.

The fact you are less tolearnt is because you are reaching the end if your tether.
You’ve been giving and giving and there us nothing left for you to give.

It is NOT because there us something wrong with you, you’re not good enough etc… It’s because you are human. And whatever has been asked from you is getting too much.

I agree with @KettrickenSmiled. Being intolerant is healthy if it means you have good self esteem. Always putting other people's happiness before your own isn't healthy.

My ex had a traumatic child hood. With me He was controlling, emotionally abusive and very jealous.
I left and he's still making mine and the children's lives hell.

I have hope that people can turn themselves around, but my ex seems a very long way off from this atm.

It is not a good idea to do couple therapy with a person with control issues. Therapy in your own is a great idea.

This is about it really.

I am a victim of childhood abuse, abandonment issues etc etc, had therapy for years.

My issues only came to a head if my ex triggered me by cheating, lying, being abusive or spontaneously dumping me (he was a narcissist so really wasn't thinking about my feelings at all).

My issues have never been a problem with any other relationship, only him.

I feel I am worthy of a relationship regardless of my issues.

I think it was just a daft poster falling all over themselves to talk about themselves, and their ‘experience’, because they got borderline excited that they’ve got skin in this particular game.

@TwoTwitTuTu
Sorry to hear your situation is similar.

We had gone to counselling years before and it had gone exactly as you may expect.
My partner tied all of his behaviour back to his childhood and the sessions became about him. I don’t think the counsellor was totally taken in as she did try and make me do a lot of exercises to help my self worth.
But all it really did was strengthen the idea that my role was to support and protect him and not ask for anything for myself.

Years later we went again at my insistence, if I am honest I don’t think I was looking for help to mend the relationship, I needed help to walk away. I was in a very bad state and I could not take more. However this wasn’t something I could even articulate to myself never mind to her.

I think my partner was more cocky and thought I would never leave at this point and he began the counselling by telling her funny stories about the way he treated me.
The counsellor was stunned!

At first she suggested he may have Asperger’s (I think she was trying to understand his lack of empathy). Apologies to anyone with this diagnosis,I am not trying offend at all.
The next session I think she had realised what she was dealing with and told him that she didn’t think she could help him and he would probably see her as an unfriendly force in his life and asked him not to come again.
When I was on my own she looked at me and said ‘Tourmaline it’s ok, you can stop now’.
I absolutely crumpled at that. I started to say the words such as abusive etc and she helped me through.
Honestly, I know counsellors are supposed to stay impartial but I think she could see I was on the verge of a breakdown and she helped me.

I hope you are ok, I know it’s feels so murky and complicated when you are in it but it is so so simple.

You should be the most important person in your life, if you are with an abusive man please understand you didn’t break him and you cannot fix him. Protect and love yourself.