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Original poster

New partner

99 replies

Charmaine1234 · 03/04/2023 19:43

Bumping to get more advice. Been seeing a man for 9 months, ive an older child & younger child who is 5. We did him stopping for a cup of tea once a week for 6 months, and have started trying Sunday dinner or a walk etc, however she often refuses to accept him, only occasionally allowing him in, he tries so hard. At times she shouts, screams & refuses to be in the same room. Occasionally she will let him play with her. Split from her dad 3 years ago with regular weekly contact.Its becoming very stressful. Posted on step parents too but trying on here for traffic. Advice wanted?

OP posts:
Heroicallyfound · 03/04/2023 20:06

You might want to report your post and ask for it to be moved to relationships so you get more replies

Preeeettyprettygood · 03/04/2023 20:09

I'd report to get this moved to relationships where you'll get advice. It did make me laugh a little that you posted your second thread after 3 minutes. Good luck with the advice

Original poster
Charmaine1234 · 03/04/2023 20:27

Preeeettyprettygood · 03/04/2023 20:09

I'd report to get this moved to relationships where you'll get advice. It did make me laugh a little that you posted your second thread after 3 minutes. Good luck with the advice

I had posted the other hours before, im struggling a bit to use this app. Not even sure how to report to move it tbh. But ill try to get more accustomed with it tomorrow. I actually thought i HAD posted firstly on step parents then a few hours later on relationships

OP posts:
KettrickenSmiled · 03/04/2023 22:19

Been seeing a man for 9 months, ive an older child & younger child who is 5. We did him stopping for a cup of tea once a week for 6 months,

So 3 months into a brand new relationship, you introduced this guy to your 5 year old?

Too soon.

Prioritise your child & her sense of security.
It will mean dialling back the boyfriend unless you have childcare, but why would you force this when your daughter is so distressed by it?

category12 · 03/04/2023 22:29

Maybe stop pushing it and just date the guy without involving the children for now.

It's early days.

Back off, dial down the visits and instead of him "trying hard" with the children, just let him be mummy's boyfriend that they know about but don't have around much yet.

supercali77 · 03/04/2023 22:35

Take it slower. Meet outside the house for a park visit instead of in the home? Is there a reason for doing it so often?

givingupchocolatemonday · 03/04/2023 22:54

9 months! Extremely early days for a 5 year old. Respect your child's feelings and simply wait again to introduce but still talk about him so she knows he's in the background.

iLiveALifeOfSin · 03/04/2023 23:08

Mmm I don't know.
I don't really think you're rushing and you deserve to be happy too OP. It's not as if he's staying over once a week. You're 6 months in. Keep reassuring your daughter and make sure she knows her feelings are heard and valid. Stick to outside walks and maybe ask your DD what she feels uncomfortable about. Her whole world has changed and she's bound to feel uneasy. But as I said you also deserve to be happy. Just make sure you do this the right way and don't rush.
(You'll get a Myriad of people saying you're putting a man above your DDs feelings blah blah) but I think 6 months in, the odd walk is fine. Maybe invite him in for coffee or how the weathers warming up sit in the garden after your walks.

You deserve to be happy. Equally so does your daughter.

iLiveALifeOfSin · 03/04/2023 23:09

9 months even. You're definitely not rushing IMO but everyone on MN thinks anything less than 10 years is rushing.

Just keep your daughter reassured and heard.

Original poster
Charmaine1234 · 04/04/2023 00:40

KettrickenSmiled · 03/04/2023 22:19

Been seeing a man for 9 months, ive an older child & younger child who is 5. We did him stopping for a cup of tea once a week for 6 months,

So 3 months into a brand new relationship, you introduced this guy to your 5 year old?

Too soon.

Prioritise your child & her sense of security.
It will mean dialling back the boyfriend unless you have childcare, but why would you force this when your daughter is so distressed by it?

That was a mistype but im not sure how to edit as new to app. I meant we'd been dating 6 months. It was done gently with brief visits as she was sometimes accepting and willing to play or go for a walk, so not forced. When she was upset we left it

OP posts:
Original poster
Charmaine1234 · 04/04/2023 00:41

category12 · 03/04/2023 22:29

Maybe stop pushing it and just date the guy without involving the children for now.

It's early days.

Back off, dial down the visits and instead of him "trying hard" with the children, just let him be mummy's boyfriend that they know about but don't have around much yet.

Thankyou

OP posts:
Original poster
Charmaine1234 · 04/04/2023 00:42

iLiveALifeOfSin · 03/04/2023 23:09

9 months even. You're definitely not rushing IMO but everyone on MN thinks anything less than 10 years is rushing.

Just keep your daughter reassured and heard.

Thankyou

OP posts:
category12 · 04/04/2023 13:43

iLiveALifeOfSin · 03/04/2023 23:09

9 months even. You're definitely not rushing IMO but everyone on MN thinks anything less than 10 years is rushing.

Just keep your daughter reassured and heard.

Yeah, but she introduced him to them 3 months in.

It's obviously not working well for the children with the frequency, so easing off a bit makes sense.

Original poster
Charmaine1234 · 04/04/2023 13:55

category12 · 04/04/2023 13:43

Yeah, but she introduced him to them 3 months in.

It's obviously not working well for the children with the frequency, so easing off a bit makes sense.

Show quote history

I think i mentioned above that was a mistype, it was 6 months in but i dunno how to edit original post and he wS introduced as a friend and still is a friend according to the kids

OP posts:
category12 · 04/04/2023 16:28

Charmaine1234 · 04/04/2023 13:55

I think i mentioned above that was a mistype, it was 6 months in but i dunno how to edit original post and he wS introduced as a friend and still is a friend according to the kids

Show quote history

There's nothing wrong with being honest that he's a boyfriend though.

Personally I think saying he's just a friend is more likely to cause anxiety rather than assuage it, because kids aren't stupid. They'll know it's more than that, particularly the older one. So they'll feel uncomfortable/unsettled because they're not getting honesty.

So when you then go on to say things like he's not trying to replace daddy (or whatever you might say to reassure them), they're not going to feel like you can be trusted to give them the full story. Your word has to be good.

Original poster
Charmaine1234 · 04/04/2023 16:33

category12 · 04/04/2023 16:28

There's nothing wrong with being honest that he's a boyfriend though.

Personally I think saying he's just a friend is more likely to cause anxiety rather than assuage it, because kids aren't stupid. They'll know it's more than that, particularly the older one. So they'll feel uncomfortable/unsettled because they're not getting honesty.

So when you then go on to say things like he's not trying to replace daddy (or whatever you might say to reassure them), they're not going to feel like you can be trusted to give them the full story. Your word has to be good.

Show quote history

Thankyou. Im sure my 15 year old knows, but we just dont show affection etc around him, but the youngest, there have been no conversations like that, only this is my friend xxxxx whos visiting then getting her bit onvolved

OP posts:
Original poster
Charmaine1234 · 04/04/2023 16:34

But thankyou

OP posts:
SunflowerTed · 04/04/2023 17:14

iLiveALifeOfSin · 03/04/2023 23:09

9 months even. You're definitely not rushing IMO but everyone on MN thinks anything less than 10 years is rushing.

Just keep your daughter reassured and heard.

Totally agree. You deserve a life so your daughter will just face to get used to it!!!

Original poster
Charmaine1234 · 04/04/2023 17:16

Thankyou

OP posts:
category12 · 04/04/2023 17:30

SunflowerTed · 04/04/2023 17:14

Totally agree. You deserve a life so your daughter will just face to get used to it!!!

Show quote history

Wow. 🙄

Children have so little power in their lives and getting stuck with some bloke their mum likes every weekend (or even moving in) is a massive thing.

I don't think we should put our convenience and wants regarding our romantic/sex lives ahead of our children's feelings.

Original poster
Charmaine1234 · 04/04/2023 17:58

category12 · 04/04/2023 17:30

Wow. 🙄

Children have so little power in their lives and getting stuck with some bloke their mum likes every weekend (or even moving in) is a massive thing.

I don't think we should put our convenience and wants regarding our romantic/sex lives ahead of our children's feelings.

Show quote history

I never once said moving in...thats few years off. And id hardly call visiting for a cup of tea every Sunday leading to having a Sunday dinner with us as the while weekend or anything. Its nothing about convenience but trying to develop some sort of relationship. Um NOT putting ANYTHING agead of my kids. So very unhelpful.

OP posts:
baileys6904 · 04/04/2023 18:03

She's 15, of course she's going to be suspicious about someone you only knew for 6 months (or 3 as you originally said)

Let her dictate the pace and feel like she has a say and don't do what she will be wary of, which will be a forced happy family vibe. She likely will still get the ick thinking that you have sex. Just keep talking to her and reassuring her

category12 · 04/04/2023 18:05

My last paragraph was a generalisation in response to the poster I quoted - I really don't like that attitude that children should just have to get used to it when it comes to bringing in new partners.

Original poster
Charmaine1234 · 04/04/2023 18:06

Charmaine1234 · 04/04/2023 17:58

I never once said moving in...thats few years off. And id hardly call visiting for a cup of tea every Sunday leading to having a Sunday dinner with us as the while weekend or anything. Its nothing about convenience but trying to develop some sort of relationship. Um NOT putting ANYTHING agead of my kids. So very unhelpful.

Show quote history

In fact id go so far as to say your comment is ignorant and draconian and old fashioned. I split with their dad 3 years ago, should i stay single until theyre 18????

OP posts:
Original poster
Charmaine1234 · 04/04/2023 18:07

baileys6904 · 04/04/2023 18:03

She's 15, of course she's going to be suspicious about someone you only knew for 6 months (or 3 as you originally said)

Let her dictate the pace and feel like she has a say and don't do what she will be wary of, which will be a forced happy family vibe. She likely will still get the ick thinking that you have sex. Just keep talking to her and reassuring her

Shes 5 not 15. My other child who has no issues is 15.

OP posts:
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