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Original poster

New partner

99 replies

Charmaine1234 · 03/04/2023 19:43

Bumping to get more advice. Been seeing a man for 9 months, ive an older child & younger child who is 5. We did him stopping for a cup of tea once a week for 6 months, and have started trying Sunday dinner or a walk etc, however she often refuses to accept him, only occasionally allowing him in, he tries so hard. At times she shouts, screams & refuses to be in the same room. Occasionally she will let him play with her. Split from her dad 3 years ago with regular weekly contact.Its becoming very stressful. Posted on step parents too but trying on here for traffic. Advice wanted?

OP posts:
baileys6904 · 07/04/2023 15:15

@iLiveALifeOfSin does 'projecting her own problems' mean speaking from experience? Because if it does, absolutely I am. From a woman who has successfully merged 2 families including 4 kids of various ages, and being the child of a mother who did things more along your way of thinking and has spent over 40 years fucked up and hasn't spoken to her mother for the best part of 30.

But surely that's the best opinion to listen to, one of someone that's been there and has lessons learnt 🤷‍♀️

iLiveALifeOfSin · 07/04/2023 15:22

baileys6904 · 07/04/2023 15:15

@iLiveALifeOfSin does 'projecting her own problems' mean speaking from experience? Because if it does, absolutely I am. From a woman who has successfully merged 2 families including 4 kids of various ages, and being the child of a mother who did things more along your way of thinking and has spent over 40 years fucked up and hasn't spoken to her mother for the best part of 30.

But surely that's the best opinion to listen to, one of someone that's been there and has lessons learnt 🤷‍♀️

The OP has met a good man, who is a good dad to his own children. He is occasionally coming round for a bit of lunch or a cup of tea after 9 months.

Which is what I am condoning, the OP has been with him 9 months. That's NOT going to fuck up her relationship with her 5 year old daughter. OP had already said that her daughter reacts the same way to her granny. Should the OP just not have any guests or adults company then? Because of her 5 yo?

So, you've got a fucked relationship with your mother for 40 years because she met a decent guy, who was a decent father, and after 9 months he came round for a cup of tea and something to eat occasionally? And go online to a public forum to seek help to make her 5 year old more comfortable?

OR

Have you got a fucked up relationship with your mother because she put random guys over you, prioritised her sex life over you, and didn't do anything to try and make it better to make you feel more comfortable in your own home while she didn't give a shit about how you felt and did nothing to try and rectify that.

As both of those are absolutely at the different ends of the scale to each other. The OP is NOT doing what your mother did. If she is, and your relationship failed because your mum had her partner come in for something to eat after 9 months, then that's really really sad.

80s · 07/04/2023 15:30

At times she shouts, screams & refuses to be in the same room. Occasionally she will let him play with her.
But it's OK if she goes in her own room, for instance, right? Or if she doesn't want to play with a man? No-one's forcing her to do these things, presumably, so what is it that prompts the screaming, do you think?

baileys6904 · 10/04/2023 10:16

@iLiveALifeOfSin u really are so convinced you're right, that you cannot accept the experiences of someone that's been there.

My mother married the 'random guy" (just one that I know about but no reason to think there were more). They stayed married for quite a number of years and had a child. This was the start of my relationship with my mother deteriorating, not the sole reason. Sorry.

However over this weekend I've had a fantastic easter weekend with all the kids, both mine and my partners, who have a cracking relationship with each other and the adults involved and it's been great.

But obviously I know nothing 🤣

iLiveALifeOfSin · 10/04/2023 11:18

baileys6904 · 10/04/2023 10:16

@iLiveALifeOfSin u really are so convinced you're right, that you cannot accept the experiences of someone that's been there.

My mother married the 'random guy" (just one that I know about but no reason to think there were more). They stayed married for quite a number of years and had a child. This was the start of my relationship with my mother deteriorating, not the sole reason. Sorry.

However over this weekend I've had a fantastic easter weekend with all the kids, both mine and my partners, who have a cracking relationship with each other and the adults involved and it's been great.

But obviously I know nothing 🤣

Well done!

Still, the OP isn't going to ruin her and her daughters relationship over her partner coming round for a cup of tea and spot of lunch after 9 months.

A bit besides the point but glad you had a nice weekend.

I'll take note that because your experience with a tainted relationship of 40 years, everyone else's will be the same. Good to know.

weststreet · 10/04/2023 11:24

baileys6904 · 06/04/2023 10:27

Op why post if you just want people commenting saying you're wonderful and doing everything brilliantly? Just waiting everyone's time and effort. People have to judge a situation to give advice, otherwise you just surround yourself with an echo chamber and nothing changes in your behaviour.

Your child is verbalising she has an issue. Whether that's valid or not is another thing but she is not happy with how things are going in her life. You want to ignore that, that's down to you.

Where has the OP said she is ignoring this?

CurlewKate · 10/04/2023 11:30

Is she like this with other visitors?

Meggymoo777 · 10/04/2023 12:12

I never understand why people post for advice, then when it's given they completely disagree with it. Agree with another PP that @category12 takes a lot of time on here to respond thoughtfully and the way you've responded to her and other PPs is out of order.

And I agree that your daughter is telling you that she's not happy so listen to her. What point are you making if you don't? That her feelings aren't valid and her safe spaces (I.e. with her Mum) don't matter? That a man you barely know trumps all that? If she has regular contact with her father then why can't you just date then? Why does she need to be involved?

And like @category12, I also walk the walk and have had relationships in the past 8 years that my son is completely oblivious to... he doesn't need to be involved in my love life.

But you appear to want what you want at the potential detriment of her feelings so you do you and lock yourself in a little echo chamber 🙄

iLiveALifeOfSin · 10/04/2023 12:21

CurlewKate · 10/04/2023 11:30

Is she like this with other visitors?

The OP said she's like it with other visitors.

iLiveALifeOfSin · 10/04/2023 12:26

But you appear to want what you want at the potential detriment of her feelings

@Meggymoo777

The OPs daughter is like this with other visitors too.
Let's use her granny for example, should the granny just come round when the OPs daughter is out of the house / at her dads?

Unclentch. Stop being so nasty just because your story didn't work out well.

StarDolphins · 10/04/2023 12:29

iLiveALifeOfSin · 03/04/2023 23:08

Mmm I don't know.
I don't really think you're rushing and you deserve to be happy too OP. It's not as if he's staying over once a week. You're 6 months in. Keep reassuring your daughter and make sure she knows her feelings are heard and valid. Stick to outside walks and maybe ask your DD what she feels uncomfortable about. Her whole world has changed and she's bound to feel uneasy. But as I said you also deserve to be happy. Just make sure you do this the right way and don't rush.
(You'll get a Myriad of people saying you're putting a man above your DDs feelings blah blah) but I think 6 months in, the odd walk is fine. Maybe invite him in for coffee or how the weathers warming up sit in the garden after your walks.

You deserve to be happy. Equally so does your daughter.

But couldn’t it be said that she actually IS putting a man before her DD? Daughter is distressed at this extremely young relationship being forced on her. She’s made it clear she isn’t happy to accept him right now.

Yes op does deserve to be happy but imo, not at the expense of her daughter.

Meggymoo777 · 10/04/2023 12:29

My story has actually worked out lovely thanks, I'm very happy with my life and the close relationship I have with my son.

On the other hand, the relationship with his father has been steadily deteriorating as a direct result of his insistence in involving him in his relationship.

OP came here looking for advice and opinions... just because mine differs, doesn't make it any less valid.

Skybluepinky · 10/04/2023 12:37

Date him without yr children being involved.

baileys6904 · 10/04/2023 14:13

@iLiveALifeOfSin i literally have no idea what your problem is with me. Ill see if I can break this down simply...
The OP has posted asked for opinions/ advice based on experiences. I have experience. I have posted. Wtf it had to do with you I don't know but clearly you base your opinion higher than people's experience. I'm not in the minority with my thoughts. It's not random. It's not extreme. It's 'take your time, it's worth it in the end'.

But cart on hun, you're clearly the all-knowing (or the OP, which is actually a strong possibility) 🤣

gerbilcrocus · 10/04/2023 14:33

I probably wouldn't have introduced that early, but now you have, I don't think it makes sense for him to withdraw, only to have him potentially return into her life down the line once your relationship has become fully committed.

My view is that either you continue with your weekly cups of tea with her, but where he is no more than your friend and to her eyes no different from any other good friend you may have, or you end it. If you think the relationship has legs, I'd do the former. You could limit the meetings with her to once a fortnight, and keep them brief if that helps, but what you're doing seems a world away from "moving him in" or even having him round regularly in the evenings, which is what some women seem in an almighty rush to do for some reason.

gerbilcrocus · 10/04/2023 14:38

But couldn’t it be said that she actually IS putting a man before her DD? Daughter is distressed at this extremely young relationship being forced on her. She’s made it clear she isn’t happy to accept him right now.

Meeting for a cup of tea weekly is hardly forcing a relationship on her, unless the OP spends the time canoodling with him in between sips of tea.

iLiveALifeOfSin · 10/04/2023 15:52

baileys6904 · 10/04/2023 14:13

@iLiveALifeOfSin i literally have no idea what your problem is with me. Ill see if I can break this down simply...
The OP has posted asked for opinions/ advice based on experiences. I have experience. I have posted. Wtf it had to do with you I don't know but clearly you base your opinion higher than people's experience. I'm not in the minority with my thoughts. It's not random. It's not extreme. It's 'take your time, it's worth it in the end'.

But cart on hun, you're clearly the all-knowing (or the OP, which is actually a strong possibility) 🤣

What are you harping on about now!?

You've come on here, been incredibly judgmental to the OP who was looking for advice.
Telling her that her daughter should be the one to decide the pace of her relationship. (She's 5)
You've accused the OP of ignoring and invalidating her child's feelings.
You've also accused the OP of saying her actions will probably cause her 5 year old daughter to have shit self esteem and shit boundaries in 20 years.

You have been the one with a problem. Had you had written things in a much kinder, less exaggerating way, and not thrown all of those accusations at the OP who you or I know nothing about. When it's quite obvious that having a partner of 9 months over for a cup of tea, or occasionally a Sunday roast isn't going to cause the ridiculous things you've accused the OP of. If she was shagging his brains out and ditching her daughter for him, forcing her to be around him (she had a room to go to I'm guessing) and not looking for help or advice on the topic, you'd have a point. But instead you've come on here and been bitterly judgemental and projecting all that tripe onto the OP.

iLiveALifeOfSin · 10/04/2023 16:00

gerbilcrocus · 10/04/2023 14:38

But couldn’t it be said that she actually IS putting a man before her DD? Daughter is distressed at this extremely young relationship being forced on her. She’s made it clear she isn’t happy to accept him right now.

Meeting for a cup of tea weekly is hardly forcing a relationship on her, unless the OP spends the time canoodling with him in between sips of tea.

Exactly!

baileys6904 · 10/04/2023 22:12

@iLiveALifeOfSin u OK hun?

UnderPressureLikeACustomerInALushStore · 10/04/2023 22:21

baileys6904 · 10/04/2023 22:12

@iLiveALifeOfSin u OK hun?

You sound incredibly judgmental and unkind.

anthurium · 11/04/2023 08:50

Meggymoo777 · 10/04/2023 12:12

I never understand why people post for advice, then when it's given they completely disagree with it. Agree with another PP that @category12 takes a lot of time on here to respond thoughtfully and the way you've responded to her and other PPs is out of order.

And I agree that your daughter is telling you that she's not happy so listen to her. What point are you making if you don't? That her feelings aren't valid and her safe spaces (I.e. with her Mum) don't matter? That a man you barely know trumps all that? If she has regular contact with her father then why can't you just date then? Why does she need to be involved?

And like @category12, I also walk the walk and have had relationships in the past 8 years that my son is completely oblivious to... he doesn't need to be involved in my love life.

But you appear to want what you want at the potential detriment of her feelings so you do you and lock yourself in a little echo chamber 🙄

I'm really curious, how have you managed to keep your family life separate from your romantic life for that long? Have you had to rely a lot on babysitters, wonder family and /or co-parent well with your ex partner? I'm not in a relationship at the moment (solo mother by choice with a sperm donor, so my situation is quite different to other single parents), but the same obstacles exist in terms of the possibility of dating/developing an intimate relationship with someone else.

anthurium · 11/04/2023 08:51

@Meggymoo777 the post above is for you, I forgot to attach your username.

Meggymoo777 · 11/04/2023 10:57

Hey @anthurium... so our situations are definitely different as you are a solo Mum. While I'm a single Mum, I'm not solo and my son spends approx 40% of his time with his dad. Babysitters and my parents were also called on if I had romantic plans during my 'Mom Duty' time, but I'd rarely make plans during this time.

In the last 8 years I have had 2 longish relationships of note: one nearly 4years and one for 2.5years. Have dated then in between.

The 4yr relationship, we saw each other when I was 'free', we went for weekends away, we spent time with each other's friends and family, but never with my son. My son was totally unaware.

The 2.5yr relationship, same as above but I stupidly introduced him to my son after 2yrs, lockdowns being the primary driver of this decision. Total fuck up on my part, changed the whole dynamic and my ex got way too comfortable at my house and involved in my day-to-day. Ended that relationship and vowed never again.

anthurium · 11/04/2023 12:32

Meggymoo777 · 11/04/2023 10:57

Hey @anthurium... so our situations are definitely different as you are a solo Mum. While I'm a single Mum, I'm not solo and my son spends approx 40% of his time with his dad. Babysitters and my parents were also called on if I had romantic plans during my 'Mom Duty' time, but I'd rarely make plans during this time.

In the last 8 years I have had 2 longish relationships of note: one nearly 4years and one for 2.5years. Have dated then in between.

The 4yr relationship, we saw each other when I was 'free', we went for weekends away, we spent time with each other's friends and family, but never with my son. My son was totally unaware.

The 2.5yr relationship, same as above but I stupidly introduced him to my son after 2yrs, lockdowns being the primary driver of this decision. Total fuck up on my part, changed the whole dynamic and my ex got way too comfortable at my house and involved in my day-to-day. Ended that relationship and vowed never again.

Thank you for sharing your experiences @Meggymoo777

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