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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

New partner

99 replies

Charmaine1234 · 03/04/2023 19:43

Bumping to get more advice. Been seeing a man for 9 months, ive an older child & younger child who is 5. We did him stopping for a cup of tea once a week for 6 months, and have started trying Sunday dinner or a walk etc, however she often refuses to accept him, only occasionally allowing him in, he tries so hard. At times she shouts, screams & refuses to be in the same room. Occasionally she will let him play with her. Split from her dad 3 years ago with regular weekly contact.Its becoming very stressful. Posted on step parents too but trying on here for traffic. Advice wanted?

OP posts:
Original poster
Charmaine1234 · 04/04/2023 19:17

MarieRoseMarie · 04/04/2023 18:14

Can’t your 15 year old babysit your 5 year old when you go on dates? Rather than have him over?

Its not necessary as i see him when shes at her dads. It just would've been nice to do things in the summer on a Sunday perhaps if things had went well

OP posts:
Original poster
Charmaine1234 · 04/04/2023 19:21

baileys6904 · 04/04/2023 18:11

Your OP isn't the clearest.

Anyway after seeing your double response to @category12 who takes a fair bit of time to respond to people with their opinion and trying to help them, I'm out.

Ps. I've successfully merged 2 families so do have e.xperience of where you are right now. Patience is fundamental though

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Glad it worked out so well for you. Take care. Ps category12 came from a judgemental idiotic place so maybe take them out with you as your going? Thanks

OP posts:
SparklingLime · 04/04/2023 19:29

Glad it worked out so well for you. Take care. Ps category12 came from a judgemental idiotic place so maybe take them out with you as your going? Thanks

Jesus, what an attitude you have there, OP. People were engaging, sharing their own perspectives and trying to help.

Where did that aggression come from? How often does your DD see that?

Original poster
Charmaine1234 · 04/04/2023 19:36

SparklingLime · 04/04/2023 19:29

Glad it worked out so well for you. Take care. Ps category12 came from a judgemental idiotic place so maybe take them out with you as your going? Thanks

Jesus, what an attitude you have there, OP. People were engaging, sharing their own perspectives and trying to help.

Where did that aggression come from? How often does your DD see that?

As i said....take care

OP posts:
SparklingLime · 04/04/2023 19:39

That was my first comment, @Charmaine1234.

You asked for advice. Anything you don't like, you suggest posters should be taken out like trash?

Original poster
Charmaine1234 · 04/04/2023 19:42

SparklingLime · 04/04/2023 19:39

That was my first comment, @Charmaine1234.

You asked for advice. Anything you don't like, you suggest posters should be taken out like trash?

No that person said theyre out so i said take care and the other commenter who they were idolising....i thought their comment was judgemental and unhelpful. Am i meant to say 'thankyou' when its verging on nasty? I will take constructive criticism but if its judgemental or nasty.....no i dont need to hear that. Simple

OP posts:
Original poster
Charmaine1234 · 04/04/2023 19:48

Charmaine1234 · 04/04/2023 19:42

No that person said theyre out so i said take care and the other commenter who they were idolising....i thought their comment was judgemental and unhelpful. Am i meant to say 'thankyou' when its verging on nasty? I will take constructive criticism but if its judgemental or nasty.....no i dont need to hear that. Simple

Show quote history

And the comment about how often my DD sees that is coming from a bitchy, not very nice place so hopefully IF youve anything more to say it will be constructive or helpful.....NOT nasty. Im not tolerating that

OP posts:
jemimapuddlepluck · 04/04/2023 19:52

I replied on your other thread OP, I would leave this thread now if I were you, get it deleted. I'm sensing that it will turn into more of a pile on. You are not a bad mum, you are going about everything the right way, the fact you are here asking for advice shows that. The mob mentality will soon take over. You obviously need to let your little one lead this but you do not need to put your life on hold. It can be done with patience from you and him.

Greensleevevssnotnose · 04/04/2023 19:56

neilyoungismyhero · 04/04/2023 18:48

Mum also deserves some adult happiness. So she is supposed to scurry around like a thief in the night for the next 13 years is she? As the 5 year old gets older she'll realise what's going on and may be even more anti that mum is having a life outside. What's going to happen then?

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My sil was single from 25 when she split with the kids dad to over 40 as she put her kids first. No chaos in their house. A lot more people should try it

Shoelacesundone · 04/04/2023 20:07

I'm not at all sure how putting the kids first means staying single. Nor do I see how a 5 year older judgment is supposed to guide three adults (15 year old being a near adult).

My advice is to stop contact but keep mentioning him and let her curiosity drive the next meeting.

Good luck OP.

Sunsea21 · 04/04/2023 20:15

I would carry on as you are, over time your daughter will see that he is sticking around and then her behaviour should improve. She may well be “testing “ him

iLiveALifeOfSin · 04/04/2023 20:30

SparklingLime · 04/04/2023 19:29

Glad it worked out so well for you. Take care. Ps category12 came from a judgemental idiotic place so maybe take them out with you as your going? Thanks

Jesus, what an attitude you have there, OP. People were engaging, sharing their own perspectives and trying to help.

Where did that aggression come from? How often does your DD see that?

Stop being so condescending.

The OP had had numerous people on here tell her that she's putting a man before her child. That she needs to end her relationship. That she is causing chaos to her daughters.

She has bit back because the Holier than Thou have basically said she descent deserve to be happy, and she should let her 5 year old (who is like this with numerous people, her granny, as OP said) decide the pace on her relationship.

The OP has found a guy who is a good man, who is a good dad to his own children, and she is asking for advice on how to help the situation. Which shows she is a good mum putting her children first. But people come along and stamp all over that because they have their own bad experiences, when frankly, their mum hasn't acted like the OP, and taken the time to get advise to do this the right way. And now she's being called aggressive.

I don't blame the OP at all for biting back. I would too.

Viviennemary · 04/04/2023 20:39

You deserve a life. A five year old should not be allowed to rule the roost. I think I afree with the poster why said carry on dating but don't involve your child for the time being. And try again in a few months time.

Original poster
Charmaine1234 · 04/04/2023 20:42

jemimapuddlepluck · 04/04/2023 19:52

I replied on your other thread OP, I would leave this thread now if I were you, get it deleted. I'm sensing that it will turn into more of a pile on. You are not a bad mum, you are going about everything the right way, the fact you are here asking for advice shows that. The mob mentality will soon take over. You obviously need to let your little one lead this but you do not need to put your life on hold. It can be done with patience from you and him.

Thankyou

OP posts:
Original poster
Charmaine1234 · 04/04/2023 20:43

Shoelacesundone · 04/04/2023 20:07

I'm not at all sure how putting the kids first means staying single. Nor do I see how a 5 year older judgment is supposed to guide three adults (15 year old being a near adult).

My advice is to stop contact but keep mentioning him and let her curiosity drive the next meeting.

Good luck OP.

Thankyou, very helpful

OP posts:
Original poster
Charmaine1234 · 04/04/2023 20:43

Sunsea21 · 04/04/2023 20:15

I would carry on as you are, over time your daughter will see that he is sticking around and then her behaviour should improve. She may well be “testing “ him

Thankyou

OP posts:
Original poster
Charmaine1234 · 04/04/2023 20:44

iLiveALifeOfSin · 04/04/2023 20:30

Stop being so condescending.

The OP had had numerous people on here tell her that she's putting a man before her child. That she needs to end her relationship. That she is causing chaos to her daughters.

She has bit back because the Holier than Thou have basically said she descent deserve to be happy, and she should let her 5 year old (who is like this with numerous people, her granny, as OP said) decide the pace on her relationship.

The OP has found a guy who is a good man, who is a good dad to his own children, and she is asking for advice on how to help the situation. Which shows she is a good mum putting her children first. But people come along and stamp all over that because they have their own bad experiences, when frankly, their mum hasn't acted like the OP, and taken the time to get advise to do this the right way. And now she's being called aggressive.

I don't blame the OP at all for biting back. I would too.

Show quote history

I appreciate that, thankyou

OP posts:
Original poster
Charmaine1234 · 04/04/2023 20:45

Viviennemary · 04/04/2023 20:39

You deserve a life. A five year old should not be allowed to rule the roost. I think I afree with the poster why said carry on dating but don't involve your child for the time being. And try again in a few months time.

Thankyou. Helpful

OP posts:
baileys6904 · 06/04/2023 10:27

Op why post if you just want people commenting saying you're wonderful and doing everything brilliantly? Just waiting everyone's time and effort. People have to judge a situation to give advice, otherwise you just surround yourself with an echo chamber and nothing changes in your behaviour.

Your child is verbalising she has an issue. Whether that's valid or not is another thing but she is not happy with how things are going in her life. You want to ignore that, that's down to you.

iLiveALifeOfSin · 06/04/2023 16:55

baileys6904 · 06/04/2023 10:27

Op why post if you just want people commenting saying you're wonderful and doing everything brilliantly? Just waiting everyone's time and effort. People have to judge a situation to give advice, otherwise you just surround yourself with an echo chamber and nothing changes in your behaviour.

Your child is verbalising she has an issue. Whether that's valid or not is another thing but she is not happy with how things are going in her life. You want to ignore that, that's down to you.

She's not ignoring it. She has posted to get help on the situation.

Just because she isn't leaving the guy and letting her 5 year old daughter decide on who and when she can date, doesn't mean she's ignoring it.

baileys6904 · 07/04/2023 06:11

@iLiveALifeOfSin oh she's ignoring it. Not everyone is saying the 5 year old dictates. Some are saying what could be going on and how to potentially handle it in a way to make sure said 5 year old isn't posting on here in 20 years with shit life boundaries and self esteem issues 🤷‍♀️

iLiveALifeOfSin · 07/04/2023 07:47

baileys6904 · 07/04/2023 06:11

@iLiveALifeOfSin oh she's ignoring it. Not everyone is saying the 5 year old dictates. Some are saying what could be going on and how to potentially handle it in a way to make sure said 5 year old isn't posting on here in 20 years with shit life boundaries and self esteem issues 🤷‍♀️

If the odd cup of tea and a Sunday lunch ruins your self esteem that's on you tbh.

iLiveALifeOfSin · 07/04/2023 07:49

(Before everyone jumps on me I'm not talking about OPs 5 year old daughter)

The child is not going to have self esteem issues from OPs partner having a hot drink and some lunch. The PP above sounds like she's projecting her own problems here.

Goatbilly · 07/04/2023 13:25

Nobody really knows if this relationship will work out or not, even though right now this man appears to be 'good'.

What is this need to be "escalating" things though? Blending the man with the children, as Op mentioned about Sundays? Are you feeling inadequate being a single parent Op? And want to project an image of a "proper" family? Why can't you keep your family life separate to your children?

Too many children, on average more so than the success stories, witness the merry-go-round of mummy's blokes in and out of their lives. You have no idea what this man will be like, whether he'll be around this time next year, you have no way of guaranteeing that.

Goatbilly · 07/04/2023 13:25

Nobody really knows if this relationship will work out or not, even though right now this man appears to be 'good'.

What is this need to be "escalating" things though? Blending the man with the children, as Op mentioned about Sundays? Are you feeling inadequate being a single parent Op? And want to project an image of a "proper" family? Why can't you keep your family life separate to your children?

Too many children, on average more so than the success stories, witness the merry-go-round of mummy's blokes in and out of their lives. You have no idea what this man will be like, whether he'll be around this time next year, you have no way of guaranteeing that.