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Original poster

New partner

99 replies

Charmaine1234 · 03/04/2023 19:43

Bumping to get more advice. Been seeing a man for 9 months, ive an older child & younger child who is 5. We did him stopping for a cup of tea once a week for 6 months, and have started trying Sunday dinner or a walk etc, however she often refuses to accept him, only occasionally allowing him in, he tries so hard. At times she shouts, screams & refuses to be in the same room. Occasionally she will let him play with her. Split from her dad 3 years ago with regular weekly contact.Its becoming very stressful. Posted on step parents too but trying on here for traffic. Advice wanted?

OP posts:
Worriedsis10 · 04/04/2023 18:08

Charmaine1234 · 04/04/2023 18:06

In fact id go so far as to say your comment is ignorant and draconian and old fashioned. I split with their dad 3 years ago, should i stay single until theyre 18????

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If that’s what it takes yes.

baileys6904 · 04/04/2023 18:11

Charmaine1234 · 04/04/2023 18:07

Shes 5 not 15. My other child who has no issues is 15.

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Your OP isn't the clearest.

Anyway after seeing your double response to @category12 who takes a fair bit of time to respond to people with their opinion and trying to help them, I'm out.

Ps. I've successfully merged 2 families so do have e.xperience of where you are right now. Patience is fundamental though

MarieRoseMarie · 04/04/2023 18:14

Can’t your 15 year old babysit your 5 year old when you go on dates? Rather than have him over?

category12 · 04/04/2023 18:15

Charmaine1234 · 04/04/2023 18:06

In fact id go so far as to say your comment is ignorant and draconian and old fashioned. I split with their dad 3 years ago, should i stay single until theyre 18????

Show quote history

No, I never said that.

As I've said earlier, I think you should probably drop it for now, since it's not going well and just enjoy dating him.

I just really dislike the attitude that children should just suck it up. As someone who grew up with a very difficult relationship with a stepdad that made me miserable at home, I think it's important to take it slow.

And I walk the walk - I have a boyfriend and a living apart relationship, (which suits me in a lot of ways), and some of the reason I haven't been eager to integrate our lives is because of my children and my fear of making their homelife like mine was growing up.

iLiveALifeOfSin · 04/04/2023 18:15

baileys6904 · 04/04/2023 18:03

She's 15, of course she's going to be suspicious about someone you only knew for 6 months (or 3 as you originally said)

Let her dictate the pace and feel like she has a say and don't do what she will be wary of, which will be a forced happy family vibe. She likely will still get the ick thinking that you have sex. Just keep talking to her and reassuring her

She's 5. How can a 5 year old decide the page of a relationship? The 5 year old probably didn't know what a relationship is... the OP isn't putting anyone above her daughter but how can a 5 year old decide and determine the pace of her mums future happiness?

The guys calling in for a coffee or a Sunday lunch. She's allowed to be happy too.

Tealknittedjumpers · 04/04/2023 18:17

Maybe don't force it between him and her. Sit with your child whilst she eats and then have your roast with your bf whilst she plays. At the end of the day, he's your boyfriend there to support you and the focus shouldn't be on trying to force a relationship with the kids. I'd let her be aware that this man is there in the background but not force their relationship. once she is ready to get to know this person who comes to her house, she will make it known.

twolilacs · 04/04/2023 18:20

iLiveALifeOfSin · 04/04/2023 18:15

She's 5. How can a 5 year old decide the page of a relationship? The 5 year old probably didn't know what a relationship is... the OP isn't putting anyone above her daughter but how can a 5 year old decide and determine the pace of her mums future happiness?

The guys calling in for a coffee or a Sunday lunch. She's allowed to be happy too.

Show quote history

I agree. A 5 year-old should not be in charge of anything, whether it is what time to leave the playground, or whether or not to shout and scream when there's a visitor.

JMSA · 04/04/2023 18:21

I would end it. All behaviour is communication, and your daughter is telling you that she's unhappy.

Ilovelurchers · 04/04/2023 18:31

If the 5 year old was behaving like this towards another visitor to the house - a family member say or her mom's friend - presumably we would all agree that this is unacceptable. Not just say, oh fine, the child doesn't want so-and-so in her house, her wishes must be respected in this....

So why is it different just because this visitor happens to be someone her mom is in a relationship with?

It's not any different. OP is not moving this guy in or insisting on the kid calling him daddy. She has a right to a romantic relationship, and a right to her partner coming into her house, and a five year old is quite old enough to know that screaming and shouting when somebody comes round is rude and unkind. She needs to be spoken to and told not to do it, and he mustn't stop coming round just because she behaves like this. That would be a terrible lesson for a child to learn. And quite terrifying and distressing for such a young child to feel they had this much power, I would think.

category12 · 04/04/2023 18:32

She's 5. How can a 5 year old decide the page of a relationship? The 5 year old probably didn't know what a relationship is... the OP isn't putting anyone above her daughter but how can a 5 year old decide and determine the pace of her mums future happiness?

It's not about dictating the mum's relationship, it's about slowing up integrating him into the children's lives. It's clearly not going well, so back off a bit and reduce the pressure.

There's nothing to stop OP dating the guy and having tons of fun with him.

(Honestly, I reckon people should appreciate the dating stage more and spin it out, and not be in such an all-fired hurry to get to the mundane bits 😂)

iLiveALifeOfSin · 04/04/2023 18:36

JMSA · 04/04/2023 18:21

I would end it. All behaviour is communication, and your daughter is telling you that she's unhappy.

So you let your kids walk all over you then.

arethereanyleftatall · 04/04/2023 18:38

Should I stay single till she's 18? Possibly, yes. I would prioritise my children over a man. Always.

neilyoungismyhero · 04/04/2023 18:48

arethereanyleftatall · 04/04/2023 18:38

Should I stay single till she's 18? Possibly, yes. I would prioritise my children over a man. Always.

Mum also deserves some adult happiness. So she is supposed to scurry around like a thief in the night for the next 13 years is she? As the 5 year old gets older she'll realise what's going on and may be even more anti that mum is having a life outside. What's going to happen then?

Anotheradventureforme · 04/04/2023 18:51

Lot of wilful misunderstanding here.
I agree, this is the fun dating part, keep it separate from the children. There is no need for them to be a regular part of this yet .

Anotheradventureforme · 04/04/2023 18:52

And that does not mean stop seeing him, become a nun and allow your child to dictate the house with screaming. It simply means, keep your love life apart from regular family life at this point.

Original poster
Charmaine1234 · 04/04/2023 18:56

Worriedsis10 · 04/04/2023 18:08

If that’s what it takes yes.

Show quote history

Wise up. Unhelpful

OP posts:
CreaturesAreSleeping · 04/04/2023 18:57

How is she when other people visit?

Original poster
Charmaine1234 · 04/04/2023 18:58

Tealknittedjumpers · 04/04/2023 18:17

Maybe don't force it between him and her. Sit with your child whilst she eats and then have your roast with your bf whilst she plays. At the end of the day, he's your boyfriend there to support you and the focus shouldn't be on trying to force a relationship with the kids. I'd let her be aware that this man is there in the background but not force their relationship. once she is ready to get to know this person who comes to her house, she will make it known.

Thankyou

OP posts:
Original poster
Charmaine1234 · 04/04/2023 18:59

CreaturesAreSleeping · 04/04/2023 18:57

How is she when other people visit?

Not great, depends who it is but she doesnt accept her granny most times or friends of mine

OP posts:
Original poster
Charmaine1234 · 04/04/2023 19:01

JMSA · 04/04/2023 18:21

I would end it. All behaviour is communication, and your daughter is telling you that she's unhappy.

End a relationship with such a nice & good natured man whos a great dad to his own kids and my 15 year old really likes him & hes been so good and helpful to me?

OP posts:
Original poster
Charmaine1234 · 04/04/2023 19:01

Anotheradventureforme · 04/04/2023 18:52

And that does not mean stop seeing him, become a nun and allow your child to dictate the house with screaming. It simply means, keep your love life apart from regular family life at this point.

Thankyou

OP posts:
Original poster
Charmaine1234 · 04/04/2023 19:03

arethereanyleftatall · 04/04/2023 18:38

Should I stay single till she's 18? Possibly, yes. I would prioritise my children over a man. Always.

Ridiculous

OP posts:
Original poster
Charmaine1234 · 04/04/2023 19:04

iLiveALifeOfSin · 04/04/2023 18:36

So you let your kids walk all over you then.

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I think thats unreasonable just ending tbh

OP posts:
Original poster
Charmaine1234 · 04/04/2023 19:07

Ilovelurchers · 04/04/2023 18:31

If the 5 year old was behaving like this towards another visitor to the house - a family member say or her mom's friend - presumably we would all agree that this is unacceptable. Not just say, oh fine, the child doesn't want so-and-so in her house, her wishes must be respected in this....

So why is it different just because this visitor happens to be someone her mom is in a relationship with?

It's not any different. OP is not moving this guy in or insisting on the kid calling him daddy. She has a right to a romantic relationship, and a right to her partner coming into her house, and a five year old is quite old enough to know that screaming and shouting when somebody comes round is rude and unkind. She needs to be spoken to and told not to do it, and he mustn't stop coming round just because she behaves like this. That would be a terrible lesson for a child to learn. And quite terrifying and distressing for such a young child to feel they had this much power, I would think.

Thankyou for that perspective, helpful

OP posts:
CreaturesAreSleeping · 04/04/2023 19:11

Charmaine1234 · 04/04/2023 18:59

Not great, depends who it is but she doesnt accept her granny most times or friends of mine

Show quote history

Hopefully just a phase OP.

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