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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Hygiene affecting relationship

120 replies

Cappuccino17 · 01/04/2023 14:21

I like to keep my home clean and have certain rules these include,
Washing hands when coming in to the home from outside.
Washing hands before eating.
Changing in to fresh clothing when we have been out, for example the park, playcentres, school.
When someone comes over and after they leave i spray down sofas etc. If they have used blankets i wash them.
Washing hands after bringing the bin in.

Now this somehow affects my marriage. My husband forgets to wash his hands after bringing the bin for example and it gives me high anxiety. Or after work he will slouch on the sofa in his work clothes and i hate it!
I feel we are very different as he is a bit laid back about this stuff. I am on the other end of the spectrum.

Do i have an issue or is my husband being unreasonable? I think this is basic hygiene.

OP posts:
pointythings · 01/04/2023 22:16

I'm really glad this thread has made you reflect and I hope that you will follow through and seek help. You deserve to have a more relaxed, chill and happy life. Your GP is the first port of call, but they will probably suggest medication as a first port of call. Be prepared for this - one of my DC really suffers with anxiety and was resistant to the idea of medication, but it has been really beneficial.

Beyond that, talking therapy can be really helpful, but waiting lists are long. If you can afford private, I would recommend you go for it.

Original poster
Cappuccino17 · 01/04/2023 22:17

For the person who said how dirty are your friends?
Lol it's not about them being dirty. It's about my mind telling me for example oh they sat on a bus today so all those bottoms and goodness knows who that have sat there all their dirt will be in my home now. That's what it feels like in my mind and i cannot bear to sit in the same place unless it's cleaned. If that makes any sense.

OP posts:
Opentooffers · 01/04/2023 22:21

Yes, you need some counselling. Some of your measures would not have been unreasonable during lockdown, but times have changed and you haven't. Changing clothes for one - used to do it at work before coming home as looking after dying patients with covid. We don't now - although still looking after occasional patient dying with covid. Really, you'd be hard pushed to prove transmission via clothing - what are you getting in the park. Do you know that over-sanitising can cause immunity deficiency?

Clearly you are over- anxious for whatever reason. Next time a deadly disease circulates, carry on, till then tbh until you sort yourself out, you will be a PTIA to everyone around.

OnTheBoardwalk · 01/04/2023 22:33

I get Covid has made you and me more conscious of hand washing so I don’t think that’s weird.

The PP who doesn’t wash their hands after having a wee is weird. What if the person before you had a poo and obviously touched the flush or do you not do that after a wee either?

OP not sure what you mean about washing blankets after a visitor? If they’ve slept in a bed fair enough or are you talking about just sitting on one?

newwings · 01/04/2023 23:25

I would feel like a child living with you.

MakingTheVeganYorkshirePud · 01/04/2023 23:36

I think there are many things that make us quirky and sometimes it can't be rationalised. Maybe it can? But I'm not interested in some things because it isn't life altering or changing for me.

I check my doors and windows, before going to bed, about 3 times. In the moment, I can't remember each check, so I have to do it multiple times, and I think it's around the 3rd check that I'm convinced they are all locked and closed.

I'd never ask my DP to do this though, although if I went to bed before, I'd ask him to make sure everything was locked. I'm also guilty of getting up after, many years ago to check.

I think some of the things on your list are totally normal, and some not so much. It doesn't make you a bad person, and you can control what you do, but asking someone else to do those things could sound utterly bizarre (changing when getting in after being outside for example). If I asked my DP to check the doors and windows 3 times, he'd be frustrated.

Think a visit to the GP might help you get to chat to someone.

Princessconsuelabananahammock9 · 02/04/2023 01:54

I have OCD.
Your rules remind me of myself.
Things being "contaminated" and people being "unclean." I take meds for mine so I function better. I highly recommend counseling and talking to your doctor.
I wish you all the best. 💐

Sleepyandconfused · 02/04/2023 03:30

You have an issue. I’d be beyond furious if I was expected to get changed the second I walked in the door! Such a waste of time and energy.

blebbleb · 02/04/2023 04:12

Your husband has been very accommodating and patient so far. I would really seek to a GP. I can see why he gets annoyed. I'd be beyond annoyed if my husband was quizzing and questioning I'd washed my hands etc. it's not normal.

HarrysStyle · 02/04/2023 05:11

I'm sorry OP, but you need to get help for this. Your children are going to pick up on your irrational behaviour and become very anxious adults if you don't change.

Babyenroute · 02/04/2023 07:21

Oh wow, I would hate to live in your house, sounds so unrelaxing!

pinkfondu · 02/04/2023 07:47

I think the first thing you need to do is tell him how you are feeling.

liveforsummer · 02/04/2023 08:51

Cappuccino17 · 01/04/2023 22:17

For the person who said how dirty are your friends?
Lol it's not about them being dirty. It's about my mind telling me for example oh they sat on a bus today so all those bottoms and goodness knows who that have sat there all their dirt will be in my home now. That's what it feels like in my mind and i cannot bear to sit in the same place unless it's cleaned. If that makes any sense.

Yet you keep those contaminated clothes sitting in your house then put them back on covered in what you describe as filth? That's not really rational

Naunet · 02/04/2023 09:14

Wow, such a different attitude towards women who may be struggling with their mental health, compared to the sympathy men get on here.

Fairislefandango · 02/04/2023 10:09

Apologies if my comment upthread was a bit robust - it's clear you're having a tough time with this and it's not just a case of you deliberately imposing unreasonable rules. I hope you get some help.

Turmerictolly · 02/04/2023 11:38

Medication can be very effective for OCD type behaviours. Please see your GP before this affects your marriage and children more deeply. Children need some exposure to 'germs' to build up their immune system apparently. Your anxiety will also rub off on them.

Justlittleoldme123 · 02/04/2023 12:40

Hi OP.

I am so sorry that you are going through this. I suffer with OCD and can resonate with everything that you say. Sometimes it can start with the smallest thing and it can taken over all of your thoughts.

I think some/ many of the comments are overly harsh and clearly show that people do not know nor understand how difficult OCD can be on a daily basis and how much it affects your life. If someone was on here describing symptoms of a physical illness, they would not be spoken to in the way that you have here.

I hope that you get the help that you deserve <3

MrsSkylerWhite · 02/04/2023 12:42

You are unreasonable.

Original poster
Cappuccino17 · 02/04/2023 13:20

Justlittleoldme123 · 02/04/2023 12:40

Hi OP.

I am so sorry that you are going through this. I suffer with OCD and can resonate with everything that you say. Sometimes it can start with the smallest thing and it can taken over all of your thoughts.

I think some/ many of the comments are overly harsh and clearly show that people do not know nor understand how difficult OCD can be on a daily basis and how much it affects your life. If someone was on here describing symptoms of a physical illness, they would not be spoken to in the way that you have here.

I hope that you get the help that you deserve <3

Thank you very much

OP posts:
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