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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Hygiene affecting relationship

120 replies

Cappuccino17 · 01/04/2023 14:21

I like to keep my home clean and have certain rules these include,
Washing hands when coming in to the home from outside.
Washing hands before eating.
Changing in to fresh clothing when we have been out, for example the park, playcentres, school.
When someone comes over and after they leave i spray down sofas etc. If they have used blankets i wash them.
Washing hands after bringing the bin in.

Now this somehow affects my marriage. My husband forgets to wash his hands after bringing the bin for example and it gives me high anxiety. Or after work he will slouch on the sofa in his work clothes and i hate it!
I feel we are very different as he is a bit laid back about this stuff. I am on the other end of the spectrum.

Do i have an issue or is my husband being unreasonable? I think this is basic hygiene.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cappuccino17 · 01/04/2023 16:45

Thanks everyone for your responses. I was testing the waters to check if i was being OTT. it clearly looks like I am. I do feel very unhappy about my situation. I feel very grossed out with many things and find some people to be really unclean so i do clean up after. Anyway i hope i can improve and relax a bit i feel very sad about this situation.

OP posts:
liveforsummer · 01/04/2023 16:46

It's fine if you want to do all that (but not healthy to be so anxious) but you can't enforce it on anyone else - way over the top. I couldn't live with someone dictating this and I wouldn't just be forgetting. I don't do most of those things

uncomfortablydumb53 · 01/04/2023 16:48

YABU
The only part I agree with is washing hands after takin bins out and I have never sprayed a sofa down in my life

YouJustDoYou · 01/04/2023 16:49

I was expecting some kind of "my husband doesn't wash for days" thread 😂

DeadbeatYoda · 01/04/2023 16:52

I think you might benefit from some counselling. I wonder if these OTT responses are just a symptom of underlying / generalised anxiety issues. The Gp would be a good place to start. All the best.

BellePeppa · 01/04/2023 16:53

Washing your hands after doing anything a bit mucky is what I’d expect to be normal behaviour but always changing your clothes when being out and insisting all others in the house do the same and spraying furniture after guests have been is definitely extreme. Fine if you live on your own and it’s how you personally want to live but not fine when others have to live with it too.

GlassBunion · 01/04/2023 17:14

It's important that you seek help as you may pass this on to your children.

Being constantly clinically clean is very unhealthy and can leave you/your family open to infections and viruses that most people would shrug off.

Has this feeling of being unclean escalated recently? Is this why you're asking?

Elderflower14 · 01/04/2023 17:18

YouJustDoYou · 01/04/2023 16:49

I was expecting some kind of "my husband doesn't wash for days" thread 😂

Me too!!

Howtostart · 01/04/2023 17:30

Anxiety of any kind is really horrible for you.

However, when your anxiety affects those around you then it's time to get help -and soon.

This anxiety can transfer to children if you have them - and I'm sure that is the last thing you want. It's very damaging to self confidence as I'm sure you already know.

DedicatedFollowerOfFashion84 · 01/04/2023 17:35

You 100% have an issue. Your obsession with hygiene is excessive and I’d strongly advise you seek professional help for it.

blebbleb · 01/04/2023 17:36

I'd expect an adult to wash his hands without me policing it. It sounds very controlling!

Crabwoman · 01/04/2023 17:36

You spray down your sofas? I would be worried about the amount of chemicals on services and in the air if my partner did that.

colachive · 01/04/2023 17:37

Please research obsessive compulsive disorder and how it can affect people, and if it feels familiar, speak to your GP. It’s driven by anxiety.

The only thing on this list that I recognise as being in the realms of normal is hand washing before food, but I haven’t done that since I was a kid!

fruitstick · 01/04/2023 17:45

I've just been a bit embarrassed as I walked the dog with a friend and he came back in and didn't rub him down very well before he jumped oj the sofa.

Then noticed how dirty our sofa cushions are currently.

What you describe is not hygiene, it's hyper vigilant anxiety.

Washing you hands, fair enough that's up to you.

Changing when you get home is normal from a comfort perspective but not something you can enforce because people aren't clean. And spraying the sofa when people leave is not OK. What do you think you are protecting yourself from.

BittenontheBum · 01/04/2023 17:47

@Cappuccino17 you're clearly having a tough time right now and maybe some of the responses you have got may seem harsh to you.
I think it's because these actions you are compelled to do are not most peoples day to day life.
Can I ask how long you have been doing this? Have the actions increased since covid?
Do the actions take up a lot of your time/brain space?
Would you consider discussing this with your GP?
Anxiety is a bastard in what ever way it manifests. It can be utterly exhausting.
But there is help if you think you'd like some. 💐

piedbeauty · 01/04/2023 17:49

Counselling might help you to change your mindset, op. You sound anxious and OTT around germs. Spraying down sofas - VVU. Washing hands before eating - fine.

defi · 01/04/2023 17:52

Ok some of those things are perfectly normal and if not they should be.

Washing hands when you come in
Washing hands before eating
I don't spray down sofas or blankets
I hate outside clothes being on my bed and prefer but don't insist on people changing

You lost me at washing stuff after people have visited. Can I ask what job you do? I work in an area of stem where hygiene is really important. So I imagine this colours my view.

megacat · 01/04/2023 17:55

OCD is the only mental health condition it appears to be fine to ridicule. Would you say to someone feeling suicidal it must be a joke? An April fool?

Some of these responses are horrid. OP likely knows her behaviour isn't right however unfortunately compulsions and intrusive thoughts don't give a shit whether they are being unreasonable or not.

Andi25693 · 01/04/2023 17:55

Washing hands after a dirty job / being out and about and touching lots of things that other have touched is basic hygiene.

Forcing people to change clothes as soon as they get in is a bit restrictive. I would not get into bed with "outdoor" clothes on (esp if I had ridden public transport) but sitting on the sofa is probably ok.
Spraying the sofa feel OTT - is it a leather one? How unclean are your friends?!

Wonnle · 01/04/2023 18:25

What colour are you spraying the sofa ?

TheOrigRights · 01/04/2023 18:26

Cappuccino17 · 01/04/2023 16:45

Thanks everyone for your responses. I was testing the waters to check if i was being OTT. it clearly looks like I am. I do feel very unhappy about my situation. I feel very grossed out with many things and find some people to be really unclean so i do clean up after. Anyway i hope i can improve and relax a bit i feel very sad about this situation.

It was good of you to come back OP.
I think it's going to take a bit more than learning to 'relax a bit' if this has been going on a long time, or makes you feel very anxious. Has your husband discussed it with you? Is he kind, understanding and supportive, or does he just do as you ask to keep things calm or does he challenge you?

I don't know enough about OCD to be able to suggest anything, but from my own experience with going outside of my comfort zone to challenge unhealthy behaviours I had to sit with the horrid feelings, knowing intellectually that nothing bad was going to happen, until they passed. Tiny tiny steps and steps forward then back and then forward again.

MrNook · 01/04/2023 18:30

Wonnle · 01/04/2023 18:25

What colour are you spraying the sofa ?

Hilarious

gogohmm · 01/04/2023 18:30

Please seek professional help (excluding the bins that is reasonable) don't let it get in the way of your relationship and family life. Not sure what your financial situation is but find a therapist who can get you to the point you can come in from the park and sit on the sofa without thinking about it

Original poster
Cappuccino17 · 01/04/2023 22:01

BittenontheBum · 01/04/2023 17:47

@Cappuccino17 you're clearly having a tough time right now and maybe some of the responses you have got may seem harsh to you.
I think it's because these actions you are compelled to do are not most peoples day to day life.
Can I ask how long you have been doing this? Have the actions increased since covid?
Do the actions take up a lot of your time/brain space?
Would you consider discussing this with your GP?
Anxiety is a bastard in what ever way it manifests. It can be utterly exhausting.
But there is help if you think you'd like some. 💐

Thank you,
Signs of this behaviour appeared during my first pregnancy 6 years ago. I would say it was pregnancy related anxiety. would have hyper anxiety with having clean hands. In particular after handling raw meat I'd wash my hands and the sink many times. Before this I'd never really cared I'd been very care free during my life pre pregnancy, never really washed hands etc unless eating. All very new at that point. It eased off a little after baby was born. I never did the clothing changes after taking her out to playgroups, never really washed her hands. But it all returned during covid and i fell pregnant during covid too so it was literally a double whack. I struggled with high amounts of anxiety during covid plus pregnancy and i felt so isolated and people surrounding me were just carrying on even pregnant people.

I feel over the past year iv thought of a lot of scenarios that could be bringing elements of dirt into the home and ways to tackle it. It takes up a lot of my mental energy I'm always on edge when I'm out and when i get back i think oh no I've got all this cleaning to do. So yes it takes up id say 70% of my mental space. Sometimes i don't want to go out because i just cannot be bothered with the after clean etc.
Weirdly i used to find a lot of comfort in lockdowns, rules were in place which included the hand washing which was encouraged a lot.
I definitely know i have an issue as i was remembering my life before all this when i didn't even bat an eyelid or have these thoughts and now it's taking over my life.

Iv not thought about a GP. It's only until now with so many people suggesting it including yourself that I would consider it as i don't want to live my life worrying. I feel so upset about it and I'm so uptight I've even lost my character. I offend people too with this high anxiety. I think someone asked me once do you think I'm that dirty when I'd asked if their hands were clean. Terrible i know. But my anxiety took over.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cappuccino17 · 01/04/2023 22:12

TheOrigRights · 01/04/2023 18:26

It was good of you to come back OP.
I think it's going to take a bit more than learning to 'relax a bit' if this has been going on a long time, or makes you feel very anxious. Has your husband discussed it with you? Is he kind, understanding and supportive, or does he just do as you ask to keep things calm or does he challenge you?

I don't know enough about OCD to be able to suggest anything, but from my own experience with going outside of my comfort zone to challenge unhealthy behaviours I had to sit with the horrid feelings, knowing intellectually that nothing bad was going to happen, until they passed. Tiny tiny steps and steps forward then back and then forward again.

Show quote history

Very true that relaxing a bit isn't going to get me over this. It has become a way of life! So really it will take time.
My husband has been understanding especially when i was pregnant during covid. He would really reassure me that he's cleaned his hands etc. He does change himself till today but only after work, not sure if he does it everytime we come in. I do and the kids do ( i change them) But i can feel he does some things unwillingly. And because he's much more carefree than me i feel I'm questioning him a lot. Have u done XYZ? Reason i ask is because he forgets.And he gets annoyed and sometimes he says he won't answer the question which really upsets me as it gets my anxiety heightened. I tell him i need reassurance but he walks away. This makes me lose trust in our marriage as i feel I'm struggling with something and i really need his support. I feel there is tension there. And he just becomes off with me.
He goes through phases sometimes he will be supportive and sometimes not but when he isnt i struggle and feel the tension.

OP posts: