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Original poster

Husband want to see other women if I don’t give him enough sex

94 replies

NatalieMaunders · 30/03/2023 12:09

I have been with my partner for 20 years and we have 5 children together. Our sex life was good until about 10 years ago when I just was so over whelmed with home life ( son became very poorly with schizophrenia) I was also diagnosed with an under active thyroid. Other awful things have happened which will be too long to get in to but I have really gone off sex. I have let him just have his way as he won’t stop, but I feel so so bad after. I’m on medication for anxiety and ptsd and I’m tired quite a lot. Every now and then I give him a cuddle so he knows I do still love him, but he thinks I want to take things further then gets upset if I say no.
so the other day my friend and neighbour invited me over for a take away ( I hardly leave the house) and when I told him, he said good he wished I went out more often so he could go on “Online dating”. I brushed the comment of, but last night I had a heart to heart with him and he said he has thought about cheating on me, and he has explored the online dating apps but has never joined, as well as looking at other women on line, and responding to message requests from other women on messenger.He said if I never give him sex he will look elsewhere. I feel so pressured now, but also I don’t think I trust him. I don’t k ow what to do.

OP posts:
BeautifulBirds · 30/03/2023 12:11

You tell him to leave.

He is, for all intents and purposes, raping you.

PragmaticWench · 30/03/2023 12:13

I think you need counselling to see if your marriage is viable. You have NO requirement to have sex that you don't want, that's vile, but equally your DH doesn't have to stay in a marriage where you no longer want sex at all.

For now, I'd say that all sex is off the table. He has no right to get stroppy if you don't want sex after a cuddle. You need to be certain he won't pressure you for sex otherwise you won't feel secure to make any decisions about all this.

PoppyCocky · 30/03/2023 12:13

Having sex when you don't want to is rape.
I would think about whether I want to stay in this marriage and if I do or need to for finances, I would accept his need to have sex but I wouldn't give in, I would give him my blessing to seek it out there and stay as cohabiting coparenting housemates. Ideally, you can financially leave him though.
It's not right to force you or guilt you into sex but it's also not right that he should be forced to be celibate. You all sound very unhappy.

crazeecatladee · 30/03/2023 12:15

Our sex life ceased at about 25yrs due to a medical problem. How we are still together I don't know. We didn't want to be celibate but that's how it's worked out. I do miss the closeness but I don't miss the sex.

glasshole · 30/03/2023 12:17

So he sees you as a hole to Fuck and that's it. He raises you and you carry this massive burden on your shoulders and feel like you have to just put up and shut up?

Fuck that.

Get rid of him. Yes it will be hard but after the initial break up where you are finding your feet, I bet you feel a hundred times better at no being regularly raped. AND you will magically find you need less anxiety medication as you won't be constantly worrying about the next rape by your (piece of shit) husband .

Honestly, get him in the fucking bin. Dirty bastard.

Sugargliderwombat · 30/03/2023 12:18

Op you absolutely don't have to have sex, but your husband doesn't have to stay in a sexless marriage either. Could you explore couples counselling ? Does he want to online date just for sex or for intimacy in general?

Sugargliderwombat · 30/03/2023 12:20

Oh my god I've just reread and totally missed the paragraph about letting him have his way! I saw a comment about rape and wondered what they were talking about, OP I take back everything I said. He hasn't spoken to you about this with respect he has been disgusting. Let him leave/ leave him. You deserve so much more.

Thesharkradar · 30/03/2023 12:20

I would let him crack on, make sure you have evidence of his cheating and then divorce him
He's a pig, you'll be better off without him

LaughingSomnambulist · 30/03/2023 12:22

Have you ever sat down and discussed having a sexless marriage?

I would not stay in a sexless marriage. The reason for it doesn’t really matter. You want a sexless life. He doesn’t. Your marriage is no longer viable. You really cannot expect someone to spend the only life they have without a massive part of life; sex and intimacy.

How you handle it is up to you both. Do you split up or do you agree to sex outside the marriage. You cannot ask him to give up sex if he has made it clear that he doesn’t want to live like a monk so you both need to figure out whether you split up or have an open marriage.

But do stop having sex when you don’t want it. If he knows you don’t want it, then he is raping you. If you’re pretending you do, then stop. You do not need to have sex when you do not want to.

Unfortunately, you just don’t sound compatible anymore.

Pinkbonbon · 30/03/2023 12:27

You know its OK to be single right?

Because I'd rather be single and sticking pins in my eyes than be married to your husband.

Life's short op. Get him out and live for you for once in your life.

Opentooffers · 30/03/2023 12:31

How old is your your youngest DC? I note you are not married- high risk with 5 DC unless you are the higher earner. I hope the house is in both your names.
Not content with using your body for his own gratification when it's obvious you are not into it, he is now happy to blackmail you to put out - that is abhorrant. His attitude would give any woman the ick.
Men tend to minimise, so if he does go out here and there on his own, I'd say he's done more than look already.
Consider different outcomes and what you'd like from your future and aim for that. If you want the family to stay together but understandably don't want sex with him again, you might have to agree to compromise, let him do whatever and co-parent in the same house - with separate bedrooms if have the space. There is a risk he could leave if he falls for someone other thN just sex, but then that has always been an easier possibility when not married. So get your ducks in a row just in case.
Or, he moves out now and you co- parent separately and aim to keep it amicable so the finances can get sorted out.

mybeautifuloak · 30/03/2023 12:40

You are no longer compatible. You are allowing him to have sex with you when you don't really want to. He wants a sex life. You don't. As difficult as it may seem you don't have any option other than to a) open up your marriage or b) split. That's it.

mummymeister · 30/03/2023 12:50

I have let him just have his way as he won’t stop, You do realise that this is what rape is OP? he wants to have it all doesnt he. the wife at home cooking, cleaning, washing his underwear, doing all the financials and having sex elsewhere. what do you get out of this arrangement? think about it, write it down. honestly you have clearly gone so far down the road of suppression by this monster that you cant even recognise rape. very very worried for you. you need help and you need it now.

LaughingSomnambulist · 30/03/2023 12:59

mummymeister · 30/03/2023 12:50

I have let him just have his way as he won’t stop, You do realise that this is what rape is OP? he wants to have it all doesnt he. the wife at home cooking, cleaning, washing his underwear, doing all the financials and having sex elsewhere. what do you get out of this arrangement? think about it, write it down. honestly you have clearly gone so far down the road of suppression by this monster that you cant even recognise rape. very very worried for you. you need help and you need it now.

Why sensationalise?
She has written nothing about their life outside of sex. You know nothing about their financials or they housework arrangements. Why make stuff up just so you can pretend your anger is righteous? You don’t know anything.

You also don’t need to make stuff up. The sex when she doesn’t want it is abhorrent enough. This is someone’s real life. They are asking for real help. Don’t start making stuff up, chucking it in a hysterical paragraph and getting all frothed up.

ItsMeAgainYesHowDidYouGuess2 · 30/03/2023 13:34

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Greenolivetrees · 30/03/2023 13:38

You don't want sex, he doesn't want a life without sex. Both are reasonable, so now you decide if you break up the marriage or open up the marriage. It's that simple, really.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 30/03/2023 13:42

If you DID give in, OP, he wouldn't be satisfied with that. He would though lose all respect for you and hook up outside your marriage whenever he gets the chance because he is a louse.

You don't need a marriage like this, you deserve so much better and being on your own would achieve that. For yours and your children's sake, get out, get away from him. Thanks

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 30/03/2023 13:45

This is not to you, OP - I guess anybody can give themselves whatever label they fancy, 'radical feminist'? OP's being subjected to rape. Disgusting.

Naunet · 30/03/2023 13:46

ugh, he sounds repulsive and like the sort of man who thinks sex is something you let him do, rather than something you are meant to get any pleasure from. I’d be tempted to tell him I was going to start online dating too to look for a man who can actually make me orgasm, and then I’d kick him out.

Yes, wanting sex in a relationship is normal, what is not normal is bullying your partner with threats in order to make them submit to your demands.

Thesharkradar · 30/03/2023 13:47

Unless he's very good looking with a good physique he won't get much action from online dating, he sounds very entitled and will no doubt think he ought to be able to access the bodies of women who are out of his League in the looks department.
He'll end up paying for it

twolilacs · 30/03/2023 13:52

I'm appalled at his attitude.

If he cannot cope with the situation as it is, then he needs to do the decent thing and leave, not coerce you with threats like this.

ItsMeAgainYesHowDidYouGuess2 · 30/03/2023 13:57

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LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 30/03/2023 14:00

I have too, ItsMeAgain and I find your post disgraceful.

SaveMeFromMyBoobs · 30/03/2023 14:00

You are absolutely entitled to not want sex OP, but you also can't expect your husband to want to stay in a sexless marriage. After 10 years of no sex, he's probably realised this wasn't a temporary thing and isn't going to get better, and now he's tempted by what else is out there.

He's communicated that sex is a deal breaker for him. You can choose to seperate, you could choose to open the marriage, you could decide that you want to want sex and pursue treatment options. That choice is up to you.

People say he's 'making threats' or giving an ultimatum of have sex with me or I'll leave/cheat, but aren't you also silently issuing an ultimatum of accepting a life with no sex or break his vows?

Logicoutofthewindow · 30/03/2023 14:01

@NatalieMaunders

It doesn't sound like he makes you happy or feel good about yourself or actually care about your feelings and what you want at all. Why are you still with him? What does he bring to the relationship?

Would you be better to actually just not be with him?