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Original poster

No birthday sex?

88 replies

Doodles29 · 30/03/2023 06:08

Hi all. Myself and partner have been together for about a year.

Yesterday was my birthday and we had a lovely evening out with my family to celebrate. He was really kind, ordered me flowers to be delivered at my workplace and we are going to the theatre at the weekend.

I drove back to his afterwards and as soon as we get in, he heads to the toilet for a really long time. I lay in bed waiting for him. After a while, he comes back, gets into bed and calls the dog up on the bed. He turns the light off, gives me a hug and tells me how much he loves me and then rolls over to sleep.

I felt sexually frustrated and made a comment along the lines of “I guess my birthday sex will have to wait”. He then explained that I should have initiated something if I wanted it. This erupted into an argument and this morning I feel terrible.

I feel like I ruined a good day, but in that moment I felt annoyed. On his birthday, he made it very clear that birthday sex was a thing. I think it didn’t help that my friends and family were jokingly saying ‘birthday sex night!’ ; and perhaps I set that as an expectation.

I felt upset that I met his needs on his birthday, but he couldn’t meet mine. I said to him that he can sometimes be selfish when it comes to intimacy. For example, expects me to go down on him but won’t do the same for me.

Should I apologise? I feel that my behaviour was ugly but also felt quite unattractive in the moment.

OP posts:
wineandcheeseplease · 30/03/2023 06:23

Wtf is birthday sex.

Yes you should apologise and initiate things you want not expect them

QuiltedHippo · 30/03/2023 06:25

Your family... went on..about the birthday sex you'd get... that is so odd

STARCATCHER22 · 30/03/2023 06:28

QuiltedHippo · 30/03/2023 06:25

Your family... went on..about the birthday sex you'd get... that is so odd

This. So so weird that everyone was at dinner talking about you having sex.

I kinda feel like him being in the toilet for ages when you got home could be the answer here. Maybe he had a dodgy tummy after dinner and then didn’t want to have sex?

If he’s as selfish as the end of your post hints, maybe cut your losses. It’s only been a year 🤷🏻‍♀️

sorrynotathome · 30/03/2023 06:28

Your friends and family were saying "birthday sex night"?? Ewwww.

Not sure you're compatible, OP, from what you've said. And you clearly can't talk to him properly about how you feel.

Dancemonkee · 30/03/2023 06:31

🤨🤨

Restlessinthenorth · 30/03/2023 06:32

OP, kindly, listen to yourself. He's just told you he loved you after a nice evening. Your reply "I guess I'm not getting my birthday sex". You sound like a spoilt child. I cannot imagine a bigger turn off than this kind of behaviour. I would also have found it incredibly odd that guests at a birthday meal were going on about it and that would have been a passion killer for me too! I've had dozens of birthday meals in my life and never had one friend or family refer to the "birthday sex" I would have later. I can see why your partner was ready to go to sleep!

rwalker · 30/03/2023 06:32

Sounds like he had a quick wank not expecting sex

name985 · 30/03/2023 06:32

I can't get over the family mentioning birthday sex... Confused

Weird as fuck

MissMarplesbag · 30/03/2023 06:34

QuiltedHippo · 30/03/2023 06:25

Your family... went on..about the birthday sex you'd get... that is so odd

Some people have no boundaries and it looks like the op is from such a group of people. No boundaries, a sense of entitlement & zero social communication skills. Plus, no understanding of appropriate behaviour in a public setting.

Normally, people don't discuss when they're having sex with their family. Why don't you discuss your needs with your partner instead of the entire planet via mumsnet?

GobbieMaggie · 30/03/2023 06:35

Perhaps he had the Earths Kitts and felt a bit dodgy.

Zipettydooda · 30/03/2023 06:40

The family going on about birthday sex would be a huge turn off. It sounds like you’ve shared your in-joke and details of your sex life with them when it should be just between you and DP.

StrawHatOnTheParcelShelf · 30/03/2023 06:43

You were totally in the wrong to just lay there and expect him to read your mind without communicating or initiating anything yourself, then make a passive aggressive comment.

But for this, he's a dickhead.
expects me to go down on him but won’t do the same for me

idontlikementhols · 30/03/2023 06:46

Gross. Your family banging on (no pun intended) about you shagging, and then you lying there and demanding it.

Sleepyandconfused · 30/03/2023 06:54

Ugh.

It sounds like he made a huge effort and was loving and respectful, and in return you treated him like a piece of meat. I’ve also never heard of ‘birthday sex’ and would be disgusted if my DH treated me like you treated him.

You need to apologise.

Sleepyandconfused · 30/03/2023 06:55

Also, your family and friends sound creepy and inappropriate.

dooneyousmugelf · 30/03/2023 06:56

Did it not kill the mood a bit that he was clearly doing a massive shit?

Agree the 'birthday sex' and friends and family referring to it was grim.

youtwoandme · 30/03/2023 07:05

rwalker · 30/03/2023 06:32

Sounds like he had a quick wank not expecting sex

🤣🤣🤣 my first thought!

How very inappropriate of your family talking about you two having sex!!! That's very weird OP.

Shoxfordian · 30/03/2023 07:05

Sounds like you were being quite immature tbh, why did all your friends and family start saying birthday sex? You may as well have invited them up to watch 🤣🙄

thegrain · 30/03/2023 07:15

I think it didn’t help that my friends and family were jokingly saying ‘birthday sex night

WTAF

AndiOliversFan · 30/03/2023 07:18

The dinner with your coarse family probably have him the ick.

iamcatz · 30/03/2023 07:20

You have a very weird dynamic with your family. Birthday sex isn't a thing, nobody owes you sex for special dates. If you want sex in the future communicate clearly with your partner about your intentions and see what they say. It's fine for them to say no!

Dragonsandcats · 30/03/2023 07:21

name985 · 30/03/2023 06:32

I can't get over the family mentioning birthday sex... Confused

Weird as fuck

Yes, grim.

GreyCarpet · 30/03/2023 07:23

youtwoandme · 30/03/2023 07:05

🤣🤣🤣 my first thought!

How very inappropriate of your family talking about you two having sex!!! That's very weird OP.

Show quote history

Mine too 🤷🏻‍♀️

But, no, birthday sex is not a thing. You're not owed sex on the anniversary of the day you were born and its odd that your family behave as though you are.

Lots of people will have sex on their birthday but that's because they both want sex and not because it is owed to one person by another.

AnotherCountryMummy · 30/03/2023 07:23

Maybe he had an upset tummy from the meal, hence the long time in the bathroom and so didn't feel like sex. If it was reversed and he got all shirty about sex, you'd probably feel like a ragdoll. I don't see the problem, it's not like you didn't have a lovely day.

bigbluehamster · 30/03/2023 07:25

I think being passive and then being annoyed when something doesn't happen is the problem, here.

He was right in that if you did want it, you could've initiated rather than waiting for him and then being passive aggressive.

Something about treating sex as a tit for tat arrangement or birthday favour doesn't sit right with me, either, for some reason.