I think DP is having an emotional affair

[Sickened]

Sorry if it's a long one, regular poster but name changed.

My DP and O have been together 15 years and have a 4 year old DD together. The last 4 years haven't been easy, following a high risk pregnancy, traumatic birth and DD being born with a disability I feel like I have lost myself a little.

I've never ever have thought DP was the type of man to betray me but I think he has. Around 2 months ago he said that his feelings towards me have changed and that I've not been showing him enough affection and we hadn't had sex for 3 months. I listened to everything he had to say and agreed that I had been preoccupied with DD, a new promotion I'd got at work and just general day to day life. I've been making a conscious effort to make time for us as a couple, I've gone and bought some sexy lingerie and initiated sex several times over the last 2 months and have been told no every time. He doesn't feel a spark between us anymore and doesn't know what he wants. It's a punch to the gut but still I'm making an effort and trying to win him over.

The last few months he has been staying up until 04:00 drinking, I only know what time he's come to bed by the "last online" on WhatsApp. His phone is never out of his hands at the minute, I mean he will take it into the shower room with him. I've never in the last 15 years thought about looking through his phone but this is making me suspicious. He's not the type of guy to put kisses on the end of a text to friends or family, only me. Recently I've been receiving a whole row of kisses on the end of messages as opposed to the usual 1 or two. Again, nothing in the grand scheme of things but it sent my Spidey senses tingling. He's recently changed his silly WhatsApp picture of us to just him. Again, on its own nothing much but it adds to the picture.

So after another sexual rejection he left his smart watch upstairs last night and I went through it. It doesn't hold much memory so there's not much on there. But there are texts between him and a female colleague with him calling her babe and at the end of every message between them both is a row of kisses!! The next part makes me feel sick but in one of her messages she's says "love you xxxxx" and no response from him. Im going to assume he's deleted his replies as the conversation doesn't make much sense.

I feel sick to my core, the man I've loved for the last 15 years, is doing this. Am I going crazy or is he having an affair? He doesn't go anywhere other than work (except for last Saturday when he went out for a couple of beers with his friend... again could be a lie could have been her)

Whether it's physical or emotional it's happening. I would say give yourself some space to have your emotional reactions (anger, grief, fear, whatever) but also give yourself time to think about what you really want after this.

If it’s not physical yet it’s getting there.

Tell him you know about (name) and to pack his shit, watch him cry and beg and slam the door in his face.

I’m sorry op x

Thank you ladies. Unfortunately I can't kick him out as the house is mortgaged in just his name due to me only earning very little at the time.

I did some Facebook snooping on this girl last week as I had my suspicions it was her then and it showed her as his friend. Now she's disappeared, not showing as his friend and not showing as being on Facebook at all. I'm going to assume she's blocked me.

Im sorry OP. You've been through a lot. Hes investing his time in someone else and has been rejecting your effort. I'd start getting your ducks in a row and see a solicitor etc so you know your rights. Once he realises you know, you need to have your wits about you. I've been in your shoes, it hurts so much and its so disappointing

Are you guys married?

I'm so sorry. He's likely cheating with the co worker. He's giving you the classic cheaters script.

How are your finances now? Any savings?
I understand the house isn't in your name, have you been paying towards the house?

Where do you stand financially if you split?

Personally I wouldn't say anything to him until you are ready, but would keep looking, and getting ready for what life might be like if you split. It sounds like he could be laying the groundwork to leave, not just an affair.

@Sickened you don't seem to be hearing him. He is telling you that he doesn't feel the same anymore and has actively sought out someone else.

You're clinging on, digging around for hard proof of an affair when you've already been told he just doesn't love you the same. He isn't trying at all. You can't save the marriage when he won't engage with you and make efforts too.

Go see a solicitor so you know what rights you have regarding the house, pensions etc and then let him go.

You still have a full life ahead of you and one day you will look back and regret doing the 'pick me' dance to try to keep a man who doesn't love or respect you enough to at least try to save the relationship.

I would suggest he does know what he wants, just isn’t brave enough to tell you that it isn’t you anymore so he’s been playing you both. Decide instead what you do and don’t want op and you definitely don’t want some cheating loser like him

You are not married and you are not on the mortgage, this leaves you in a very vulnerable position financially.

Tell him you want the house put in joint names and see what his reaction is.

No, we're not married. I've always wanted to be, but he was never interested. Not even as much as an engagement ring on my finger.

My finances are better now, I'm the higher earner now and I will be able to afford to separate and move to a rental for the time being. My savings have all be spent on doing the house up over the last few years so I don't have enough for a deposit to buy another house atm but I could get one within 12-18 months.

Im looking for proof as nobody will believe he could do this. He's a respectable family guy who used to be devoted to us. Now he's a snappy selfish man who only cares about his needs.

@FartSock5000 thank you for the tough love. I have been doing the pick me dance, but not anymore. I told him during a conversation last night that I can't keep making an effort and getting nothing back from him. He's emotionally cut off to me, calling another woman "babe" in a message sickened me, he doesn't talk like that

This is great news OP. Start to get organised quickly to become financially independent and disentangled. See a solicitor. Get as much of the house etc that you can.

What do you prefer shared custody to look like? You could easily end up with your DD almost all the time unless you set up shared parenting expectations from the start. Don't let him leave you holding the baby full time if that's not what you want.

If the OW has blocked you on fb, I think you should presume she knows they have been rumbled and will tell him so. Acting quickly is a good idea now.

Good luck. You'll get fantastic support on here.

@Sickened

My finances are better now, I'm the higher earner now and I will be able to afford to separate and move to a rental for the time being. My savings have all be spent on doing the house up over the last few years so I don't have enough for a deposit to buy another house atm but I could get one within 12-18 months.

Thank goodness you are earning well enough to get a rental place hopefully before too long. Xx you ring-fence the money you paid from your savings on his property (eg through a Deed/Declaration of Trust)? If not you might still be able to claim a financial interest on the amount you paid on his house (have you kept clear receipts, correspondence etc) BUT this is something a solicitor can better inform you on.

Don't tell him anything of what you are planning until you have everything in place, have your legal documents, items of personal/sentimental value safely out of his house. 🌹

@Elsanore I wouldn't want 50/50 as it would be too disruptive for my DD but I'd be happy if he had her 1 or two nights a week.

@Newestname002 nope I have nothing, I paid half of the deposit from savings when we moved in and have been paying half of the mortgage payments to him monthly. Stupidly I believed that this would be our forever home and I would eventually go on the mortgage or we'd get married. Sadly neither will happen now

See a solicitor for a one off session about this before you say anything to him.
It’s difficult as you’re not married or named on the house deeds, but if you can prove that you paid half the deposit and half the mortgage every month, and towards refurb costs, your solicitor can advise how you can make a claim on the property.
Hopefully he plays fair with the finances so that it doesn’t go down a full legal route

That’s awful you paid half the deposit for a boyfriend with zero legal protections in place, that’s more of a loss than some crap bloke. No point wasting your valuable time getting ‘proof’, or arguing, just dump him and find your own home. Life will feel so free and peaceful without this man dragging you down.

Sickened

putting aside the emotional devastation 💔

splitting is very very easy when not married

you can use a solicitor for not much money to draw up a parenting plan and agree custody

I’d also try and get your deposit back in FULL

you might have to write off the mortgage cont as you would have paid rent
but that deposit needs to come back to you

do you want a referral is used a very good legal firm for mine

the law will mainly focus on childcare , maintenance and getting back the money you invested

get that all documented asap

I can’t imagine how crap you feel , but know that when you parent him with the legal plans he will totally shit himself x

dont assume you have lost deposit
its all going to be documented very cleanly as bank transfers etc

Why haven't you had sex for 3 months? I can only tell you that my DH often leaves it for 2 months, and if I worked with men, I'm pretty sure I would have my head turned. And I have no desire to cheat on him, but I feel neglected. Have you confronted him?

Get some proper legal advice. If you paid half the deposit and are paying half the mortgage, it’s not at all clear why you wouldn’t be named on the title deed. But don’t worry about that now. Speak to a lawyer - if you can prove your contribution to the deposit and the repairs, I see no reason why you shouldn’t recover something for them. After all, you were doing them for your shared benefit, not just his.

As for not even being engaged - that offers no protection in England. You have to be married. For now - anyway: there is a law review afoot because the law as it stands now is so out of date - it presumes marriage but so many couples now co-habit without marriage. But since you’re now the higher earner, perhaps it’s no bad thing you’re unmarried.

BeachBlondey

jesus wept
she’s lost 4 years to having a disabled child
and when she tried it on he rejected her , saw that ?

have some fucking humanity

PS on the Facebook thing. I imagine what happened is that because you looked at her profile and you have a shared friend in common (for now!!!) in your partner, you popped up as a friend suggestion for her. She probably looked at it and deleted and blocked in panic, but that doesn't mean either of them suspect you know.

Oh do be quiet BeachBlondie. Have some compassion.