I think DP is having an emotional affair

[Sickened]

Sorry if it's a long one, regular poster but name changed.

My DP and O have been together 15 years and have a 4 year old DD together. The last 4 years haven't been easy, following a high risk pregnancy, traumatic birth and DD being born with a disability I feel like I have lost myself a little.

I've never ever have thought DP was the type of man to betray me but I think he has. Around 2 months ago he said that his feelings towards me have changed and that I've not been showing him enough affection and we hadn't had sex for 3 months. I listened to everything he had to say and agreed that I had been preoccupied with DD, a new promotion I'd got at work and just general day to day life. I've been making a conscious effort to make time for us as a couple, I've gone and bought some sexy lingerie and initiated sex several times over the last 2 months and have been told no every time. He doesn't feel a spark between us anymore and doesn't know what he wants. It's a punch to the gut but still I'm making an effort and trying to win him over.

The last few months he has been staying up until 04:00 drinking, I only know what time he's come to bed by the "last online" on WhatsApp. His phone is never out of his hands at the minute, I mean he will take it into the shower room with him. I've never in the last 15 years thought about looking through his phone but this is making me suspicious. He's not the type of guy to put kisses on the end of a text to friends or family, only me. Recently I've been receiving a whole row of kisses on the end of messages as opposed to the usual 1 or two. Again, nothing in the grand scheme of things but it sent my Spidey senses tingling. He's recently changed his silly WhatsApp picture of us to just him. Again, on its own nothing much but it adds to the picture.

So after another sexual rejection he left his smart watch upstairs last night and I went through it. It doesn't hold much memory so there's not much on there. But there are texts between him and a female colleague with him calling her babe and at the end of every message between them both is a row of kisses!! The next part makes me feel sick but in one of her messages she's says "love you xxxxx" and no response from him. Im going to assume he's deleted his replies as the conversation doesn't make much sense.

I feel sick to my core, the man I've loved for the last 15 years, is doing this. Am I going crazy or is he having an affair? He doesn't go anywhere other than work (except for last Saturday when he went out for a couple of beers with his friend... again could be a lie could have been her)

@shutthewindownow the phone never leaves his sight when he's awake, so it's been difficult to have a look on it. I have to get up for work at 05:00 when he's still snoring his head off, so I'm planning to take it downstairs with me tomorrow morning and hope he hasn't changed his passcode. He's a smart man, so I wouldn't be shocked if it's changed or everything's been deleted.

I don't feel very strong, I feel weak and inadequate. I lifted the OW's number from his smart watch last night and checked her out her WhatsApp picture, younger, thinner...

I wouldn't confront him at all yet. Get your things in order first.
Since you've paid for half of everything, you really need to get your name on the house in some way or the other. Do not confront him until you have done this. Play it out to him, like it's time it happens as you earn etc.
Once your name is on the house, you can speak to him about the other stuff. I wouldn't just rely on people saying that as you have a child together you'll be entitled to the house. So many horror stories that it's better you are named on the house. Otherwise the other w will be enjoying your house.

Don't give up on a share of the house. Not suggesting you use this firm, but just an example of what might be achievable.

https://www.churchers.co.uk/churchers-news/what-are-your-rights-if-your-name-is-not-on-the-deeds/

You are strong OP. You are better than grubbing round on his phone.

Also it could derail your plans to quietly leave one day - as reading that crap is likely to make you angry and confront him which won’t go well.

100% he will not put your name on the house now after all this time and with this going on so I think the advice to get him to do that will only raise his suspicions and cause some unpleasant scenes. Amazing how nasty people you thought you knew can get when you potentially threaten their finances and in general when they are cheating.

If you got OW’s number in order to call then I would wait until after you have secured a place for you and DD. That call will not go well. In fact I wouldn’t do it at all. Take the higher ground all the way.

I wouldn’t want to be her for anything. What a catch! A man who hasn’t made sure his partner of 15 years has an equal share of the home they paid for together. A man who’s prepared to sneak around cheating while his partner is run ragged working and caring for a DD with special needs. Grim.

You will be OK OP! Xx

Just wanted to give you a bit of moral support OP. I've been there.
It gets so much better after you leave.

I’m sorry you’re going through this. And I’m glad you’ve backed off of the concrete evidence to prove to everyone thing, it’s a common delaying tactic to put off the inevitable in the hope that if you don’t find it you can justify to yourself to stay.

the relationship is clearly over, he’s making that clear. It doesn’t really matter who jumps first to be honest. The deed is already done.

@Catoo oh god no I've got no interest in contacting her at all, I don't want her to know how it's affecting me. I got her number out of curiosity to see if her WhatsApp picture matched up with the Facebook account I saw the other week and who he thought was worth wrecking our family for.

@Littleloveydovey I'm still going to look for more evidence, if I don't find anything I know it's not because there's nothing going on, it's because he's good at covering his tracks

Op if she's blocked you you can find out . Go on your block list and up the top of it youl have the option to type a name in to block . If hers still comes up she's 100 percent blocked you if it doesn't then she's decativated

I mean this very gently indeed. But I think you’re still not hearing him. He isn’t wrecking it for her. It was already wrecked for him . He just went looking for the exit route. She’s irrelevant. It is not and never has been about her. It is and always has been about you and him.

when he told you his feelings had changed then you need to understand that he would have been thinking this for some very considerable time before he dared articulated it, it wasn’t an impulsive statement, when he then told you there was no spark between you anymore, he wasn’t sure what he wanted, he was doubling down and making sure you understood. He wasn’t telling you he wanted fancy underwear and more sex, he was telling uou for him it was over. He’s just slowly extricating himself and letting you get used to it.

it has ended for many reasons. But she isn’t one of them.

@Littleloveydovey

Agree completely. Theres this myth that people cheat because some random person turned their head. Happy people don't cheat, especially when they have already indicated things aren't working out for them as he has.

In fact if you confront him with the "affair" he may be relieved because he knows you will finally get the message its over

These are wise words. I agree with this OP. He has told you how he feels. Take him at his word. Move on with dignity.
It’s so so hard I know, but you’re doing well so far.
If there is a chance he will change his mind, it will only be with some time and distance between you. And hopefully by then you won’t care anymore.
Also, won’t it be great knowing you calmly moved on, gave him no drama to justify his actions over, and coldly claimed all the financial dues owed to you.
xx

God, what a piece of shit. I'm so sorry for you op.
Definitely go and see a solicitor behind his back - you'll have evidence of paying deposit and mortgage so that may mean you have a claim on the house.

If you can, get evidence of the cheating. Photos on your phone etc. email them to yourself or a close friend.

*I mean this very gently indeed. But I think you’re still not hearing him. He isn’t wrecking it for her. It was already wrecked for him . He just went looking for the exit route. She’s irrelevant. It is not and never has been about her. It is and always has been about you and him.

when he told you his feelings had changed then you need to understand that he would have been thinking this for some very considerable time before he dared articulated it, it wasn’t an impulsive statement, when he then told you there was no spark between you anymore, he wasn’t sure what he wanted, he was doubling down and making sure you understood. He wasn’t telling you he wanted fancy underwear and more sex, he was telling uou for him it was over. He’s just slowly extricating himself and letting you get used to it.

it has ended for many reasons. But she isn’t one of them.*

Nobody knows this. He first said he wasn't happy and his feelings had changed 2 months ago. I agree this would have been brewing for a while before that.

However we don't know how long she's been on the scene.

His story sounds very much like "the script" and that usually indicates an affair. For all we know it began a year ago

However what I would say as that it's irrelevant. You have enough to know you need to leave

Im sorry OP. I hope you can at least demonstrate that you have some claim to the house. Absolute fucker he is, it sounds like he’s been stringing you along for years.

you deserve much better.

I really don't think it's helpful to try and magic away the pain that cheating causes by saying "oh it's nothing to do with her it's between you two".

Without her a rut might have been worked through.

She's a very relevant factor and his decision to lie is his weakness and in no sense anything OP is responsible for.

I'm sorry he's done this OP.

I'm absolutely in awe of how calmly and dignified you are dealing with all of this.

How are @Sickened?

Absolutely agree with this.

She may be the catalyst - the easy way out for a bloke who can't leave when unhappy but who needs someone waiting for him.

Pair of sods, both of them.

OP, you deserve better.

He’s literally said he doesn’t want to be with you anymore. You need to believe him and work out an amicable way to split.

No blaming yourself. Three months isn’t that long to not have sex, especially considering everything you’ve been through!
You guys need to talk.

OP you ok? Xxx

@RudsyFarmer but he hasn't said that, he says he doesn't know what he wants. He still loves me but his feelings have changed.

I didn't go through his phone as I had planned, instead I just asked him what was going on with his colleague. He tried to deny there was anything untoward happening and I should trust him. Until I said I'd seen some messages, he says that they're just flirting with each other and doesn't see the issue with that. Turns out she also has a long term partner who she's having a tough time at home with so they've bonded over their awful partners. He doesn't have feelings for her and nothing has happened but the thought has crossed his mind. We actually had a good talk through everything and how he had crossed a boundary which he now agrees he has and will knock it on the head. I don't know how I feel so have asked him to move out for a few days.

During the conversation I did accept that I have neglected him for a few months but it wasn't that I didn't want him I was just preoccupied with life. So, we'll see where we are when he comes back next week. Personally I think this is the end of the road, I'm very self conscious and don't think I'll be able to settle my head from constantly thinking is he texting her.

You need ro get smart. Marry him, get a legal document drawn up, do whatever you need to do so when he does finish things you can recoup some of the money you have put into the house. Do this for your daughters future. Do it now while he is being nice. Good luck.

He gaslighting you
Just because nothing physical has happened doesn't mean it's not an affair, they'll more than likely take this underground now as he's been found out
Emotional Affairs are just as damaging as physical affairs.....and please OP don't blame yourself for this!

@Bugbabe1970 I think you're right, I would rather him have had a one night stand with a random woman on a night out who he'll never meet again than whatever this is. I feel like I'm not going to be able to just relax around him, because this will always be on the back of my mind.