I think DP is having an emotional affair

[Sickened]

Sorry if it's a long one, regular poster but name changed.

My DP and O have been together 15 years and have a 4 year old DD together. The last 4 years haven't been easy, following a high risk pregnancy, traumatic birth and DD being born with a disability I feel like I have lost myself a little.

I've never ever have thought DP was the type of man to betray me but I think he has. Around 2 months ago he said that his feelings towards me have changed and that I've not been showing him enough affection and we hadn't had sex for 3 months. I listened to everything he had to say and agreed that I had been preoccupied with DD, a new promotion I'd got at work and just general day to day life. I've been making a conscious effort to make time for us as a couple, I've gone and bought some sexy lingerie and initiated sex several times over the last 2 months and have been told no every time. He doesn't feel a spark between us anymore and doesn't know what he wants. It's a punch to the gut but still I'm making an effort and trying to win him over.

The last few months he has been staying up until 04:00 drinking, I only know what time he's come to bed by the "last online" on WhatsApp. His phone is never out of his hands at the minute, I mean he will take it into the shower room with him. I've never in the last 15 years thought about looking through his phone but this is making me suspicious. He's not the type of guy to put kisses on the end of a text to friends or family, only me. Recently I've been receiving a whole row of kisses on the end of messages as opposed to the usual 1 or two. Again, nothing in the grand scheme of things but it sent my Spidey senses tingling. He's recently changed his silly WhatsApp picture of us to just him. Again, on its own nothing much but it adds to the picture.

So after another sexual rejection he left his smart watch upstairs last night and I went through it. It doesn't hold much memory so there's not much on there. But there are texts between him and a female colleague with him calling her babe and at the end of every message between them both is a row of kisses!! The next part makes me feel sick but in one of her messages she's says "love you xxxxx" and no response from him. Im going to assume he's deleted his replies as the conversation doesn't make much sense.

I feel sick to my core, the man I've loved for the last 15 years, is doing this. Am I going crazy or is he having an affair? He doesn't go anywhere other than work (except for last Saturday when he went out for a couple of beers with his friend... again could be a lie could have been her)

Sounds like she's a colleague of his. And yes, he's being unfaithful. I'm sorry 😞

Definitely gets your ducks in a row and plan your next steps. He's such a cliched idiot.

Just tell him you don't feel happy not being on the deeds any more. I wouldn't say a single thing about anything else until you are sorted financially.

If he initiates a split, absolutely assume you will split the house profit 50:50 even though you know it isn't legally true. He may still have a conscience

Im looking for proof as nobody will believe he could do this. He's a respectable family guy who used to be devoted to us. Now he's a snappy selfish man who only cares about his needs.

Respectable family men marry their partners so they are protected.

No, we're not married. I've always wanted to be, but he was never interested. Not even as much as an engagement ring on my finger.

You've been together for 15 years, he's never going to marry you and he will never put you on the deeds to the house. Why would he?

Time to get organised and find your own place.

@BeachBlondey having a 4 year old disabled daughter whom I have to get up to see to several times in the night and then get up at 05:00 for an hour drive into work then 13 hour shift and an hour back home again, sex hasn't really been at the top of my agenda. I should have made more effort it's true, but I've been genuinely exhausted and thought we were strong enough together to pass her night waking stage and then have more us time when she's through it.

To the posters suggesting legal advice thank you, I've booked in to see someone next week. Fingers crossed, but I'm not holding out much hope.

Regarding the Facebook blocking, she did pop up on my "people you may know" after I had clicked on her page, so you may be right there.

I've not spoken to him about this yet, I want concrete evidence first. But I'm trying to get a viewing at a lovely little rental near my parents hopefully the estate agents call me back this afternoon.

I know it's over, I just feel that having their conversations in front of me will help me get some sort of closure and some sleep would be nice!

Sounds familiar.
When you got the time to take care of him (like he couldn't take care of himself been and adult) everything is wine a roses. When you have too much on your plate because of course you have to manage all. He not only not reciprocate the attention given, he withdrawal form the relationship because you have changed. That is a pile of nonsense.
Parenthood changes people's life. That is a fact. He sounds like my ex partner a man child that doesn't want to cope with any struggle life can bring like normal parenting stuff and a bit more in your case as your child has special needs. Do not blame yourself for any of his doing or his decisions. You are a human and you can have stressful times. He did not confort you during the past months, he just decided that the grass is greener with someone else.
Do what you think is best for you and your child but do not lie to yourself and do not take any responsibility of what he has done.

Hopefully you can evidence all the money you have put into the property and the fact that you have a dependent DD could mean that a court could award you monies being returned.

I am so sorry he has strung you along without marriage, make your first step claiming CMS as well as getting legal advice. CMS does not get backdated so put in a claim and hope he pays up amicably.

Let him feel as guilty as hell and use that time to get in writing that he does owe you money from the property.

Hopefully your DD will cope with EOW including 2 nights, you need to rest and recover and sleep too

You'll have a claim on the deposit and repairs to negotiate don't walk away with nothing unless you signed it over as a gift. Verbal agreements apply with property.

I’m so sorry OP.
You have the proof of what he’s up to. You don’t need to torture yourself with the full details.
Well done on getting financial advice. Get all the docs proving your contributions together. You may be entitled to more than you think.
This is all shite but it will get better. X

Been and had a catch up with my oldest friend tonight and she has helped me firmly put everything into perspective.

Thank you ladies for you messages today it's meant a lot knowing that I wasn't being paranoid over everything.

I've only seen him for 5 minutes today and he was acting frosty but that's normal for us at the minute.

Get hold of a copy of ‘leave a cheater gain a life’ seek legal advice and get your ducks in a row while he’s oblivious to you knowing. If you need checking get STD checks.

What an absolute cliched disappointment he is. You deserve so much better.

I'm glad you saw a good friend today @Sickened I found myself thinking about you and hoping you were okay

I hope the legal advice goes equally well and you get a nice clean break that frees you in ways that you don't think possible.

Hope you are ok
Just want to send you a big hug x

Now he’s a snappy selfish man who only cares about his needs.

@Sickened, it sounds like your P has emotionally abandoned you and your little daughter. He’s morphed into an entitled, cheating cliche.

Please be aware that P’s detachment is not due to anything you’ve done or haven’t done. Yes, he has used the manipulative tactic of shifting the blame to the lack of your attention. That’s hogwash. The truth is that he was investing elsewhere way before he announced his changed feelings. He’s been devaluing you and creating distance to make space for OW and to justify his infidelity/disloyalty.

What you’ve seen so far would be enough for me:
*Illicit relationship, exchanging kisses with “babe” OW, who says she loves him and has blocked you
*Deleting their messages and showing new phone behavior
*Announcement that he doesn’t feel the same
*Contemptuous and disengaged — blaming you
*Giving less while you give more
*Callous disregard for your efforts toward him and DD or for your exhaustion

@Sickened, he’s a despicable partner and father. Get informed, make an exit strategy, call out his infidelity, and leave to create a new, enriched life for you and DD.

@MsDogLady thank you that resonated with me so much. You're right, I feel like he "can't decide what to do about our relationship" because he wants to see how theirs progresses first.

He has always been a good dad to DD but recently he's getting snappy with her which I pull him up on it. She will be devastated when we do leave but I know it'll be for the best. Just watching her sitting with him earlier nearly broke my heart, but I know I'm doing this for both of our futures. She deserves better.

I re-read the messages I'd seen and it wasn't babe it was baby which repulses me even more.
He's barely talking to me tonight, probably because I'm in a much better mood than he wants me to be, I feel like I can see a light at the end of the tunnel

@Sickened, I too wouldn’t tolerate his snapping at DD. Shame on him. This shows how far he has gone down the destructive path of selfishness and betrayal.

I agree that ‘baby’ is even worse than ‘babe,’ as it suggests affection and closeness. You’re right, he must be waiting to see how their relationship pans out, and in the meantime he is snarly and irritable at home. If he wants to crush your self-esteem and drag you down, he must really hate your good mood tonight!

It’s cruel of him to leave you in limbo after dropping that bombshell 2 months ago. I would take the decision out of his hands. He doesn’t get to make a mockery of you and DD without any consequences.

I'm so sorry OP. What an absolute arsewipe he is. My stbx left January last year. It's been really hard but I can honestly say now when I look at him now I feel nothing but revulsion for the cheating nasty man he became. We're still going through a divorce (1 year and counting) and as the higher earner with a much better pension I really wish that we weren't married. I was listening to the Life's Rosie podcast interview with Vanessa Feltz today and I think you would resonate with it. Also recommend the Leave a cheater gain a life book/website and fb page. And Helen Thorn on insta. Good luck op. He will definitely regret his poor life choices but by then you won't care.

Thank you @Threecrookedhearts for the recommendations I'll have a look tomorrow. The best bit about my hour drive to and from the office is that I get to listen to a pod cast, I'll line this one up.

I hope your divorce doesn't take too much longer, it's the only thing I've got to be grateful for really. He never thought I was worth marrying.

He'll hate that I'm taking the decision away from him. The plan is to see the solicitor next week, get myself a little rental lined up, move myself and DD in whilst he's at work. Then tell him I've made a decision, he's kept me in the dark for god knows how long so I'll just return the gesture to him.

What?!

You sound lovely and like you have your head screwed on. I wish you all the best. Sorry he’s done this to you and your little girl, but I can already tell with your demeanour that you’re going to thrive and be so, so happy one day very soon.

Sounds like a really smart plan, @Sickened.

Wishing you and your daughter all the best @Sickened. Sorry you're going through this but it sounds like a brighter future for the 2 of you. Good luck.

Really sorry but I don't think it's emotional I think it's a full blown affair. Not having sex with you it a massive sign of this. People make the mistake of thinking this can't happen while at work but it happens all the time. They take time off in the day or whole days here and there. You need to confront him Maybe try and get his phone and do some more digging first but so t let him deny it. It's really obvious.

You need to get a solicitor. If you have a child together you will be entitled to a share of the house even though you arnt ion the mortgage.

Morning lovely, another one echoing what others have said. You sound amazing, a lovely mum to your DD. He's a selfish git, doesn't deserve you. Plenty support on here for you. 💐.

Amazed by your strength OP. Your DD is so lucky to have you as a mother. I hope it all goes well.