I think DP is having an emotional affair

[Sickened]

Sorry if it's a long one, regular poster but name changed.

My DP and O have been together 15 years and have a 4 year old DD together. The last 4 years haven't been easy, following a high risk pregnancy, traumatic birth and DD being born with a disability I feel like I have lost myself a little.

I've never ever have thought DP was the type of man to betray me but I think he has. Around 2 months ago he said that his feelings towards me have changed and that I've not been showing him enough affection and we hadn't had sex for 3 months. I listened to everything he had to say and agreed that I had been preoccupied with DD, a new promotion I'd got at work and just general day to day life. I've been making a conscious effort to make time for us as a couple, I've gone and bought some sexy lingerie and initiated sex several times over the last 2 months and have been told no every time. He doesn't feel a spark between us anymore and doesn't know what he wants. It's a punch to the gut but still I'm making an effort and trying to win him over.

The last few months he has been staying up until 04:00 drinking, I only know what time he's come to bed by the "last online" on WhatsApp. His phone is never out of his hands at the minute, I mean he will take it into the shower room with him. I've never in the last 15 years thought about looking through his phone but this is making me suspicious. He's not the type of guy to put kisses on the end of a text to friends or family, only me. Recently I've been receiving a whole row of kisses on the end of messages as opposed to the usual 1 or two. Again, nothing in the grand scheme of things but it sent my Spidey senses tingling. He's recently changed his silly WhatsApp picture of us to just him. Again, on its own nothing much but it adds to the picture.

So after another sexual rejection he left his smart watch upstairs last night and I went through it. It doesn't hold much memory so there's not much on there. But there are texts between him and a female colleague with him calling her babe and at the end of every message between them both is a row of kisses!! The next part makes me feel sick but in one of her messages she's says "love you xxxxx" and no response from him. Im going to assume he's deleted his replies as the conversation doesn't make much sense.

I feel sick to my core, the man I've loved for the last 15 years, is doing this. Am I going crazy or is he having an affair? He doesn't go anywhere other than work (except for last Saturday when he went out for a couple of beers with his friend... again could be a lie could have been her)

So he doesn't think there's anything wrong with calling her 'baby' and her saying she loves him? Poor neglected love that he is.

He's just vile OP, please don't have him back, let her have your trash if she wants it so bad. You're never going to be able to trust him - he already lied and denied there was anything, then changed it and said they were just flirting and he didn't see the problem with that. WTF? You're married you don't go round calling another woman baby! As for 'they've bonded over their awful partners' well that basically means he's been slagging you off to her. 'My wife doesn't understand me' it's the biggest cliche in the book. Please don't believe a word this slimeball says.

So he denied any wrongdoing and used the trust card…until you rumbled the messages, and then he downplayed it by claiming they are ‘just flirting’ and doesn’t see an issue.

@Sickened, his calling OW ‘BABY,’ sending her ROWS OF KISSES, and her saying ‘LOVE YOU’ go way beyond flirting. This is infidelity, and their confiding in each other will have deepened their connection. He is clearly lying that he has no feelings for her. I daresay her partner would see their cheating for what it is.

He‘s been investing in this Emotional Affair (at the least) for quite a while. That is why he has withdrawn his devotion to you and DD, become disengaged and snappy with you both, and removed his empathy for your grueling schedule/lack of sleep. He’s manipulating you to accept responsibility for his transgressions. Don’t. He should be supporting you and investing in his marriage and family, not pursuing illicit thrills and intimacy with another woman while you do all the heavy lifting. BTW, why isn’t he sharing the parenting of DD at night?

@Sickened, you were smart to send him away. He needs to feel the loss of you and you need space. Just be aware that he’s still lying and you don’t have the full story. It will be impossible to move forward with him until he (1) shows true remorse and comes totally clean re the extent of this affair
(2) goes NC with OW (3) provides transparency and open access to his devices and statements and (4) makes efforts to investigate his selfishness and weak boundaries. As it stands right now, he is absolutely untrustworthy.

Keep posting, @Sickened.

Now you can make terms for his return: getting onto the house etc. Seeing that he seems to be on your page.
But then he may just be going to meet her right now.
Make those terms, get it done quickly. Then think about the future.

This was how I felt, the emotional energy and deceit was far worse for me than having a quick drunken shag. But I found out a long time afterwards that he'd only admitted to what I could prove and it was actually physical, I just wasn't able to prove it and he was such a good liar

Please be careful @Sickened I’m concerned you believe his story.

Classic cheaters script, minimise, gaslight, DARVO.

it’s highly likely (unless there is no way they can meet physically), that this is more than an emotional affair. I HATE to say this but his reaction is of one who is protecting the affair partner. She is married and he’ll be keeping you sweet he can keep the game playing for longer.

DO. NOT. Believe him!

Also ignore posters playing to the ‘miserable married man wanting to leave and she’s not relevant’ bs. You know your marriage. You know when his behaviours changed. You’ll know when you find out about timelines whether this is a classic cake eating creepy cheat you’re dealing with.

Smart advice.

Get him to do this while he's being nice, feeling guilty, and still playing down ow and protecting their status quo since she's also married.

We all know he's lying through his teeth but at least set it up to recoup the money you've invested into the house.

this makes him seem like a thoughtful man—whatever the case is, he is a manipulative liar and is taking care of himself.

Thanks @letthatmango, I don't believe his story completly. I believe they probably bonded over the issues that their both having in their relationships. But what I don't believe is that there are not feelings for her on his part. He's a very emotional man who told me loved me within the first few weeks of our relationship, so I can't see him being any different with her. We'll see how he is when he decides he's coming back home, but if he decides he wants to give our relationship a go there will be firm stipulations. I want him to find another job (something he's told me to do several times as it takes me away from the home too much). In all honesty this weekend is going to help me get over him and I think he'll be coming back deciding to call it a day anyway.

To the poster saying that whilst he's feeling guilty and being nice to marry him or get my name on the house, he is not either of these things. He doesn't feel any guilt, whilst he said he'd cool it off with OW it wasn't an admission of guilt I still don't think he believes that he's doing anything wrong.

Sorry OP. This is shit. I hope you do manage to get some peace this weekend and start to see an exciting new future for yourself.

Speaking for myself, I would enjoy sewing little seeds of doubt for him too. Small calm comments with zero anger in them so it’s hard for him to get angry like ‘her poor husband, wonder if she’s done this before….’ and ‘good luck with that one, you’ll have to make sure you check her phone’ and ‘at least you know what signs of cheating to look out for’ etc. I would want to suck all of the joy out of it for him. If his phone flashes a message while there I would be like ‘oooo quick what has her poor husband done now?’ Etc.
Maybe I’m just petty….. and maybe it’s too soon for you. X

Get legal advice before you move out…just in case it weakens your position re the house.

Also, are you 100% sure your name isn’t on the deeds of the house? You can be an owner without without being named on the mortgage.

'I mean this very gently indeed. But I think you’re still not hearing him. He isn’t wrecking it for her. It was already wrecked for him . He just went looking for the exit route. She’s irrelevant. It is not and never has been about her. It is and always has been about you and him.

when he told you his feelings had changed then you need to understand that he would have been thinking this for some very considerable time before he dared articulated it, it wasn’t an impulsive statement, when he then told you there was no spark between you anymore, he wasn’t sure what he wanted, he was doubling down and making sure you understood. He wasn’t telling you he wanted fancy underwear and more sex, he was telling uou for him it was over. He’s just slowly extricating himself and letting you get used to it.

it has ended for many reasons. But she isn’t one of them.'

With all due respect this isn't necessarily true!

I do hope you're not planning on staying with him.

You don't want to be used. I hope you've stopped paying for his mortgage at least.

Hope you’re ok @Sickened