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Original poster

Husband is unkind to my friends and family

78 replies

Fran490 · 28/03/2023 01:30

Hello. I have been married for under a year. Soon after our wedding, my husband was critical towards some of my friends. He refused to meet up with my best friend & partner after she had sadly lost a baby - he said she had been off with him at our wedding (which I think was due to my friend feeling awkward about people asking about her pregnancy - she looked pregnant and doctors had told her wouldn't last). My friend is gentle and wouldn't have meant to offend him. My husband has also said (what I think are) unkind things about my dad (e.g. that he's selfish and self-serving - for giving a long speech at our wedding). I am scared about our future. We don't yet have kids.

OP posts:
MissHavershamReturns · 28/03/2023 01:36

Op do you mind me asking how old you are?

Are you considering cutting your losses?

I can tell you from experience that men like this may not have a lot of patience with children.

Aquamarine1029 · 28/03/2023 01:41

Your husband is trying to alienate you from your friends and family. This is a massive red flag. Run for your life and do not get pregnant by this man. Get out now while you still can.

Treeabovethefire · 28/03/2023 01:42

Do not have children with this man

ArmchairAnarchist2 · 28/03/2023 01:43

Huge red flag.

JanglyBeads · 28/03/2023 01:46

Have you discussed this in real life with anyone? Are you close to your family?

purpledalmation · 28/03/2023 01:47

Im guessing this was a whirlwind romance and marriage? If not he's kept up a good act until now and luckily showing his true colours. He's trying to isolate you from friends and family. He'll be suggesting starting a family soon so he can really trap you. Classic controlling, coercive behaviour. Get out now and make sure you have foolproof contraception you control.

Anotherparkingthread · 28/03/2023 01:58

Those things seem kind of trivial to me unless there's something more you aren't saying. I can be critical of my MIL as she is incredibly nosey and a bit bonkers at times. I also don't care much for DH's best friend but I don't have to like him, he's not my best friend, its up to DH who he spends time with. As long as he's not trying to stop you seeing them, I don't think those things alone are controlling.

GlamourPuss78 · 28/03/2023 02:04

It does seem petty and trivial unless there is a huge backstory it sounds odd to be so hung up on the minor incidents you mentioned.
Sometimes friends and family are actually arseholes and it's your right to refuse to go along, he's not telling you you can't go and he's allowed not to like some people but this behaviour can escalate and be a sign of him trying to isolate you from your friends as part of a bigger picture of being abusive. I think definitely make sure you're protected from pregnancy until you work out if it's trivial or a pattern of a bigger issue.

Squamata · 28/03/2023 02:21

You've posted on here because you know in your gut that he's a bad un.

2bazookas · 28/03/2023 02:32

Are you saying his attitude to your friends and Dad only began after you got married? He showed no sign beforehand?

Or did you just get married too quickly to someone you didn't know well enough

MrsRickAstley · 28/03/2023 04:05

He's got that ring on your finger now. He owns you (well he thinks he does).
It's only going to get worse.
What are you going to do ?

EnterChasedByAMemory · 28/03/2023 04:38

Fran490 · 28/03/2023 01:30

Hello. I have been married for under a year. Soon after our wedding, my husband was critical towards some of my friends. He refused to meet up with my best friend & partner after she had sadly lost a baby - he said she had been off with him at our wedding (which I think was due to my friend feeling awkward about people asking about her pregnancy - she looked pregnant and doctors had told her wouldn't last). My friend is gentle and wouldn't have meant to offend him. My husband has also said (what I think are) unkind things about my dad (e.g. that he's selfish and self-serving - for giving a long speech at our wedding). I am scared about our future. We don't yet have kids.

@Fran490 Your friend needed you as you will one day need her. I’m curious to see if the behaviour changed drastically after marriage or was it the same but you just weren’t able to see the tell-tale signs?

Do you want a future with someone who treats your loved ones like this? Is there a possibility that his behaviour might alienate your family and friends to the point that you’ll feel isolated and the only support you’ll have is him? That sounds like an even scarier prospect.

I’d advise you to tread very carefully and get IRL support. You may need it soon. Make sure you are ready to leave because you will need to be prepared.

Autienotnautie · 28/03/2023 05:16

This is a red flag, how is he when you see friends and family? How does he treat you generally? Have you asked him to stop slating your friends and family and try ti make an effort with them?

user1492757084 · 28/03/2023 05:20

You need to disagree with anything that offends you.
If your husband won't let you express yourself and continues to belittle your nearest and dearest - leave him.

ApolloandDaphne · 28/03/2023 05:26

He is showing his true colours now he has got you where he wants you. It won't get better. Please consider leaving him.

Poppyblush · 28/03/2023 06:19

Leave as it will only get worse.

JulieHoney · 28/03/2023 06:29

Isolating you from friends and family is part of coercive control. Look up the Freedom programme and get yourself out.

Bananalanacake · 28/03/2023 07:24

Well fine if he refuses to meet them, but you can meet your friends as often as you want, you don't need HIM with you. If he tries to stop you that is very worrying.

PrinceHaz · 28/03/2023 07:27

Very concerning. Not a good person. I would definitely consider whether or have made the right decision to be with him.

DustyLee123 · 28/03/2023 07:28

Aquamarine1029 · 28/03/2023 01:41

Your husband is trying to alienate you from your friends and family. This is a massive red flag. Run for your life and do not get pregnant by this man. Get out now while you still can.

This

CuriouslyDifferent · 28/03/2023 07:35

How long was your dads speech?

As for your best friend being off with him on his wedding day. That may have hurt, because quite easily be taken as her disapproving of your marriage. She has her reasons but even so, possibly the biggest day of his life too, the start of your life together etc.

So I guess, was your dads speech an hour or something?

Brefugee · 28/03/2023 07:38

why is he so focussed on the wedding day? tbh, OP, as others have said - now he has "got you" he doesn't need to act nice.

If you decide to stay with him (please don't) make sure you keep up independent, regular contact with your friends and family.

Thoughtful2355 · 28/03/2023 07:42

Thing is... he could be red flagging for being abusive and controlling. it can start after the wedding. Trys to Alienate you from the rest of the world, so you dont have any friends and never see your family, soon youll rely soly on him and need his say so for anything. then youll have kids and feel even more unable to leave, he will tell you things like if you leave he will take the kids fromyou, your crazy, youll be left with nothing. So youll stay " for the kids" and then youll be old and not want to leave because your old and dont want to lose everything.

Then youll be waiting for either:

  1. he leaves you for another woman
  2. he doesnt leave for the other woman but you know he has one
  3. you regret your whole life and wonder why you didnt leave him/leave him sooner.

sorry thats just my thoughts on the matter

Sundaycoffeeisthebest · 28/03/2023 07:45

This is a very typical pattern for coercive control.

Do not have children and do not make excuses for him.

Wedoronron · 28/03/2023 07:46

It probably feels impossible to think about but lots of people end a marriage in the first year. Men sometimes think they can get away with treating women badly after marriage. Little by little the will try and alienate you. He will start putting you down, just a little bit. Criticizing your cooking or looks possibly in a "I'm just joking way".
Happened to a few of my friends luckily 2 of them cut their losses and left.
Now we are in our 40s it seems like a life time ago.

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