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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband is unkind to my friends and family

78 replies

Fran490 · 28/03/2023 01:30

Hello. I have been married for under a year. Soon after our wedding, my husband was critical towards some of my friends. He refused to meet up with my best friend & partner after she had sadly lost a baby - he said she had been off with him at our wedding (which I think was due to my friend feeling awkward about people asking about her pregnancy - she looked pregnant and doctors had told her wouldn't last). My friend is gentle and wouldn't have meant to offend him. My husband has also said (what I think are) unkind things about my dad (e.g. that he's selfish and self-serving - for giving a long speech at our wedding). I am scared about our future. We don't yet have kids.

OP posts:
MzHz · 05/04/2023 11:33

Fran490 · 04/04/2023 22:03

Thank you so much everyone for your perspectives. I really appreciate it.

After the wedding I was totally shocked by how mean he can be towards other people and I feel so low about the marriage as a result. He can be kind at other times - e.g. he often tells me how much he loves me, and he's sympathetic if I've had a bad day at work. It's confusing that these are two sides of the same person (the good side - fun, empathetic, kind - is what I fell in love with).

I'm in my mid-30s. I'm so scared to divorce and start again. It is hard.

My love, you are mid 30's and you are in a bad marriage, with a man who will destroy you. The SOONER you get out and get on with your life the more hope you have of bouncing back from this.

Do not waste another moment on him, it will only ever get worse and the longer you spend in this poisonous relationship, the longer it will take for you to recover.

Take it from me.

You have time - still - to make a new life. Don't waste another day, and don't stop until you have everything you deserve.

Yes it's a hard step to take, but the first step to freedom is the hardest, then all you have to do is take another step, then another.

We're all here for you, MN really helped me in my walk to freedom, and there are countless others like me who will help with encouragement, practical advice.

Sometimes we have to take decisions that are hard, but they are necessary. This is one of those times. Take the decision, make the moves and you can process your feelings about it afterwards, when you away from the poison.

Your head will be like spaghetti - that's what they do to you to keep you where they want you, to keep you as their victim. As soon as you get out of that environment, you will start to breath clean air and your head will clear.

Expect anger, expect rage, shame and sadness, you're grieving for what you thought you were getting. But none of that ever existed, you have lost nothing as it was never there.

We're all here for you. Lean as hard and often as you need to

Ooonafoo · 05/04/2023 12:08

MzHz · 05/04/2023 11:33

My love, you are mid 30's and you are in a bad marriage, with a man who will destroy you. The SOONER you get out and get on with your life the more hope you have of bouncing back from this.

Do not waste another moment on him, it will only ever get worse and the longer you spend in this poisonous relationship, the longer it will take for you to recover.

Take it from me.

You have time - still - to make a new life. Don't waste another day, and don't stop until you have everything you deserve.

Yes it's a hard step to take, but the first step to freedom is the hardest, then all you have to do is take another step, then another.

We're all here for you, MN really helped me in my walk to freedom, and there are countless others like me who will help with encouragement, practical advice.

Sometimes we have to take decisions that are hard, but they are necessary. This is one of those times. Take the decision, make the moves and you can process your feelings about it afterwards, when you away from the poison.

Your head will be like spaghetti - that's what they do to you to keep you where they want you, to keep you as their victim. As soon as you get out of that environment, you will start to breath clean air and your head will clear.

Expect anger, expect rage, shame and sadness, you're grieving for what you thought you were getting. But none of that ever existed, you have lost nothing as it was never there.

We're all here for you. Lean as hard and often as you need to

Show quote history

I agree with this. I you are ‘lucky’ because you have seen it early and you know it’s wrong and you have spoken up / reached out on here.

You are in the best possible position right now to extricate yourself from a future of horrors as you are currently emotionally intact.

He will destroy your emotional integrity and agency in time so that you won’t know which way is up, what your feelings are, or your own thoughts or be able to make a decision and carry out an action.

Listen to your gut - it is screaming at you. This is a cruel, nasty man …. these types get worse and worse. You haven’t even seen the start of it.

Can you reach out to anyone IRL for support (don’t listen to anyone who tells you to stay or give it time - they are wrong) - maybe professional help?

Maybe do some research make a private plan of what needs to be done to get you out of this relationship - list out the steps and take the first one when you are ready.

Do you own a home together? Do you have somewhere you can move to safely temporarily?

I would assume he will behave badly when you eventually leave and could be very dangerous. I would speak to WA and have a safely plan already developed.

Parentofatween · 06/04/2023 09:43

When I married my ex husband there were warning signs red flags but I just ignored them thinking it would be fine. I got completely swept up in the wedding and we did have an amazing day and honeymoon.

But after that things slowly changed he turned into this horrible controlling person. Trying his best to alienate me from my family and friends, he hated it when I did anything without him, derogatory comments in public putting me down belittling me, always going on at me about my weight. We would have the most awful arguments and sometimes he would lock me out the house. Would say no one would ever want me or put up with me. He would make things up, say I had said things which I hadn't, honestly thought I was going mad and ended up on anti depressants.

Eventually I did leave we hadn't had kids so I just left, a friend helped me find a flat he tried his best to stop me saying he loved me would change etc do it was hard but I did it. I'm married again to the most wonderful man with a beautiful daughter, leaving my ex was the best thing I ever did, didn't realise how truly unhappy I was and how he tried to control every aspect of my life in the end.

Sorry for the long post just wouldn't want anyone to go through this. Honestly it won't get better it just gets worse and worse.

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