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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband is unkind to my friends and family

78 replies

Fran490 · 28/03/2023 01:30

Hello. I have been married for under a year. Soon after our wedding, my husband was critical towards some of my friends. He refused to meet up with my best friend & partner after she had sadly lost a baby - he said she had been off with him at our wedding (which I think was due to my friend feeling awkward about people asking about her pregnancy - she looked pregnant and doctors had told her wouldn't last). My friend is gentle and wouldn't have meant to offend him. My husband has also said (what I think are) unkind things about my dad (e.g. that he's selfish and self-serving - for giving a long speech at our wedding). I am scared about our future. We don't yet have kids.

OP posts:
LooseGoose22 · 28/03/2023 21:56

We were together for about a year before we married.

To me that's very fast, and doesn't give you enough time to truly get to know them.

I once very foolishly started talking weddings during the honeymoon period (no pun intended) about six months in .... Thankfully I definite plans were made because by a year his character became increasingly obvious, the patterns of behaviour became incredibly obvious and the wedding plans patently ludicrous in light of them. We finished at a bit under a year and a half.

LooseGoose22 · 28/03/2023 21:57

*thankfully no definite plans were made

LooseGoose22 · 28/03/2023 21:59

If I were you I'd consider it a "starter" marriage.

Also an example of why not to marry someone for at least a couple of years.

You can escape relatively unscathed now; that won't be the case the longer you stay and above all if you have kids with him.

Sunnygirl07 · 28/03/2023 22:08

My family member is a narcissist like that with so little empathy & so much lack of emotional intelligence that I was also shocked.

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Dery · 28/03/2023 23:30

It’s clear that marrying this man was a mistake. A year is a pretty short period of time to be with someone before marrying them; on top of that, you were having doubts before you married him; and you married him for the wrong reasons: you say you felt under pressure to get married (from whom?) and it was better than the alternative (why was the alternative worse than marrying the wrong man?). This isn’t going to get better, only worse. It really sounds like you should walk away from this marriage.

Shoemadlady · 28/03/2023 23:49

In felines to your third update, they do it because they can and they are abusers. This behaviour sadly only gets worse not better.
After living with it for 20 years and wishing I knew what you know now, at this early stage, I implore you to run for the hills x

Ofcourseshecan · 28/03/2023 23:51

Aquamarine1029 · 28/03/2023 01:41

Your husband is trying to alienate you from your friends and family. This is a massive red flag. Run for your life and do not get pregnant by this man. Get out now while you still can.

Sorry that sounds drastic, OP. But it’s true and it’s essential. Of course he can be charming when it suits him. That’s how abusers keep their victims on the hook. Get away from him now.

Coyoacan · 28/03/2023 23:53

If a man is controlling, do people think that he has a premeditated plan and strategy (e.g. 'I will marry this womam then isolate her from her friends and family)? Or is it something they do without making a conscious decision to do it beforehand?

It's hard to say, but isolating their partner is pretty standard. Some of them go for orphans and some of them go for really assertive women, but they seem to have so little self-confidence, this is the only way they think their partner will stay with them. But you can't fix him.

My ex used to tell me that are mutual friends didn't understand what he saw in me. About a year after we split up I was visiting a couple of them and without any prompting they told me that they'd never understand what I saw in him.

My dd had an abusive bf and his technique was to point out all the faults in her friends and it worked. After three years she finally split up with him and had to start out from zero with no friends at all.

Pinkbonbon · 29/03/2023 00:05

Fran490 · 28/03/2023 21:48

Thank you all. I was wondering -

If a man is controlling, do people think that he has a premeditated plan and strategy (e.g. 'I will marry this womam then isolate her from her friends and family)? Or is it something they do without making a conscious decision to do it beforehand?

It depends where they fall in the scale of malignancy. Some of them are just selfish and don't care if it hurts you so long as they get what they want. Others, enjoy hurting you.
Some of them fall somewhere inverween on that scale.

Usually I'd say they are opportunists. They might not sit back and play out how they'll fuck you over. But they'll happily take the opportunities as and when they arise.

Ultimately though whether intent or planning is there or not, the end result is the same - they hurt you. And at best, they're fine with that.

The bare minimum a partner should be is a nice human being through and through.

A year was far to soon to marry unfortunately. Even double that would be a huge risk tbf.
But hey, we all make mistakes.

The important thing is to know when we've made them and be prepared to cut our losses. Not hanging about trying to flog a dead horse.

It sounds like he is controlling and...a walking red flag. But what we KNOW for sure is - he isn't nice. That's enough to call it a day.
Because you deserve nice. And so much more.

Ps: you'll probably be alive many many more years, there's plenty of time to meet a good guy who treats you right. Or, several :)

Autienotnautie · 29/03/2023 03:55

There are several different types of abusers. For Some there is no thought behind it's literally reactive. Answer back and you will get a smack etc. Coercive men will often start small and build up seeing what they can get away with. Marriage/pregnancy and motherhood are risky times in these types of relationships as they bring a sense of ownership/increased expectations of compliance. And the latter two can bring out jealously. Men like that do not like to share.

It's hard to say what your husband is op, he could be trying to alienate you or he could just be a bit of a twat who dislikes people for minor things.

GuevarasBeret · 29/03/2023 06:19

Fran490 · 28/03/2023 21:48

Thank you all. I was wondering -

If a man is controlling, do people think that he has a premeditated plan and strategy (e.g. 'I will marry this womam then isolate her from her friends and family)? Or is it something they do without making a conscious decision to do it beforehand?

There is no plan, there is a drive.

If I can make an analogy with a sex drive. He has a need a creates opportunities for that need to be fulfilled, because he has contempt for all women, coercion is his preferred method.

sendbackaletterfromamerica · 29/03/2023 06:49

I am so sorry but this can only get worse and make you more unhappy. I had an ex-partner like that and it's just awful. You would be very very wise to act on this before things get worse. There is no substitute for kindness or empathy. You need to get out of this marriage and have a happy life.

Daleksatemyshed · 29/03/2023 18:33

He may not mean to be abusive Op but he's very mean spirited, it's all ME,ME, ME in his head. Being nasty about your DF's speech is uncalled for and being mean about your friend even more so, they weren't all over him at the wedding so he doesn't like them even though your friend is in a bad place- can't you see that's a childish reaction? If you stay you'll find him picking fault with anyone who doesn't put him first. I'd call it a day and get out before it gets worse. Can you imagine how he'd behave when your DC needed your attention and he felt pushed aside

megonbertra · 30/03/2023 07:19

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This has been deleted by MNHQ as it was posted by a spammer.

MzHz · 30/03/2023 11:29

JulieHoney · 28/03/2023 21:51

It’s rarely conscious. It’s an instinctive thing.

which means he can't see that he does it, he knows he has to do it but not why and therefore won't change

MzHz · 30/03/2023 11:33

@Fran490 The red flags were there; you now know and can see them. This won't get better -not ever. Only worse.

He's not stopping you from seeing friends. now. He will do. He will probably get you to stop working too, and get you PG.

This relationship is all fake, the nice/charming side of him is a facade, a charade designed to hook you in, then he relaxes once he has you hooked and only THEN do you see who he is.

That Charm is fake. You will never get it back, he will never be the guy you fell in love with because all of that was an act.

Get out now, today, this very minute. Don't waste a single second longer with him, don't think about it, don't give more time to this, just rip the plaster off and go. Men like him can sense when they are losing their victim and that is the most dangerous time in this kind of relationship.

JulieHoney · 30/03/2023 11:34

MzHz · 30/03/2023 11:29

which means he can't see that he does it, he knows he has to do it but not why and therefore won't change

Exactly.

And the reasonable response it to get out of that relationship, OP.

Fran490 · 04/04/2023 22:03

Thank you so much everyone for your perspectives. I really appreciate it.

After the wedding I was totally shocked by how mean he can be towards other people and I feel so low about the marriage as a result. He can be kind at other times - e.g. he often tells me how much he loves me, and he's sympathetic if I've had a bad day at work. It's confusing that these are two sides of the same person (the good side - fun, empathetic, kind - is what I fell in love with).

I'm in my mid-30s. I'm so scared to divorce and start again. It is hard.

OP posts:
Ooonafoo · 04/04/2023 22:09

Do not have a baby with this man.

No child needs this character as a parent.

These types get worse on engagement, marriage, pregnancy, birth and parenting.

Even if you think YOU can endure this - don’t put a child through it.

Get a plan in place privately. Tell hold nothing. Then tell someone trusted. Once all everything is in place and you have a safety plan leave. Expect him to be cruel, controlling and punishing. Ensure you emotionally and legally protect yourself before you make a move.

Don’t underestimate the seriousness of this.

Coyoacan · 04/04/2023 22:10

I understand OP, but unfortunately all abusers have a nice side, otherwise they would never get anyone to abuse.

And the longer you stay, the harder it will be to leave.

But your life, your decisions.

billy1966 · 04/04/2023 22:19

Of course it is hard and disappointing.

We all get that.

We also get that whilst he is a deeply unpleasant and likely abusive man, he has his nice moments.

We can only give you a heads up on the fact that we have no doubt having a child with him will put you in an extremely vulnerable position and you will likely bitterly regret not doing the very hard but brave thing and leaving.

Your gut is screaming at you to get away whilst you have the chance.

Most women whom have been abused would be on their own ten times over tjan remain abused.

You have the opportunity to be free.

I hope you take it.

Ring Women's aid for a chat.

FusionChefGeoff · 04/04/2023 22:31

Then he is a twat

Guiltypleasures001 · 05/04/2023 00:27

I worked with a lady who on her wedding night was raped multiple times and beaten to a pulp by her
New dh

He has never shown any red flags before
She found emails to his mistress discussing her murder by him
Getting rid of him took years and nearly destroyed her
In the end he was diagnosed as a psychopath by a court appointed psychiatrist

Reply2Fran490 · 05/04/2023 01:28

@Fran490

See below for places you can get expert answers to your questions.
These are places you can get the support, information and advice you need.

Cover your tracks online:
https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/cover-your-tracks-online/

Speak in confidence to experts about your situation:
https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk
0808 2000 247

Get info and advice from experts about your situation (live chat, email, forum):
https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/

Leaving the relationship safely:
https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/the-survivors-handbook/i-want-to-leave-my-relationship-safely/

How to get help
https://www.gov.uk/guidance/domestic-abuse-how-to-get-help

In danger?
Call 999.
How to call the police when you can’t speak
https://www.policeconduct.gov.uk/sites/default/files/Documents/research-learning/Silent_solution_guide.pdf
Legal Aid
https://www.gov.uk/legal-aid/domestic-abuse-or-violence

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