Husband is unkind to my friends and family

[Fran490]

Hello. I have been married for under a year. Soon after our wedding, my husband was critical towards some of my friends. He refused to meet up with my best friend & partner after she had sadly lost a baby - he said she had been off with him at our wedding (which I think was due to my friend feeling awkward about people asking about her pregnancy - she looked pregnant and doctors had told her wouldn't last). My friend is gentle and wouldn't have meant to offend him. My husband has also said (what I think are) unkind things about my dad (e.g. that he's selfish and self-serving - for giving a long speech at our wedding). I am scared about our future. We don't yet have kids.

This sounds like you are justifying his behaviour.

Red flag OP. I can guarantee your life will be forever tricky with him and he will make your relationships with others hard. He has no respect for your relationships with others.

He sounds very mean-spirited. He's started disliking 2 people simply from their behaviour at your wedding. If he had a kind heart he'd feel empathy for your friend and realise your dad was probably just rather emotional/carried away at his daughter's wedding. It must have been a really big deal for your dad.
How is your DH usually? Is he normally kind and understanding or is he always critical?

Huge, huge red flag.

He is trying to alienate you from your friends and family.

I am afraid that is the start of controlling and abusive behaviour.

You know that your friends and family are good, decent people so the problem is purely with him.

Make your plans and leave him. It is not going to get any better, only worse.

He is showing his true colours now that you are married as he thinks he can get away with it as you won't leave him now. Prove him wrong.

@CuriouslyDifferent

''How long was your dads speech?As for your best friend being off with him on his wedding day. That may have hurt, because quite easily be taken as her disapproving of your marriage. She has her reasons but even so, possibly the biggest day of his life too, the start of your life together etc.
So I guess, was your dads speech an hour or something?''

What a daft comment...

^This

If you knew it was right, you wouldn't be talking about it on here.

Make sure your Contraception is bulletproof and start making your plans to exit.

Don’t have kids and start taking time to think about what you want. Someone who tried to stop me seeing me friends who were needing support and slagged off my family isn’t a keeper

Why are you staying

Not yet - but if dad speech was an hour long - I’d be pretty pissed off too. So I’m asking for more info for context. if it’s 5 mins - hubby is an arse.

Maybe in your mind.

But maybe dads speech was an hour long? We don’t know. If it was - I’d be pissed off. Hence I asked the question.

This sounds exactly like my ex husband, narcissistic controlling etc when we got married this is what happened to me, get out whilst you can or it will be so much harder later on, I thank god I never had children with him

But maybe dads speech was an hour long? We don’t know. If it was - I’d be pissed off. Hence I asked the question.

you'd be harping on about a speech at a wedding long after the event? are you OP's husband?

Hi @Fran490

If your friend wasn't herself at your wedding, that's completely understandable. Presumably your husband knows what she was going through, so why is he making this about him? If she was 'off' it's understandable. It reads as though he's looking for reasons not to like her.

Ditto your dad.... even if his speech was an hour long (!)... does he need to go on about it a year later? Does he not see the irony in him still being offended a year later about a wedding speech he thinks was too long?!!!

At best, your husband takes offence easily, falls out with people easily, and doesn't make an effort even with people who are important to you.

At worst (and I fear it could be this) he's looking for reasons not to like them, and is trying to alienate you from them. He could become more unreasonable and controlling.

Whatever happens, do not let him stop you seeing or talking to them. Stay close to your family and friends. Don't let him turn you agains them or create distance between you. Does he display any other controlling tactics? Was he like this before you married him?

He sounds very unpleasant, unreasonable and perhaps trying to isolate you from family and friends.

How long did you know him before getting married?

His mask has slipped.

This is who he really is.

Well done for being concerned.

You should be.

My bet is that you have a nasty abusive man in him and things will get worse.

He is focused on removing family and friends, your support from your life.

He will want you pregnant soon.

And then the real abuse will start as he will feel you are stuck.

Call Womens aid asap for a chat.

Tell friends and family the truth.

Get organised with paperwork and get important stuff copied and out of the house, including your valuables.

Get a solicitor for advice.

Move out to family or friends.

Please don't think this is a blip and will get better.

Get out while you can, without children.

Thank you everyone for your comments. I don't feel I can talk to anyone I know about it, and this is the first time I've posted on here.

We were together for about a year before we married. He had shown signs of being unreasonably critical about people before the wedding, but it got worse after the wedding. When we were engaged, I was having doubts because of it - and other issues (e.g. he got irritated with me easily) - but I went ahead with the wedding, because there were good things about our relationship, and out of fear of the alternative. I also felt pressure to get married and settle down.

After the wedding, I was particularly shocked at his attitude to my good friend who had lost her baby. It seemed so unkind, and I felt horrified to be married to someone who acted like that. He has also acted unkindly to a member of his own family.

I should clarify that he hasn't stopped me from seeing my friends if I go alone.

He is not always unkind and unreasonable. Often he is very charming and affectionate. That's why I fell for him. So it's not easy to leave.

It’s typical gaslighting behaviour, designed to confuse you enough to make you stay. You’ve seen his true colours come through at times, the mask will continue to slip. Be very careful OP.

No, if he was an arse all the time, it would be easier to leave.
This could be “Hoovering”, where they throw out the occasional crumb of pleasant times, being charming and affectionate enough to keep you hoping that this is the real him and the bad times were just a phase.

He is also showing you the nice part of the nice/nasty cycle of abuse and that is a continuous one.

It’s not easy to leave but it is a damn sight harder to stay with such a man. He will go onto destroy you from the inside out if you stay with him.

Abusers are often quite plausible to those in the outside world and many can appear to be charming. Abuse also thrives on secrecy so you have taken a small but important step to write about this on here. Who in your real life circle can you trust with the information you’ve given?.

Op, really listen to your instincts here. They're telling you something. Then you are confusing yourself with the thoughts of "but he's so charming and affectionate sometimes"
"Sometimes" is not enough and those "sometimes" will become less and less.
It's also typical for these type of men to start making you feel uncomfortable to see your family and friends without actually stopping you. You'll reach a point where you feel it's easier to not see your family and friends so you don't have put up with his moods and rude comments.
Start thinking about leaving. Reach out to the people you love and trust.

I totally agree with most of posters on here,

You definitely need to find a way to get out of this Abusive Controlling toxic relationship,

It will get worse for you,

Don't get pregnant by him, !

Otherwise it will get even harder to leave him

He is Arsehole

Your husband and is looking at anyway possible to find any trival excuse he can latch on and magnify so he can alienate you from any source of support,
So you will be in a less of position emotionally to have the means to lean in, have support from anybody, who is good for you in your life,

He is nice to you, when he feels like it,
And the bonus spin off , is it will more likely ensure you will stick around out of confusion which clouds your judgement ect

You know when you see news stories of women who've been beaten up and treated awfully by their partners and you wonder why didn't she leave?

It's because there's never really a traffic light moment where a man transitions from a wholly good one to a wholly bad one. Abusive men aren't literally monsters, like they don't grow horns and warts so you can spot them.

It goes like this, chipping away at your confidence and making you confused about what you really believe, making it just a lot of effort to maintain relationships, it's easier to do things the way he wants them, if he demands certain food or housekeeping etc then it's easier and less embarrassing to comply.

Then once you get cut off from friends and family because you sided with a twat of a husband over them, there's no one to turn to if he starts being more abusive.

All through the process an abusive man can have 'good' moments, showering you with praise, making you feel loved etc. But the general drift is to isolate you and confuse you until you're disempowered.

Maybe that wouldn't happen in your case. But if it does, it begins with this kind of bullshit and it nudges your boundaries bit by bit until you're one of those women you see in the news.

So I'd say: maintain your boundaries, see who you want to see, watch out for other red flags, be prepared to leave even if you're scared of looking silly or it will be inconvenient or expensive.

Huge red flags and the longer you stay with him, the harder it will be to split up.

The strategy is to drive a wedge between you and your friends (there are a variety of different tactics that can be used), so that eventually only have him as your friend, family and adult company. Then the idea of leaving him is terrifying so you put up with any amount of shit he aims at you. a lot of us posting on the thread have gone through that experience and know all about it.

Thank you all. I was wondering -

If a man is controlling, do people think that he has a premeditated plan and strategy (e.g. 'I will marry this womam then isolate her from her friends and family)? Or is it something they do without making a conscious decision to do it beforehand?

It’s rarely conscious. It’s an instinctive thing.