Whether to continue this pregnancy

[Babyornot]

I posted in pregnancy choices and one kind person wrote a really thoughtful post.

I’ve gone to therapy and I see her weekly but here I am, back am again at 1.15am. Wide awake. Freaking out.

I’m struggling. Big time.
My partner has a strong desire for kids. I have never wanted them. I like being a fantastic aunt, and then having my life back. We tried for a few years in case it happened and then I agreed to some fertility treatment which showed I didn’t ovulate and have low egg reserves but husband was totally fine. I agreed to take some Clomid which at first didn’t work. I figured I could demonstrate that I was trying and I hoped along the way either I would magically start wanting children or my husband would agree to stop.
Well now I’m pregnant. And I don’t want to be. I thought I would want to have our child but everything about child rearing fills me with dread. I’m autistic and I need peace, quiet, and my horses. There’s a chance I could have a child with autism.
I’ve had multiple panic attacks and melt downs since finding out and the only way I can keep it at bay is by working all hours and then mindlessly scrolling on my phone. My husband and I are sleeping in separate beds tonight. I am breaking his heart and I feel like a monster - why don’t I want this? Why can’t I make myself be excited about decorating a nursery and learning to breastfeed or buying bottles and steriliser? Why am I not excited to meet a mini version of myself and my husband? To teach them to read, to ride?
Wtf is wrong with me?
It’s really early days (4 weeks, only just missed period) so it might all resolve itself without me, but how can I go ahead if it doesn’t? I am so stupid for thinking my views would change. I believed everyone when they said “it’s different when it’s your own” or “it’ll happen for you”. I love my husband so much and I want him to be a dad, but I don’t want a life of tantrums, nappies, potty training, early bird dinners, school runs, spilled drinks, struggling to get them into clothes, running to get 20 mins on my horse between naps/feeds, losing my nerve. Of being too autistic to be able to deal with sensory experience of parenting. I just saw a post now about a toddler shitting in the bath. Every fibre of my being recoils at that.

i think I need to terminate, which my husband agrees with on a head level, but he’s heart broken really. then I’ll go away and let him grieve. I love him so much - been together 16 years - and I wanted to want this so badly. I know he’ll be a great dad and I so wanted to be the one who got to keep him as my husband and father of my child.

I wish I knew what was wrong with me, but if I’m seeing a therapist to try to persuade me to go ahead, what kind of person does that make me? How can we ever come back from this, either to have the child or not? I’m so sorry I’ve dragged this out so long and done this to him. I cannot picture how we can have a child. Our lives are so busy and separate. His business about to go stratospheric (like multi million valuation) and that leaves me holding a baby. I love my job - I am an academic at a prestigious university.

We don’t know anything about night feeds, we can’t change nappies, we don’t know how to feed a baby, we don’t know how to deal with car seats - and when would either of us ever have time to deal with learning all of that? How will he cope with my post partum frailties like bleeding, stitches, unable to drive, missing riding, feeling lonely, with cracked and bleeding nipples from establishing breastfeeding, all while trying to run his business? He can’t cope when I’m mentally unwell. He will just be working and then coming home to a crying, leaking, painful wife, and a screaming infant. How will we get through our child’s teenaged years when they drink, smoke, do drugs, develop an eating disorder like I did, yell that they hate us, knowing that I could so easily let it slip in anger that having them ruined my life, or I never wanted them, or I had a panic attack finding out that they existed, or that we nearly split up over keeping them? it seems unbearably cruel to have a child enter the world into those circumstances. Unbearably cruel to my husband to terminate, and a fast track to me losing my rock and stay, my safe place, and leave me vulnerable and lonely once again, dealing alone with my ageing mother (79yro). But I should want to raise a child, not fear being alone. What’s wrong with me? Can I go ahead with a pregnancy feeling like this and still end up loving being a mum and finding that life fulfilling? Or am I destined to fuck up the child? Or will I magically be happy that I gave birth, which itself fills me with horror? I’ve never even touched a woman’s pregnant belly (I’m 37) as the whole thing is just alien, gross, and terrifying to me. Why am I like this? Can I overcome these feelings?

You're not a monster, OP. There is nothing wrong with you. You feel what you feel.

I think you should find a counsellor to talk it over with.

Two things occur to me - one is that children don't stay children for ever - if you go ahead, you will eventually get your life back. Another is that as you have a good job, and your husband's business is doing so well, would you be able to employ a live-in nanny? Maybe if you knew that you wouldn't be doing all the grunt work, you might feel better able to cope with having a child?

Good luck. I hope you reach a decision that you can be at peace with.

You are not a monster. Having a child is a big life changing experience. Please speak to a councillor. What ever you decide will be the right decision. Would your husband consider being the primary caregiver? If he wants a child, but isn’t willing to be the primary caregiver you need to do what works for you. Sending lots of love.

Is there anything in you (not your husband) that can envisage enjoying even a bit of motherhood?

It's absolutely valid to not want it.

I have children but I have terminated two pregnancies. I felt no guilt about them, it was absolutely the right thing for me to do and I felt completely different about my wanted pregnancies.

That being said, you are in a somewhat unique position of being able to afford a lot of help. Without the budget constraints that most families have you could have a nanny, cleaner and any other help you might want/need, around the clock needs be.

The discomfort of pregnancy, birth and post partum, feeding etc are all temporary and noone knows how to care for a baby until they do it. You aren't expected to know how to feed and change right now. You'd learn fast and it would be OK.

Of course all of that means nothing if you don't want it. You have control over what happens to you and your body. Not everyone wants children and that is perfectly OK.

I don’t think you should go ahead with the pregnancy. Everyone says you fall in love when baby arrives and yes you do (most do anyway) but the reality is as you describe. The cracked nipples, the baby blues, something post natal depression. One thing though is it sounds like you’re not struggling for money, and can afford help. That would make all the difference. You can employ someone to stay for the first month or so, help with getting into a routine. Pay for a nanny and you can enjoy your horse and your baby. Most posts on here you read are people who can’t afford that kind of help, if they could I’m sure most would get some help with baby and chores. Get a cleaner / housekeeper and nanny and that makes all the difference. Anyway your decision. I don’t think you can get away from the fact this will hurt your husband if you terminate and possibly destroy your relationship. But if you feel so strongly about not going ahead then that’s got to be the right decision.

I felt similar when I was pregnant, and couldn't really enjoy my pregnancy for various reasons

I now have my little one, and regret every thought I had.

Trust the process and you will fall in love with your little one.

There's nothing wrong with you and yes it's completely clear you shouldn't have a baby.
it's a real shame you went along with the plans when you knew you didn't want it but I can see how that happened. But don't compound that mistake by the mistake of having a child you really don't want.

Yikes OP. Are you absolutely sure it's not the hormones talking ? I think if you really are sure realistically you have to choose between your desire to remain childless and your marriage.

There is nothing wrong with you! Not everyone wants or should have a child. You are definitely not a monster.

You and your husband want different things and you have a difficult decision to make.

I appreciate the various views. My partner has been so happy over the tail end of the week when I perked up and got back to my normal self, until I broke down last night. I think he was letting himself believe. But the thing is, the one thing I need is a concrete picture of what we are going to do and we won’t do it because he doesn’t want to Make it real. It’s a real tension.

for example, I’m terrified of having a child as difficult as I was (autism) so I have bought deodorant for expectant women with no aluminium, am taking vitamins and folic acid religiously, etc. I researched everything about IVF and he hasn’t really read anything about it. I’m already doing a bucket load of emotional labour and making sacrifices about my body while he just wafts about thinking how cute our child will be. I’m so angry. If I could be a dad, I’d have two kids by now, but women get such a shit end of the stick unless they are married to a woman.

I want my partner to tell me that he’s researched post-partum depression, that we write a budget. He started putting one together and then said let’s terminate because there’s no point going ahead if it takes this much to protect my mental health. He wants to put my mental health ahead of having a kid.

he booked a termination at 3am last night when he found me having a panic attack and crying hysterically in the bathroom. He brought me back to our bed. I’m still hoping that I miscarry between now and then. Whilst I am totally pro choice in all circumstances, I still feel like I am the worst person in the world for doing this. It is the epitome of selfishness.

No one should have to continue a pregnancy they don't want- whether through access to safe alternatives or pressure from their partner.

I do think; however, that you've been unfair to your dp to try all of thr above when you know you don't want kids. You owe him the truth, and did from the start, so he could decide whether he wants you and be childless or ebd the relationship and find someone to start a family with.

I really feel for you, and you're not at all selfish to terminate. Selfish is bringing a child into the world that is unwanted. In fact having a child full stop is a selfish act. There is so much pressure for women to have children whether or not they actually want them, and going against that pressure is very hard. Good luck op, I think termination and counselling is the best option for you.

I have been so honest from the start. He wanted marriage even when I said I didn’t want children. We were together for 12 years before we married and engaged for 4 because I was so worried about this. We have talked about this for years. I have told him my every fear.
he thought I would change my mind. I believed I would too. Or I believed in his belief in me.

He sees how great I am with my niece and nephew and thinks I’d be a great mum. Every fucking person tells me that. I care deeply for my students and for my pets. To the point that I feel anxious about them to an unhealthy degree.
if the cat is out in the middle of the night and I wake up, I won’t go back to sleep until he’s come in as I’m too anxious.
and the thing is, I find my niece and nephew exhausting. I manage a couple of days and then I’m glad to leave them in Scotland. And they’re adorable kids who are generally well behaved. I feel depleted when I leave them to head south and glad to have my house back when they leave mine

Abortion is very hard to overcome for many people too.
Have counselling about that too.
Do you have other options:
Your husband pays for a live in nanny so that you don't have to be anything more than the active Aunt type mother while your husband is prepared to do the major part of the primary caring.
You plan to go back to your career and enjoy it. .
You have a planned C section.

I was raised by a single parent and nannies. My dad left before I was born.

I just feel like all the research shows that I will fuck this kid up. My husband indulges those he loves and won’t put up boundaries. And I would be like a Disney parent but also anxious and helicoptery. How can we do that to a child?

Get an abortion. And a divorce.

First there’s nothing wrong with you. Sounds like you went along with it for your partner (never a good idea in my opinion). I’d be very concerned about the impact having the baby would have you.

We are not all cut out to be mothers, but many people don’t have the self awareness to know it!

I think your main problem was allowing yourself to be ‘persuaded’ to try to get pregnant, when you really, really don’t want a child. It’s like Chinese food for me ( please don’t think I am trivialising this, it was the best example I could think of)I just don’t like it, to the point of feeling a bit sick writing this. People say ‘ oh you just haven’t had the right sort, you haven’t had good CF’ they take you to ‘the best Chinese restaurant in London,,or New York or….. no, I don’t like it viscerally. I don’t even like looking at the boxes in the supermarket!

it doesn’t matter what other people think, this is right for you. It sounds to me as if your DH values you above a so far non existent child. Stick with what works for you.

very best wishes.

OP, I'd be thinking about what I saw as the positives of having a child - like, can you picture good things about it? Laughing together, watching them grow etc. Or do you not feel positive about any aspect of having a child? I think you need to really want the positive bits to manage the negative bits (of which, as much as you love them, there are lots of negative bits). The trouble is that the hormones can make you go a bit loopy and either catastrophise and see the worst or be irrationally positive and ignore the actual problems. I'd think about how you'd feel about it if you had a nanny etc to make life easier, and how do you feel then? If every part of you is still screaming no then I wouldn't go ahead with it. I do think that you will love the child anyway if you have it but that doesn't necessarily mean everything is suddenly OK and you don't feel you've lost your life. I would seek some counselling to help you come to a decision you are comfortable with given the ramifications both ways. Good luck!

You are not even close to being the worst person in the world.

You are not being selfish. If it's not for you, it's not for you. You're right to protect your mental health. That's why the law was updated to include risk to mental health of the mother as sufficient reason for termination.

You are trivialising it.

Nothing at all wrong with you choosing to not continue this pregnancy.
However,
For balance my experience was nothing like I expected. I didn't want kids, I had my horses and was happy. I got pregnant and nearly terminated. I kept the baby, and thought the course of my childhood she just fitted in. I rode up until two days before I had her and was back on a week later. She came to the yard with me, she came out with the dogs. I mucked out with her in a sling and although it wasn't easy as before it really wasn't bad. No one knows how to do nappy's/ night feeds etc, but babies are tough and resilient and providing you feed them and change them they don't get hung up on it!

Mine had very little routine until school, where I went she went too. The baby will fit in with YOUR life, not the other way around! They are very portable! 😂

I am sorry, I didn't rtft before posting.

Absolutely nothing, NOTHING wrong with you choosing to terminate. Best wishes.

I don’t think being a mother is for you that’s clear - so please do act quickly. But also, when the dust has settled I do think you need to re evaluate staying in your marriage given you fundamentally don’t want kids and he does.

There's a lot to say but I'll just say quickly that a lot of the things you mention are temporary, short term and pass.

The nappies; over by 3. The milk feeding. You don't have to breast feed if you don t want to. You can combi feed to take the stress off of you really want them to get a bit of breast milk. The first couple of years can be very hard and intense, yes. But after that it changes and improves tremendously. Some babies sleep well.

Autism; attitudes are very very different to autism now. It's a relatively good time in history to be born with it, which your child is not guaranteed to be.

Also - this distant parenting isn’t fair on the child. If you feel in your gut you can’t have this baby, don’t. Please don’t subject it to a life of resentment and being distant.