Whether to continue this pregnancy

[Babyornot]

I posted in pregnancy choices and one kind person wrote a really thoughtful post.

I’ve gone to therapy and I see her weekly but here I am, back am again at 1.15am. Wide awake. Freaking out.

I’m struggling. Big time.
My partner has a strong desire for kids. I have never wanted them. I like being a fantastic aunt, and then having my life back. We tried for a few years in case it happened and then I agreed to some fertility treatment which showed I didn’t ovulate and have low egg reserves but husband was totally fine. I agreed to take some Clomid which at first didn’t work. I figured I could demonstrate that I was trying and I hoped along the way either I would magically start wanting children or my husband would agree to stop.
Well now I’m pregnant. And I don’t want to be. I thought I would want to have our child but everything about child rearing fills me with dread. I’m autistic and I need peace, quiet, and my horses. There’s a chance I could have a child with autism.
I’ve had multiple panic attacks and melt downs since finding out and the only way I can keep it at bay is by working all hours and then mindlessly scrolling on my phone. My husband and I are sleeping in separate beds tonight. I am breaking his heart and I feel like a monster - why don’t I want this? Why can’t I make myself be excited about decorating a nursery and learning to breastfeed or buying bottles and steriliser? Why am I not excited to meet a mini version of myself and my husband? To teach them to read, to ride?
Wtf is wrong with me?
It’s really early days (4 weeks, only just missed period) so it might all resolve itself without me, but how can I go ahead if it doesn’t? I am so stupid for thinking my views would change. I believed everyone when they said “it’s different when it’s your own” or “it’ll happen for you”. I love my husband so much and I want him to be a dad, but I don’t want a life of tantrums, nappies, potty training, early bird dinners, school runs, spilled drinks, struggling to get them into clothes, running to get 20 mins on my horse between naps/feeds, losing my nerve. Of being too autistic to be able to deal with sensory experience of parenting. I just saw a post now about a toddler shitting in the bath. Every fibre of my being recoils at that.

i think I need to terminate, which my husband agrees with on a head level, but he’s heart broken really. then I’ll go away and let him grieve. I love him so much - been together 16 years - and I wanted to want this so badly. I know he’ll be a great dad and I so wanted to be the one who got to keep him as my husband and father of my child.

I wish I knew what was wrong with me, but if I’m seeing a therapist to try to persuade me to go ahead, what kind of person does that make me? How can we ever come back from this, either to have the child or not? I’m so sorry I’ve dragged this out so long and done this to him. I cannot picture how we can have a child. Our lives are so busy and separate. His business about to go stratospheric (like multi million valuation) and that leaves me holding a baby. I love my job - I am an academic at a prestigious university.

We don’t know anything about night feeds, we can’t change nappies, we don’t know how to feed a baby, we don’t know how to deal with car seats - and when would either of us ever have time to deal with learning all of that? How will he cope with my post partum frailties like bleeding, stitches, unable to drive, missing riding, feeling lonely, with cracked and bleeding nipples from establishing breastfeeding, all while trying to run his business? He can’t cope when I’m mentally unwell. He will just be working and then coming home to a crying, leaking, painful wife, and a screaming infant. How will we get through our child’s teenaged years when they drink, smoke, do drugs, develop an eating disorder like I did, yell that they hate us, knowing that I could so easily let it slip in anger that having them ruined my life, or I never wanted them, or I had a panic attack finding out that they existed, or that we nearly split up over keeping them? it seems unbearably cruel to have a child enter the world into those circumstances. Unbearably cruel to my husband to terminate, and a fast track to me losing my rock and stay, my safe place, and leave me vulnerable and lonely once again, dealing alone with my ageing mother (79yro). But I should want to raise a child, not fear being alone. What’s wrong with me? Can I go ahead with a pregnancy feeling like this and still end up loving being a mum and finding that life fulfilling? Or am I destined to fuck up the child? Or will I magically be happy that I gave birth, which itself fills me with horror? I’ve never even touched a woman’s pregnant belly (I’m 37) as the whole thing is just alien, gross, and terrifying to me. Why am I like this? Can I overcome these feelings?

OP, my heart goes out to you, your distress comes across clearly and l can understand why you feel so conflicted. I just wanted to say it's ok to make the decision that's right for you and you alone, your mental health is paramount here. Your husband shouldn't have railroaded you into this situation knowing how strongly you felt about not having children but it sounds like he realises that now. Good luck O.P, thinking of you and wishing you well.

*just to add nappies at nighttime might not be over by 3, but you're only helping them pull off a pair of nappy pants/pyjama pants (if they even need help) and chucking it at a bin.

Milk feeding (exclusively) is over by 6 months.

They can start riding at 4/5, which flies in.

I do think it's normal for some people to have an absolute meltdown and panic when they discover they're pregnant and contemplate becoming a parent, I know I did.

It's obviously entirely up to you and you know yourself best but just a few points that struck me reading your thread.

I don't want to add to your confusion, I can tell that it is tearing you up and you just want to make a decision and feel it's the right one. I feel bad for saying this because I know you are vulnerable but I think you should know that it is entirely different with your own babies, you just can't compare it to nieces/nephews. I was truly emotionless through my pregnancy, I was not happy when I had a positive test and I didn't feel a super strong connection to my daughter probably for a few weeks after she was born. BUT she is a year old now and my god the love I have for her is something I can't even describe, she has improved my life a million times over.l, I can't wait to spend every day with her. I'm sorry that you're having to make this impossible decision but if you have the right support around you then just know that whatever you decide to do you will work it out and be ok. Be strong. Sending all the love x

Motherhood is a choice, it isn't something everyone wants, and that's ok. But don't make your decision about not knowing how to look after a baby because you learn that, parenting is an apprenticeship, you learn on the job with guidance from older people, friends, family and professionals.

As for being autistic and a parent, well autism is such a varied diagnosis that nobody via a keyboard can tell you that it will be fine, however there are many mothers with autism who cope well, also could your husband consider being the primary caregiver? Speak to other mothers with autism to get some perspective.

My exh is autistic but did cope fine with the kids, if anything it helped him cope with life - it all got a lot worse later on but that wasn't child related

Hmm I think you are freaking out and being irrational. If you've taken steps to get pregnant when you were struggling to you must have wanted a baby, why else would you do that? It's not an accidental pregnancy, you've planned this. As for worrying about how to look after a baby how do you think anyone who is a first time parent learns? On the job, that's how.

If you don't want a baby, we'll don't have one, I do think you've just freaked out. Your husband is being very kind given he wants this, I hope he's OK? I think you need to be prepared for him leaving if a family is really important to him, I can imagine this is incredibly difficult for him.

Putting your autism to one side , all the negatives you mention may not happen.
You may have a text book pregnancy , a relatively easy delivery ending in a scrumptious baby that sleeps ' like a baby ' .
I chose to have 3 ,also had a miscarriage and i remember each positive test thinking what have i done ? its possibly one of the biggest life changes anyone can make.
I think tv and media can give the wrong impression of motherhood , you don't have to become the loaded down with stuff , vomited on milk machine and in fact you may find you like your new life and all the experiences it can bring.
Whatever you choose i hope it works out for you .

I didn’t know I was autistic when I had my children. Then they were both diagnosed and I realised I was too.

Having children tested my sanity in ways I could never have predicted. Never getting time by myself or peace and quiet to recharge. The constant feelings of overwhelm (and sometimes rage). I nearly had a total breakdown after my first baby was born and I now believe it’s because I’m autistic and couldn’t cope with the trauma of the birth, which felt like a sledgehammer had been taken to my life.

You have the foresight to realise all this whereas I didn’t.

I do not regret my children, but I do regret how much I suffered (and by extension my children, because I was such a flawed mother during their early years). Life isn’t straightforward for us because we’re all ND and we all trigger each other.

If you feel like you aren’t cut out for motherhood then I think you should terminate. The only thing that concerns me is you agreed to try for a baby for so long.

If you've never wanted a baby and don't want this pregnancy there's absolutely no guarantee you will suddenly feel differently when the baby arrives.

You might, yes. People do. But from everything you've said there's a good chance you're just not feeling maternal and might end up resenting the baby.

Growing up knowing you aren't really wanted is horrific.

Please think of the unborn child and whether you could truly put aside any negative feelings if you carry on with the pregnancy. Once the baby is born it becomes about them, not you.

I'm not a professional of any sort. I do have 4 children myself. I childmind a very complex child and we have a foster son who's severely disabled.
My suggestion to you is you seem to be terrified of having this baby because you'll mess up, damage it in some way and are doing lots of research about that and it's avoidance.
Could you try researching what you can do. What you enjoy that you could pass to the baby.
Look at therapeutic parenting (not gentle parenting). Therapeutic parent gives you very, very clearly defined guidelines for parent and child. We have huge success with it. It's clear about roles, expectations etc so there is no surprises. Each parent knows what their role is, what to expect from the child and as the child get bigger there remains no ambiguity around what's expected of them so you'll be less scared of what you're expected to do. Looks at Sarah Naish A-Z of therapeutic parenting. It's lists the behaviour and tells you how to deal with it. The best parenting guidelines I e ever read. I wish you all the very best x

And also, being autistic yourself don't discount the possibility that you might end up with a very severely autistic child. This happened to me. I'm very introverted and likely on the autistic spectrum and my son is very severe with no language and needd 24/7 care for the rest of his life. That is a very real consideration in your circumstances. I would never get pregnant again just on the basis I couldn't take the risk of another disabled child.

@Spottycarousel thanks for your post. I’m really sorry you have been going through the challenges you have faced. How old was your son and you when he was diagnosed?
it worries me too that my husband wouldn’t cope with it.
i think on some level I have struggled all my life with connection and abandonment issues (my dad left before I was born) and there’s some part of me that is scared I won’t connect with a child - but also that I secretly hope that I will. But your story is a good reminder that the picture book version of parenting is a rare one. And it could end up where my child can’t connect with me in an NT way.

my partner kind of parents me a bit. My mum still parents me a bit. And while it often annoys me, my life is so much more comfortable and calm knowing that I don’t worry about bills and things. All the people in my life spend their time looking after me in some way. I only really look after my horses and cat. I cook to show I love people, but I’m grossed out by illness and while I will go and help people when asked, it’s always after my own things. I mean, I sort out the cleaner, and I do endless loads of washing and putting things away, but I operate at the level of a competent older teenager

I’m therefore a very difficult person. My mum is undiagnosed on the spectrum and no one has ever been able to love her long term. A lot of my love for her is mired in fear, obligation, and guilt, although at the same time I’m terrified of her dying. My memories of childhood are of material comfort and a loving mum in some ways, but she was always about putting on a show and not really listening. I would get presents and things but she had to work a lot because my dad abandoned her. We did read and cook together. They are good memories.

i am desperate for my partner to stay, but when I look at all of this, why does he? Why be with me for 16 years? I make every part of his life difficult. I wanted to turn down his proposal. I disappear for hours with my horses. I desperately wanted this for him because it’s the only thing he ever really asked of me. He sacrifices so much for his mother (who is difficult too) and for mine.

he loves me so hard and I just ruin his life harder in return. He’s 38. He’s fit and handsome. He could meet a young, healthy, happy woman who wants marriage and children and is a more equal partner instead of having an ageing, half infertile, mentally ill (depressed/anxious) monster, who will likely give birth to a difficult child, as its mother, grandmother and great grandfather were. And if our child isn’t genetically fucked up by the autism running down my lines, then what hope does it have with such a self hating mother?
the reasons I went ahead with fertility investigation:

1. my husband was getting depressed each month that it wasn’t working and was blaming himself and I wanted him to have peace of mind
2. i didn’t want him to leave me
3. his good friend from Uni who doesn’t want kids is going through invasive IVF for her husband
4. I thought at some point if I kept pressing forward, I would become used to the idea. I hate all change so it’s hard to tell the difference between fear of change and fear of something else
5. i symbolically bought nursery appropriate blinds for the little bedroom and got some animal hooks again to try and make this real

I then agreed to Clomid as I hate medical procedures but taking medication was something I could cope with. I didn’t cope with the scans though, and at one point the ivf doctor made us stop treatment as my breakdowns were so bad and because I told him that I was doing this for my husband. I later lied to him when we met up to discuss resumption that it was more the medical treatment that was upsetting me (it was, but it is also about having children). I then took the spare Clomid without having scans and without the doctor knowing and that’s what caused me to get pregnant. I did this to myself. I just was finding the monthly anxiety of not knowing awful. And my husband was so sad when we stopped. I love him so much that I just want to stop his sadness and I can do it by doing this.

he took himself off social media a few years ago as he was so depressed at seeing pictures of happy families among our friends. The stupid thing is, he feels sad/jealous at a pregnancy announcement, and I feel sorry for them.

I’m currently hiding in bed having missed a major meeting today. I can hear my husband interviewing potential new employees downstairs.

I feel like either way I’m going to detonate our lives. And I’m terrified. There’s what my head says: terminate and be done. I tried and failed. If my husband leaves me, then that’s no less than I deserve.

my heart says: this is all Husband has ever wanted. He’ll love you and the child forever. If I’m stressed/unhappy, it’s no more than I deserve.

Hi Op. I’m going to post my own experience then that of my friend who, 10
years ago, probably would have written your post or something very similar.

My own experience is of feeling the terror and feeling like I’d ruined my life with that one positive pregnancy test with ny first. I posted on here and was told it was hormones and natural to feel this way. It passed for me.

My friend is Autistic and has a health condition alongside. She is happy with me posting this. She masks beautifully day to day but pregnancy made this incredibly difficult for her and she was very much telling us she did not want to be a mother but there she was, unexpectedly pregnant.She had counselling and swung from terminate to keep until the last possible date. (I hadn’t realised how close she’d come to the date)
She carried to term and had a planned c section.
She and her husband had a live in nanny for the first few months so she recovered and had reduced pressure to parent as it were. Her husband became primary parent at that time and still is.
Within 6 months she was back to work as the breadwinner; husband employed someone to run his business day to day and having spoken to her this morning she described it as to all intents and purposes he has the traditional 1970s mother roll that they grew up with. Baby classes, potty training, household shopping, etc etc everything is on him. She is more the 1970s father role; out at work etc. I’d not have phrased it like that but I see her point.

whilst I wouldn’t say it’s right or wrong; it’s what works for them. Their child is a lovely wee soul too.

I wish you the very best and hope you are able to make the right decision for you.

Thank you. My ds was diagnosed at age 3. He developed some words then regressed which apparently is typical in low functioning autism. He had and continues to have very challenging behaviour. I was 21 when I gave birth.

You have a lot of mixed views and perspectives here. I had a difficult background too so I understand the fears. All you can do is make a decision mindfully- taking into account all the possibilities and knowing in your heart what feels right for YOU. Not your husband but you. I know it hurts to cause someone else pain but you need to want this baby for yourself, not to keep anyone else happy or hold onto the relationship.

Explore the options for making it work and then think long and hard about whether it's feasible in every outcome. Only you can decide.

Why on earth did you have Ivf when you didn't want a baby? You haven't been honest with yourself.

You want your husband to be a dad, that seems to be the only reason. If it was that important to him he should've left you and found someone who wanted kids.

If you're going to put yourself through this then make it as easy as possible, book a c-section, hire nannies/night nannies.

Your husband won't be able to do much if he's working such long hours.

It's either that or have an abortion, never attempt pregnancy again and give your husband the option of divorcing you.

Because I believed everyone when they said I would change my mind. That I was being afraid of change as I always am and then the change always turns out to be fine. Have you ever loved someone so hard that you want to give them the world, even though it means sacrificing your wants and needs?

I tried to make my husband leave because I am certain he could have a happier and more normal/ neurotypical life with someone who isn’t me. He won’t. He has the option to buy me out of our house and I have a flat I can move into. I’ve even contemplated running away or worse because if I don’t do it, he will stay. But I get anxious being apart from him. I was supposed to stay out in France for an extra week with friends without him and I left early because I needed to be with him. I couldn’t sleep last night knowing he was next door. He ultimately woke up and came and got me and brought me back to our room. He takes our wedding vows seriously. But he’s sacrificing his happiness and future to a life with me. Either way, there is only grief and sacrifice.

even now he’s making jokes and telling me we’ll get through it

i am normally not as incompetent as this. I’m a lecturer and my students nominate me for all kinds of awards because of how good I am with them. I am intelligent and capable in certain ways. But this I am not good at.

I think that whether or not you continue this pregnancy, it would be really beneficial for you to have some counselling OP. You've made decisions that have gone against your own wants and needs on a fundamental level.

I understand that you've done so because you love your husband and want him to be happy, but it's hugely concerning how far down a path you've gone when it isn't what you want and also had / has the potential to bring another life into this situation.

Is counselling something you'd be open to? I think some solo sessions would be best and perhaps you could discuss with your therapist whether couples counselling to explore this issue in a constructive, safe place could be good further down the line.

This is such a sad situation for yourself and your husband. What would it be like to sit down with him and explore all options (and that means ALL options, however small or big) available to both of you to make it easier for you? This would include options for dealing with termination, and its consequences (both positive and negative), and options for dealing with having the baby and its consequences (both positive and negative).

This was reassuring to read. Thank you, and thank you to your friend for sharing her story.

I can’t tell the difference between fear, anxiety, self-loathing, autistic hatred of change, and hormones making me cry versus my usual catastrophisation

but I think so much of all this points to my inadequacies as a person, which so many people have pointed out here (not you, of course). I really believed everyone when they said “oh you’ll feel different when it actually happens” so I pressed ahead thinking i/it would be ok.

You are right in that you have laid your inadequacies out for us to see here. What you aren't really doing is accepting responsibility for the position you are in though. Instead you are shifting blame onto others who told you "you'll feel different when it happens" etc.

The truth is, you ignored what you knew to be true - you do not want children - and carried on with the whole thing to keep your husband. You have deceived him and you deceived the doctor who had rightly stopped the treatment. You need to own this.

You have very clearly laid out the inadequacies, but what positives do you have? Do you think there is anything you can actually offer?!

His business about to go stratospheric (like multi million valuation) and that leaves me holding a baby

It leaves you with options to buy as much help as you need. You could hire a nanny or a night nurse, for example. You could outsource loads of stuff like housework. It's an option most women don't have. How do you think super stars like Madonna and Angelina Jolie manage to have loads of kids and still work.

How will we get through our child’s teenaged years when they drink, smoke, do drugs, develop an eating disorder like I did

I have raised tow children in to adulthood - neither of them did anything like this in their teens. Why are you assuming the worst?

I am a great believer that if you have a problem, and you can afford it, just throw money at the problem. So in your shoes, I'd go ahead and have the baby and just buy in all the help you need. And you will love the baby 100 times more than your nieces and nephews! Trust me.

two

I have read all your replies on this thread and I really don't think you should go ahead with this pregnancy.

Your DH is treating you like a fragile child, and I think the more he does this the more you are going to see yourself as fragile. Ignore these posts saying hire a live in nanny and take a back role in bringing up the baby as all you are going to do is fuck another life up and bring a being into the world feeling rejected and sidelined. What happens if you have this baby, it makes you even more fragile and your husband can't cope and leaves you anyway. I know someone this happened to. She didn't want a baby, her husband did so she had one.....and then he left her and she was left with a baby that she never wanted. The little girl has now grown into a bitter angry young woman who only contacts her mother when she wants money, and the mother is left feeling terribly guilty and bitter herself.

I honest think you need to terminate this pregnancy, leave your husband and forge a life for yourself. Grow into a strong woman, not a fragile little bird who cannot cope with life. Because you do sound like a fragile little bird and the more you lean on people the more fragile you will become. Leaving a holiday early because you "need" to be with you husband, or him coming and getting you because he can sense you need him....none of that is normal or healthy.

You are not a monster, you simply don't want a baby and that is your right.

A child is for life. If you don't want to be a mother, that is not a bad thing. It doesn't make you a monster. You are doing everything to convince yourself to be a mother, but deep down you don't want a baby.
However, your husband wants a baby, and to deny him a child is also a problem.

It's time you set each other free. Let him meet someone else and have the family he wants. And let you meet someone who wants a child free life.
If you love him, let him have his family. Just not with you.