Whether to continue this pregnancy

[Babyornot]

I posted in pregnancy choices and one kind person wrote a really thoughtful post.

I’ve gone to therapy and I see her weekly but here I am, back am again at 1.15am. Wide awake. Freaking out.

I’m struggling. Big time.
My partner has a strong desire for kids. I have never wanted them. I like being a fantastic aunt, and then having my life back. We tried for a few years in case it happened and then I agreed to some fertility treatment which showed I didn’t ovulate and have low egg reserves but husband was totally fine. I agreed to take some Clomid which at first didn’t work. I figured I could demonstrate that I was trying and I hoped along the way either I would magically start wanting children or my husband would agree to stop.
Well now I’m pregnant. And I don’t want to be. I thought I would want to have our child but everything about child rearing fills me with dread. I’m autistic and I need peace, quiet, and my horses. There’s a chance I could have a child with autism.
I’ve had multiple panic attacks and melt downs since finding out and the only way I can keep it at bay is by working all hours and then mindlessly scrolling on my phone. My husband and I are sleeping in separate beds tonight. I am breaking his heart and I feel like a monster - why don’t I want this? Why can’t I make myself be excited about decorating a nursery and learning to breastfeed or buying bottles and steriliser? Why am I not excited to meet a mini version of myself and my husband? To teach them to read, to ride?
Wtf is wrong with me?
It’s really early days (4 weeks, only just missed period) so it might all resolve itself without me, but how can I go ahead if it doesn’t? I am so stupid for thinking my views would change. I believed everyone when they said “it’s different when it’s your own” or “it’ll happen for you”. I love my husband so much and I want him to be a dad, but I don’t want a life of tantrums, nappies, potty training, early bird dinners, school runs, spilled drinks, struggling to get them into clothes, running to get 20 mins on my horse between naps/feeds, losing my nerve. Of being too autistic to be able to deal with sensory experience of parenting. I just saw a post now about a toddler shitting in the bath. Every fibre of my being recoils at that.

i think I need to terminate, which my husband agrees with on a head level, but he’s heart broken really. then I’ll go away and let him grieve. I love him so much - been together 16 years - and I wanted to want this so badly. I know he’ll be a great dad and I so wanted to be the one who got to keep him as my husband and father of my child.

I wish I knew what was wrong with me, but if I’m seeing a therapist to try to persuade me to go ahead, what kind of person does that make me? How can we ever come back from this, either to have the child or not? I’m so sorry I’ve dragged this out so long and done this to him. I cannot picture how we can have a child. Our lives are so busy and separate. His business about to go stratospheric (like multi million valuation) and that leaves me holding a baby. I love my job - I am an academic at a prestigious university.

We don’t know anything about night feeds, we can’t change nappies, we don’t know how to feed a baby, we don’t know how to deal with car seats - and when would either of us ever have time to deal with learning all of that? How will he cope with my post partum frailties like bleeding, stitches, unable to drive, missing riding, feeling lonely, with cracked and bleeding nipples from establishing breastfeeding, all while trying to run his business? He can’t cope when I’m mentally unwell. He will just be working and then coming home to a crying, leaking, painful wife, and a screaming infant. How will we get through our child’s teenaged years when they drink, smoke, do drugs, develop an eating disorder like I did, yell that they hate us, knowing that I could so easily let it slip in anger that having them ruined my life, or I never wanted them, or I had a panic attack finding out that they existed, or that we nearly split up over keeping them? it seems unbearably cruel to have a child enter the world into those circumstances. Unbearably cruel to my husband to terminate, and a fast track to me losing my rock and stay, my safe place, and leave me vulnerable and lonely once again, dealing alone with my ageing mother (79yro). But I should want to raise a child, not fear being alone. What’s wrong with me? Can I go ahead with a pregnancy feeling like this and still end up loving being a mum and finding that life fulfilling? Or am I destined to fuck up the child? Or will I magically be happy that I gave birth, which itself fills me with horror? I’ve never even touched a woman’s pregnant belly (I’m 37) as the whole thing is just alien, gross, and terrifying to me. Why am I like this? Can I overcome these feelings?

OP - my oldest daughter was found to be autistic when in primary school. My younger daughter thinks she's possibly autistic. I'm thinking I probably am. I even write like you. I was a primary school teacher and I thought I 'cared too much' about my students because I was always worrying about which approach to use to get them up to their next level. I genuinely loved them all and I'll admit I gravitated more towards my ND students - which was often pointed out to me. I used to exhaust myself with workload - often up all night making 'all singing, all dancing' resources for my smartboard, in order to engage and captivate my pupils. My head teacher used to say that she wished she had a teacher like me when she was at school.

I had thoughts like you when I was pregnant. I was very anxious that I wouldn't cope, wouldn't be perfect. I assumed everyone thought this. I also would worry about the future and how the world would be when my children would be 10, 20, 30 yrs old. I did get overwhelmed with my first child (a screamer due to colic/reflux) I couldn't bear the screaming. To say I was overwhelmed is putting it mildly. I had to put him in his cot screaming and take 5 mins to myself at certain times. But when I was at my absolute limit, there would always be someone to take over and I could 'reset' myself again.

But no one can advise someone with anxiety not to dwell on these things. I have always said that I overanalyse too much. My own school reports said this at primary level. I can't switch off the racing barrage of torment inside my head. I have to really concentrate and force myself to be rational at times - it's draining. I use dramatic vocabulary to describe situations which would be non-events to other people. I can overreact - but I'm aware that I do, so I'm always on high alert to try to make sure that I don't.

Like you I also feel somewhat 'separated' from others. I have few friends. The ones I do have, I really treasure because they are like me and we really connect/have the same warped sense of humour.

I've no idea whether other people see me as autistic - but my daughters definitely do. They can see the real me - we all have the same thought processes. And what we discuss is familiar to all of us. We are all fairly good at masking and reigning in our reactions. A few close friends have joked about me being autistic.

My older daughter has three young children herself - they are all under investigation as it is thought that they are all ND. One of them is very advanced/intelligent and the other two have global development delay because of not meeting milestones.

My family is my pride and joy. We have ups and downs - but the joyful moments far outweigh the rest. On balance - it's all worthwhile.

We can't predict the future - even though our minds would have us believe it will be a huge catastrophe. It isn't. We get on with it, make the best of it - life is what you make it. I absolutely dread parties and family gatherings and holidays - but they are never as awful as my damaged brain would have me believe - and I genuinely enjoy the company, the high days and holidays. I make people laugh - I'm quite good at it. Although inside, I'm probably trembling with fear and self loathing.

Human nature enables us to find the pockets of happiness and joy and we value and appreciate these moments above the majority of mundane stuff.

What a hard decision for you to make - my third pregnancy wasn't planned and I briefly considered termination because I was worried that others would say I was contributing to the overpopulation of the world. But, I went ahead with much trepidation and never regretted it.

I know you care deeply for those around you. I know you'll make the right decision for you. Trust yourself.

I really appreciate this response. My goodness, you sound like me! To the letter. Even re friends - got a tight-knit, small group of highly intelligent weirdos, just none of them have children even though they are in 30s/40s. I’m like you with teaching at university. It is comforting to know that it is possible to feel like this and manage. Your family sounds amazing, by the way!

Yes - my family is amazing. Thank you so much.

Remember - you are amazing! Truly.

We all function at our own level (and at scary levels inside our heads).

I love Mumsnet - I can find my own people.

Regardless of what you do, you sound histrionic about everything and deeply committed to the personal drama. That may cause a stir but it won't be helpful to you. I think you need therapy about that specific issue.

What have you decided @Babyornot

I am in my 4weeks of pregnancy. Last week i drank 4 misoprostol 6 other meds and 2 misoprostol vaginally. I bleed but its not succesful . Then i thought maybe it is a sign to just continue this pregnancy. But my friend says , but child will be born with defects . I need some honest advice. Should i continue this pregnancy or just continue with abortion but this time i will do it surgical. Because i am devastated i know im a monster but hoping to turn tge tables around this time, i have 2 children and a the breadwinner for my 3 siblings also ,

I think you need to speak to a doctor @Terrificmom

@category12 i already ask a dr. But his a abortionist before he said i am not sure also like that. So i am hoping for second opinion to a obgyn on monday

I hope you get the outcome you want.

You're not a monster either way. 💐

You should start your own thread rather than post on someone else's. Please seek medical advice.

I am not lucky in choosing a man, my ex father of my first children is emotionally stable but i need to shoulder all our finances while he knows i have 3siblings to feed. Now my bf supports me financially but he is emotionally drained me. His insensitive and doesn’t care avout my emotions though his bot cheating he just wants to work always even he woek frok home i can barely talk to him. He he said its not in our plan but since its there lets continue he even blames me fo it at first and later his so excited. I didnt told him what i did. Now he says i need to choose what best for me just dont wndangered my life

Im new here so i dont know how to do that

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/create-thread?topic=relationships try this link. You'll get more answers/ support with your own thread. @Terrificmom