Whether to continue this pregnancy

[Babyornot]

I posted in pregnancy choices and one kind person wrote a really thoughtful post.

I’ve gone to therapy and I see her weekly but here I am, back am again at 1.15am. Wide awake. Freaking out.

I’m struggling. Big time.
My partner has a strong desire for kids. I have never wanted them. I like being a fantastic aunt, and then having my life back. We tried for a few years in case it happened and then I agreed to some fertility treatment which showed I didn’t ovulate and have low egg reserves but husband was totally fine. I agreed to take some Clomid which at first didn’t work. I figured I could demonstrate that I was trying and I hoped along the way either I would magically start wanting children or my husband would agree to stop.
Well now I’m pregnant. And I don’t want to be. I thought I would want to have our child but everything about child rearing fills me with dread. I’m autistic and I need peace, quiet, and my horses. There’s a chance I could have a child with autism.
I’ve had multiple panic attacks and melt downs since finding out and the only way I can keep it at bay is by working all hours and then mindlessly scrolling on my phone. My husband and I are sleeping in separate beds tonight. I am breaking his heart and I feel like a monster - why don’t I want this? Why can’t I make myself be excited about decorating a nursery and learning to breastfeed or buying bottles and steriliser? Why am I not excited to meet a mini version of myself and my husband? To teach them to read, to ride?
Wtf is wrong with me?
It’s really early days (4 weeks, only just missed period) so it might all resolve itself without me, but how can I go ahead if it doesn’t? I am so stupid for thinking my views would change. I believed everyone when they said “it’s different when it’s your own” or “it’ll happen for you”. I love my husband so much and I want him to be a dad, but I don’t want a life of tantrums, nappies, potty training, early bird dinners, school runs, spilled drinks, struggling to get them into clothes, running to get 20 mins on my horse between naps/feeds, losing my nerve. Of being too autistic to be able to deal with sensory experience of parenting. I just saw a post now about a toddler shitting in the bath. Every fibre of my being recoils at that.

i think I need to terminate, which my husband agrees with on a head level, but he’s heart broken really. then I’ll go away and let him grieve. I love him so much - been together 16 years - and I wanted to want this so badly. I know he’ll be a great dad and I so wanted to be the one who got to keep him as my husband and father of my child.

I wish I knew what was wrong with me, but if I’m seeing a therapist to try to persuade me to go ahead, what kind of person does that make me? How can we ever come back from this, either to have the child or not? I’m so sorry I’ve dragged this out so long and done this to him. I cannot picture how we can have a child. Our lives are so busy and separate. His business about to go stratospheric (like multi million valuation) and that leaves me holding a baby. I love my job - I am an academic at a prestigious university.

We don’t know anything about night feeds, we can’t change nappies, we don’t know how to feed a baby, we don’t know how to deal with car seats - and when would either of us ever have time to deal with learning all of that? How will he cope with my post partum frailties like bleeding, stitches, unable to drive, missing riding, feeling lonely, with cracked and bleeding nipples from establishing breastfeeding, all while trying to run his business? He can’t cope when I’m mentally unwell. He will just be working and then coming home to a crying, leaking, painful wife, and a screaming infant. How will we get through our child’s teenaged years when they drink, smoke, do drugs, develop an eating disorder like I did, yell that they hate us, knowing that I could so easily let it slip in anger that having them ruined my life, or I never wanted them, or I had a panic attack finding out that they existed, or that we nearly split up over keeping them? it seems unbearably cruel to have a child enter the world into those circumstances. Unbearably cruel to my husband to terminate, and a fast track to me losing my rock and stay, my safe place, and leave me vulnerable and lonely once again, dealing alone with my ageing mother (79yro). But I should want to raise a child, not fear being alone. What’s wrong with me? Can I go ahead with a pregnancy feeling like this and still end up loving being a mum and finding that life fulfilling? Or am I destined to fuck up the child? Or will I magically be happy that I gave birth, which itself fills me with horror? I’ve never even touched a woman’s pregnant belly (I’m 37) as the whole thing is just alien, gross, and terrifying to me. Why am I like this? Can I overcome these feelings?

Given the OP is autistic, I think this is a horrible comment to make.

You are forcing yourself to have a child. You don't have to do that. You have a choice. Do what is right for yourself. And whatever your decision, your husband will have to do what is right for himself.

What a disgusting post. Reported.

I'm autistic and feel sorry for the husband and baby. Actually I felt really angry reading the OP's post because ultimately the choices she has made means that an innocent child will suffer. Unless she miscarries this baby it is likely either going to be terminated or spend a life being raised by paid staff and living with a mother who never wanted it and won't cope with it. Poor baby. Poor man.

I know it is and has been my choice. It is also my choice to terminate. I’ve registered with BPAS. It is clear from all the people saying abort and divorce that it’s what I need to do, but I still grieve the decision.

I don’t think you understand how hard it is for me to separate out these feelings. I’m in therapy but I’m not neurotypical. I want my husband to not be sad any more and I can take that grief away by going ahead with having this baby. And I can never tell if I don’t want something because I fear it. I can’t even tell if the constant tears are just hormonal. I have very low oestrogen which is typical of women with ADHD/autism so I don’t have hormonal mood swings and I don’t ovulate. I have always known that I am too broken to have a child. Too anxious. Too selfish. Too fearful. Too impatient. Too quick to melt down. But my husband is none of these things. He has endless patience, endless kindness, his love language is service to others.

NT people think differently from ND people. I have never felt normal. I identified as a boy from 8-13 then developed an eating disorder as a teen. Periods make me revolted. I’m lick mine only last 2 days. Dolls creeped me out. I’ve never identified with womanhood. But I don’t want to be a man and I trusted the women around me who said I would feel differently as I got older because how was anyone to know otherwise? I don’t trust my own experience of The world because I get it wrong all the time. I listen to others because I don’t trust or understand my own thoughts and feelings. I don’t know that normal people will ever grasp if you feel wrong and out of place all the time, you cannot easily distinguish between the right and wrong course of action for yourself
i wish I had listened to the doctor. But my husband was so unhappy and I had made a deal that if my horse got a serious injury (which she has) that it was the right timing, and financially we are secure, and I just thought this is what normal people do when they have a kind loving husband and a secure life. I want to feel and be normal for once and not feel like this is yet another way I’m unnatural or a freak.

apologies to the ND people who have posted - I really don’t mean I think ND people are freaks. I’m trying to convey how I have spent my life feeling like a freak. I always thought it was because I was raised as an only (siblings through my dad) and because my mum was weird - I have literally hd her coworkers come up to me and ask “how come someone as weird as your mum has such a normal daughter?” I’m not normal. I’m just good at masking in social settings. I was bullied at school because I am weird. I have always felt like I experience the world with everyone else the other side of a glass pane. I can see them and sort of hear them, and I want desperately to join them, but I can’t get through. I thought that I could make myself be normal by going ahead.

You can't make yourself feel like other people and having a baby would be a terrible way to try and do so.

It sounds like some counselling might beneficial to work on accepting yourself for who you are and your differences. Really this sounds like a priority rather than bringing a new life into this world who will pick up on your insecurities not to mention feel unwanted.

I want my husband to not be sad any more and I can take that grief away by going ahead with having this baby

I totally understand that, its horrid when we feel our actions make someone else sad. BUT...you cannot control your husbands emotions and happiness. He knew when he met you you did not want children and now HE is making YOU sad by not taking heed of this from the beginning. You need to take charge of you, what makes you feel safe and happy and not worry about him. Accept yourself, love yourself and don't try and fit a square peg in a round hole. I did that for a long time, it's a very lonely way to be.

You are not weird, you are you and one day you will find your tribe and feel accepted. I wish I could reach through my pc and give you a hug.

There are times when a termination is necessary and the right thing to do, and in no way are you a monster by doing so and choosing not to have children. Child rearing is hard, life changing work, and too many people bring children into the world when they are not ready or cut out for it. Go with your gut instinct. My instinct from reading your post thinks you should abort, but obviously only you know x

Thanks to all who have posted. I think I got out of synch with them and it is kind of overwhelming. My last reply was to someone much further up.

I think I will stop now. I think I was hoping that it would somehow be ok but it clearly isn’t. Even my mother has told my husband to leave. Again, he refused.

im just going to anger more people here and it makes it so clear that I’ve done this all wrong. I just wanted it to be ok and it’s not going to be. And I’ll destroy this child if I don’t terminate. If I can make a group of women this hostile in a few posts, what will 18+ years do. This is what happens when I take the mask off, which is what I did here.

I desperately want to have a normal life and to be loved and to love people back without it being so hard. But I can’t. I just do it all wrong all the time.

There's nothing wrong with you for being different. Your self esteem sounds very low and as money isn't an object I really do think you'd benefit from therapy.

You don't have to define yourself by society's idea of normal. You love animals. I do too. They bring so much peace and joy. I get overwhelmed and exhausted by people but animals are my thing.

I think you need to work on self acceptance foremost. Therapy can help.

OP, ignore the anti abortion twat. There’s nothing wrong with you, some women just don’t want children, but it seems you (and your husband) believed society’s message that a woman will always change her mind - we don’t. You’ve been honest with your husband all these years, he’s a fool for thinking he could persuade you into this, and pretty disrespectful of him to have not taken your views more seriously.

Don’t beat yourself up for considering an abortion, if you don’t want a baby, it’s the most sensible choice.

I'm childfree rather than childless Op so I don't tend to post on these sort of threads but yours made me sad, you so desperately want to please your DH but I think you'd be doing yourself a massive disservice by having the baby. I understand the pressure other people put on you to be a Mother, they so want a baby they can't understand that for some women it just doesn't feel right.
I don't know how it feels to have Autism but you obviously feel a need for calm, for routine and if you're having panic attacks just at the thought of a child, then you shouldn't feel pushed into going on with your pregnancy.
The truly sad part of your post for me was how hard you've tried to go along with trying for a baby whilst not wanting it at all. It's been a mistake Op, and a big one at that, but your motives were good. Just stop it now and look at what you really want, then do what you need to.

If it isn't something you will regret in the future the answer is in your post. It was wrong that you were persuaded to go down the fertility route when you didn't want a child.

Was one of your parents very critical op? It’s almost like you are repeating something somebody has told you, like a narrative or a mental narrator. I had that for years due to my abusive mother. There’s nothing wrong with you. It sounds very familiar that’s all. I hope you are ok.

My goodness you are harsh on yourself op. Please give yourself a break!

Whilst your views about yourself are very negative you seem very self aware. I do f think someone who clearly knows themselves so well and is able to love their students and pets would ever ruin a child.
You seem thoughtful and sweet, not a monster at all. You loved your husband so much you clearly love your husband too.

Only you can decide though. You don't have to have kids and if you do you can do it your way. Maybe you have a nanny. Maybe your husband does most of the care? You said if you were a dad you would have had kids by now - so carry the baby and hand it to your husband! Just be true to yourself.

My mum was raised in an abusive and impoverished household. She thought she could fix everything by fixing the poverty.
Mum did her best but she has often accused me of being hurtful, malicious, cruel, etc, especially if I don’t do what she wants, which she feels are needs rather than wants. According to my mum, it was her least favourite Mothering Sunday ever because I find out I was pregnant that day and then took her a home baked tart over but then had a meltdown over the whole thing. For eg she feels so lonely and sad like that I don’t want to celebrate my birthday this week. I don’t want to sit in a restaurant with my mother, mother-in-law and husband. I have nothing to celebrate. But she was becoming all low and saying it’s her day to celebrate too and she wants to give me and my husband our presents, as his birthday is a few days after mine. So I caved and booked somewhere for this Wednesday when I’ll just be in survival mode.
she isn’t abusive - never hit me, always put me first, never dated after my dad left before I was born - but she so wanted me to be perfect that she was angry if I had, for example, an eating disorder. So it’s never been treated properly. I was just taught to feel ashamed and hide it better. My dad I would only see once a year. While he was always Disney dad when I saw him and he thinks I’m great because I’m so successful in my career, he’s vicious to the women in his life - called my mum and his wife thick when playing board games, rubbishing their work achievements etc.
but I feel bad for complaining as I had a comfortable life with ponies and a scholarship to a posh school - where one of my best friends wasn’t allowed to come to my house because I had a single mother. It Didn’t matter we lived in a 5-acre property and I had horses at home and worked hard as a scholar at school.
so yeah, there’s a lot of reasons for me to hate myself.

Oh I forgot to mention, I was kept a secret from my little sister and brother growing up. My dad left his wife and moved countries, told my mum he was divorced, knocked up my mum, stole all her clients and left her destitute and then went back to his wife when my mum found this all out. She agreed as long as I was kept secret. But eventually our older brother in a third country, who knew about all of us, snapped and revealed the secret to my siblings when they were older teens.

It seems like you are worrying about a million things at once... Just take it day by day. You are not going to be graded on motherhood. Each day, and at each phase of your baby's life, only concern yourself with what is needed at that time. Mothers come in all shapes, sizes, personalities, issues and diagnoses - please don't think that your Autism diagnosis will keep you from being a good mother. For what it's worth the only "not-so-great" mothers I have known were 100% neurotypical and had no anxiety, depression, or any other mental or emotional issue. Maybe you just need to slow down a bit, avoid catastrophizing, and only worry about what is needed for today.

You sound very much like a cousin of mine, a very successful career woman but I suspect she is high functioning autistic also. She became pregnant at the age of 40, whether it was planned or not I don't know. She clearly struggled with the pregancy and just seemed incredibly angry and unwilling to be going through this process and this was her attitude for the whole 9 months.

After the birth my cousin went to live with her mother for 6 months because she was incapable of looking after the baby and needed 24/7 help. From my perspective it looked like a hopeless situation.

But my cousin did learn to parent, and by the time the baby was a year old it was adored by both its parents and they became a happy and successful family. I was so surprised, but you can never underestimate how rewarding it can be watching your child grow and develop.

Becoming pregnant is a life changing shock, even if planned, and a lot of woman panic. You sound like you are an overthinker anyway and now you are catastrophising, and the hormonal shifts of early pregnancy won't be helping. The whole first trimester can be a mentally and physically awful experience. But things often feel much better from the second trimester onwards.

Nothing difficult lasts forever, and parenting does have many lows but also many highs. The early years are tiring but they pass. Then your child becomes a real person and you can get to know them. Maybe your child turns out to love horses too and you have someone to share your passion with.

she isn’t abusive - never hit me, always put me first, never dated after my dad left before I was born - but she so wanted me to be perfect that she was angry if I had, for example, an eating disorder. So it’s never been treated properly. I was just taught to feel ashamed and hide it better.

Sounds pretty bloody emotionally abusive to me. Sorry, op, but that is/was so not OK.

You're running round trying to please your mother with this meal you don't want now.

There's a pattern here of you being so desperate to please people (your mum, your husband) that you're doing things that actively harm you.

I don't know whether continuing the pregnancy is a good idea, but you should really explore this extreme people-pleasing in therapy.

Oh OP, please don’t think you’re a terrible person. You’re not at all. You’re actually very strong, and brave, in not allowing yourself to be railroaded into a life you do not want.

It’s also not some terrible act on your part to believe you could do something, only to realize that you didn’t want to or couldn’t when faced with the reality.

Do what is right for you. You owe yourself a life you want to lead, you don’t owe anyone a baby.

‘a normal life’ comes in many forms. That this man isn’t right for you isn’t a failure on your part, you just want different things and that’s okay. If you want a relationship then please believe there are men out there that want the same life you do, that won’t push you into doing things you don’t want to do, because there are.

You will be okay.

She also sounds like women that realized when pregnant that it truly wasn’t the life they wanted, terminated, and went on to live the life they wanted to, happily.

People can and do regret their children, and no one should have to force themselves through a pregnancy they do not want to proceed with.