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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I caught my DH out… again.

80 replies

JPLB21 · 24/03/2023 16:34

Hi everyone- I have name changed as this is extremely sensitive to me. Please be kind.

About a year ago I found my husband had Only Fans account. It wasn't through me snooping, it came up on our iPad. He paid for women’s pictures etc. I was horrified and went ballistic. He promised he didn’t realise how much it would hurt me and that he viewed it just like regular free porn which I don’t really care to much about. So I tried to move on
and he promised never to do it again.

Fast forward to yesterday, I felt something off. This time I did go snooping as I had ‘the feeling’. I’ve never snooped before on purpose but today I did. I found his history showed he’d been paying for live cam videos… again. I’m devastated. I told him straight away what I’d found.

We have two very young children, I don’t want this to be the reason our family is separated but I feel so many different things. He’s lied. I feel sick thinking what he was paying for when we were all in the house.

He’s admitting how wrong it is, saying he’ll give me full access to everything including bank statements and phone. But I don’t want to live like that and I don’t feel like I can trust him.

A hand hold needed, I’m devastated and just don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
Ilikewinter · 24/03/2023 17:16

Oh wow, I m sp sorry Op. Honestly, I know you dont want to split up but it really doesnt look like hes going to change. What a twat

tribpot · 24/03/2023 17:27

You know the saying 'fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me'. He knew how you felt about it. He did it again anyway. He's telling you he thinks it's wrong (does he? Given he's done it repeatedly) and is offering a solution he could get round easily (secret bank account, second phone).

How does he propose to rebuild trust?

Turfwars · 24/03/2023 17:30

The best advice I have is "give a second chance, but never a third"

He got a gracious second chance from you. He saw how it hurt you and your relationship the first time, and he chose to do it again.

Now he wants you to supervise him like he's a 9 year old? Fuck that. What he's telling you is that he actually cannot be bothered to work at not doing the very thing that is destroying your marriage. He's making you do the legwork of policing his behaviour so he doesn't have to. That way, the next time he does it, it'll be "why didn't you stop me then?"

category12 · 24/03/2023 17:31

What's he doing different to the last time you caught him?

Last time he "didn't know" it would hurt you and promised not to do it again.
This time he does know and is promising not to do it again.

To me, it's really a question of -

  • will you stay with a man who uses these sites and accept he probably will again whatever he says now. You can choose to police him (crazy-making, not advised) or not to look,
  • or will you end it?

I don't give much for the likelihood of him stopping for good. His promises appear to be worth shit.

Original poster
JPLB21 · 24/03/2023 17:36

It’s just a horrible horrible feeling. I’m in quite a lot of shock and don’t know what to do. He seemed so genuine the first time, deleted all accounts straight away and I wanted to believe him.

He’s said what he’s doing is sick and he knows it is. I just don’t know what to do, I just want to do what’s best for me and the children.

OP posts:
FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 24/03/2023 17:46

It’s ok to leave him. You can’t live like this and they never stop. Men are different to us, they don’t value the family unit like we do.

happysingleversary · 24/03/2023 17:50

He’s probably done other stuff you don’t know about

but you have kids

you need to think about what separation would look like and see which situation is worse

Finalstar · 24/03/2023 17:51

The only answer to what he's proposing, is:

Has it occurred to you that I want an equal partnership with an adult who respects and values me? Do you respect me so little that your answer is that I have to be responsible for policing your bank accounts and internet history?

MsDogLady · 24/03/2023 17:52

@JPLB21, I am very sorry about your H’s sleazy behavior and abuse of your trust.

He feels entitled to pay sex workers for interactive sexual experiences. He chose to go there again, despite your previous hurt and all his promises.

I would consider this interactive sex as cheating. That he actually sees these women as bodies to be bought, directed and used for his masturbatory purposes is revolting.

Your values are incompatible and he is absolutely untrustworthy. It would be game over for me. Flowers

pbdr · 25/03/2023 08:51

If he has done it more than once, even after seeing how much it hurt you, there's really no doubt that he is going to do it again as soon as he figures out a way around you having access to his accounts (he will just use another device and card). Men like this absolutely never just stop and don't do it again.
He knew exactly what he was doing and how much he was betraying you, and how much hurt it would cause you if you found out. He's only contrite because he has been caught. If he truly cared about how much he had hurt you the first time you wouldn't be back here again.

Justmuddlingalong · 25/03/2023 08:55

He's putting the onus on you to monitor his finances and Internet use instead of owning his behaviour?
You're right. That's no way to live.

Marchforward · 25/03/2023 08:56

If you give him a third chance and even if he does decide he cares/respects you enough this time to change would you be able to trust him - how would a relationship with that level of trust look/feel.

There is lots for you to think about. If you can afford counselling then it could be a good idea to make a few appointments as they will help you process your thoughts and feelings.

Rainbowqueeen · 25/03/2023 08:57

You don’t need to decide right now OP. I’d ask him to leave so you have time to process and think.

letthatmango · 25/03/2023 08:58

I’m so sorry but I totally believe in second chances, I don’t believe in third.

He saw you in pain, processed it, took time to digest your feelings and promptly did it again but WORSE.

He’s a sleazy creep who puts his need to get his rocks off over the security of his young family. He has crossed a line that you drew very clearly. I can’t see that you have much choice than to seek legal advice.

You deserve better

wizzywig · 25/03/2023 09:07

So he is passing responsibility for managing his only fans habit to you?

BMW6 · 25/03/2023 09:09

Are you happy to continue a sexual relationship with such a sleazy creep?

I'd be drier than the Sahara at the thought of sex with it.

Isthisexpected · 25/03/2023 09:11

I also believe a second chance was justified. He's really let you down here. He knew this would hurt you. He didn't care. He felt entitled to his happy habit. It's that simple.

You don't need to make any moves. Just process and think through the options for now.

Purplecatshopaholic · 25/03/2023 09:19

Ugh. You could try policing him - he’ll just do it covertly with a secret phone etc. or you could think seriously about getting rid of someone who knowingly carried on doing something (pretty gross) that he knew hurt you.

Aussiegirl123456 · 25/03/2023 09:30

If I was in your situation and really didn’t want to end the relationship, I’d be asking him to temporarily move out so you can have some time to process how you feel and figure out what you want. You’re allowed time and space.

During that time he can go and stew on how much his family actually mean to him and how close he is to losing it all. Might make him wake up to himself.

You can have some time to realise you don’t actually need him and life is actually okay without him, and figure out if you really do want him back.

Seaoftroubles · 25/03/2023 09:31

It would be the end for me. He has disrespected you and your children again and is now expecting you to monitor him! These sort of men never change and you would always be anxiously checking, fearful that he'd be doing it again. That's no way to live! Ask him to leave whilst you seek legal advice.

Emdubz · 25/03/2023 09:36

You say you don’t want this to be the reason your family is separated so in your mind, what would be a good enough reason?

if I were in your shoes, I wouldn’t be able to trust him and would be physically turned off him. These would be reasons for me to end the relationship. I also wouldn’t want responsibility for policing a grown man’s behaviour.

Really sorry you are going through this. I hope you have a good support network.

OliverBabish · 25/03/2023 09:42

I’m sorry OP. How cruel of him to do this to you again.

I think what a previous poster said about asking him to leave is a great idea. Gives you to time and space to start to process.

Whoiscomingtosaveyou · 25/03/2023 09:43

Do you really want to spend the rest of your marriage continually having to check up on him because all of the trust is gone?
Your life is worth so much more than that!

Nailsandthesea · 25/03/2023 09:47

Justmuddlingalong · 25/03/2023 08:55

He's putting the onus on you to monitor his finances and Internet use instead of owning his behaviour?
You're right. That's no way to live.

Leave

It is gone

Dotcheck · 25/03/2023 09:50

Yuck
Over the years I’ve decided that it is pointless to get tied up in the definition of cheating. I think it is more useful to think about betrayal and respect. Did his behaviour betray you and your relationship? Did it convey respect?

Does it matter if he physically inserted anything into someone else? Is the virtual nature of the interactions really a loophole in a relationship which is based on love and respect?

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