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Original poster

I caught my DH out… again.

80 replies

JPLB21 · 24/03/2023 16:34

Hi everyone- I have name changed as this is extremely sensitive to me. Please be kind.

About a year ago I found my husband had Only Fans account. It wasn't through me snooping, it came up on our iPad. He paid for women’s pictures etc. I was horrified and went ballistic. He promised he didn’t realise how much it would hurt me and that he viewed it just like regular free porn which I don’t really care to much about. So I tried to move on
and he promised never to do it again.

Fast forward to yesterday, I felt something off. This time I did go snooping as I had ‘the feeling’. I’ve never snooped before on purpose but today I did. I found his history showed he’d been paying for live cam videos… again. I’m devastated. I told him straight away what I’d found.

We have two very young children, I don’t want this to be the reason our family is separated but I feel so many different things. He’s lied. I feel sick thinking what he was paying for when we were all in the house.

He’s admitting how wrong it is, saying he’ll give me full access to everything including bank statements and phone. But I don’t want to live like that and I don’t feel like I can trust him.

A hand hold needed, I’m devastated and just don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
Daffodilsandbeer · 25/03/2023 20:21

Bloody hell. My toes are curling at his responses. How did you not cringe yourself inside out, Im dying for you both.

for me, I’d have more self respect than to be with it. But I also understand I’m financially independent and have the choice.

do you?

Lydiahateswashing · 25/03/2023 20:24

i wouldn’t personally feel the same kind of hurt that I sense you do. I have changed my boundaries about how much I want to have sex - if DP has needs then I’d rather they were satisfied virtually than in person.

Beingrealistic2022 · 26/03/2023 18:40

JPLB21 · 25/03/2023 12:07

So I’ve had a deep conversation with him. I’ve also had a very angry conversation with him. It goes up and down.

His views- he’s sick and disgusting. He tries to stop and can’t it’s like an addiction. He wants to see a therapist to help him stop. He’s acknowledged that it’s utterly vile and I deserve more and said he respects if I can’t continue. He said he won’t fight me at all about it. He knows it’s his fault and that every time he tells himself he’s going to stop something stressful happens and he goes back.

Im not knee jerking a reaction on this but I know I need space and time to come to terms with this, what it means for me and my children.

It’s hard route. I’m going through PTSD with this now I thought I could handle it I’ve seen so many other people who cheat and don’t tell. The road is tough luckily me and wife talk a lot. I will tell the root to all of this SELF I wanted what I wanted now. The porn started at 15 the lie of it all is it’s helping your marriage. The more you watch the more you crave sex. It’s an addiction. There’s some great support out there. You might not be religious take a look at Steve Gallagher and pure life ministries.

Reinventinganna · 26/03/2023 18:43

I knew he would blame ‘addiction’.

Do you have daughters op?

Dibbydoos · 27/03/2023 01:03

Trust is such an important part of a relationship, OP. I apprecuate for tge cast majority of us what hes doing is completely OOO and for some it's unforgivable.

There's obviously something he needs to get this way - don't ask me what I don't get it. Can you find out what motivates him to do this? The first time you found out and forgave him you don't seem to have talked about how he was going to handle not getting an eyeful, so hence it failed. 😔 if you're going to try again. You have to close this out. I've no idea if is there counselling for this of if he would have counselling as part of the solution...

I'm loathe to throw away an otherwise good relationship without really fighting for it.

Moser85 · 27/03/2023 04:33

Beingrealistic2022 · 27/03/2023 00:22

Sadly it is an addiction not just to men but women too…I love the people who say I knew he would blame it!!!

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-6064055/amp/Meet-highly-respectable-women-say-theyre-SEX-ADDICTS-ruined-lives.html

Show quote history

Just because it's possible for it to be an addiction doesn't mean that it always is an addiction.

Saying it's an addiction is an easy way out for those who aren't actually addicted.
Some people would be well able to control themselves but just choose (from a non-addicted state) to do what they want.

user1492757084 · 27/03/2023 08:03

Porn would always bother me.
It shows no respect.
You need to change and accept no porn.

If you can stomach him again, after he has left to seek help and taken that help and feels he is over his use of porn, then let him back for a final trial.
I could not stomach even looking at him.

AnyFucker · 27/03/2023 08:13

Final words Wayne and Colleen Rooney still together

If you want to model your relationship on the likes of those two eejits then crack on

AnyFucker · 27/03/2023 08:14

“Women do it too”

Fuck off

Whatsthestitch · 27/03/2023 08:38

Doesn't matter what he thinks/feels

What matters is what you are going to accept and tolerate in a relationship

If he knows he is sick and got a problem why has he done nothing about it before, funny how he is "disgusting" and an "addict" once caught. He planned to pull the wool over your eyes and was quite happy to continue until that little bubble burst. He wanted to deceive you and for that simple reason I don't see how you could ever trust him again, addict or not.

It will always be the case of his needs before yours. You've been here twice now. It will happen again. Matter of fact is he doesn't want help so even if he got counselling for it, he just didnt want to get caught and now he is saying it as damage control, so it won't be effective. Can't help those who don't want to be helped.

Where are your boundaries here op? If you don't take them seriously he sure as heck won't.

Justforlaffs · 27/03/2023 08:48

Even taking away the fact he's a lying, cheating twat:

He is using money that should be going towards your family unit to pay for sexual thrills. That could be spent on a holiday or experiences for your children. Using that money to pay for vulnerable women (and they are vulnerable no matter what some might say - intelligent, educated women generally don't have OnlyFans accounts) to "do things" for him. It's about power and control with these men, they get off on paying and being the one in charge. It's sick.

I couldn't get over that, I couldn't let him near me again.

wankyseahorse33 · 27/03/2023 08:51

I do believe that, in some men, this is a genuine addiction. But honestly, who gives a shit? When a "relapse" equates to your husband cyber fucking a teenager then it really isn't your problem to deal with. He will have known for AGES that this habit had gotten out of control but he was having a grand old time behind your back. This one is a dud, get rid and don't look back.

QueefQueen80s · 27/03/2023 09:06

wankyseahorse33 · 27/03/2023 08:51

I do believe that, in some men, this is a genuine addiction. But honestly, who gives a shit? When a "relapse" equates to your husband cyber fucking a teenager then it really isn't your problem to deal with. He will have known for AGES that this habit had gotten out of control but he was having a grand old time behind your back. This one is a dud, get rid and don't look back.

🙌🏼

mamnotmum · 27/03/2023 09:15

I'd ask him to stay elsewhere. I couldn't go on once the trust had gone.

I'm so sorry.

LadyEloise1 · 27/03/2023 09:28

I'm so sorry @JPLB21.
Why do men do this ?
He knew it was a dealbreaker and there are two small children having to live with the consequences of his actions.

mummymeister · 27/03/2023 09:39

Its already over, this relationship. you know it and he knows it. its just a matter of you both getting your heads around what it means for you and your children. onlyfans, porn etc isnt some victimless crime. the industry is riddled with drugs, coersion, violence etc. He has bought something disgusting into your house and your relationship. it happened once you forgave him so he knew where your red line was yet still every time he paid, he turned on the screen and masturbated to it, he knew what you thought and he really, really didnt give a shit about you did he. dont be fooled into thinking this can be put right by you having closer control because it cant.

perfectcolourfound · 27/03/2023 10:08

His reason / excuse doesn't change your situation though....

Even if he is addicted to doing it and needs professional help to try to stop, that doesn't mean you have to stick around.

I'd liken it to any other addiction. They may be an addict but it doesn't mean you have to put up with it. My ex was an addict, he made my life hell and put me and DCs at risk. I left - for the benefit of my DCs and also before I lost myself completely.

So either
a) you have a DH who CHOOSES to do this, depite knowing full well it's wrong and your position on it, spending money on perving at other women, lying to you regularly and routinely OR
b) he has an addiction and can't help himself.

Either way, why would you want to be with him?

And if it is an addiction (which is often used as a useful cop-out for people who just like doing something but want to look like the victim who you should feel sorry for)... how he is going to get cured and stay cured foeever? Addicts notoriously go back to their addiction at some point. If this is his 'go to' under stress or pressure you'd spend the rest of your life on tenderhooks.

You deserve better.

CleaningOutMyCloset · 27/03/2023 10:27

In your shoes op I'd leave, tell him to do all he says he's going to, such as therapy etc, and when he's been free of his addiction for 12 to 18 months, only then will you consider the relationship again.

roarfeckingroarr · 27/03/2023 10:31

This is such a script. Addiction? Nah. Disgusted with himself? Well he clearly isn't as he keeps doing it.

I don't see how it's much different to "regular" porn, which I'm not ok with either.

He will do it again. Just decide if you're ok with that or not.

QueefQueen80s · 27/03/2023 10:45

roarfeckingroarr · 27/03/2023 10:31

This is such a script. Addiction? Nah. Disgusted with himself? Well he clearly isn't as he keeps doing it.

I don't see how it's much different to "regular" porn, which I'm not ok with either.

He will do it again. Just decide if you're ok with that or not.

It is different.. It's more personal, they take a liking to certain women, pay for it

caringcarer · 27/03/2023 10:48

You have him a second chance but knowing how you felt about it he did it again anyway. He won't change. You have to decide whether you can live with him paying to watch videos of other woman or you can't because he won't stop. I'd divorce him because I could not live like that but only you can decide what you can live with.

roarfeckingroarr · 27/03/2023 11:03

@QueefQueen80s they can take a liking to certain girls in standard porn too. I guess the money aspect is a problem for some but I just don't understand why porn is fine but this is a dealbreaker. You're either fine with your partner wanking over and fantasising about other women, or you're not, surely?

Original poster
JPLB21 · 27/03/2023 11:27

roarfeckingroarr · 27/03/2023 11:03

@QueefQueen80s they can take a liking to certain girls in standard porn too. I guess the money aspect is a problem for some but I just don't understand why porn is fine but this is a dealbreaker. You're either fine with your partner wanking over and fantasising about other women, or you're not, surely?

I think my issue with this is it’s not just regular porn where you log on- it’s random and free. I don’t particularly like regular porn and don’t use it, but it wouldn’t be a deal breaker but I wouldn’t say I’d like the thought of it.

This way is where he’s created an account, logged on, paid for a certain girl, and then they get the choice to tell the girl what to do. It’s disgusting and using our family money for it. It’s more personal.

Sorry I’ve not really replied to everyone, I am seeing your answers I’m just not in the best place at the moment xx

OP posts: