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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I caught my DH out… again.

80 replies

JPLB21 · 24/03/2023 16:34

Hi everyone- I have name changed as this is extremely sensitive to me. Please be kind.

About a year ago I found my husband had Only Fans account. It wasn't through me snooping, it came up on our iPad. He paid for women’s pictures etc. I was horrified and went ballistic. He promised he didn’t realise how much it would hurt me and that he viewed it just like regular free porn which I don’t really care to much about. So I tried to move on
and he promised never to do it again.

Fast forward to yesterday, I felt something off. This time I did go snooping as I had ‘the feeling’. I’ve never snooped before on purpose but today I did. I found his history showed he’d been paying for live cam videos… again. I’m devastated. I told him straight away what I’d found.

We have two very young children, I don’t want this to be the reason our family is separated but I feel so many different things. He’s lied. I feel sick thinking what he was paying for when we were all in the house.

He’s admitting how wrong it is, saying he’ll give me full access to everything including bank statements and phone. But I don’t want to live like that and I don’t feel like I can trust him.

A hand hold needed, I’m devastated and just don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
Anythingbutsnow · 25/03/2023 10:29

If he's genuinely sorry and wants another chance, would he be willing to get help perhaps from sex addicts anonymous or similar? It sounds like he knows what he is doing is horrible and that he doesn't really want to be doing it, but needs help and accountabilty with changing his behavior. It could be a solution to keep your family together, without it all being in you.

PurpleReindeer2 · 25/03/2023 10:47

So sorry OP that he has done this again. Once the trust is gone your relationship is finished. You will never feel secure. Go and get legal advice and move on without him.

LooseGoose22 · 25/03/2023 10:49

saying he’ll give me full access to everything including bank statements and phone. But I don’t want to live like that and I don’t feel like I can trust him.

You're entirely right.

Also, would be no ok with you doing the equivalent with gym bunny, male model escorts online? Including after you agreed to stop. Not a chance.

LooseGoose22 · 25/03/2023 10:49

*would he be ok?

BeExcellent2EachOther · 25/03/2023 11:01

Divorcing your H because he paid for sex workers is a valid choice.

Divorcing your H because he lied to you is a valid choice.

Divorcing your H because he devoted time, energy and family money that could have been spent with you and your DC is a valid choice.

Divorcing your H because he did all of the above, was caught by you and promised never to do it again, but DID. Thus proving you will never be able to trust him again is 100% the best decision.

BeExcellent2EachOther · 25/03/2023 11:02

*devoted time, energy and family money to sex workers...

slowquickstep · 25/03/2023 11:10

Having been in your shoes, i would say get rid, he has taken your feelings chewed them up an spat them out. He has no respect for you. He is happy to stamp all over you without a care. This will only get worse not better. Please take your children away before the learn that it is ok to hurt other people. You will grieve but this time next year you will be in a much better place. You know what you need to do regarding paperwork etc. Go to the bank today and remove half of all saving and half of anything in joint accounts. Good luck, you deserve so much better, as do your children.

Dotcheck · 25/03/2023 11:59

Anythingbutsnow · 25/03/2023 10:29

If he's genuinely sorry and wants another chance, would he be willing to get help perhaps from sex addicts anonymous or similar? It sounds like he knows what he is doing is horrible and that he doesn't really want to be doing it, but needs help and accountabilty with changing his behavior. It could be a solution to keep your family together, without it all being in you.

I cannot roll my eyes hard enough

Opentooffers · 25/03/2023 12:07

Why don't you want this to be the reason you split? Is your only bar infidelity in person?
Of course, what you wanted was for it not to happen again, what you hoped for is that once he knew the harm, he would not do it again, that he was telling the truth when he said he wouldn't. He lied though.
Did you say you would leave him if it happened again after the first incident?
If you didn't, either say it now and mean it, or accept that actually your bar is low and prepare for it to be an ongoing part of your relationship - where you get the ick so it's an end of intimacy too - leading to a miserable life together.

Original poster
JPLB21 · 25/03/2023 12:07

So I’ve had a deep conversation with him. I’ve also had a very angry conversation with him. It goes up and down.

His views- he’s sick and disgusting. He tries to stop and can’t it’s like an addiction. He wants to see a therapist to help him stop. He’s acknowledged that it’s utterly vile and I deserve more and said he respects if I can’t continue. He said he won’t fight me at all about it. He knows it’s his fault and that every time he tells himself he’s going to stop something stressful happens and he goes back.

Im not knee jerking a reaction on this but I know I need space and time to come to terms with this, what it means for me and my children.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 25/03/2023 12:24

You have him a second chance and he went ahead and did something even worse.

To the bin with him.

tribpot · 25/03/2023 12:24

He best get himself referred for therapy, then. I hope he's not suggesting that you could help him sort that out.

No need to rush a decision as you say, OP. Take your time.

Carlycat · 25/03/2023 13:09

Sleazy twat 🤮

MysteryBelle · 25/03/2023 13:13

When you have two people with different value systems, different characters, his default is lies and porn and sneaking, yours is honest and trustworthy, then it will never work. It’s actually already over. It was really over the first time he did it. You tried to make it work for the dc’s sake.

Simply put, he is not good enough for you, he is not in your league, and he is detrimental to the dc because of his sleaziness.

You are meant to have a partner who is on equal footing to you in character. When it’s lopsided, that’s where the problems come from in a marriage.

Yarnball · 25/03/2023 13:29

My STBXH blamed cocaine use on "stress", the truth is I think it's just something they enjoy but are attempting to validate!

MyriadOfTravels · 25/03/2023 14:00

Well good on him to go and see a therapist if he us feeling so disgusted with himself.

I dont quite see why he hasnt done that before you found out if he feels that awful, about it and knows it’s an addiction. Almost like it didn’t quite matter if you didn’t know about it (or maybe if OTHERS - like his family- didn’t know)

That sort answer always makes me uneasy. I mean it looks like he is doing and saying all the right things. But for me, it stinks of playing the victim hoping that mummy is going to save him (and mummy is you @JPLB21)

QueefQueen80s · 25/03/2023 14:21

Yuck, it'll be younger women too.. Another sleazy fucker. Get rid.

Felicity42 · 25/03/2023 17:31

So really what happens is he starts the...

wah wah wah mummy I'm such a bad boy. Yes I'm so vile and I'll cry over it. Wah wah wah. It's because I'm so stressed and my job is so stressful that I'm the victim here who needs your sympathy wah wah wah please don't leave me mummy, I'll change I promise you.

Is he actually able to see any other side to this except his side?
They play the victim to lure you into mothering them again. Don't take the bait.

Badger1970 · 25/03/2023 17:36

Aren't you worth better?

You're not the one who has broken your family - he is.

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 25/03/2023 17:41

Don’t think you can hide the state of your marriage from kids, dh and sil have both had abusive relationships mimicking their parents poor marriage.

Dh broke the pattern but sil has gone from one abuser to another.

Thesharkradar · 25/03/2023 17:42

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 24/03/2023 17:46

It’s ok to leave him. You can’t live like this and they never stop. Men are different to us, they don’t value the family unit like we do.

I think some of them do, but too many dont

Fromwetome · 25/03/2023 18:05

Horrible situation but nothing was done the first time, nothing will be done this time so why would he change?

If you give the message "porn doesn't bother me" then he will exploit that.

Beingrealistic2022 · 25/03/2023 18:13

Ok he has a sex addiction issue. Yes it’s a thing!!

Im talking from a recovering one of over 21 years found pornography at 15 9 months free.

If you want to work through this there’s only one option you have to invest internet filters on your devices and he has to be accountable.

Only fans is the portal to digital prostitution I always said watching porn was helping my marriage it wasn’t.

we worked through our relationship turns out my wife had 4 year emotional affair and was watching porn.

Look at your relationship before making a rash decision.

People on here oh kick him out he’s scum blah blah there’s an underlying issue that has to be sorted out. Unfortunately most of the nay sayers on here don’t know their husbands or wives are having secret affairs. My partner would never do that. Like children In a play ground my little Johnny never said that.

Pointless asking most people here they aren’t presented with all the facts the question is do you still love and can you make it work.

Just remember it’s the kids who get hurt not the parents. Before any one wants to judge me it’s not your story so read on if you ain’t got nothing nice to say.

Final words Wayne and Colleen Rooney still together! If you want too look at the celebrities who use escorts.

ZekeZeke · 25/03/2023 18:24

MysteryBelle · 25/03/2023 13:13

When you have two people with different value systems, different characters, his default is lies and porn and sneaking, yours is honest and trustworthy, then it will never work. It’s actually already over. It was really over the first time he did it. You tried to make it work for the dc’s sake.

Simply put, he is not good enough for you, he is not in your league, and he is detrimental to the dc because of his sleaziness.

You are meant to have a partner who is on equal footing to you in character. When it’s lopsided, that’s where the problems come from in a marriage.

This times 1,000

wankyseahorse33 · 25/03/2023 20:16

I am so sorry you're going through this. I went through a very similar experience with my ex and it traumatised me. I was ok with normal porn, but discovering his addiction to paying for photos on Only Fans and private cam sessions on Chaturbate left me feeling worthless. The majority of these models are just 18-24 years old and that made me view him as predatory (we are twice that age!).

I spent a few weeks trying to understand it but I came to conclusion that, for the addiction to have gotten this far, it was just too deep rooted for it to be worthwhile tanking my self esteem while he tries be a better man. They really don't change and this likely will have started with porn addiction then escalated into paying for private interactions, thus, it's probably been going on for a really long time.

He's been cheating on you with these girls. The fact that it's online makes no difference. The resentment I have for my ex is insurmountable even though we are not together anymore. I know it's difficult to accept but your relationship is not what you thought it was and the sooner you get rid of him the sooner you can start processing, healing and rebuilding your life. It is not your job to fix him. Focus on yourself and your future. I wish you all the best ❤️