Upset about DH comments and weight - feeling so down

[Bluebelle82]

I am in my 40s, 5.5" and size 12 / BMI 27 - short legs so I always look a bit stocky. I have the usual story - I put on 1.5 stone after 2xDC and have wobbly arms and a bit of mum-tum. My DH is very lean and fit. I have lost 0.5 stone over the last few years and am aiming to shed another stone. I keep saying this whenever asked but It has been very up and down - I struggle with addiction to sugar.

Anyway, I wore a pair of trousers today which maybe weren't the most flattering and DH is now demanding that I give him a plan of how I am going to loose more weight because "he needs to know". He says he can't stay married to someone who is fat.

I feel like such a failure. I don't know what to say. I feel like there is now this deadline hanging over me and I am going to fail. I don't know what to tell him!
The other thing that makes me sad is that I saw some photos of myself taken 15 years ago when at the time I felt equally unattractive and stodgy because of unkind things people had said - and now I look at the photos think I looked lovely. I feel so sad about how I felt at the time.

I want to loose the weight for me - I genuinely want to go back to being fit and healthy. But I hate the thought that my marriage depends on this. Also, can a 40+ year old woman ever fully loose the tummy after two pregnancies in later 30s. Any advice out there? Or anyone who can just cheer me up?

I wanted to also add - I am not a grade anything asshole - but my physical attraction to a person does depend on what the person looks like.
Love is based on a lot more. And, of course as we age - our faces and bodies change.
But if my partner decided to let himself go and ballooned in size by many sizes - I will still love him, but won’t be physically attracted. And I don’t think I am some sort of evil person for that.

This isn’t relevant to the OP - she is NOT massively overweight. But as she herself wants to lose weight as well - I wanted to be supportive.
And once she is at a better place with herself - she can then decide what to do with her controlling arse of a H.

What he really “needs” is to have his bollocks put through a mangle. Who the fuck does he think he is, policing your body @Bluebelle82? This is not about weight and whether you’re the right weight or should lose weight, it’s about control. No one has the right to pressurise someone like that and place such conditions upon a relationship. What would he do if you became unwell and your body changed due to an illness unrelated to weight? No one ever made changes on the back of hurtful criticism and coercive threats, rather the opposite. He is indeed a cunt.

But is he a cunt with a receding hairline, halitosis, erectile dysfunction, Athlete’s Foot or poor eyesight (or any other flaw)? He’d need to be absolutely perfect to be sure you don’t make your staying in the marriage dependent upon reversing some physical change that’s happened or will happen to him. IF, and only if YOU want to make changes then he should facilitate that so you can find the time and energy to do it. But whatever your BMI he needs to raise his game significantly.

I'm sure there's lots of men who would love you just the way you are.

I'd be absolutely devastated if my dh said anything like this to me.

I've stayed in a healthy weight range our whole relationship apart from my pregnancies. I've then taken time to settle back down to my normal weight. Never any pressure. Always complimented and encouraged if I'm trying to be healthy.

Recent years I became ill and I suddenly became physically disabled. I've gained weight due to high dose steroids, other meds and not being able to exercise like I used to. I cannot imagine the way I'd feel right now if in the past my dh had told me what your husband has. I'm feeling insecure enough as it is.

I mean honestly you're hardly huge. I do wonder if you did lose that stone, would he find something else to nip at you about appearance wise?

Anyway, I wore a pair of trousers today which maybe weren't the most flattering and DH is now demanding that I give him a plan of how I am going to loose more weight because "he needs to know". He says he can't stay married to someone who is fat.

He has no right to demand anything at all. What an arsehole. He is entitled to his preferences, but he can fuck off then. He sounds like such a complete cunt. Ugh, the entitlement pisses me off.

Came here to say this, to the letter.

Ugh, where are all these posters crawling out of lately?

I know a super quick way to lose about 13 stone overnight... well depends how fast the courts are I suppose

He's a dick. Honestly.

My ex is a gym nut. Ridiculously fit. When in training goes down to 6% body fat. He never once asked me to lose weight. Always tells how good I look.

We're still friends because although we're not in love we care and have a lot of respect for each other. Something I'm not getting from your relationship.

@Bluebelle82

Hi OP, I think your husband isn't a c*nt. Just a bit stupid and thoughtless, following your drip feeds.

He's probably scared that you are following in the footsteps of his very obese parents and desperately frightened that this may be the start of a slippery slope where he and the children will lose you. Perhaps he sees the difficulties and restrictions his parents face, and can remember when they were only your size, but things spiralled for them. He's probably petrified of history repeating itself.

The "I can't be married to someone fat" is potentially his way of trying to shock you into not letting that happen. I don't think there's genuine truth in it. He is a stupid man to play that game though, it's a really hurtful comment.

He's a bastard. End of.

And whilst I am sure you already look fabulous, this lady always inspires me; she is the equivalent and a UK size 16 and looks amazing

instagram.com/taryntruly?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

Don't hold back, @YouOKHun 😅

It's that use of the word 'need' that pissed me off. I've been told on here that I 'need' to do this 'or I 'need' not to do that and it's the implication that someone out there is telling me how I should be behaving to suit their notions or so as not to upset them. My usual riposte is 'That's an interesting use of the word need. Why do I?' or sometimes 'I don't need to do anything of the sort, thanks.'

As for the sheer fucking effontery of a plan of how I am going to loose more weight because "he needs to know" as if she's in an appraisal meeting with a manager - words fail me. And you can diarise that, because it doesn't happen often.

I think you are probably right about this.

This sounds like where I need to get to.

I just see slim mum friends at lunch picking on one tiny skinny sandwich and a few grapes and just think there is no way I could sustain myself through the day on this!

You ask him when he's going to change he's attitude, because you can't be married to a bellend.

his*

Tell him you can’t stay married to someone who is a twat and then demand a plan of when he is going to change …

@Bluebelle82

It doesn’t happen overnight. So - don’t get deflated by thinking you need to go from 0 to 100 right away.
Start with something but try to stick to it.
Say - take away potatoes/pasta/rice/starchy carbs at dinner on week days. Then once you are used to that - tackle reducing at lunch.

See if you can bear going to bed with a little hunger for a few days - not massive raging hunger - that isn’t sustainable. Body tends to resists huge changes, but you can trick it with smaller changes.

Your Dh is an idiot. Encouraging you is one thing but his communication skills leave a lot to be desired.

What is he doing to support you? Meal planning, shopping, cooking healthy meals, taking care of the children while you take time to exercise? I highly doubt it!

He may have odd ideas about weight due to his parents obesity but he is in danger of encouraging disordered eating in his wife and children unless he addresses HIS issues around weight.

I would demand your DH gives you a plan on how he intends to treat you with kindness, dignity and respect because you need to know because you wont be married to an arsehole

Motion carried.

Firstly, your husband is heartless and cruel!

Secondly. I'm 41 and have lost over 1.5 stone with a calorie deficit and it is completely possible. I'm only 5"3 and even half a stone loss shows on my small frame. I was eating 1300 calories a day..... the first week I was constantly hungry..... but slowly I started to lose the hunger and even a cup of coffee filled me up for an hour or so. I cut down from 2 sugars to 1 in my brews. Drank Coke Zero for less calories and didn't even really drink much water. Not the healthiest but my diet was good.
Salads with chicken or vegetarian bean burgers (Morrisons do a lovely nacho spicy bean burger) I hardly eat bread anyways, but I weighed and measured everything. I used an app called Nutracheck (cost me £3.99 a month)
I got to the pint I was saving enough calories by the end of the day for a chunky kitkat.
I had 2 boiled eggs for breakfast every morning (I never used to eat breakfast but that alone helped massively)

I didn't step foot in a gym..... didn't do any kind of exercise. I am on my feet all day in a physical job doing domestic and commercial cleaning tho.

But honestly...... don't listen to cruel words. He sounds like he wants some kind of trophy looking wife on his arm. You don't deserve to be with someone so superficial.

Way to go him! You will certainly hate your way in to losing weight quicker!

What a pr**k!

Health anxiety my arse!

If my husband said that to me he would have crossed a boundary.

Op I am really sorry you are upset but you don’t have to accept his view of you, his need, or his time plan.

You keep your own counsel. Please don’t give him that power over you. Your body is yours to change as and when you feel the need to and when you have the headspace and energy to do it.

Your character and your actions are what matter most, along with kindness in a marriage.

Lose the weight for you then ditch him

@ChampagneCommunist some interesting things on there- she is a size 18 by the way if she's a US 14 - I'm around the same and a similar build , so it gave me some good ideas

If he had carried 8lb plus weight of fluid and placenta in his stomach twice and gone through labour and recovery then been a parent of a new born he might have a body less perfect too....shame he didn't work on his brain as much as his 6 pack useless bullying prick looking for an excuse to leave and blame it on you more like.