Upset about DH comments and weight - feeling so down

[Bluebelle82]

I am in my 40s, 5.5" and size 12 / BMI 27 - short legs so I always look a bit stocky. I have the usual story - I put on 1.5 stone after 2xDC and have wobbly arms and a bit of mum-tum. My DH is very lean and fit. I have lost 0.5 stone over the last few years and am aiming to shed another stone. I keep saying this whenever asked but It has been very up and down - I struggle with addiction to sugar.

Anyway, I wore a pair of trousers today which maybe weren't the most flattering and DH is now demanding that I give him a plan of how I am going to loose more weight because "he needs to know". He says he can't stay married to someone who is fat.

I feel like such a failure. I don't know what to say. I feel like there is now this deadline hanging over me and I am going to fail. I don't know what to tell him!
The other thing that makes me sad is that I saw some photos of myself taken 15 years ago when at the time I felt equally unattractive and stodgy because of unkind things people had said - and now I look at the photos think I looked lovely. I feel so sad about how I felt at the time.

I want to loose the weight for me - I genuinely want to go back to being fit and healthy. But I hate the thought that my marriage depends on this. Also, can a 40+ year old woman ever fully loose the tummy after two pregnancies in later 30s. Any advice out there? Or anyone who can just cheer me up?

I disagree entirely!

I feel that unless there is no expectation of a sex life from either side, what a person's partner looks like is their business too.

@Dacadactyl

If the ops oh is so shallow that a size 12 repulsed him then she's better off without him.

No doubt he's shit in bed any way

Plus how far do you take that?

I won't shag you unless you get a boob job.

I won't shag you if you get old

I won't shag you if you do or look like anything I don't like.

That's not love or caring. It's abuse

Well yes, I am not saying a size 12 should be baulked at by any means!!

However, there have been threads started by people much, much bigger and the responses are the same.

None of this stops him wanting to have sex with me (so far).

What a nasty bastard!
Hope you've asked him when he's going to get a bigger cock!

@Bluebelle82

I hope it stops you wanting sex with him!

Jesus

@Bluebelle82 if you are happy as you are and don't think this is an issue, I'd just ask him what specifically does he mean given that you are still intimate etc. What actually is the problem then?

You can lose weight

He'll always be ugly.

@Dacadactyl the issue isn't him wanting his wife to be at a healthy weight, it's him bullying her about it and being nasty. I would hope you don't treat your husband like OP's H is treating her.

That's an awful thing for your husband to say. My DH and I both say we could stand to lose a few pounds but we would never say anything like that to each other. I agree. Tell him you can't be married to such an arsehole.

How do you mean " I keep saying this whenever asked"
Like who is asking you all these times?

@Dacadactyl

As they should be.

OFC he knew how upset she would be.
That’s exactly why he did it.

It always makes me giggle hearing women berate their husband’s about their weight.
I’ve seen it in real time and I’ve seen the wife’s reaction when the husband makes a retaliatory statement about his wife’s body.

It never goes well…

This. This is the right answer.

@KatysMumJen I am just saying that it is grating if you are a person who exercises a lot and eats healthily. And then you come home from the gym and they're eating a bag of Doritos or whatever and 2.5 stone heavier than when you met them.

I'm going to bow out of the thread now, but thought I'd give another perspective on it.

I've not yet read the full thread, but my first thought is that you can lose as much as a whole person by getting rid of such an unpleasant husband! That, or just tell him that you can't be married to a complete twat/man with such a small dick, etc etc. So many of us really don't need any help to dislike our own bodies and it's such a shame when our nearest and dearest reinforce that negativity.

Wow, I would be livid if my DH said that. It’s one thing being supportive if someone wants to lose weight but giving you a deadline and asking what you are going to do about it is awful. I’m 5ft 5 and could probably do with losing a stone at least. My DH is very slim and hasn’t once in 20 years of marriage mentioned my weight even though I weigh more now than when we first met. It doesn’t sound like he’s saying it in a concern for your health type of way either. Maybe start pointing out all the things you would like to change about him and see if he likes it!

Anyone who doesn't bring joy to your life shouldn't be in it. Does your husband realise that the average size is not a 12, but a few sizes bigger? I'm guessing that he doesn't look the same as he used to when you first met?
Don't let him get you down op. Do what my partner made me do. Look at other ladies the same age. Very few are super model shapes. They are beautiful real women with mum tums & squishy bits. It's called ageing & happens to us all.
He's actually trying to hide his own insecurities behind belittling you. Probably having a midlife crisis 😉

Was there a discussion about weight expectations before you got married?

My friend had to agree to her now DH that she would stay a size 10 and she had 9 months to lose the baby weight and return to a size 10.

At the time I thought it was disgusting but the more I’m on MN the more it makes sense.

There are multiple threads about husbands putting on weight and posters agree that he either loses weight or the relationship is over.

I think it’s a really difficult one.
If my partner put on a couple of stone then it wouldn’t worry me but if they lost too much weight or put on 5+ stone then I would want them to do something about it.

@Sassyfox

How can anyone think that's acceptable?

Why on earth did she agree to that?

OMG imagine being married to a man who thinks the most important thing about you is your fuckability. Your poor friend must be desperately worried about getting ill and old. I guess he'll swap her for a younger model once the children and the years start to take their toll.

What an awful way some people choose to live

That was a horrible thing for him to say OP, and it sounds like he’s been going on about your weight quite a bit if you’re having to respond ‘whenever asked’.

I am very similar to you, size 12, 5’4”, about to turn 40, 2 kids aged 1 and 4, and a husband who’s always been very slim and fit. While he does occasionally say he’s worried I eat too much sugar (he’s a GP and sees a lot of patients who slide into diabetes - I tell him I know I’ll find it easier to resist the chocolate when I’m not bf-ing and not up in the night so much) he also makes it clear how attractive he finds me and has never said anything about my weight, which has fluctuated between a 10 and almost 14 over our relationship.

Also my DH doesn’t exercise as much as he would like to because he takes an equal share in looking after the DC, and between that and his job, he doesn’t have much time to himself, same as I don’t. I don’t know if this is the case with you, but it enrages me to hear about men who complain their wives are out of shape or whatever, when they (the men) have loads of time to exercise but can’t seem to grasp that their partner doesn’t unless the man takes an equal share of the domestic load.

@Botw1 I actually posted about it on here a while back and many posters seemed to think it was fine which I was shocked about.

She says it helps her stay in shape of which she is grateful for (she has an absolutely amazing figure) but I always think about how many men would jump to take her DH’s place and if she thinks she’s lucky to have him.
He does make more money than her and I wonder it’s a big part of it.

I think he is worried I am going to end up like his parents who are seriously obese and have all the healthy problems that go with this.

I guess it is possible to keep the figure of a 20 year old with some serious commitment and hard work. I am sure I could do it if I didn't also have two children, two jobs and a house to look after.

If I stick to 1500 healthy calories a day and get in a couple of exercise sessions a week I do loose weight. But I just really struggle to deal with life, children, work stress etc when I am constantly hungry (1500cals a day leaves me constantly hungry even if I eat high protein and lots of fibre). How do people do this? Or does the hunger go away after a while? Or are there just loads of hungry people with great bodies around?